Today's the big day
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Today's the big day
This is it...in a few hours we'll meet with the counselor for the last time. In the spirit of emotional honesty let me just say my emotions are all over the map! I cry one minute, feel the relief the next minute...I just loaded the car up with the stuff I was storing for my A. I know this was not part of the deal so there might be some surprise with me wanting to give it all back TODAY when we're supposed to be using the session for following up on our "break" this past month, but I feel like I need it out of my house NOW so that we don't need to set up another time to get together to give it back. I need it all to be released along with the relationship, etc., and let the forgiveness I've been feeling further settle in.
I totally feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff. The release is there, just about in my grasp, and there's a little whisper in me that still wants to "try" to work things out. Over the last month the stronger and healthier part of myself has grown so much and when the whisper comes up from that scared little girl the healthier and grown-up me takes over in a firm and loving voice. But the hurt is there, no doubt about that.
After the session I have a couple of hours before I have an Alanon meeting and will see my sponsor so hopefully that will be enough to help me stumble through the rest of my day.
I know I have to do this. It just hurts and I won't be sorry when it's time to go to bed, so that I can wake up in a brand new day. This is so hard.
posie
I totally feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff. The release is there, just about in my grasp, and there's a little whisper in me that still wants to "try" to work things out. Over the last month the stronger and healthier part of myself has grown so much and when the whisper comes up from that scared little girl the healthier and grown-up me takes over in a firm and loving voice. But the hurt is there, no doubt about that.
After the session I have a couple of hours before I have an Alanon meeting and will see my sponsor so hopefully that will be enough to help me stumble through the rest of my day.
I know I have to do this. It just hurts and I won't be sorry when it's time to go to bed, so that I can wake up in a brand new day. This is so hard.
posie
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Thanks tpen. We've been taking a one month "break" from the relationship because I was so, so, so exhausted from all of the drama, lying, manipulation, etc. You know how I posted to you that you will never get the truth from your ex about things that she was doing in the relationship? Well, welcome to my world...
I'm letting the relationship go today. The only way to really love my A is to let go, and let live. I have to know what's mine to work through and what isn't. The alcohol isn't mine, and as for the drama and dynamics I'm moving through my own withdrawal from that. In many ways this relationship was a drug to me, a bandaid to avoid being alone. But the love I feel is very deep and real...just not sustainable. I have to go it alone now and have discovered that I'm capable of that even when it hurts so much.
I don't want to be the other woman anymore, and with alcohol and the drama in the picture, that's exactly what I am. It's very sad, but I know it's not hopeless. I'm reaching deep into myself for strength, and of course, to my HP.
Thank you for your prayers,
posie
I'm letting the relationship go today. The only way to really love my A is to let go, and let live. I have to know what's mine to work through and what isn't. The alcohol isn't mine, and as for the drama and dynamics I'm moving through my own withdrawal from that. In many ways this relationship was a drug to me, a bandaid to avoid being alone. But the love I feel is very deep and real...just not sustainable. I have to go it alone now and have discovered that I'm capable of that even when it hurts so much.
I don't want to be the other woman anymore, and with alcohol and the drama in the picture, that's exactly what I am. It's very sad, but I know it's not hopeless. I'm reaching deep into myself for strength, and of course, to my HP.
Thank you for your prayers,
posie
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Posiesperson,
You are doing great! Recognizing that hurt little girl has a healthy and loving grown up to take care of her is fantastic self awareness on your part.
Taking the stuff with you is what you should do if you feel it will make you feel better.
It is all about taking care of you now. You have planned for support and know it will be better tomorrow.
I will be thinking positively for you.
beth
You are doing great! Recognizing that hurt little girl has a healthy and loving grown up to take care of her is fantastic self awareness on your part.
Taking the stuff with you is what you should do if you feel it will make you feel better.
It is all about taking care of you now. You have planned for support and know it will be better tomorrow.
I will be thinking positively for you.
beth
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I will have you in my mind and heart today, as you go thru a very hard period for you.
Part of you knows "it is over", but another is still saying "one more chance", and yet another just mutters away "what will he think?".
You had your break for a reason, not just a whim.....you needed time to think and come to a decision about your marriage and you did that. You don't want his stuff there and yes, it could become a reason for continuing contact by your AH. God knows how many here have been nearly sent insane, by the protracted dealings with their A ex's as to coming to get their possessions.
Be prepared for him not to be at all happy at you giving him his gear like this, as you will have cut him off at the pass. Be thankful if it goes smoothly, or he is so surprised he is too stunned to react, but as I say....watch out for some ructions from him,
I hope all goes well, and your next news thread is a really positive and happy one.
God bless
Part of you knows "it is over", but another is still saying "one more chance", and yet another just mutters away "what will he think?".
You had your break for a reason, not just a whim.....you needed time to think and come to a decision about your marriage and you did that. You don't want his stuff there and yes, it could become a reason for continuing contact by your AH. God knows how many here have been nearly sent insane, by the protracted dealings with their A ex's as to coming to get their possessions.
Be prepared for him not to be at all happy at you giving him his gear like this, as you will have cut him off at the pass. Be thankful if it goes smoothly, or he is so surprised he is too stunned to react, but as I say....watch out for some ructions from him,
I hope all goes well, and your next news thread is a really positive and happy one.
God bless
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: UK
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posie ... thank you for sharing .... I'm putting myself in your shoes imagining the pain you're going through right now but finding your strength, progress and growth an inspiration! I'm working on my 'frightened lonely little girl feelings' that keep nudging in this last week ... 2 steps forward then 10 back!!! You will make it through this day ... you're in my thoughts x
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Thank you for all the support. I am officially a wreck right now. I hope I can stop bawling long enough to get to, and sit through, my Alanon meeting tonight. I just sent my sponsor a TM so she knows what kind of condition I'm in.
I thought I handled the session well overall. My now EX A didn't want to "go first" with sharing about the past month, so I shared my experiences of personal growth and said that the only way I could truly, deeply, honestly be loving was to let go because I would never be okay with the behaviors, such as the drinking, and knew that would continue to be a tremendous source of strain and conflict in our lives. The response? "I had come to that conclusion too, since I felt rejected and abandoned by you not responding to my e-mails this month when I expressed my deep emotions of loving and missing you", followed up later with "I wanted this relationship but you've decided it's over, so that doesn't matter anymore."
HUH?! What about saying we had both come to the same conclusion?!! I wasn't quick enough to pick that up in the session but it feels like I was set up...that manipulation thing strikes again. I heard a few times, "I am a loving, generous, openhearted person, that's what I have offered to you in this relationship and you couldn't see it, couldn't accept it." And my "favorite" statement? (Okay, now I'm angry...along with the hurt...) That was when I said I release this relationship and don't want to hold anyone back with resentments or ill intentions...the response was, "I'm glad you have it all figured out." And that, my friends, was the last thing said to me by this "great love" of mine in the counselor's office.
The therapist said that she recognized that we both love each other and it's "sad when there's love that passes like ships in the night". That, to me, opened the door to the possibility that I'm making some sort of mistake, even though I know that can't be true...it's just can't...
After leaving the therapist's office, when I said the stuff was in my car, it went over like a lead balloon...accusations of trying to get rid of every shred of evidence in the house that we ever had a relationship, blah, blah, blah. I ended up saying that I could take it all back home (backpedaled there) but was told "let's get as much as we can into my car" and it all fit. That, again, was not at my insistence at that moment, but you can bet your bottom dollar I'll have that whole thing pegged on me as MY b*tchy decision IN FULL anytime it's discussed with friends.
I realized something powerful after all of that: my little kiddo inside is STILL trying to find a way to "do the right thing" in this relationship. I got through my whole childhood figuring out the "right" combo of actions and responses and got rewarded for doing that, but in this relationship IT'S NOT POSSIBLE to do that! Nothing I ever do will be enough, right, acceptable, etc., because it's ABOUT ME then. And with an active A it can never be about anybody but the active A, right? My response over time in this relationship has been shame, shame, shame. And I came away from that experience today feeling--yup, you guessed it--badly about myself. I clearly recognize the feeling now because over the last month I've learned to feel at least a LITTLE bit of TRUE goodness about myself and now, in the span of 90 short minutes with this person, it's GONE.
I miss it.
posie
I thought I handled the session well overall. My now EX A didn't want to "go first" with sharing about the past month, so I shared my experiences of personal growth and said that the only way I could truly, deeply, honestly be loving was to let go because I would never be okay with the behaviors, such as the drinking, and knew that would continue to be a tremendous source of strain and conflict in our lives. The response? "I had come to that conclusion too, since I felt rejected and abandoned by you not responding to my e-mails this month when I expressed my deep emotions of loving and missing you", followed up later with "I wanted this relationship but you've decided it's over, so that doesn't matter anymore."
HUH?! What about saying we had both come to the same conclusion?!! I wasn't quick enough to pick that up in the session but it feels like I was set up...that manipulation thing strikes again. I heard a few times, "I am a loving, generous, openhearted person, that's what I have offered to you in this relationship and you couldn't see it, couldn't accept it." And my "favorite" statement? (Okay, now I'm angry...along with the hurt...) That was when I said I release this relationship and don't want to hold anyone back with resentments or ill intentions...the response was, "I'm glad you have it all figured out." And that, my friends, was the last thing said to me by this "great love" of mine in the counselor's office.
The therapist said that she recognized that we both love each other and it's "sad when there's love that passes like ships in the night". That, to me, opened the door to the possibility that I'm making some sort of mistake, even though I know that can't be true...it's just can't...
After leaving the therapist's office, when I said the stuff was in my car, it went over like a lead balloon...accusations of trying to get rid of every shred of evidence in the house that we ever had a relationship, blah, blah, blah. I ended up saying that I could take it all back home (backpedaled there) but was told "let's get as much as we can into my car" and it all fit. That, again, was not at my insistence at that moment, but you can bet your bottom dollar I'll have that whole thing pegged on me as MY b*tchy decision IN FULL anytime it's discussed with friends.
I realized something powerful after all of that: my little kiddo inside is STILL trying to find a way to "do the right thing" in this relationship. I got through my whole childhood figuring out the "right" combo of actions and responses and got rewarded for doing that, but in this relationship IT'S NOT POSSIBLE to do that! Nothing I ever do will be enough, right, acceptable, etc., because it's ABOUT ME then. And with an active A it can never be about anybody but the active A, right? My response over time in this relationship has been shame, shame, shame. And I came away from that experience today feeling--yup, you guessed it--badly about myself. I clearly recognize the feeling now because over the last month I've learned to feel at least a LITTLE bit of TRUE goodness about myself and now, in the span of 90 short minutes with this person, it's GONE.
I miss it.
posie
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
From the boundaries post...
Nobody has the right to tell me what I think or feel.
I have the right to stand up for what I want.
I don't need to feel guilty for thinking, feeling, or believing what I think, feel or believe.
I have a right to my wants and needs.
I have a right to be treated with respect and dignity.
Keep reminding yourself.
Hugs.
Nobody has the right to tell me what I think or feel.
I have the right to stand up for what I want.
I don't need to feel guilty for thinking, feeling, or believing what I think, feel or believe.
I have a right to my wants and needs.
I have a right to be treated with respect and dignity.
Keep reminding yourself.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hugs to you. You've taken such a big step. I remember similar conversations and feeling the same way. You are free now. It is so hard when we can intellectualize something and not internalize it.
I have no idea of your background but I found reading this bill of rights helpful. It is a sticky from the adult children forum. I still read it, trying to internalize all that it is.
ACA Bill of Rights
I have no idea of your background but I found reading this bill of rights helpful. It is a sticky from the adult children forum. I still read it, trying to internalize all that it is.
ACA Bill of Rights
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Posie, WOW girl look at you!!! You STOOD UP for yourself today and I am grateful you have shared your story by posting this morning and then a follow-up. 
You made a decision for your life and your future and you followed through with it despite all the sickness he threw at you again today. It makes me feel GOOD to know what you have done and I am just SO EXCITED for you!!! You keep your head up, girl, because you know what? What you accomplished today was a HUGE, proud step out of the sickness, the mire, the darkness, and into the LIGHT.
All that $hit they pile on you at every single turn (just like he did today) you can now shake off and put behind you. Can you see all the stupid manipulations he tried on you today? The further and further you get from him, the more you will see. Keep going to Al-Anon and you will learn how to become more and more emotionally detached and soon you will look back on this day and LAUGH at the stupidity and wonder how in the heck you got wrapped up in all those feelings.
You made a decision for your life and your future and you followed through with it despite all the sickness he threw at you again today. It makes me feel GOOD to know what you have done and I am just SO EXCITED for you!!! You keep your head up, girl, because you know what? What you accomplished today was a HUGE, proud step out of the sickness, the mire, the darkness, and into the LIGHT. All that $hit they pile on you at every single turn (just like he did today) you can now shake off and put behind you. Can you see all the stupid manipulations he tried on you today? The further and further you get from him, the more you will see. Keep going to Al-Anon and you will learn how to become more and more emotionally detached and soon you will look back on this day and LAUGH at the stupidity and wonder how in the heck you got wrapped up in all those feelings.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
when the whisper comes up from that scared little girl the healthier and grown-up me takes over in a firm and loving voice
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for that. I hear the little girl "but give him one more chance". As another person told me "he's had one year to make you feel like the woman you are and he has failed". I love the healthier voice that lets go and can relax when facing a change. That is actually LOOKING FORWARD to that change. I love it.
Nothing I ever do will be enough, right, acceptable, etc., because it's ABOUT ME then. And with an active A it can never be about anybody but the active A, right?
Never thought it like that... this was healing to me.
Posie, I am also retaking my own space, because I know there is peace and tranquility there. One breathe at a time. And you handled a lot of tension and BS well!
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for that. I hear the little girl "but give him one more chance". As another person told me "he's had one year to make you feel like the woman you are and he has failed". I love the healthier voice that lets go and can relax when facing a change. That is actually LOOKING FORWARD to that change. I love it.
Nothing I ever do will be enough, right, acceptable, etc., because it's ABOUT ME then. And with an active A it can never be about anybody but the active A, right?
Never thought it like that... this was healing to me.
Posie, I am also retaking my own space, because I know there is peace and tranquility there. One breathe at a time. And you handled a lot of tension and BS well!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
10. I have a right to leave the company of people who deliberately or inadvertently put me down, lay a guilt trip on me, manipulate or humiliate me, including my alcoholic parent, my nonalcoholic parent, or any other member of my family.
I loved the bill of rights, thanks for the link!
I loved the bill of rights, thanks for the link!
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Oh dear, surprise! surprise! Your AH played his guilt card and you didn't roll over this time....then he gets told all his stuff is in your car..NOW...ready for him to take with him.
Honey you really rocked his boat, and yes I guess when he gets back from "what the hell just happened", he most likely will put it all down to your b*tchy decision, and more whenever it's discussed with friends.
As for his "I am a loving, generous, openhearted person, that's what I have offered to you in this relationship and you couldn't see it, couldn't accept it", well unfortunately this is not correct, and what he did offer came with some unpleasant side effects.
Hopefully now you can have the time and peace to gather yourself together again.
Put him aside, and pick up that little girl who desperately needs you, give her the love, hugs and validation you seek yourself, and all will come to you.
I have you in my heart still, and prayers for your perfect good.
God bless
Honey you really rocked his boat, and yes I guess when he gets back from "what the hell just happened", he most likely will put it all down to your b*tchy decision, and more whenever it's discussed with friends.
As for his "I am a loving, generous, openhearted person, that's what I have offered to you in this relationship and you couldn't see it, couldn't accept it", well unfortunately this is not correct, and what he did offer came with some unpleasant side effects.
Hopefully now you can have the time and peace to gather yourself together again.
Put him aside, and pick up that little girl who desperately needs you, give her the love, hugs and validation you seek yourself, and all will come to you.
I have you in my heart still, and prayers for your perfect good.
God bless
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Love hugs and support your way!......I think you are doing really really well.....you need to go through all this emotion etc etc to come out the other side and to me you look like you are doing just fine.
Work through it....take each day (or moment as it comes)......you are doing just fine. Keep posting and take care of you.
Alcoholism sucks and it destroys so much and so many in its path! Thank Goodness for SR it keeps many of us sane! Take care Phiz :0)
Work through it....take each day (or moment as it comes)......you are doing just fine. Keep posting and take care of you.
Alcoholism sucks and it destroys so much and so many in its path! Thank Goodness for SR it keeps many of us sane! Take care Phiz :0)
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Posie,
Way to go. It was hard. But you did it. You kept your temper, and your integrity.
When Jadmack said,
Part of you knows "it is over", but another is still saying "one more chance",
she hit MY nail on the head. I am pretty much right with you, this is so painful.
You may have some blips of remorse, second-guessing, or questioning, but just keep moving forward. You know deep inside what is right.
Way to go. It was hard. But you did it. You kept your temper, and your integrity.
When Jadmack said,
Part of you knows "it is over", but another is still saying "one more chance",
she hit MY nail on the head. I am pretty much right with you, this is so painful.
You may have some blips of remorse, second-guessing, or questioning, but just keep moving forward. You know deep inside what is right.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by posiesperson 
The therapist said that she recognized that we both love each other and it's "sad when there's love that passes like ships in the night". That, to me, opened the door to the possibility that I'm making some sort of mistake, even though I know that can't be true...it's just can't...
It is sad. It's very, very sad. My AH and I had two children together. It's sad that we aren't still together. Sad that we couldn't make it work over the long haul. Does that mean I made a mistake? I don't think so. I still love him, probably always will. It's better for everyone that we aren't still involved in the power struggle that was our marriage. But, it's still sad. Sadness is one of the most transforming emotions we can feel. And going through it sometimes changes us in ways we never imagined.
L
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