Passive Aggressive Behavior

Old 04-07-2010, 05:16 AM
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Passive Aggressive Behavior

I find that this hits home for me. Something I need to work on. Found this while trolling the web. Thought I'd post it here. :-)

Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. A person's feelings may be so repressed that they don't even realize they are angry or feeling resentment. A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy and seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behavior. Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them or, are holding them to unreasonable standards if they are confronted about their behavior.

Common Passive Aggressive Behaviors:

Ambiguity: I think of the proverb, "Actions speak louder than words" when it comes to the passive aggressive and how ambiguous they can be. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating.

Forgetfulness: The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by "forgetting." How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary.
Blaming: They are never responsible for their actions. If you aren't to blame then it is something that happened at work, the traffic on the way home or the slow clerk at the convenience store. The passive aggressive has no faults, it is everyone around him/her who has faults and they must be punished for those faults.

Lack of Anger: He/she may never express anger. There are some who are happy with whatever you want. On the outside anyway! The passive aggressive may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable. Hence they go through life stuffing their anger, being accommodating and then sticking it to you in an under-handed way.

Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With The Passive Aggressive Man. "Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn't depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support."

Fear of Intimacy: The passive aggressive often can't trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. A passive aggressive will have sex with you but they rarely make love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by withholding sex.

Obstructionism: Do you want something from your passive aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it. It is important to him/her that you don,t get your way. He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel.

Victimization: The passive aggressive feels they are treated unfairly. If you get upset because he or she is constantly late, they take offense because; in their mind, it was someone else's fault that they were late. He/she is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store.

Procrastination: The passive aggressive person believes that deadlines are for everyone but them. They do things on their own time schedule and be damned anyone who expects differently from them.
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Old 04-07-2010, 05:47 AM
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I guess what hits home for me is that the Passive Aggressive behavior can be directed at everyone from my children, to the lady next door. It boils down to something inside myself that I haven't come to terms with, then directed as a hidden resentment towards another person who I may see some of those same issues in.
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Old 04-07-2010, 06:01 AM
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Blaming - so true.

Fear of Intimacy - sheds light on what I experienced.
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Old 04-07-2010, 06:52 AM
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It boils down to something inside myself that I haven't come to terms with, then directed as a hidden resentment towards another person who I may see some of those same issues in.
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I Would like to hear from some of you that also have issues with this. As I'm sure I do it more than I realize.
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Old 04-07-2010, 07:24 AM
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I am passive aggressive QUEEN. I had to be very sure and clear that my NC until sober wasn't just that or that it came across as that because ignored many times just to spite.

It gets very messy when ur passive agressive because you're just pissed all the time and when the other person doesn't pick up your "hints" o...boy..
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Old 04-07-2010, 07:28 AM
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Yes, Sometimes it can happen in packs. Like when a member has an issue. Before I know it there's passive agression from more than one person being directed. I'm guilty of this part of it too. It's weird how many different ways it comes out.
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Old 04-07-2010, 07:31 AM
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Don't mind me, for anyone who hasn't picked up I end up talking to myself in threads - Kind of akin to journaling.

My own shortcomings get in my way. When I do this to others, it keeps me sick. Certainly did it in my marriage. As my sister lives here and that's an example of how passive aggression can feed off of itself and others.
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Old 04-07-2010, 07:42 AM
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Just continuing to ponder...

One short-coming I see in myself is jealousy. jealousy can feed into Passive aggressive behavior. I need to remember not to be ungrateful for old and new things in my life. The opportunities in front of me.

It's hard to see this when it happens. I must recognize it to work on it.
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Old 04-07-2010, 07:43 AM
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Ah, sisters.
Should be your best friend in the world. we grew up with the same crap.
so, i wonder how she was able to use me to get a geographical cure for her oxy addiction.
she "helped" me get oxycodone from the VA, and then proceeded to take them.
said, 'well, you wouldn't have any if i didnt fight for you, (the reason for taking them from me) and said she was in more pain than me. uh, okay.
turned my household upside down, went back home, and havent heard from her since.
she owes me thousands. i was manipulated and let it happen.
because she was my sister, and a sister wouldn't do that would they?
what a sucker.
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Old 04-07-2010, 07:48 AM
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Yes, that's another issue we sometimes get stuck in the passive aggressive circle and before we know it, we change our very thoughts and beliefs to someone else's?

I guess that can be looked at as loss of integrity.


Hmmmm.... I guess this is about TAKING CHARGE of our own thoughts. Even if we can do this 99.9% of the time.
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Old 04-07-2010, 07:48 AM
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It gets very messy when ur passive agressive because you're just pissed all the time and when the other person doesn't pick up your "hints" o...boy..
Mary, you nailed it.
angry all the time because people are not getting it.
my mother was very good at this, and it is how i learned to do it.
i have moved away from this type of communication because it does make me angry, being direct can be hard, but it is the best way to talk.
even if it means taking a stand, and not backing down.
taking the chance of being wrong and apologizing for being wrong.
wow. just got a little smack of reality myself.
thanks mary
and
alizerin.
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Old 04-07-2010, 07:51 AM
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I guess that can be looked at as loss of integrity.
yes, a loss of integrity.
cause what do you stand for, it you don't take a stand.
maybe there was no integrity in the first place.
just getting opinions and trying to manipulate those around us to suit us.
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Old 04-07-2010, 07:53 AM
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Would like to hear from some of the regulars - Do appreciate their insights. Come on ladies.
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Old 04-07-2010, 08:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Alizerin View Post
Yes, that's another issue we sometimes get stuck in the passive aggressive circle and before we know it, we change our very thoughts and beliefs to someone else's?

I guess that can be looked at as loss of integrity.


Hmmmm.... I guess this is about TAKING CHARGE of our own thoughts. Even if we can do this 99.9% of the time.
Anyone else do this?
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Old 04-07-2010, 08:24 AM
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I guess it also boils down to losing my own freedom of thought. As the hidden resentments color my outlook on others when in fact it has nothing to do with the person(s) my aggression is pointed at. Again, I need to notice it to work on it. I can trace this back to when I was 19 at least. 9 times out of 10 I couldn't see it, I've even say 0 times.
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Old 04-07-2010, 08:24 AM
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I'm done! Will wait for insights from others.
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Old 04-07-2010, 08:32 AM
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Yes I plead guilty. Sometimes I look at my comments or actions and think "uh oh", I'm muddying the waters", other times it gets by me, and only when I look back I see what I had been doing.

My RABF had it down to a fine art, and I let it go, and trust me, 2 PA's going off together is not a pretty sight, but thank God, he is less active at this now.

God bless
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Old 04-07-2010, 08:42 AM
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Originally Posted by MaryGoRound View Post
I am passive aggressive QUEEN. I had to be very sure and clear that my NC until sober wasn't just that or that it came across as that because ignored many times just to spite.

It gets very messy when ur passive agressive because you're just pissed all the time and when the other person doesn't pick up your "hints" o...boy..
If you're queen, I guess I'll have to switch genders and call myself king! Progress not perfection.

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Old 04-07-2010, 08:53 AM
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My AH is the passive aggressive King, sorry you can't have that title.

The more research I did, the more clearly the game plan was laid out and made clear to me.

I am not p/a but rather aggressive aggressive. In my earlier years I was demanding, overbearing, loud and crossed boundaries. Ok, five years ago.

If you search "passive aggressive get your angries out" you'll find an amazing site.

p/a men (or people) need someone else to get angry for them. So, he would push my buttons, I would take the bait and blow up, then he could stand back and say, "well look at you, you're so angry." Oh my goodness, for me, someone with anger issues, this was like throwing gasoline on a fire.

I've felt the same way here at times, not often, but I've felt baited and then try to set boundaries, then they say, "well, no need to be offended I was just trying to help. Ta ta" which makes me even crazier. Clearly I still have issues.

Mostly, I feel loved and respected and supported here, so I focus on those experiences and try to give back here with kindness as well.

With AH, I just keep emotional distance. Stay detached. OH, and I do NOT ignore red flags in any situation or relationship. Never again.

The trick is to not get sucked into the fight. The very best thing I've ever done was focus on myself, on my career and learn to love myself.
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Old 04-07-2010, 08:55 AM
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"Oh my goodness, for me, someone with anger issues, this was like throwing gasoline on a fire."

That is very wise. I got me some issues, can you tell?
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