hopeforhim

my boyfriend has been in rehab for almost a week.
my family is against me because he stole from me twice and all there saying is he has you where he wants you and hes full of it hes only gunna come back from rehab and use again.
and im gunna lose all my friends for the decision im making. it hurts me because i feel that there right in a way but my boyfriend writes me and he told me hes stayin for 3 months and got accepted to a half way house for another 3 months when he gets out.
i just dont want my family saying i told you so in the end.

i dont kno what to do. idk if i should give him hope because i put up with alot of his crap when he was using he stole everything from his family and twice from me. i know addicts are manipulative but now that hes clean in rehab hes tellin me all the wrong he did and cant believe people put up with him.
i just hope hes tellin the truth now.

Spiritual Seeker

go abt. your life for 6 mos. Develop an interesting full life.
In 6 mos. -only after your guy has "completed" his 6 mos. promise to recovery-
see how you feel and how committed he is to changing his life.

It takes time, energy, work for people to change. Figure out what the changes of your own that are necessary to make your own life better.

This really is wonderful news that your guy is willing to do 6mos. to get his life in order. Back away and let him.

Jacob

Depending who you ask, rehab has a success rate somewhere from 40% to 80%. Meaning that there is a good chance he will use again. I don't know his particular case but from a purely statistical point of view you should protect yourself as best as you can.

I know it is hard to say no to someone you care about. One of my best friends fell to heroin and she always told me I was the only one left in the world she could turn to.

One time she called me from jail and told me that she had nobody to pick her up, so I picked her up... but all she wanted to do was go and score some drugs.

A second time she called me crying to tell me the man she was staying with (she usually stayed with a man who would provide her with drugs in trade for sex) was beating her... I had to say no to her. It was very very difficult. I gave her the number of a woman's shelter and washed my hands of it. There is only so much you can do.

You are not responsible for him-- he is responsible for himself. If he truly feels bad for stealing from you, he will find some way to make it up to you and prove himself to you. You should wait for this proof before you let him back into your life.

coffeedrinker

hope,

i have had a husband, and a lover, in treatment. i know how consuming it can be.

but,

if i were to tell you that you had a choice in your boyfriend's recovery, but it wasn't recovery from drugs, it was this disease he has that makes him partially paralyzed, what would you say? you could choose the track that you gave him his medicine for the pain, but you also had to bathe him, feed him, and run all his errands for him, so crippled was he -- or -- you could send him to this ultra-modern, expensive rehab place in switzerland that has a lot of success with this new treatment, you wouldn't get to even see him for 9 months and after the treatment his face and legs would even look different, because of the surgeries and treatments.

i know this is a stupid story, but i didn't take time to think of a really good one. but do you see the question i'm really asking?
it's not about your family not being supportive in your relationship, it's about you being so invested in his drug treatment, and so into him, that you have lost yourself.

you really want this to work out between the two of you. you have to choose that he's gonna look and act different (a little, lol) after he gets out. because that's what's best for him. AND for you. and what that means, is that you just let the program work the way it's supposed to. right now he's supposed to be focusing completely on his sobriety. he does not need to worry about you, try and take care of your feelings, or even think of you all that much, unless it is prescribed for a reason having to do with his program.

if you two are going to be together for a long time, 6 months is nothin.

the other thing you can do to help him, is to go to al-anon.

Ann

I agree with the others that using the next 6 months to work on yourself and your own recovery will help you regain your balance and be fine with him or without him.

Don't base your life on whether his rehab "works". There is no cure and he will have to focus a lot on himself if he is to survive and learn to live better. The real recovery begins after rehab is over, because rehab isn't a "cure", it's learning about why you use and finding new tools to live life differently and in a healthier way. They give you the tools, it's up to them to use them wisely.

Live meetings may help you surround yourself with support and begin your own plan of living life in a healthier way...regardless of how he does with his recovery. Maybe give them a try and see if they help you as much as they have helped many of us.

Hugs

Chino

My daughter is a 22 year old recovering opiate addict. I'm recovering from my codependent behaviors because her addiction made me face them.

Have you read the book Codependent No More? If not, now is a good time to give it a whirl. There's a thread here, maybe a page back or two, about book recommendations.

I almost chased away a few wonderful friends because I kept leaning on them, and they were not equipped to deal with my stuff. Sometimes they gave me good/bad advice but I always rejected both. I knew bad when I heard it just like I knew good, but I wasn't ready and willing to do the work. It meant making a real effort; changing my thought patterns and behaviors.

If you make the effort and do the work, what anyone says or does (including your parents) will no longer have the ability to devastate you.

Are you ready and willing?

outtolunch

Many rehabs tout success rates. At best, such claims are based on calling the former patient/guest for a period afterwards ( 2 years at most, I think) and asking them if they remain clean.

I am afraid that actual permanent success rates for any rehab are probably closer to a single digit than anything claim being made.

Having said this, rehab does not cure addiction. At best, rehab teaches the tools of recovery. It's up to the addict to use them or not.

AWEDA

I don't know how old you are but I am guessing you are young. My life began at 16 with my ex husband. The first time he went to treatment he was 21. The second time he was 24. He stayed sober 3 years so we go married,he began drinking again 2 months before our son was born. Back to rehab at 36,came home and drank that same night. Lost his job at 40 I also left him that year. Being a single mother with 2 children is very difficult,I love them and provide the best I can for them. His life while we were apart consisted of more rehabs and jail. He died on March 9 2010. Would I change anything in my life,yes although my children are the best things to come of those years I wish I would have listened to people who loved me and told me I didn't have to stay with him after the 1st rehab. I didn't know my life could be better. I was going to "save" him. If I could just love him enough he would get well. He is now gone forever and I am left to pick up the pieces of the mess he left behind. I did love him very much but I was no match for the power of addiction. Please educate yourself on addiction and what it does to the addict and their loved ones.