MaryGoRound

I guess kind of similar to most other days. I miss my xabf today. I saw him on campus, which I'm getting much better at...

I don't feel as sad, which is really great. I have a million things to do, its gorgeous outside and I feel great about the way things are. Him saying he'll "think" about getting treatment. Which, is laughable of course... But ya no, I'm doin' my thang, picking myself up,etc etc.

So yeah I just miss him, like every other day and felt like writing in here.
He was my friend so its hard loosing a friend. One of the things that is stopping me is the feeling I would get when he used to ignore me or run away Just that sinking feeling of oo no, not this again! That twinge of heartbreak. I can feel it now just thinking about it. It stops me from extending those damn olive branches or like I used to, let enough time pass and ignore the situation.

He misses me and wants to take me out to dinner. And I told him if he were sober, he could do that. Its fun to entertain myself with the idea that this will happen sooner rather than later.

I'm in a huge transition phase right now school coming to an end, moving back home to look for "real" job out of state, etc. And I'm just kind of bored...and lonely. Not gut wrenching, like i've experienced, but still I have all these things going on and I have them under control. And I want my partner in crime back. LOL. Pun not intended.

Just ugh! Miss my friend. I was always extremely busy most of the time (workaholism..hello!) and it was tough balancing two jobs, full time school with a social life with the girls all the time etc. Now I have school ending, one job, no apt, and no one to give love to. I'm doing much better than I was calming down and accepting it all unfold...

He gives me the butterflies still when I see him. Its disgusting how much I think about him. And he told me he can't stop thinking about me either. I'm just craving a bond right now. And it feels great to reconnect with friends, strengthen new ones, but I want to bond with him. Damn.

I feel as if I'm just floating around still and I feel purposeless. I want someone to share my life with, ya no and we love each other. But I have to stay strong. I wish he would just get help for himself we could really have a great life to share with each other. Even as friends or something. I don't even care about the drinking/drug situation right in this moment, I just want to be around him. Miss looking into his eyes. But I won't. I think I'll call a friend.

KeepPedaling

I can soooooooo relate to how you feel right now. I can't help but once in a while think, "it's almost worth it". You know, the suffering is almost worth being around him. But it's NOT. I only think that now, when I'm feeling healthier and stronger and happier in general. I feel so much healthier without him.

I miss him though. Especially having just seen him. It must be so hard for you to see your x on campus all the time. How much time do you have left before you graduate. That's super exciting! Do you mind saying what you're getting your degree in?

I'm glad you're staying strong.

Kassie2

I would say have those feelings but remember why you parted and love him from a distance. I would love to say, for now, but we all know there is no way to know what will be. Keep yourself safe and sane.

MaryGoRound

Ahh. Thanks so much guys. Yeah ya no I'm really having a spiritual experience through all of this. And you're so right KP, because you're healthier you think you can handle it after some time. LOL. So glad you said that.

Kassie yes...that all important "for now" piece. I like that I can still love him from afar.
I'm so grateful for that. I'm glad that I'm not as distraught or angry. I swear I really thought my world would end if I took a stand. I'm just now getting my world back.

Its a funny quirk, but I wish I could just call him up and say "do me a favor...just say the word 'really' " I don't know why, but the way he says it is reely cute. And that's it. I wouldn't want to hear anything else. I thought about that just now and I smiled to myself. And I'm happy because man its really nasty carrying around resentment....He needs help and I have an opportunity to be stronger by accepting his choices and keep chugging along. I'm so glad I learned everything I have learned and been able to communicate beautifully through all this. I was so nasty at times, and I'm really just so thankful to have lighter heart at the moment. In so many ways.

Yeah I graduate after this summer and my major is fashion design. His is graphic design. That's how we met - design class...so its very easy to run into him. All of our classes are in the same building.

TakingCharge999

Wow that's so incredible!!!!! how cool is that??

Mary... XABF works on my same floor so its also common for me to run into him, overhear him and lately Thank God we have not needed to interact due to work.

I am still stuck at anger but... it keeps me away.

coffeedrinker

thanks for sharing, mary.

i hope you're doing better today.

spring is here! a time for rebirth