jewell614

So, I found out from my sister that my ex crack addict boyfriend put himself in rehab. She found out from his father when she went looking for him for money he owed her for a PS3 he bought from her.

Today, I'm outside with both of my children. I'm carrying my four month old, and my five year old is playing from her friends about 15 feet away from me. All of a sudden, I hear, "Daddy, daddy, daddy." So, I start walking up to get closer. I'm confused. Sure enough, it was him with his girlfriend driving down my block.

Now, I have a pfa against him, and after the pfa I put on him, he sent me a message via Facebook about how much he loves me, his children, and he misses us. Well, I hate when I run into him because I start analyzing stuff. I don't want to do that.

I'm curious as to why he drove down my block. What is his motive. I'm moving forward pretty well, and it's like he is trying to weasel his way back into my life. OPINIONS AND ADVICE, PLEASE!!!

jewell614

He was only in rehab for 2 to 3 weeks. How many days is mandatory once one is signed in to a rehab?? He'll be back at it again in a few days or weeks. Sad, I was kind of happy when I found out he checked himself in to rehab. I thought the pfa had some kind of motivation for him to better himself. I stuck with it. NO CONTACT. He's out now, and it's going to be the same song and dance.

I should of called the cops. If it happens again, I will. He did not talk to me. He just looked at me.

Taking5

Unless it is court ordered, there is no such thing as mandatory rehab. he could walk out after 10 minutes if he wanted to. heck even court ordered people can reject rehab and do their time in jail instead if they want to.

Spiritual Seeker

stay focused on yourself and your kids. do your best not to react to his sha-nan-i-gons

jewell614

His girlfriend is a free meal ticket. He has no place to go,and she is the best enabler I have met. I just need to stop analyzing things, but it gets hard, and I have to put it through my thick head that I'm also another free meal ticket. I hate to admit it, but it's true.

He went to rehab in Philadelphia, and he couldn't even stick it out. It's not his time.

Ann

No but's, trying to analyze addiction and it's fallout is like trying to analyze the path of a tornado....the best thing to do is get out of the way and take care of yourself.

If he broke his "no contact", then report him. Otherwise, what's the point of having one? Then let it go.

Have you tried any live meetings? I know that I learned some of my best survival skills at meetings....the 12 steps are life saving, but there is so much more that helped me as well. If not, maybe give it a shot...you have nothing to lose.

Hugs

jewell614

I made the decision to violate him on the pfa. I am calling the police when I get home from school. A part of me didn't want to do it because I was thinking he will hate me for it, when in all reality, I just want him to be off of the streets, and I want him to want to get better.

I have to do this. I refuse to have my kids bury their dad, and I refuse to let him kill himself. It's so sick how I'm analyzing everything and if I should violate him or not. I'm thinking, I don't want him to hate me. I want to be able to tell him I'm doing this because I love him, but you know what, he wasn't thinking about me or my kids when he stole the computer or my baby's formula.

So, now I'm not thinking about anything else, but I'm going to WOMAN up, and I'm going to do what needs to be done. I'm not making the pfa a waste of my time. I did it for a reason, for him to better himself for our children. He started to go to rehab, he left. He violated the pfa. His time is up. My time is now.

outtolunch

Unfortunately, none of us have the power to stop someone from killing themselves. It all goes back to that powerless thing.

Sounds like you want to communicate your rational to him so he does not hate you.

Sounds like you might be allowing his potential opinion of you, define you.

I really don't know you. I have read your posts and know that you are worth substantially more than his opinion.

jewell614

I actually got it to protect my stuff from being stolen and also to prevent him from entering my apartment when I'm not home. There wasn't physical abuse, but when I called the police to make a report, he told me I would have to file a pfa even though he wasn't on the lease.

I also have hopes that he changes because this is the first time I have put my foot down. I'm not afraid of him. I just want to protect my property. I also hope that this shows him the light, but it's not the only reason I got it. We aren't together, but I hope he changes to be a father to my children.

wicked

Excellent Jewell. You sound like a woman on a mission. Very good for you and your children.

Beth

jewell614

Cynical one, are you saying I should not violate him. I am not afraid of him, although I do wonder why he drove down my block. Was he trying to see if I wasn't home to get into my apartment?? He was with his girlfriend. I also heard he has been asking if I have been with anyone else in myapartment. Is he spying on me? I don't know.

I really wasn't planning on the pfa, but the Reading Police Department told me to get one. I didn't feel it needed to go there, but to protect my properrty, I did. He violated the pfa.

I know I can't stop him from killing himself entirely, but if I have the power to get him off the streets, I will do it. Sure, he will probably get out and use again, but at least he will be okay while he is in jail. My property will be okay, and I will not have to worry about having a panic attack because he wants to drive up and down my block or call my phone and hang up anytime i answer. I don't know it's him because he blocks the number. What am I to do in your opinion?

jewell614

I would really like to go to those meetings, but between work, school, and kids, I don't have the time. I really want too. I know I have a lot to learn, and as strong as I am, in an instant I can become weak. All it takes is me seeing him.

I have to give myself credit for not talking to him or even trying too. I have come a long way. I still have a long way to go. Thanks for everyone's support and wisdom. I am very hard headed, and I need to hear it over and over and over again.

I need to eat, sleep, and breathe this recovery stuff.

Freedom1990

I understand juggling so many things when it comes to fitting meetings in.

What I realized at some point is that I needed to make the time for a one hour meeting, even if just once a week, because it was an integral part of my recovery.

That's only 1 hour out of 168 hours every week, really a small price to pay for peace of mind and fellowship with others.

I needed to be among people who understood how I felt and thought, who were further down the road than me.

If I don't keep my recovery first and foremost, I'm of little use as a mother, daughter, sister, co-worker, etc.

When my youngest was born, I couldn't leave her with her older sister.

I took her to meetings with me, and people understood.

It's a matter of prioritizing. Today my recovery comes first.

jewell614

He was driving down my block which is a one way half street in the city, not a main street, no reason for him to take it. He lives on the other side of the city. He knows no one who lives on my block. He had no reason to be there but to spy on me. He stopped right in front of my apartment where my daughter was playing. I was about ten feet away from my daughter walking up and down the sidewalk holding my 4 month old. He has not seen his kids in two months. Maybe he just wanted to see them, but they are also protected under the pfa. As I said before, he has been asking others about me and my doings.

I haven't violated him yet because I'm not afraid of him, and I don't think he poses any threat to me. The only thing I worry about is him stealing from me, which if something goes missing again, because of the pfa, it will be linked back to him.

I get very anxious when I see him. It sends me 10 steps backwards. I swear, but I don't want him having any contact with me or my children until he is deciding to get treatment, and he is working on getting a stable place to live, and he is DRUG FREE.

jewell614

Before the pfa was put on him, his girlfriend knew he was calling me and that he was making advances towards me. She doesn't care. She puts up with anything and everything he deals towards her.

He told her he still loved me. When we were still talking, he would talk to me in front of her for long periods of time, she never cared. She just wants him next to her.

Also, how could he convince her to let him use her mother's car to drive down my block. She is very young and naiive. What could he have said to her that she would agree to that? It makes no sense to me.

cinderellawkids

You answered your question. He drove down your block to manipulate you....and then he facebook messaged you? Isnt that contact? Isnt all contact prohibited?

It would be my guess(but just my thoughts and experiences)that he wanted you to hear he was in rehab and he wanted you to see him, he wanted a reaction to see if you care.

He's breaking the law...(as your pfa is a court order) therefore he should be violated. Most addicts if given an inch will take a mile, he's testing his boundaries. In addition, think of your daughter. I dont know if he has visitation or not, but, he didnt stop to hang with her or even hug her. What do you think this does to a little girl, to get a glimpse of dad and he just keeps going?

If he wants to see her, he should get something set up, schedule it and stick with it, consistency and a plan is what's best for a child.

How do you violate in your county? here we only call police if he is there then. Otherwise we file and affidavit of violation with clerk the Judge reviews and decides if that is enough for an arrest or sanction, or whatever, so basically you state facts and then its out of your hands what happens.

cinderellawkids

In my opinion, we all want them to get better, we all hope the things we do help them on that path, but more importantly if we give tham an inch they may/can and often do use that to wiggle there way back into our lives, then 6 months later you could be reliving the same horror.

I 100% hope someday my husband and I can be together. But I try hard to stay in reality. For me reality is he's only been sober ___ and he's done ______ with this time. Someone only possibly sober or sober a short time, and or sober due to circumstances (ie no money, no time alone ect) is likely not the best person to be in my childrens everyday lives

jewell614

thank you thank you thank you!!!

jewell614

I sooo agree with you. He wants a reaction from me. I wasn't giving him the reaction he wanted. He was used to me calling him hundreds of times, chasing him down, and me begging him to stay. I flipped the script on him. I'm giving him a challenge now. As human beings, we love challenge. Most of the people I wanted to go out with gave me the biggest challenge, which made me try that much harder. I have to stay the challenge and not give in.

jewell614

I agree with you whole-heartedly<<<<???? I don't know. Anyways, I will make my recovery first now. It's just like you said. How can I be a good mother, daughter, etc. if I'm not puttying recovery first?? I gotta make time. Thanks for the insight.