Expectations?
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Expectations?
I cant figure out why I feel the need to be validated. My stbxah didnt want any contact a month ago today because Icaught him on dating and affairs websites. Since then I havent heard a peep. No divorce papers yet like he threatened. But I keep expecting to hear from him and think it will make me feel better. Why? We had no relationship. He wasnt really present. Emotionally unavailable and could care less about me. I know all this logically.
Why do I even care if I ever hear from him again and what does that have to do with how I currently feel? I feel disappointed in myself that I feel this way. Ugh..
Why do I even care if I ever hear from him again and what does that have to do with how I currently feel? I feel disappointed in myself that I feel this way. Ugh..
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Originally Posted by suki44883 
Do you want him back?
Do you want to be divorced from him?
Do you want to be divorced from him?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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Well, it's not uncommon to grieve the loss of a relationship, even if it wasn't all that good. I don't know how long you were together, but you got used to things being the way they were, and now, things are different. Give it more time. The longer you are away from him and taking care of yourself, the more you will get used to doing the things that are good for you. Just because you know something logically, doesn't mean that your feelings have caught up. Give it time. What you are feeling is not unusual. 
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Originally Posted by suki44883
Well, it's not uncommon to grieve the loss of a relationship, even if it wasn't all that good. I don't know how long you were together, but you got used to things being the way they were, and now, things are different. Give it more time. The longer you are away from him and taking care of yourself, the more you will get used to doing the things that are good for you. Just because you know something logically, doesn't mean that your feelings have caught up. Give it time. What you are feeling is not unusual.
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For me, my emotional state was ages behind my brain.
Brain yelled "abandon ship", and I jumped immediately, settled in to new flat, organised change of address, post etc, and then mind went dead and feelings went haywire.
I missed him and couldn't figure it out til much later. It was the pre-drunk man I missed, the man who went out of his way to show me and our family that we came first. The man who was so much fun, interesting and interested in many things, who was a natty dresser, and a caring, spiritual and respected man to us and all who knew him.
He disappeared about 5 years before, becoming a silent or talking to self drunk, not interested in anything but sitting alone, in the dark and cursing God only knows who, as he guzzled his way thru 5 litres of wine....every night after work.
He no longer looked healthy, or neat and tidy, smelt like a dead fish and was as friendly as a taipan to me.
This old &%$#@*& I did not miss one little bit, and I realised the other, gorgeous man I married and was with for 22 years, was now long gone.
I accepted that it would be a freezing night in hell, before I ever thought of returning to the sozzled old wreck that used his name and inhabited his body.
When he died last year, it was the man I had loved, who I mourned and to some extent I always will.
As for the man who usurped his body and brain, well I felt pity as well as anger.
If Alcoholism was an actual person, someone you could see and touch, and get one's hands on.......I would now be serving time for the most vicious murder ever known.
God bless
Brain yelled "abandon ship", and I jumped immediately, settled in to new flat, organised change of address, post etc, and then mind went dead and feelings went haywire.
I missed him and couldn't figure it out til much later. It was the pre-drunk man I missed, the man who went out of his way to show me and our family that we came first. The man who was so much fun, interesting and interested in many things, who was a natty dresser, and a caring, spiritual and respected man to us and all who knew him.
He disappeared about 5 years before, becoming a silent or talking to self drunk, not interested in anything but sitting alone, in the dark and cursing God only knows who, as he guzzled his way thru 5 litres of wine....every night after work.
He no longer looked healthy, or neat and tidy, smelt like a dead fish and was as friendly as a taipan to me.
This old &%$#@*& I did not miss one little bit, and I realised the other, gorgeous man I married and was with for 22 years, was now long gone.
I accepted that it would be a freezing night in hell, before I ever thought of returning to the sozzled old wreck that used his name and inhabited his body.
When he died last year, it was the man I had loved, who I mourned and to some extent I always will.
As for the man who usurped his body and brain, well I felt pity as well as anger.
If Alcoholism was an actual person, someone you could see and touch, and get one's hands on.......I would now be serving time for the most vicious murder ever known.
God bless
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
L always woke me up with a forehead kiss and a cup of coffee. We traveled. He treated me like a princess most of the time. Put gas in my car. Got me medicine when I was sick. Picked out random clothes and items he found that I might like.
But....
He lied to me, my family and our friends.
He drank and threatened to do scary things.
He cheated and got engaged to her.
He hasn't worked in over 5 years.
He hasn't had a driver's license in ? years.
He lies about EVERTYTHING.
The good might be great, but look at the bad too. "Play the tape all the way through."
But....
He lied to me, my family and our friends.
He drank and threatened to do scary things.
He cheated and got engaged to her.
He hasn't worked in over 5 years.
He hasn't had a driver's license in ? years.
He lies about EVERTYTHING.
The good might be great, but look at the bad too. "Play the tape all the way through."
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Jadmack25 is so right. It is normal to mourn the loss of a marriage. If you cared about one another enough to get married, at one time the relationship must have been full of commitment, happiness, hope ... creating pleasant memories that will stay with us forever. Then with time, the relationship changed. When addiction is introduced and takes center stage, the dynamics of a relationship changes .... the addicts priorities become the substance of choice. We learn, through sources such as this forum, we are fighting a losing battle when the opponent is an addiction. In order to save ourselves and our sanity many of us must make the painful choice to move on with our lives and leave this destructive and powerful addiction behind. Only the addict can make a permanent and long lasting change and for most, it is an overwhelming mountain to climb.
The sad part is that the sober partner is left feeling lost, hurt and confused. Remembering the good, yet never understanding why we weren’t good enough to change for. We keep telling ourselves ...After all, if they truly loved us, they would change wouldn’t they? It feels like an unfinished story ... and we keep waiting for an ending that makes sense. We want to know we were once loved and cherished ..and we want closure to the relationship that we can understand ... and so many times with addiction we will never find it. Eventually we come to the realize that addiction is so powerful and all consuming ... that it defies all logical and rational behavior ... and any hope for a reasonable understanding as to why this once meaningful relationship ended.
The sad part is that the sober partner is left feeling lost, hurt and confused. Remembering the good, yet never understanding why we weren’t good enough to change for. We keep telling ourselves ...After all, if they truly loved us, they would change wouldn’t they? It feels like an unfinished story ... and we keep waiting for an ending that makes sense. We want to know we were once loved and cherished ..and we want closure to the relationship that we can understand ... and so many times with addiction we will never find it. Eventually we come to the realize that addiction is so powerful and all consuming ... that it defies all logical and rational behavior ... and any hope for a reasonable understanding as to why this once meaningful relationship ended.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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I cant figure out why I feel the need to be validated... I keep expecting to hear from him and think it will make me feel better. Why? We had no relationship. He wasnt really present. Emotionally unavailable and could care less about me. I know all this logically. Why do I even care if I ever hear from him again and what does that have to do with how I currently feel?
Which one are you? Do you need other people to validate everything you feel? Do you need someone else in your life to validate your worth? Do you feel you have the RIGHT to live your life? Can you stand completely on your own in confidence, with no one standing behind you or standing you up? No one can answer these questions LuLu but you. Exploring these questions and doing this work is a HUGE part of Recovery. You are EXACTLY where you need to be and KUDOS to you for recognizing this about yourself! So please recognize also HOW INCREDIBLE and COURAGEOUS YOU ARE for looking at yourself and admitting these very things that make you feel even more vulnerable and STOP feeling this way about yourself:
I feel disappointed in myself that I feel this way. Ugh.
Feel good about YOU LuLu! Please don't beat yourself up. And thanks for sharing, I needed that.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
I had a good cry yesterday. I realised that I was grieving over ther end of my 18 year marriage - we seperated 18 months ago!! I was glad to have a divorce from a controlling, passive agressive, angry, bitter, abusive, active alcoholic. But what I grieved for yesterday was the loss of the man I thought I met and loved. I'm really good at distancing myself from my feelings so all those tears came as such a suprise to me! I thought that I shouldn't feel like this because it truly is a relief to be away from him. Then I thought about what he used to be like (or, what I thought he used to be like - I may have romanticised it more than a little!) and the loss of that man is worth crying over - even if I am a little late!
Be kind to yourself. What you're feeling is completely normal. Let yourself feel sad.
Be kind to yourself. What you're feeling is completely normal. Let yourself feel sad.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
If there's anything I've learned from this experience it's that all things involve a [I]process[I]. There is no rational reason why I would have stayed this relationship last summer (when it was brand new) but I needed to work through every angle of it so that I could be ready to move on having learned everything I needed to learn. I would meditate and ask the questions about leaving the relationship or not--what I consistently heard, during the most incredibly painful parts of all of this, was to "be in the process".
It was worth the heartache. I cry for my A, the memories which were fantastic, the "connection", the charm and sense of humor, the laughter, holding one another...and those are mine. I will cherish them with a sense of compassion for my heartache, and remember to keep them balanced with the day-to-day reality that these memories of sheer joy were in stolen moments away from my A's primary relationship: the bottle.
Lulu, sending you hugs as you go through your process, you're doing great!
posie
It was worth the heartache. I cry for my A, the memories which were fantastic, the "connection", the charm and sense of humor, the laughter, holding one another...and those are mine. I will cherish them with a sense of compassion for my heartache, and remember to keep them balanced with the day-to-day reality that these memories of sheer joy were in stolen moments away from my A's primary relationship: the bottle.
Lulu, sending you hugs as you go through your process, you're doing great!
posie
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Little kids who's been abused horribly by their parents still look for validation from them.
It's primal and a human instinct to want to be accepted and validated.
A beaten animal will still look to snuggle and get a pet from their abusive owner.
You can apply all the "fancy" remdies like "love yourself" or "your mourning the person you thought they were" but really, the only way to move past this is with time.
You can work on yourself all you want and love yourself until you're sick of yourself, but at the end of the day, even when you're "healed" and even people who don't have codie issues, still want/need validation and acceptance.
It's human, we're human, don't fight it
It's primal and a human instinct to want to be accepted and validated.
A beaten animal will still look to snuggle and get a pet from their abusive owner.
You can apply all the "fancy" remdies like "love yourself" or "your mourning the person you thought they were" but really, the only way to move past this is with time.
You can work on yourself all you want and love yourself until you're sick of yourself, but at the end of the day, even when you're "healed" and even people who don't have codie issues, still want/need validation and acceptance.
It's human, we're human, don't fight it
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Originally Posted by lulu1974
I cant figure out why I feel the need to be validated. My stbxah didnt want any contact a month ago today because Icaught him on dating and affairs websites. Since then I havent heard a peep. No divorce papers yet like he threatened. But I keep expecting to hear from him and think it will make me feel better. Why? We had no relationship. He wasnt really present. Emotionally unavailable and could care less about me. I know all this logically.
Why do I even care if I ever hear from him again and what does that have to do with how I currently feel? I feel disappointed in myself that I feel this way. Ugh..
Why do I even care if I ever hear from him again and what does that have to do with how I currently feel? I feel disappointed in myself that I feel this way. Ugh..
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Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
And I hate the fact that I cant get myself under control. My anxiety is so high I cant funtcion. This is despite the yoga, therapy, alanon. I have a dr appt tomorrow. I feel like i cant manage this on my own. I pray several times a day. I feel like my heart is so broken. My spirit feels empty. I feel worthless..I really cannot wait to move on. I have read codependent no more 3 times. I feel like I cant get control of my emotions..I admit this. I feel broken and I know this is coming within myself but cant really find myself to help myself?
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Join Date: Dec 2009
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You are not alone! I have felt lost and afraid too.
(((((lulu)))))
For me I sometimes just keep repeating the serenity prayer over and over again!
It helps me to focus on the things I can change like my thinking needs work sometimes.
I make mountains out of molehills for instance. I totally blow things out of proportion, and sometimes my awfulizing is just crazy.
(((((lulu)))))
For me I sometimes just keep repeating the serenity prayer over and over again!
It helps me to focus on the things I can change like my thinking needs work sometimes.
I make mountains out of molehills for instance. I totally blow things out of proportion, and sometimes my awfulizing is just crazy.
today4me
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
I feel the same way Lulu. It hurts to read what you are saying, but makes me not feel alone to know others feel the same. I keep saying is it indeed an addiction to her, or love? So confusing.
Hang in there and keep posting please.
Hang in there and keep posting please.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
are you eating well? do you take any vitamins or supplements? is your age a factor of any sort? are you getting enough sleep at night? do you perhaps need a break? a mini vacation? a time out? let's make sure you're looking at the right stuff and not filling the gas tank hoping that will fix the flat. kwim? 
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Location: Quebec
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Admitting that you need help and zeroing in on your emotions is an awesome first step. See what your doc says...perhaps there's something that can be done on the anti-depressant/supplements front (hope you're not insulted I suggested this!).
Keep doing what you're doing, and perhaps look at other stuff, like journaling (ever read/done "the Artist's Way"?), trying out a new activity and RESTING. Remember, it's only been a month of NC. That's not long at all. Give it time and congratulate yourself for trying to heal yourself. That's an awesome thing! I get a sense from reading your post that you want to feel better quickly (as in "Instant gratification now damnit!"). As suck-y as this is to say, discomfort never killed anyone. It's just...well...uncomfortable! Take this time to really flesh out why you're feeling what you're feeling. Cry it out. Yell it out. Punch it out. Laugh it out. You'll be ok!
Keep doing what you're doing, and perhaps look at other stuff, like journaling (ever read/done "the Artist's Way"?), trying out a new activity and RESTING. Remember, it's only been a month of NC. That's not long at all. Give it time and congratulate yourself for trying to heal yourself. That's an awesome thing! I get a sense from reading your post that you want to feel better quickly (as in "Instant gratification now damnit!"). As suck-y as this is to say, discomfort never killed anyone. It's just...well...uncomfortable! Take this time to really flesh out why you're feeling what you're feeling. Cry it out. Yell it out. Punch it out. Laugh it out. You'll be ok!
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day
Admitting that you need help and zeroing in on your emotions is an awesome first step. See what your doc says...perhaps there's something that can be done on the anti-depressant/supplements front (hope you're not insulted I suggested this!).
Keep doing what you're doing, and perhaps look at other stuff, like journaling (ever read/done "the Artist's Way"?), trying out a new activity and RESTING. Remember, it's only been a month of NC. That's not long at all. Give it time and congratulate yourself for trying to heal yourself. That's an awesome thing! I get a sense from reading your post that you want to feel better quickly (as in "Instant gratification now damnit!"). As suck-y as this is to say, discomfort never killed anyone. It's just...well...uncomfortable! Take this time to really flesh out why you're feeling what you're feeling. Cry it out. Yell it out. Punch it out. Laugh it out. You'll be ok!
Keep doing what you're doing, and perhaps look at other stuff, like journaling (ever read/done "the Artist's Way"?), trying out a new activity and RESTING. Remember, it's only been a month of NC. That's not long at all. Give it time and congratulate yourself for trying to heal yourself. That's an awesome thing! I get a sense from reading your post that you want to feel better quickly (as in "Instant gratification now damnit!"). As suck-y as this is to say, discomfort never killed anyone. It's just...well...uncomfortable! Take this time to really flesh out why you're feeling what you're feeling. Cry it out. Yell it out. Punch it out. Laugh it out. You'll be ok!
I do want instant gratification because in a way this has been going on forever. I am tired and was hoping to feel better soon. Sadly I am feeling worse. Did not see this coming...Thanks very much
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