Ingwer

I took off my wedding band. Bitter sweet, slightly overwhelming. I have been dealing with a metric cr$p ton of texts from him today... Why are you doing this, why are you so distant... My only replies have been to work on me, to take care of me, and to finally put me first.... To harsh?

ericam24

I have never put myself first with AH, I started almost less than 2 weeks ago with the help of meetings. The wonderful people on this website have been so helpful also. Reading has also helped me. Keep your chin up.

Ingwer

I am trying but have never been a put me first person, its still new and I dont think I am very good at it. It also does not help he is today resentful for it

Ceres

Men's minds - He might also be worried about attention you might get without the ring.

Thumper

It was kind of a 'moment' for me too when I decided to take mine off. There is actually a mark on my finger where it had been I'de worn it for so long.

You don't have to answer the texts at all you know. You don't even have to read them.

stella27

I would urge you to do whatever you have to preserve your serenity and sense of calm.

Ingwer

I feel guilty not answering. I dont want to be another stress that causes him to drink. I know it sounds awful, and I am not worrying about making him stop drinking at this moment, but I dont want to be the cause of it either. So I amswer the texts, but I amswer them with "I need" or "I am going to..." Instead of What do "you" need. And @ Thumper I have that mark to... wonder if it ever goes back to a normal finger?

Bucyn

Only a codie thinks it's too harsh to say, "I'm going to take care of myself".

Of course it's not too harsh. What's the harshest thing he's ever said to you?

As for the ring, I had mine remade into another ring. It's a "New Beginning" ring with a sunrise topaz I bought myself a couple months before we split on a cruise we took together. He should have bought the topaz for me...but I was not worthy enough of his regard. So I bought it for myself, knowing it meant either I was going to have a happy marriage or a happy divorce.

It turned out to be a happy divorce (as I suspected even as I paid for it). I love my ring; it was making lemonade out of lemons, a quilt out of scraps, forging a new life out of the old.

Bucyn

What did you do with yours?

Ingwer

Is it that obvious lol...

TakingCharge999

I dont want to be another stress that causes him to drink.

A passing mosquito can also prove to be so stressful enough for them, to justify a drinking weekend. Or the start of Spring. Or the 2012 end of the world prophecies. Or the good old saying: "Life is short".

Go No contact. Its good for your soul and overall health.

Thumper

Letting go of the guilt is an important thing. Everyone kept telling me the guilt was toxic and they were right. Keep reminding yourself that when it comes to your husbands alcoholism and alcohol consumption...

You do not cause it
You can not cure it
You can not control it

Nothing you say or do is going to make one bit of difference. Really. If he wants to drink he will.

Focus on yourself and what you need to do to keep your peace and strength.

I like the analogy of the dance. The alcoholic and the co-dependent partner are in a tragic dance. Every time I engaged or responded, I spun us around for more dancing. The dancing was becoming so wild and fast. I became so afraid, confused, exhausted. I had to step away from the dance in order to think clearly. We are like magnets sometimes, our A's and us. We get to close and *smack* we are entangled and spinning in the vortex of our tragic dance one more time.

It did go away. I wore nothing on that hand for a week. Just getting use to not having a ring on and what that represented. I took mine off the day the divorce was final. I have other beautiful rings that I wear now.

Mine is just sitting in the ring box now. Someday I will have the stones taken out and put into a mother's ring. All my kids have April birthdays (which is diamond). I may replace the stones on the actual band and wear it again.

DMC

I took mine off to make a point. (And slammed them down on the stove and left them there to mean that I meant business.)

I wore my anniversary band at work for a few months because I was tired of marriage proposals from other drunks. (Seriously) And it was sparkly. And I liked it.

But now, I'm not even bothering. I'm ready to move on. I will probably have my engagement diamond set into a solitaire necklace and use the wedding band gold to pay for it. No hurry, though.

My finger had a dent for awhile, but no longer. And the ring-tan is gone too.

SheCanRun

Ingwer I had to practice not wearing my ring. It's been a couple of years ago (we've been separated three times in past two years) and when I finally got the nerve to take it off I had a really hard time. I was very weepy about the whole thing.

So I would take it off for a few hours when he was not around then put it back on. My hand always felt bare without it. I would "practice" not wearing it. This went on for a while until I was up to a day then two then finally I was done.

It was many months before he even noticed. Since he never wore his ring (lost it on a business trip he said) I guess he just didn't pay attention to things.

There was a point last year when I was going to have lunch with two friends (ex's from HS) when he got all dramatic and asked me to put it back on. Got down on bended knee and everything. I pretty much thought that was b.s. but did wear it for a few months. PS- he was invited to lunch with ex's but was so angry that he did not go. He made me take the kids... lol. Pretty funny altho AH was so mad. Both ex's are Dad's and the 5 of us had the best time ever.

Now ring is off forever. AH will never be my partner again except in parenting. Give yourself some time. This too shall pass.

coffeedrinker

wow, another step!

i too would urge you to stop engaging with him via texts - it is just so pointless.
you have already drawn a boundary line around your bedroom, so maybe you could tell him that since you two are moving further away from each other, you feel it best for you (not him) that you cease uneccessary, hurtful communications. he will try to pull you into an argument i suspect, but don't let him. if it were me, i'd prob stay blank-faced and listen, then say nothing except "i gotta go in the other room now".

-christine
p.s. i'd put that ring away somewhere safe....just to be safe

Gold

I had a real cleanse this summer.
I sold all my jewellery given to me by XS's (yup plural)
Didnt make any where near the purchase value but enjoyed spending the money on ME!!
Now I no longer have those reminders. A fresh start.

RollTide

He is losing his enabler and it scares him to see that you are getting your power back.

I took my ring off last November and haven't looked back. The world looks much clearer since I distanced myself from the insanity. It makes me wonder why I hung on so long.

Hammerhead

I took my wedding band off 3 times before it was off permanently. You are no longer under his spell... you don't have to answer (or even read) his texts... you are not abandoning him.... you are choosing to take care of you.... and that is not harsh.

I had great guilt in the early part of separation and divorce... but my EXAH's sister explained it to me this way.... you aren't divorcing him.... you are divorcing the alcoholic.

I struggled with my vows.... and it was pointed out to me that I made a vow in FRONT of God... not TO God. God does not wish his children to be yoked with darkness.... for light and darkness have nothing in common.

I live in Indiana.... it's been beautiful weather

Take care.

Ingwer

Thank you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Learn2Live

No, not in my opinion.

1. Guilt is POISON. It will hold you back in your Recovery and make you sick (literally). LOSE THE GUILT. Whatever you have to do to talk yourself out of the guilt, DO IT.

2. You never have, do not now, and never will CAUSE him to drink.

3. Can you see how Number 1 and Number 2 go together? Alcoholics and addicts use guilt (try to make you feel guilty, take the blame, take responsibility) so that they can continue to stay in denial. We take the blame, feel the guilt, and take responsibility. Until WE stop the cycle and get off the rollercoaster, it will go on for eternity.

You did not cause it,
You cannot control it, and
You cannot cure it.