KeepPedaling

Well, I guess I'm not as recovered as I thought. Without this forum though, I don't think I'd be as far along as I am.

He showed up at my door on Friday. He lives an hour away from me and doesn't drive (ya, lots of DUI's). It was raining. He was standing in my doorway soaked and crying. I let him in after about 15 minutes of talking.

He spent two days here. He's only been sober since last Sunday (he says). While he was here, he had trouble sleeping and he sweated A LOT when he did sleep.

I told him that I believe that I need to get out of his way if he has any chance of getting back on the path to recovery (and I do). I've learned in this forum that "helpers" don't help alcoholics, they only prolong the journey to the bottom. I can really see the truth in that now. I told him I would not unblock my phone for his calls and that I did not want him to contact me.

He didn't like that and said he needed me. I explained that it's not just about him, that I need to get better too, and I can't do that with him in my life right now. That's true. I get it that we need to be apart. He said he didn't like that either but understood and would respect my decision (I really hope he does).

About me: I'm not sure if spending two days with him was a good idea for me. It felt good to talk to him about how I felt. It felt good to have so many honest conversations with him without fighting. It felt really good to know that choosing to be apart from him is the right thing (it was so much more painful and scary a prospect when I wasn't sure of that point before).

About him: He explained how much he scared himself this time. He said it happened really fast (things getting out of control) and he knows he has no "plan B" - if he screws his life up now, he'll be homeless (his family won't help him either). He said that he understands that he will die if he chooses to drink and that if he wanted anything good in his life, he can't drink.

When I took him home and dropped him off, he asked when he would hear from me again. I told him that I didn't know. He said he knew he had a lot to do to get his life back together and that he was going to work hard to do that. He also seemed relieved that I forgave him and don't "hate" him.

Now he's gone and I'm alone wondering if it was wise to spend the time with him. I'm glad that he knows I don't hate him and that I'm ok, so he doesn't have to feel guilty about that at least. For me, I'm glad that he apologized and seemed honest about how sorry he was that he hurt me so much. It made me feel better knowing that it didn't go unnoticed to him. It was nice to hug him and tell him that I love him. It makes me feel better knowing he knows that.

But now what? Now I'm hoping I will wake up tomorrow and focus on my life and my goals and my emotional health. I hope that seeing him doesn't put me a gazillion steps back.

It's so hard to know what choices are the right ones. But I guess that's life, not just life with an alcoholic in it.

I would really appreciate your feedback. Thanks for listening.

KeepPedaling

Also, I guess I need to somehow prepare for the possibility that he will show up at my door in a few weeks and assume that I will let him stay for the weekend, since I did this time.

freefalling

(((KP)))

NC is tough on us. Only you will know when the joy/relief of seeing him is better than to face his self destruction. I cannot cope with my husband drinking. The toll on me is too big. All of us have our own time-frames.

Jadmack25

KP, I wonder if maybe your HP had AH spend the time with you, because you both needed to speak and listen to each other, to express feelings that til now had not been heard.

He may turn up sometime, and if he expects to be invited in again....you just need to remind him that you are apart and there is no contact right now and ask him to leave.

He may not turn up, and you will have worried for no good reason.

Don't borrow trouble that hasn't even appeared yet, it just gets you upset and throws all those good experiences out of whack.

Just keep your NC in place, and keep pedalling as you have been to now.

God bless

transformyself

First of all congratulations. I think you handled it well; with compassion and while being conscious of yourself and him.

About this:
this is fantastic in my opinion. It's another step into the unknown, while acknowledging your truth. To me, this is very adult like and honest. For me, when this happens, it's unknown ground--being truthful about where you are without fighting or blaming.

If I move right to acceptance and detaching after these kinds of conversations, I don't muck up his process, or mine.

Don't "hope." Hope is not a plan. Make this happen if that's what you want.

Even if it does put you back a few steps, you've had a taste of what life can be like in recovery and getting back there will take less time than before. I think you did a fantastic job Girl. Now, just keep moving along. The trick for me is not obsessing! Keep detaching, having awareness of my feelings and letting them go.

MaryGoRound

I'm really happy for you KP. A similar thing just happened to me and I am so happy that I had a chance to talk about things that haven't been talked about at all or without fighting at this point. I too questioned, what this meant..if it was right, etc.

But I think whoever said it is right! I think a HP gave you and me an opportunity for that.
Don't think of yourself as doing bad or defective. Just enjoy the small amount of peace that opportunity has brought.

Its funny..I feel our situations are similar so I've been following your story...and one of the people I was most worried about judging me for breaking NC was you....

It's a VERY slippery slope, but sometimes if you trust yourself enough to give an ear (or in your case a couch)...it ends up bringing the clarity you needed. You still maintained A boundary at least and your still focused on your recovery. So I think your okay. Your not being unrealistic or taking him back...Maybe this was test for your recovery. And I would say you passed. You had compassion AND you maintained your boundary for your needs.

Your ability to pick yourself up and "keep pedaling" has inspired me in the least, so keep goin' girl! I've been thinking about volunteering and doing things based on compassion to fill that void..just out of curiosity have you tried things like that? I'm wondering if that really would help.

MaryGoRound

If you look at it one way you may have "relapsed"

but if you look at in another...as long as you still maintained a healthy distance even with him staying there..you didn't take the bait and you have a deeper trust in things. You know even more how much he cares and you care. Even through all of this.And you can continue with your recovery. That's a win win for me

transformyself

Yes! It's all about math, really. How many hours are in the day? How do you want to fill them? When you consciously stop worrying about things you have no control over and choose to focus on what's important to YOU, you can do amazing things!

tpen

Thank you for that post. I believe you did the right thing and you have no regrets. The only bad thing it has caused is for to worry about the next encounter. Start taking care of yourself again. Or, put your energy on yourself.

I am worried about the same thing happening to me and how I would react. I know I shouldn't worry. Especially after what I told you in the above paragraph. It just lifts my heart to hear of your encounter and know that you feel better about yourself for loving him unconditionally.

I'm new here......

GiveLove

Mine did. Until I finally closed the door and stopped being his savior. Then he stopped doing it. I was amazed at how simple it was. One time he walked three miles in the cold with no shoes on to give me a painting he'd made. So dramatic...and yet I fell for it every time. That made-for-TV-movie I'll-be-his-savior stuff...I wasn't done with filling that role until I was done with it. Have a good week, KP!!

tpen

GiveLove - are you two back together then? Sorry for redirecting post, but curious if once you stopped - it changed him.

CatsPajamas

Yep, mine too. He walked a few miles to bring me my mail. He knocked and cried outside my door until I finally called the police. I remember him sitting on the curb, sobbing with one officer while the other brought me the bag of mail. I had already changed my address for most things... the mail he brought was flyers from a department store addressed to (my name) or current resident. There was even an entry for Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. The officer and I had a bit of a laugh over that.

It never ceases to amaze me how similar many of our stories are. Learning that, and reading so many other peoples' stories helped me to realize I needed to make some changes, otherwise I was going to be stuck on that merry-go-round.

It's very hard to go no contact, and many of us backslide a little as we grow. For me, the important thing was to talk to other recovery friends and sort out why I did it, what I learned, and what I might do differently the next time.

Hugs,
Cats

posiesperson

Wow, KP. Sounds like you're handling this well. I don't have any particular experience with this type of situation but I really appreciate what the others have posted.

This is what I'm trying to do: Put myself first, with compassion, and all will be well.

Hugs,
posie

NYC_Chick

KP: I agree with GL. He will continue to come back as long as you allow it. I did this for a full year with my xabf. He did not paint, he wrote beautiful songs and recorded them. He wrote long beautiful love letters too. The whole time, well for eight months, he had a girlfriend. My guess is their relationship went well because I was there for all the crap. I went no contact when I found out about her and the heap of lies with his drinking again. I got very sick with stress at the end. Only you will know when you are done. For me, it was the realization that either he was going to get what he wanted, or I was. I chose to live and did not look back. He continued yo email and text, then call, for 7 months. I ignored all of it because I did not want him to have any in whatsoever.

Good luck!

KeepPedaling

Thank you so much! I have some more to say, but I'm swamped at work. I just wanted to say a quick "thanks" til later.

GiveLove

No. I recognized that he was incredibly unhealthy for me and I knew it would hurt me to be back together. I had to learn to listen to my head, and not my heart (or my hormones)

It was very, very hard, but the right decision for me. I went on (much later, after much inner work) to find a person who is honest, loving, kind, and super-supportive - and NOT an addict. I would have missed out on that completely if I was still trying to save XA.

Being his savior was good for stroking my ego, but I found it damaging to be sucked back into his world. There was a reason why I went no contact with him - and it wasn't to change him. It was to save my life.

But most of us go through these bumps on our way to serenity...heaven knows I did. In a perfect world, we learn from our "relapses" and then move on to the next right thing - for US.

KeepPedaling

Wow Mary! I hope you know now that I wouldn't judge you for slipping up! I'm certainly no one to judge. I always read your posts too.

To answer your question, yes, I'm usually doing some sort of volunteer work for the community. I've been so short on time lately that I've had to back off on that. I think I benefit the most from the time I spend working with animals (horses and dogs). It's just so spiritually rewarding. Horses have always pulled me out of the dark when I've gone too far. I'm so thankful for them. And for this forum.

KeepPedaling

A quick update: I've been missing him terribly again, so seeing him again definitely set me back in that department. I am committed to my decision though.

I did one last thing though (I know, I know). I did it for him, and probably for me too. It made me feel better somehow.

I know that having me in his life is bad for him and for me. However, when we talked about things, through all of his quacking, I got the sense that he really does want to make good choices and get his life together. That might be true. He may want to work hard to do that. If he does, I wanted him to have the best shot possible. So, on my lunch break, I made a few calls and found him a therapist. A Phd that will see him regularly pro bono (I know! Can you believe that?). He specializes in addiction, depression, and anxiety issues. So I send xabf the contact information. He can choose to go or not. It's up to him.

For me, I've gotten back to focusing on me (except for that "one last thing"). I might be making myself a little TOO busy and feel a little ragged. I think that's good for now though. Busy is good.

Hope everyone is having a productive and healthy week.

coffeedrinker

KP,

i wanna thank you for posting and being honest.

it was probably both scary and energizing to be with him connecting on the level you did. i don't think it's a ploy, or he is being disingenuous. but that's the same as recovering.

my abf, whom i have distanced myself (but not left in the dust) from, has always sincerely wanted to live a clean and sober life, full of truth, integrity and fulfillment. but how does he - and will he - make that happen? ah, herein lies the million dollar question.

make a promise to yourself regarding your boundaries, then again, promise yourself that you will stick to them. remember, it doesn't have to be - right now - forever. but as you continue to get healthier, you will one day not want to go back to him, if he is still too "sick" for you and your new self.

KeepPedaling

Thanks Coffee. I feel like I'm in a place where I'm ok on my own (I guess I've always been in that place since I'm single more often than not), understand I can't be with him, but genuinely hope he finds a way to be happy and healthy. I really want that for him. I want that for everyone. I feel really good about leaving him with an opportunity to accept help from a professional helper (not an amateur like me). He has all the tools he needs to recover.

I'm feeling pretty good today. I decided to relax tonight and watch a movie. I have banana bread in the oven which is making my place smell super yummy and homey. MMMM! Can't wait til thats ready, even if it means I'll have to go extra far on my bike tomorrow.