Was my ex An Alcoholic?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Was my ex An Alcoholic?
Hi all. I hope I am in the right place. I am going through a tough time right now as my ex just cheated on me and left, just 2 months before our wedding. We had been together for 4 years.
She has struggled with depression her whole life, and has low self-esteem. Ever since I met her she has always drank a lot of alcohol. I also drink, but typically socially, not to the excesses she was. Over the years we had quite a few incidents that troubled me.
However, over the past 2 months when she was cheating, I had started to come down harder on her drinking. She started saying things to me like "I can't handle this for my lifetime" and "Don't tell me what to do" when I suggested she might have a drinking problem.
Here are some of the things she did:
1. Drank a case of beer a week, each week (same beer brand). No hard liquor. Sometimes white wine (can drink a whole bottle by herself easily at dinner).
2. Drank more beer on the weekends, but drank almost every night. 3 beers on a work night was normal, then more on weekends. She was only 100 lbs so didn't take much beer before her personality changed.
3. Only seemed to enjoy activities that involved alcohol.
4. Drank by herself here in the house back in her office most of the time.
5. Blacked out when she drank way too much, became angry and belligerent and picked fights with me. Did not remember in the morning. Sometimes did this in public as well but that was more rare. This blackout/anger-argue/forget thing probably happened at least 30 times in the past 4 years.
6. Hated it to the point of leaving me or cheating when I asked her to cut back on her drinking.
7. Drank more when I wasn't around/watching.
A few incidents over the years: Twice she drank so much she woke up puking and I had to turn her over once or she could have died possibly. Once at a Las Vegas pool drinking beer same thing but on a lounge chair. 2 months ago at a company dinner for her work, drank a bunch of wine and then had an angry outburst at her co-workers who were not even doing anything. Recently before our break-up, while I was at my Dad's on a Sunday, drank a whole bottle of wine and a 6 pack of beer, then when I came home, picked a fight with me and called me a cheater (this was when she had started cheating).
What I want to know is, did I overreact? Was this not an alcoholic? It's over now, too late to fix it, but I am retracing my steps and wondering.
She has struggled with depression her whole life, and has low self-esteem. Ever since I met her she has always drank a lot of alcohol. I also drink, but typically socially, not to the excesses she was. Over the years we had quite a few incidents that troubled me.
However, over the past 2 months when she was cheating, I had started to come down harder on her drinking. She started saying things to me like "I can't handle this for my lifetime" and "Don't tell me what to do" when I suggested she might have a drinking problem.
Here are some of the things she did:
1. Drank a case of beer a week, each week (same beer brand). No hard liquor. Sometimes white wine (can drink a whole bottle by herself easily at dinner).
2. Drank more beer on the weekends, but drank almost every night. 3 beers on a work night was normal, then more on weekends. She was only 100 lbs so didn't take much beer before her personality changed.
3. Only seemed to enjoy activities that involved alcohol.
4. Drank by herself here in the house back in her office most of the time.
5. Blacked out when she drank way too much, became angry and belligerent and picked fights with me. Did not remember in the morning. Sometimes did this in public as well but that was more rare. This blackout/anger-argue/forget thing probably happened at least 30 times in the past 4 years.
6. Hated it to the point of leaving me or cheating when I asked her to cut back on her drinking.
7. Drank more when I wasn't around/watching.
A few incidents over the years: Twice she drank so much she woke up puking and I had to turn her over once or she could have died possibly. Once at a Las Vegas pool drinking beer same thing but on a lounge chair. 2 months ago at a company dinner for her work, drank a bunch of wine and then had an angry outburst at her co-workers who were not even doing anything. Recently before our break-up, while I was at my Dad's on a Sunday, drank a whole bottle of wine and a 6 pack of beer, then when I came home, picked a fight with me and called me a cheater (this was when she had started cheating).
What I want to know is, did I overreact? Was this not an alcoholic? It's over now, too late to fix it, but I am retracing my steps and wondering.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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We can't know if she is an alcoholic, but from what you have described, it doesn't sound like you over reacted at all. That doesn't sound like the type of behavior I would want to marry. I think she did you a favor by leaving. Take care of yourself, you can do better.
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Thanks for your reply. I am sort of kicking myself a bit for what I could have done to keep us together but as many have told me, maybe better off. It's just hard when you get cheated on to know they are happy and thriving and you are suffering and lonely and all that. Seems so unfair right now.
But I am mad at myself for calling her an alcoholic or bringing up that word as I'm not even sure how to know if she even was, only that her drinking was starting, to me, to become too excessive and troublesome (I often found myself having to babysit or apologize for her in public).
Oh one other thing was, whenever she had a bad day at work, or problems, she would drink, or drink more, because she said it made her feel better.
But I am mad at myself for calling her an alcoholic or bringing up that word as I'm not even sure how to know if she even was, only that her drinking was starting, to me, to become too excessive and troublesome (I often found myself having to babysit or apologize for her in public).
Oh one other thing was, whenever she had a bad day at work, or problems, she would drink, or drink more, because she said it made her feel better.
today4me
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
DMKK - I just posted four days ago to a situation that is like yours. Find it if you can, because the responses I got really helped me make more sense of it. Cheating, not remembering, blaming it on you and the worst...........me thinking I could of rescued her.
Hang in there, stay on here as much as you can to keep straight as I made a mistake already. Pray, walk - I shoot baskets everytime to get my mind of it. These other members on her are supportive, very supportive.
Yes - she is!
Hang in there, stay on here as much as you can to keep straight as I made a mistake already. Pray, walk - I shoot baskets everytime to get my mind of it. These other members on her are supportive, very supportive.
Yes - she is!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Normal people do not need alcohol when they have a tough day at work. They just deal with it without the help of some chemical. Why do you care if she is your ex? Just let it go and move on.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I would say she definitely has deep issues and uses alcohol to numb them. I too sometimes go to denial, when thinking of an ex I had, thinking what if it was all my imagination? what if now with someone else he is great and sober and nice? lol.
Drinking a complete bottle is a red flag.
You said her personality changed after some beers, it didn't change, the alcohol just let her be herself. It was her real self that shined on then.
Anger, quarrels, irrational stuff, been there done that.
It had nothing to do with me, really.
And it has nothing to do with you, really.
It could have been anyone else in our place.
Have you seeked therapy or Alanon? alcoholism is very destructive and it takes a long time to heal. It helped me to read about alcoholism and read here, to know he was nothing special, my ex was just doing what alcoholics do.... and I was just doing what codependents do.
I get how it feels when one is mourning and the other one seems happy. Waking up intoxicated does not seem fun to me. Waking up to a partner who is intoxicated does not seem fun or attractive AT ALL, ughhhhh. It is repulsive!
I feel better when I think about my definition of happiness. Its NOT the same others have. And that's ok.. its their life... I think it was a gift from the universe to take her away from your life.
Mourning sucks but its a stage. Mourning sucks but it is real. They can act very happy and fulfilled but if you had a magic potion that can take away any uncomfortable feeling and make you believe you are a mini God, you would also act happy. It doesn't mean anything really................
Anyway as someone said here "don't compare their outsides to your insides, it's incredibly unfair to you".
What is important is to see why you ignored all those times where she acted like a child not like a partner, and learn so no other addict comes to your life.
Drinking a complete bottle is a red flag.
You said her personality changed after some beers, it didn't change, the alcohol just let her be herself. It was her real self that shined on then.
Anger, quarrels, irrational stuff, been there done that.
It had nothing to do with me, really.
And it has nothing to do with you, really.
It could have been anyone else in our place.
Have you seeked therapy or Alanon? alcoholism is very destructive and it takes a long time to heal. It helped me to read about alcoholism and read here, to know he was nothing special, my ex was just doing what alcoholics do.... and I was just doing what codependents do.
I get how it feels when one is mourning and the other one seems happy. Waking up intoxicated does not seem fun to me. Waking up to a partner who is intoxicated does not seem fun or attractive AT ALL, ughhhhh. It is repulsive!
I feel better when I think about my definition of happiness. Its NOT the same others have. And that's ok.. its their life... I think it was a gift from the universe to take her away from your life.
Mourning sucks but its a stage. Mourning sucks but it is real. They can act very happy and fulfilled but if you had a magic potion that can take away any uncomfortable feeling and make you believe you are a mini God, you would also act happy. It doesn't mean anything really................
Anyway as someone said here "don't compare their outsides to your insides, it's incredibly unfair to you".
What is important is to see why you ignored all those times where she acted like a child not like a partner, and learn so no other addict comes to your life.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 25
TakingCharge,tpen, Captainzing, Dgillz,
Thanks so much for your posts. I am starting to learn a lot about the disease and the problems just through posts here and the responses here.
tpen: My heart goes out to you. I know how you are feeling. Take comfort in knowing you did the right thing to let her go if you did not trust her. I was forced to do the same even though she wanted to deny an affair. It is still hard as I just want to "turn back time" to go to before there was another guy, before things got to the point they got. Then again, when you involve alcohol, that can never go away. Be happy that your ex admitted she was an alcoholic at one point, mine never did, may never. Said it was normal and she wasn't causing any problems. To her, the only time it was a problem was when she got SO drunk she lost herself. She didn't realize that even if she was just drinking a few beers to "get a buzz" as she said (which turned out to be, basically, drunk, and I could tell when she was very easily), that was ok to her. Unless it was destructive to someone, she didn't feel there was ANYTHING wrong with it, even if she did it every day.
dgillz: It's very recent so I am just trying to cope right now. It's hard dealing with the sudden loss as I'm realizing I was a bit of a co-dependent on it for whatever reason. It wasn't like we even did a lot together towards the end of the relationship except fight, but it was something about just having here there, someone in bed with me, someone to talk to, that I needed. I may be a co-dependent person overall.
Captainzing2000: It's odd because I love her and want to see her better, but for some reason don't want to see her new relationship do well because it justifies her cheating on me and I hate that. If this guy is like me he may just put up with it as well is the problem. And the sad thing is that despite the alcohol issues which were not daily, just frequent, I still loved her. It was definitely to the point where, most times I took her a place there was alcohol (party, social events) I did worry how much she would drink. I am happy to be free of that anyway.
TakingCharge: Sounds like you really get it. She didn't do a whole bottle of a wine often on her own, but it did happen. I know there are much worse drinkers here who hit the hard stuff and all so I was worried that I was being too hard on her. The bottom line was that it felt like more nights than not, she was at least slightly and often more drunk and I was tired of living with someone who wasn't sober.
It was rare she woke up intoxicated or drank in the morning (never really) so I guess you have seen even worse. Still, it was not fun spending most nights with someone who always had a beer in her hand either. And like I said, when I wasn't around she drank even more, like she was forcing herself back on my account.
In the long run I am strong and will be ok. I do mourn the person in her that I knew that was not drunk, the person I fell for, that was the person I loved. It will be hard to lose her. I will not miss her drunk, out of control, blackout side at all. I do wonder how long it will take to show to her new guy and how he will react. The hard part is like you said, the wondering if she is 100% happy with him and maybe not sober (or maybe?) or at least nice when she drinks, etc. That I was her reason for becoming that way. At least I know she has always drank quite a lot regularly and had drug problems before me as well. So I know it did not start with me. It likely will not end with me.
I wish that I could have been the one to complete her life, or at least inspire her enough to want to get healthy and get help. I tried but there wasn't anything I can do and ultimately it pushed her to someone else.
Thanks so much for your posts. I am starting to learn a lot about the disease and the problems just through posts here and the responses here.
tpen: My heart goes out to you. I know how you are feeling. Take comfort in knowing you did the right thing to let her go if you did not trust her. I was forced to do the same even though she wanted to deny an affair. It is still hard as I just want to "turn back time" to go to before there was another guy, before things got to the point they got. Then again, when you involve alcohol, that can never go away. Be happy that your ex admitted she was an alcoholic at one point, mine never did, may never. Said it was normal and she wasn't causing any problems. To her, the only time it was a problem was when she got SO drunk she lost herself. She didn't realize that even if she was just drinking a few beers to "get a buzz" as she said (which turned out to be, basically, drunk, and I could tell when she was very easily), that was ok to her. Unless it was destructive to someone, she didn't feel there was ANYTHING wrong with it, even if she did it every day.
dgillz: It's very recent so I am just trying to cope right now. It's hard dealing with the sudden loss as I'm realizing I was a bit of a co-dependent on it for whatever reason. It wasn't like we even did a lot together towards the end of the relationship except fight, but it was something about just having here there, someone in bed with me, someone to talk to, that I needed. I may be a co-dependent person overall.
Captainzing2000: It's odd because I love her and want to see her better, but for some reason don't want to see her new relationship do well because it justifies her cheating on me and I hate that. If this guy is like me he may just put up with it as well is the problem. And the sad thing is that despite the alcohol issues which were not daily, just frequent, I still loved her. It was definitely to the point where, most times I took her a place there was alcohol (party, social events) I did worry how much she would drink. I am happy to be free of that anyway.
TakingCharge: Sounds like you really get it. She didn't do a whole bottle of a wine often on her own, but it did happen. I know there are much worse drinkers here who hit the hard stuff and all so I was worried that I was being too hard on her. The bottom line was that it felt like more nights than not, she was at least slightly and often more drunk and I was tired of living with someone who wasn't sober.
It was rare she woke up intoxicated or drank in the morning (never really) so I guess you have seen even worse. Still, it was not fun spending most nights with someone who always had a beer in her hand either. And like I said, when I wasn't around she drank even more, like she was forcing herself back on my account.
In the long run I am strong and will be ok. I do mourn the person in her that I knew that was not drunk, the person I fell for, that was the person I loved. It will be hard to lose her. I will not miss her drunk, out of control, blackout side at all. I do wonder how long it will take to show to her new guy and how he will react. The hard part is like you said, the wondering if she is 100% happy with him and maybe not sober (or maybe?) or at least nice when she drinks, etc. That I was her reason for becoming that way. At least I know she has always drank quite a lot regularly and had drug problems before me as well. So I know it did not start with me. It likely will not end with me.
I wish that I could have been the one to complete her life, or at least inspire her enough to want to get healthy and get help. I tried but there wasn't anything I can do and ultimately it pushed her to someone else.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
DMKK
We can't say 100% as only she can say. BUT, that being said her behavior is classic. Keeping this post real short. You did the right thing and ARE better off. It would most likely only get real bad from where you left off. Having feelings is normal and maybe you can turn that into compassion from the sidelines as she goes thru the very crappy road it sounds like she is going down.
Normal people can take it or leave it! So maybe that helps answer your question....
AG
We can't say 100% as only she can say. BUT, that being said her behavior is classic. Keeping this post real short. You did the right thing and ARE better off. It would most likely only get real bad from where you left off. Having feelings is normal and maybe you can turn that into compassion from the sidelines as she goes thru the very crappy road it sounds like she is going down.
Normal people can take it or leave it! So maybe that helps answer your question....
AG
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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I just wonder if she will go through life being this way. She is what I believe can be defined as a functional drinker. She drinks frequently, but it doesn't affect her work. And in my case, didn't really even affect her relationship because I put up with it (and perhaps this new guy will as well).
Her health? Might affect that. But she is 28 so she probably has some time.
Her friends? They all seem to accept it. One told me she has "issues". Another told me she has an "addictive personality". But no one says anything to her because they are afraid. She attacks anyone verbally who tries to tell her she is drinking too much.
I once suggested she try AA or try stopping. She went to one meeting, and quit for a week or two, then started back up, saying "I can manage it".
Another time, I asked her, how about you at least promise to take heed if I think you have had a little too much to drink and slow down or stop if I ask? She didn't want to do that. I got very good at telling when the switch flipped in her head and the personality changed over the years. To the public, most of the time, it was into the "party girl" who was drunk but partying it up. Then when she was alone with me (the car ride home for example) even if I didn't say anything about her drinking, she would always become angry and belligerent. It also worried me because many times over the years she would drink and drive in that condition.
Her job? So far no job losses due to her drinking.
Her budget? She is an attractive girl so likely can get free drinks at bars or from her new boyfriend. I bought her plenty of them over the years for sure despite what it did to her. I am twice her size but she would drink at the same rate as me, always, often faster.
I once suggested she try and pace herself with the group, so she doesn't overdo it. He response: "I don't want to have to think about it that much."
I just don't know. She manages to get by a lot on her looks. She is very attractive and thin. Drinking loosens her up sexually. Guys like that to a point I guess (though as the relationship went on, to me anyway, I felt more distant to her when that happened, especially when she didn't remember the previous night).
All that said, I did in the end realize I couldn't make her stop...and I guess she realized that it was easier to find a new guy than to spend her life with the one judging or looking down on her for her drinking. I just wanted to help her. But she was too forced into making herself drink less on my account (it's easy to count beer bottles) and I guess she is enjoying her freedom.
Her health? Might affect that. But she is 28 so she probably has some time.
Her friends? They all seem to accept it. One told me she has "issues". Another told me she has an "addictive personality". But no one says anything to her because they are afraid. She attacks anyone verbally who tries to tell her she is drinking too much.
I once suggested she try AA or try stopping. She went to one meeting, and quit for a week or two, then started back up, saying "I can manage it".
Another time, I asked her, how about you at least promise to take heed if I think you have had a little too much to drink and slow down or stop if I ask? She didn't want to do that. I got very good at telling when the switch flipped in her head and the personality changed over the years. To the public, most of the time, it was into the "party girl" who was drunk but partying it up. Then when she was alone with me (the car ride home for example) even if I didn't say anything about her drinking, she would always become angry and belligerent. It also worried me because many times over the years she would drink and drive in that condition.
Her job? So far no job losses due to her drinking.
Her budget? She is an attractive girl so likely can get free drinks at bars or from her new boyfriend. I bought her plenty of them over the years for sure despite what it did to her. I am twice her size but she would drink at the same rate as me, always, often faster.
I once suggested she try and pace herself with the group, so she doesn't overdo it. He response: "I don't want to have to think about it that much."
I just don't know. She manages to get by a lot on her looks. She is very attractive and thin. Drinking loosens her up sexually. Guys like that to a point I guess (though as the relationship went on, to me anyway, I felt more distant to her when that happened, especially when she didn't remember the previous night).
All that said, I did in the end realize I couldn't make her stop...and I guess she realized that it was easier to find a new guy than to spend her life with the one judging or looking down on her for her drinking. I just wanted to help her. But she was too forced into making herself drink less on my account (it's easy to count beer bottles) and I guess she is enjoying her freedom.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
And in my case, didn't really even affect her relationship because I put up with it
YES it did affect her relationship with you, it was 4 years, however drunk she is at this moment that is still a loss, you are no longer in her life. So her drinking is starting to affect her personal relations. That is among the first things that are lost in early alcoholism..
It will be hard to lose her.
When I said this to my therapist she told me I didn't lose him but carried him with me... and that I missed him as a FRIEND not as a partner.
As a poster that goes by "anvilhead" says, you cannot get Jekyll only and No MR or Mrs Hyde... it comes in a package and if Mrs Hyde is a cheating heavy drinker at best, not much we can do about that.
Wow, your ex is very similar to mine... always a beer on his hand, and drinking every night. For me it was difficult to get it as we are young (well 28) and he also keeps his job somehow although he arrives late and still drunk sometimes.
Them having someone else right away without taking even a short breath is also common modus operandi. Alcoholism needs people around to help it survive. These are great links
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Dependency - Relationship
In my case its been 1.5 years since I last talked abt personal things with him. He said he planned to drink until the very last day of his life.
I couldn't believe he was indifferent when he saw me at work after the breakup, I was a mess, looked like a zombie and was in shock! I couldn't believe the denial. He also had someone else a couple of weeks afterwards. Even brought her to our office. Ouch..
Then I came here and realized there are alcoholics on their deathbed that DONT realize there is a problem. And that other alcoholics in US, Australia, UK, anywhere.. behave similarly, often ex said he was special and had a "lonely path to walk" (doesnt everybody?), if only he knew he has several clones
I hope you can read those links above!! they are my favorites.
The disease is chronic, meaning she will always have it. Always.
And progressive: it ALWAYS gets worse if its not controlled by programs such as AA.
Nothing you could have done or avoided to change her.... a drinker will drink and fill a premature grave.. sorry to be so harsh, but we can't help them in any way, yet they certainly can make us sink.
Hugs and support, it gets much better, they deserve compassion. I know drinking affects women in much worse ways than men. As for sex mixed with alcohol, ex was also more open and "passionate" when drunk, and looking back I feel like an idiot for ignoring the red flags. At this time I believe it is a lethal mix, inviting STDs, HIV, violence, etc. And yes I also bought Jack Daniels for my ex, DUH, and he usually drove drunk. Still drives drunk. No regard for their life or the life of loved ones. Or innocents.
But we CAN, and DO change for the better
life is supposed to be enjoyed, I don't see joy in any of that above... I'm glad Ididn't marry or had children, if this is painful I wouldn't imagine how its like with kids suffering as well.
My book is over !!
YES it did affect her relationship with you, it was 4 years, however drunk she is at this moment that is still a loss, you are no longer in her life. So her drinking is starting to affect her personal relations. That is among the first things that are lost in early alcoholism..
It will be hard to lose her.
When I said this to my therapist she told me I didn't lose him but carried him with me... and that I missed him as a FRIEND not as a partner.
As a poster that goes by "anvilhead" says, you cannot get Jekyll only and No MR or Mrs Hyde... it comes in a package and if Mrs Hyde is a cheating heavy drinker at best, not much we can do about that.
Wow, your ex is very similar to mine... always a beer on his hand, and drinking every night. For me it was difficult to get it as we are young (well 28) and he also keeps his job somehow although he arrives late and still drunk sometimes.
Them having someone else right away without taking even a short breath is also common modus operandi. Alcoholism needs people around to help it survive. These are great links
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Dependency - Relationship
In my case its been 1.5 years since I last talked abt personal things with him. He said he planned to drink until the very last day of his life.
I couldn't believe he was indifferent when he saw me at work after the breakup, I was a mess, looked like a zombie and was in shock! I couldn't believe the denial. He also had someone else a couple of weeks afterwards. Even brought her to our office. Ouch..
Then I came here and realized there are alcoholics on their deathbed that DONT realize there is a problem. And that other alcoholics in US, Australia, UK, anywhere.. behave similarly, often ex said he was special and had a "lonely path to walk" (doesnt everybody?), if only he knew he has several clones
I hope you can read those links above!! they are my favorites.
The disease is chronic, meaning she will always have it. Always.
And progressive: it ALWAYS gets worse if its not controlled by programs such as AA.
Nothing you could have done or avoided to change her.... a drinker will drink and fill a premature grave.. sorry to be so harsh, but we can't help them in any way, yet they certainly can make us sink.
Hugs and support, it gets much better, they deserve compassion. I know drinking affects women in much worse ways than men. As for sex mixed with alcohol, ex was also more open and "passionate" when drunk, and looking back I feel like an idiot for ignoring the red flags. At this time I believe it is a lethal mix, inviting STDs, HIV, violence, etc. And yes I also bought Jack Daniels for my ex, DUH, and he usually drove drunk. Still drives drunk. No regard for their life or the life of loved ones. Or innocents.
But we CAN, and DO change for the better
life is supposed to be enjoyed, I don't see joy in any of that above... I'm glad Ididn't marry or had children, if this is painful I wouldn't imagine how its like with kids suffering as well. My book is over !!
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
Welcome to the SR family
Glad you found us. As other members said - keep on reading and posting here.If you describe yourself as codependent (most of us enduring such dysfunction are) be good to yourself ,keep focussing on YOU. You (like most of us) wantd to rescue a person from herself and her problems - and what did you get for it ? So now is the time to make sure you gain knowledge to not get into such a relationship ever again.
I am sorry for your pain. The relationship with a person that loves to drink so much could have gotten more painful as the years go by. I married my "problem drinker/party animal/fun guy" and after 14 rehab attempts he is drinking himself to death. I am 46 and the effects on my 3 children and I are profound!
Stay strong and keep on coming back
Hugs
Glad you found us. As other members said - keep on reading and posting here.If you describe yourself as codependent (most of us enduring such dysfunction are) be good to yourself ,keep focussing on YOU. You (like most of us) wantd to rescue a person from herself and her problems - and what did you get for it ? So now is the time to make sure you gain knowledge to not get into such a relationship ever again.
I am sorry for your pain. The relationship with a person that loves to drink so much could have gotten more painful as the years go by. I married my "problem drinker/party animal/fun guy" and after 14 rehab attempts he is drinking himself to death. I am 46 and the effects on my 3 children and I are profound!
Stay strong and keep on coming back
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 25
freefalling: Thanks for the welcome. Of course it's probably preferable to not have to be looking for such a place but I am glad I found it. I think I must at least be a codependent as I was aware for quite a while that my ex had a drinking problem. Maybe not to the level that some others have seen, but all the same I think she has some level of alcoholism. Since I didn't leave her and just put up with it, and am still sitting here wishing she was back (even with the problems) I know that I must be this way.
I definitely just wanted her to be happy and well adjusted and in a stable relationship with me. To think it could have worsened over time is scary though to say the least. She was not even showing any signs of thinking her drinking was a problem, after a major incident such as a blackout or getting very sick or an angry outburst in front of myself or others, she would do her small apologies and then seem to spend a few days drinking nothing, and soon was right back into routines again.
I am sorry for your pain as well, sounds like it has deeply affected your life as well and you have my sincere sympathies, so awful to see the ones we love do this and hurt us.
I fear that my ex will likely just start a new cycle with her new guy, and her friends will forgive her again, and she will be able to enjoy herself for a while until it spirals out of control once again. Then again I also sometimes fear that he will be the one she gets clean with, which in a way would make me happy for her, but also sad for me since it couldn't have been me. Weird way to feel.
TakingCharge: Thanks so much for the links. Very insightful stuff. It is sad to see the similarities. So true that they seem to need another in their life to enable it to continue. My ex seemed to be coming off a string of failed relationships when she was onto me, and now I wonder if the alcohol or drugs she did had a role in the end to them. In my case I was so enabling/forgiving that she had to do something drastic (cheat) to sabotage it and escape. it.
I am trying hard to detach but no contact must come first now than she is my ex. I am hoping all her things are out of the house by the end of this week and that further contact can be avoided. It would hurt too much to know about her new relationship, see her with someone else, see photos of her with someone else, etc.
Also interesting to hear about the denial. This makes sense though when I think that she needs to at least like herself a little bit to be happy. A new relationship can help distract that. If she thinks of herself as an alcoholic and a cheat it will destroy her so she has to deny it. Plus the alcohol helps dull pain and emotions from what I know.
I certainly see a lot of similarities there. It's a shame they can't "wake up" and see us for a loving, caring partner who is just trying to help them be healthy and live a longer, happier life, and not an enemy but that is the disease I guess. I know in time I will be happy to be free of the burden, having it so fresh in my mind right now has just made it difficult on me.
I'll hang in there, hope you will too.
I definitely just wanted her to be happy and well adjusted and in a stable relationship with me. To think it could have worsened over time is scary though to say the least. She was not even showing any signs of thinking her drinking was a problem, after a major incident such as a blackout or getting very sick or an angry outburst in front of myself or others, she would do her small apologies and then seem to spend a few days drinking nothing, and soon was right back into routines again.
I am sorry for your pain as well, sounds like it has deeply affected your life as well and you have my sincere sympathies, so awful to see the ones we love do this and hurt us.
I fear that my ex will likely just start a new cycle with her new guy, and her friends will forgive her again, and she will be able to enjoy herself for a while until it spirals out of control once again. Then again I also sometimes fear that he will be the one she gets clean with, which in a way would make me happy for her, but also sad for me since it couldn't have been me. Weird way to feel.
TakingCharge: Thanks so much for the links. Very insightful stuff. It is sad to see the similarities. So true that they seem to need another in their life to enable it to continue. My ex seemed to be coming off a string of failed relationships when she was onto me, and now I wonder if the alcohol or drugs she did had a role in the end to them. In my case I was so enabling/forgiving that she had to do something drastic (cheat) to sabotage it and escape. it.
I am trying hard to detach but no contact must come first now than she is my ex. I am hoping all her things are out of the house by the end of this week and that further contact can be avoided. It would hurt too much to know about her new relationship, see her with someone else, see photos of her with someone else, etc.
Also interesting to hear about the denial. This makes sense though when I think that she needs to at least like herself a little bit to be happy. A new relationship can help distract that. If she thinks of herself as an alcoholic and a cheat it will destroy her so she has to deny it. Plus the alcohol helps dull pain and emotions from what I know.
I certainly see a lot of similarities there. It's a shame they can't "wake up" and see us for a loving, caring partner who is just trying to help them be healthy and live a longer, happier life, and not an enemy but that is the disease I guess. I know in time I will be happy to be free of the burden, having it so fresh in my mind right now has just made it difficult on me.
I'll hang in there, hope you will too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: London UK
Posts: 86
DMKK,
I am sorry for what you are going through.
I don't think your ex is in a good place, people who are in a good place don't break off engagements by cheating just before the wedding. I don't know whether she is an alcoholic, but I doubt the drinking is helping her. Nor is it helping her to jump into a new relationship in this way. My guess is she doesn't know what she wants in a relationship, but she is afraid of being alone. Under the circumstances, the odds that she is going to luck into a functional relationship with the new partner are fairly low.
I am sorry for what you are going through.
I don't think your ex is in a good place, people who are in a good place don't break off engagements by cheating just before the wedding. I don't know whether she is an alcoholic, but I doubt the drinking is helping her. Nor is it helping her to jump into a new relationship in this way. My guess is she doesn't know what she wants in a relationship, but she is afraid of being alone. Under the circumstances, the odds that she is going to luck into a functional relationship with the new partner are fairly low.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 25
Thanks hps. I don't think she is in a good place either. Leading up to the affair, she kept saying things like "There's no passion anymore" and I just remembered she also said, I think right around the time things got physical, something like "I don't like who I am anymore, or how I feel"...Which I think translated to the guilt over what she had done.
I can only assume when the guilt is that overwhelming and you can't drink it away you just run from it, at least that's what some personality types seem to do. So her "new life" is in her eyes a clean slate so she doesn't have to carry the guilt of what she did to me, at least right now.
I think once someone with an addictive personality does something like that, it's much easier to justify running than it is to justify facing it.
I can only assume when the guilt is that overwhelming and you can't drink it away you just run from it, at least that's what some personality types seem to do. So her "new life" is in her eyes a clean slate so she doesn't have to carry the guilt of what she did to me, at least right now.
I think once someone with an addictive personality does something like that, it's much easier to justify running than it is to justify facing it.
today4me
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
DMKK - we are both so much in the same situation. I hear statements like "you deserve better". I sense she has two personalities and she even told me I was a gift in her lift. A day later she was dating a man and making arrangements to have kids gone for the entire night.
Keep posting DMKK - you are helping me.
Keep posting DMKK - you are helping me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 25
tpen - I was reading your thread but all I can say is detachment is the best, you have to FORCE it on yourself though. There is nothing worse than checking up on them.
My ex was over yesterday to pack her car with more of her things, showed some sadness in the end but not much, tried to talk to me like a friend, I just kept distance, and in the end it WAS all very sad because she knows I am detaching and letting go. Taking them back with no changes fixes nothing. First, her drinking pattern has not and will not change, second she is still with the other guy I am sure. And third, she has not expressed remorse or regret or apologized. Even with all THREE of those I still probably could not even consider getting back with her. Your ego wants it but in reality it's even scarier than being alone.
Anyway I would suggest totally remove her from all your buddy lists and social networking.
Tomorrow, my ex is coming over to the house one last time with a truck, where she will load the rest of her things, at which point we are officially out of contact for good. It's very sad, I was sad yesterday and even cried AFTER she left (don't let them know they have a hold on you even if they do) and I hate to lose her because I still love her. But remember what she did to you, I did, and it made it easier to let go.
My ex was over yesterday to pack her car with more of her things, showed some sadness in the end but not much, tried to talk to me like a friend, I just kept distance, and in the end it WAS all very sad because she knows I am detaching and letting go. Taking them back with no changes fixes nothing. First, her drinking pattern has not and will not change, second she is still with the other guy I am sure. And third, she has not expressed remorse or regret or apologized. Even with all THREE of those I still probably could not even consider getting back with her. Your ego wants it but in reality it's even scarier than being alone.
Anyway I would suggest totally remove her from all your buddy lists and social networking.
Tomorrow, my ex is coming over to the house one last time with a truck, where she will load the rest of her things, at which point we are officially out of contact for good. It's very sad, I was sad yesterday and even cried AFTER she left (don't let them know they have a hold on you even if they do) and I hate to lose her because I still love her. But remember what she did to you, I did, and it made it easier to let go.
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