I need advice from RA's !
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 71
I need advice from RA's !
My 19 yr old AS is outta control again. His DOC is H. I am going to follow thru on my plan to ask him to leave tomorrow. Every day he is "going to" quit...and everyday I come home to him under the influence. My spouse is FINALLY on board with this. He does have a "friend" that stopped to talk to him this weekend...he has been in the teen challenge program for about 1 year....(court ordered for the friend) He did try to convince my son to go...
Any advicce??? I can't go day to day living with this anymore!
Any advicce??? I can't go day to day living with this anymore!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i think you already are about to take on a biggie - asking him to leave. just steel yourself for his objections, and don't allow him to engage you in a debate. he may get ugly (if he's not under the influence, esp. if he's in need of another dose), he may admit he needs the help and make another promise. you absolutely need to have your couple of statements, memorized, and say nothing more. do you know yet what you are going to say? does your spouse plan to be in attendance for this?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Okay, I'm an RA. If you have already told him that he would be asked to leave if he were to use again....he needs to get out. IMO, it doesn't matter what he promises now. If he wants to get help, well...let him get it. On his own. He's an adult, although a young one.
He's using a dangerous drug right under your nose. He needs to face some consequences.
Yes, as ((Coffee)) said, it's most likely going to get ugly. He may say he has nowhere to go, promise you he'll do whatever you want, etc. I wouldn't believe a WORD he says. Actions are the only thing that matter to me, when an addict is involved.
The most loving things my family ever told me was "We love you but we will not allow this in our house. When you SHOW US you are working at recovery, we will give our support. Until then, you've dug yourself into a hole, and you need to find your own way out".
Oh, and FWIW...I can assure you he has plent of "street smarts" if he's doing heroin. If he can get the dope, he CAN find a place to sleep, food to eat, etc. Of course, if he's like me, I chose to be homeless and go without food because all MY money went to dope. That's the path I had to follow to reach my bottom. Had anyone stepped in and fed/housed me...well, I might very well STILL be using, rather than having just celebrated 3 years clean.
Big hugs and prayers, sweetie. I know this is hard.
Amy
He's using a dangerous drug right under your nose. He needs to face some consequences.
Yes, as ((Coffee)) said, it's most likely going to get ugly. He may say he has nowhere to go, promise you he'll do whatever you want, etc. I wouldn't believe a WORD he says. Actions are the only thing that matter to me, when an addict is involved.
The most loving things my family ever told me was "We love you but we will not allow this in our house. When you SHOW US you are working at recovery, we will give our support. Until then, you've dug yourself into a hole, and you need to find your own way out".
Oh, and FWIW...I can assure you he has plent of "street smarts" if he's doing heroin. If he can get the dope, he CAN find a place to sleep, food to eat, etc. Of course, if he's like me, I chose to be homeless and go without food because all MY money went to dope. That's the path I had to follow to reach my bottom. Had anyone stepped in and fed/housed me...well, I might very well STILL be using, rather than having just celebrated 3 years clean.
Big hugs and prayers, sweetie. I know this is hard.
Amy
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Oh, and FWIW...I can assure you he has plent of "street smarts" if he's doing heroin. If he can get the dope, he CAN find a place to sleep, food to eat, etc. Of course, if he's like me, I chose to be homeless and go without food because all MY money went to dope. That's the path I had to follow to reach my bottom. Had anyone stepped in and fed/housed me...well, I might very well STILL be using, rather than having just celebrated 3 years clean.
When my kid was using, and SO stuck at "age 14" emotionally, I kept forgetting that anyone able to buy street drugs (her drug of choice is meth) is well able to negotiate the sofa surfing crowd and find a place to land. Which she did, when finally were able to say "no more". And that was when she was 17 or 18 years young. Tough to let a little girl out on the street, knowing how she will negotiate her way. But the truth is - she is already negotiating her way to get her drug. Housing is just another part of the deal.
What my kid always told me, is that getting a place to stay was NEVER a big deal to her. Her circle has this weird idea about property...whatever you can get away with... is yours! Clothes come and go, ipods, music, food, whatever. No one has anything of value, and those that do, often got it by illicit means, so it doesn't "feel" like it has any real value - only whatever value one can place on it to trade for dope.
That is the crux of living like an addict... things are not possessions, they are barter for more dope. Everything and everyone is about the dope. It rules not only your son, but everyone who he hangs with.
Alanon meetings helped me to get strong enough to set boundaries around my kid - and she ALWAYS made sure it got ugly. Yelling, breaking things, accusations. That was part of "her" way of trying to manipulate another night at the house, a ride to a dealer, whatever it was she needed and wanted.
At Alanon, they taught me to set teeny boundaries and work up to the big ones. Small steps work best. And that I would know when I was ready... probably just a little bit passed when I "shoulda" been ready.
Do what you can live with. That makes it easier to keep your word.
((hugs))
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