Little Brother Killed Himself (Warning: May be triggering)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 11
Little Brother Killed Himself (Warning: May be triggering)
Hey, board,
I only posted here a few times (few months ago), based upon the problems I've endured with my prescription pill-addicted mother. I received great feedback from you guys, and began the detachment process. I stopped answering the phone at my mom's every demand, stopped going home every weekend...well...this past Sunday, my 18-year-old brother, who still lived at home with my mother and father, shot himself in the head.
It was, of course, ruled a suicide, and a preliminary toxicology screen revealed a significant amount of Oxycontin in his system, which I was expecting. As I had previously discussed, my mother had shared her pills with him for about two years now, and would even have him buy her pills on the street since my dad lost his job and thus, our insurance.
Well, I thought our lives were in shambles before; everything with inconsequential compared to seeing my baby brother, my only sibling, carried out in a body bag, and having to try to clean up what was left.
I feel so responsible. I was detaching from my mother, but by default, I wasn't seeing him as often, either. My brother was a brilliant boy, so quick-witted and could tell you anything you wanted to know about music and film. I have never felt such pain. My father wants to die and blames himself for things that transpired that day, and my mother was out buying the same drugs that killed her own son the next day. We are going to lose the house and all our pets will be homeless. It's all over.
I am sorry for being so utterly lurid, but I am at a loss. Sure, neighbors and distant relatives have sent cards and food, but nothing else matters now. My brother was my best friend, and he will never age beyond 18. The world isn't fair. He didn't even leave me a note, which makes me think it was a spur-of-the-moment decision, but I'll never know.
I'm not even sure what I'm asking anyone to tell me...I just don't know what else to do. The task of waking up another morning is enough to break me.
Thanks for listening.
I only posted here a few times (few months ago), based upon the problems I've endured with my prescription pill-addicted mother. I received great feedback from you guys, and began the detachment process. I stopped answering the phone at my mom's every demand, stopped going home every weekend...well...this past Sunday, my 18-year-old brother, who still lived at home with my mother and father, shot himself in the head.
It was, of course, ruled a suicide, and a preliminary toxicology screen revealed a significant amount of Oxycontin in his system, which I was expecting. As I had previously discussed, my mother had shared her pills with him for about two years now, and would even have him buy her pills on the street since my dad lost his job and thus, our insurance.
Well, I thought our lives were in shambles before; everything with inconsequential compared to seeing my baby brother, my only sibling, carried out in a body bag, and having to try to clean up what was left.
I feel so responsible. I was detaching from my mother, but by default, I wasn't seeing him as often, either. My brother was a brilliant boy, so quick-witted and could tell you anything you wanted to know about music and film. I have never felt such pain. My father wants to die and blames himself for things that transpired that day, and my mother was out buying the same drugs that killed her own son the next day. We are going to lose the house and all our pets will be homeless. It's all over.
I am sorry for being so utterly lurid, but I am at a loss. Sure, neighbors and distant relatives have sent cards and food, but nothing else matters now. My brother was my best friend, and he will never age beyond 18. The world isn't fair. He didn't even leave me a note, which makes me think it was a spur-of-the-moment decision, but I'll never know.
I'm not even sure what I'm asking anyone to tell me...I just don't know what else to do. The task of waking up another morning is enough to break me.
Thanks for listening.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Oh my God.
Oh heartbeats ... how horrible.
I am so sorry.
There's no way I can tell you
that you're not responsible
in any way
that you're going to hear me right now.
I beg of you
to visit a therapist
and give yourself permission to let go.
Talk to someone you trust is vital in times like this.
You didn't do this, hon.
*prayers for peace of mind and a quiet heart*
Oh heartbeats ... how horrible.
I am so sorry.
There's no way I can tell you
that you're not responsible
in any way
that you're going to hear me right now.
I beg of you
to visit a therapist
and give yourself permission to let go.
Talk to someone you trust is vital in times like this.
You didn't do this, hon.
*prayers for peace of mind and a quiet heart*
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: on top of the hill
Posts: 197
Heartbeats,
I am so very, very sorry for your horrible loss. When someone on these boards looses a loved one, it affects all of us. I know someone will be along soon with the right words for you at this time. All I can try to tell you is we are here, and we hate what you are going through right now. Is there a close friend or maybe another relative that you can stay with so you are not alone? Please keep posting. Your family is in my prayers tonight.
Tomorrow is a new day (( heartbeats )) and never think you were in any way responsible for this tragedy. It was NOT your fault!! You are in my thoughts.
I am so very, very sorry for your horrible loss. When someone on these boards looses a loved one, it affects all of us. I know someone will be along soon with the right words for you at this time. All I can try to tell you is we are here, and we hate what you are going through right now. Is there a close friend or maybe another relative that you can stay with so you are not alone? Please keep posting. Your family is in my prayers tonight.
Tomorrow is a new day (( heartbeats )) and never think you were in any way responsible for this tragedy. It was NOT your fault!! You are in my thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
((((heartbeats))))
I am so very sorry this has happened. Please remember the three C's. You are not the cause of your family members' addictions and the consequences of them. You cannot control their behavior or the outcome of it. You cannot cure their addiction and bring them peace.
BUT
You can and should seek to find your own peace and find a healthy way to cope. Please do find a professional to speak to. There are many grief counsellors and networks available to you, even free services. I hope the support and love you find here at SR will bolster you enough to reach out to someone in person. This is a heavy burden to bear without help and your parents are just not healthy enough to be there for you.
Please.
For us.
Take care of you.
Alice
I am so very sorry this has happened. Please remember the three C's. You are not the cause of your family members' addictions and the consequences of them. You cannot control their behavior or the outcome of it. You cannot cure their addiction and bring them peace.
BUT
You can and should seek to find your own peace and find a healthy way to cope. Please do find a professional to speak to. There are many grief counsellors and networks available to you, even free services. I hope the support and love you find here at SR will bolster you enough to reach out to someone in person. This is a heavy burden to bear without help and your parents are just not healthy enough to be there for you.
Please.
For us.
Take care of you.
Alice
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I'm so sorry ((heartbeats))
I hope in time you can embrace the good memories.
Please take care of yourself. And feel free to talk here, if only just to have us listen.
Your family is in my thoughts and prayers
I hope in time you can embrace the good memories.
Please take care of yourself. And feel free to talk here, if only just to have us listen.
Your family is in my thoughts and prayers
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Heartbeats.... my heart breaks for you and your loss.... I cannot begin to comprehend your pain. Please know that this is not your fault and we are here for you.
There are and will be things and occurrences in our lives that we cannot explain or understand and maybe never will... I pray that God provides you with peace and comfort during this difficult time in your life.
There are and will be things and occurrences in our lives that we cannot explain or understand and maybe never will... I pray that God provides you with peace and comfort during this difficult time in your life.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm so terribly sorry - I wish I had some words of comfort that could ease some of your pain.
My prayers are with you and I hope you can post and let out some thoughts; reach out to any face to face support you can and know that we care. My heartfelt sympathy for your devastating loss.
My prayers are with you and I hope you can post and let out some thoughts; reach out to any face to face support you can and know that we care. My heartfelt sympathy for your devastating loss.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Florida
Posts: 220
Know that you are not alone. Know that all of us have been terrified that we would be the one in your shoes. Know that your brother finally has found some peace.
Words are so impossibly inadequate at times like these. All we can offer you is the invisible net of love that SR people weave around each other. We are all waiting for you in the rocking chair with loving arms to hold you while we cry with you through your grief.
Sending prayers for healing for you and your parents.
Babs
Words are so impossibly inadequate at times like these. All we can offer you is the invisible net of love that SR people weave around each other. We are all waiting for you in the rocking chair with loving arms to hold you while we cry with you through your grief.
Sending prayers for healing for you and your parents.
Babs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
A very dear friend of mine committed suicide 5 years ago. I hadn't spoken to her in 4 days and knew she was in a bad place. When I finally did call, her husband answered and the police were just leaving.
It took me a few years to finally forgive myself and, oddly enough, it happened when I forgave others for all of their stuff. It took a hundred or so lifetimes to get to that point. It took accepting that I'm powerless and I wasn't ready until I was.
My husband's nephew was a meth addict and committed suicide 20 years ago. He blamed a lot of people in his note and my husband was one of them. He still hasn't forgiven himself and our RAD scares him terribly.
I wish I had something to say to help and I'm sorry I don't. I just wanted you to know I understand blaming yourself.
Your entire family and your pets are in my prayers. May your brother rest in peace.
It took me a few years to finally forgive myself and, oddly enough, it happened when I forgave others for all of their stuff. It took a hundred or so lifetimes to get to that point. It took accepting that I'm powerless and I wasn't ready until I was.
My husband's nephew was a meth addict and committed suicide 20 years ago. He blamed a lot of people in his note and my husband was one of them. He still hasn't forgiven himself and our RAD scares him terribly.
I wish I had something to say to help and I'm sorry I don't. I just wanted you to know I understand blaming yourself.
Your entire family and your pets are in my prayers. May your brother rest in peace.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Heartbeats, you go right ahead and write here whatever you need to. That is the whole reason why we are here.
That is just fine. You don't have to be sure of anything. We'll just listen and you can ramble all you want.
Here's a suggestion that has worked for me. Just look at this minute. Just this one minute. See if there is anything that absolutely has to be done this minute and cannot wait another minute. Do you have any animals to feed or water? Maybe you can do that. Have you had anything to eat all day? Maybe you can do that. Maybe you can take a shower. Something simple like that, just for one minute. And when you're done with that minute you can worry about the next one. But for now, just do it one minute at a time.
I dunno about your little brother, but I can tell you that I was once an 18yr old kid too. And I was pretty messed up. I was an alcoholic, and both my parents were drunks too. At 19 I was living in a trash dumpster along with all the other winos. There were a lot of people that loved me, the way you clearly loved your brother. None of that made any difference. I _liked_ the way I was living and was far too proud to ask for help. There could have been a million people that loved me and I would not have stopped.
I know there are no words in the world that can make the pain be any less for you. What we can say is that you are not alone, there are millions of people in al-anon all over the world that have felt your pain, and thousands upon thousands right here on SR. If you just get yourself thru this minute, we'll be here to listen to you and tell you how we got thru our own pain.
Even if you don't write again, just come back and read. We'll be here.
Mike
Originally Posted by heartbeats 
...I'm not even sure what I'm asking anyone to tell me...
Originally Posted by heartbeats
....I just don't know what else to do. ....
I dunno about your little brother, but I can tell you that I was once an 18yr old kid too. And I was pretty messed up. I was an alcoholic, and both my parents were drunks too. At 19 I was living in a trash dumpster along with all the other winos. There were a lot of people that loved me, the way you clearly loved your brother. None of that made any difference. I _liked_ the way I was living and was far too proud to ask for help. There could have been a million people that loved me and I would not have stopped.
I know there are no words in the world that can make the pain be any less for you. What we can say is that you are not alone, there are millions of people in al-anon all over the world that have felt your pain, and thousands upon thousands right here on SR. If you just get yourself thru this minute, we'll be here to listen to you and tell you how we got thru our own pain.
Even if you don't write again, just come back and read. We'll be here.
Mike
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My prayers go out for you and your family. How very sad and how very ruthless is the disease of addiction.
It's not your fault, addiction is bigger than a sister's love, it's bigger than any of us. If love could change things, not one of us would be here.
Please know that we are here for you, and that we care very much and understand your pain.
Hugs
It's not your fault, addiction is bigger than a sister's love, it's bigger than any of us. If love could change things, not one of us would be here.
Please know that we are here for you, and that we care very much and understand your pain.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I am so sorry, please listen to the wise words here and take care of yourself. You did not cause this hon. May your HP gently wrap you with his loving arms during this time. Your baby brother is with the angels now and is released from the pain and turmoil that he faced here on earth. The chains of addiction are no longer binding him.
I'm so sorry, please know that people care. Here and in real life.
I'm so sorry, please know that people care. Here and in real life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
I am so sorry for your loss.
I lost my brother to an overdose 5 years ago. The pain was excruciating. So many raw emotions at the beginning.
I could't imagine that it would become more bearable with time. But it did. And it will. Hang on to those good memories you have of your brother. Cherish those memories and know that he still loves you...he's still with you...The love and the happy memories didn't die with your brother. They're still there in your heart.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I lost my brother to an overdose 5 years ago. The pain was excruciating. So many raw emotions at the beginning.
I could't imagine that it would become more bearable with time. But it did. And it will. Hang on to those good memories you have of your brother. Cherish those memories and know that he still loves you...he's still with you...The love and the happy memories didn't die with your brother. They're still there in your heart.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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