Ingwer

Where to start..... I'm a noob so please bear with me... I am the wife of an alcoholic. I have been with him since I was 14, I am now 30. For awhile, I pacified the drinking, then I got angry, then I got scared, then I finally threw my hands in the air and said I give up. Then finally I grew up. Years have gone by with me asking him to stop, to get help, to calm down, to change. He hasn't. I finally broke down, and it may have been the wrong thing, but I had nothing else - I said drink again one sip and I leave. Enough is enough, the name calling, the fear, the babysitting, the hurt, the pain I cant do it anymore - I love you but I cant. Last night, he drank. He made it 10 days and two AA meetings. I dont know what to do. I am scared, I am alone. The jumble of words is confusing I am sure, but as I cry and type I am lost.

tigger11

Hi Ingwer - WELCOME! We're glad you're here!

This is where you find hope and healing together with many people who have been through and are going through what you are. There are some very wise and loving people here.

Take a look at the stickies on the top of the Family and Friends page, they have all kinds of great information.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with alcoholic husband (AH)'s drinking and the devastating effect it has on your lives! Be assured, you are not alone. We are here for you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. However, weekends are a little slow, so please be patient, there will be more hope and encouragement for you coming along in a while.

When I was in your situation... at the end of my rope, having had enough, being scared and lonely, lost and not knowing what to do, I found constructive ways of helping myself. I went to alanon meetings, became part of this forum, got counseling for myself, started exercising more and taking vitamins, went back to church... things like that. I found that when I concentrated on myself, I was much more capable of dealing with my AH. It also helped me to clearly make some tough decisions.

Stick around, Ingwer. There is a lot experience, strength and hope here, and we care very much about you!

Hugs! Tigger

Ingwer

Thank you that means a lot. I have looked up the Alanon meetings in my area, but there are none on weekends, and sadly weekends seem to be the worst here. But again THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. It's nice to have someone to talk to.

Hadassah

Hi, and welcome! I too, am married to an alcoholic. I have been married almost 20 years. We have 3 kids (all teens).
I know what you are going through. Its hard to live everyday with someone that chooses this kind of lifestyle.
We don't go anywhere together, have friends over, do anything at all because he wants to drink and I don't , and I don't want to be around it. He knows its off limits around me.
He has done what your AH did, promise to quit and then goes right back to it. I know when he says he will stop, it won't last. The most he goes is about 6 days. Then he is angry at me again, because its my fault that he drinks (NOT!).
Oh, and he loves to say that although he does not think that its my fault that he drinks, I don't give him any reason not to.
They don't even think like a normal person. You can't reason with them, all you can do, like it says above, is to take care of yourself. Live your own life, have your own friends, and don't let him hold you back from doing what is best for you.
You will come to the point where you will need to make a decision. Keep living like you are now, with an active Alcoholic (and it just gets worse from here), or take charge of your life and leave. You may not be one that believes in leaving your spouse, so then you just put up with the cr@#! But make a plan anyway, to make your life better.
I am going back to school so that I can support myself and my kids. I know the day is coming that I will have to. He won't be around if he doesn't change his life.
I hope I don't sound too harsh. The reality of it all is harsh. But I have gotten similar advice here, and it has helped me to be a stronger person.
Please keep coming back and reading the posts. It will help. Your not alone. There are alot of us out there. Take care,Gina

Ingwer

The knot in my stomach is huge. I dont want to go back on my words, that if you drink again I am gone. He is texting now saying he is re-committed to being sober (yes I have heard this before) I almost feel guilty for just wanting to leave..........

Carol Star

Glad you are here. My therapist suggested I tell my H (XAH)now, that he do 90 meetings in 90 days and be committed to recovery or I was gone. He didn't do it. I have been divorced 2 1/2 years and I am doing ok. It is sad. I was really getting sick from living with it. I was going crazy. My hair was falling out, I lost 25lbs., I had panic attacks, I was super depressed, I would grind my teeth when I slept which wasn't often. I went to Alanon. I went back to church. I found SR. SR said "let go or be dragged" .The darn disease is progressive. My XAH was verbally abusive. He was controlling. He would accuse me of being unfaithful which I would never do. I could see the progression of him actually losing his mind. I took him to several treatment centers he left after a few days, detoxes, saw himthrough losing his very good job, saw him through jail, drove him around since he lost his license. It wore me out to the point I was crazier than him. I saw a priest who helped me. He said the Bible says "do not be yoked to a drunkard." Divorce was like "surgery with a hacksaw" (someone in Alanon said). It took years for me to decide to decide. My therapist said my integrity got me out. Now I see I was in love with the potential of who he could be , not who he was. He was charming at first. I have no contact with him now which is easier. I am doing fine. I enjoy life again. Keep coming here. There is experience, strength, and hope....Glad you are here. You are not alone....we are all one.

barb dwyer

Hi and welcome to SR!

KerBearz

I just wanted to say welcome - you are not alone.

Learn2Live

Welcome

wanting

Welcome to SR! Hugs to you.

I hear you that you are sick of this. No advice, except that it seems like when people have had enough, they know it.

tigger11

Ingwer - Yes, you said that... but that doesn't mean you have to leave right now. It's hard to go back on something you said, but if you're not ready, you're not ready. When I left, I did not have a plan. So it's possible, but I wouldn't recommend it. If you are SAFE, and that's of utmost importance, and you can handle it emotionally, it's best to start changing things to make leaving easier. Make a plan; find a place to go, open a separate bank account and start putting funds into it, stuff like that. You must be an incredibly strong person to have made a life for yourself at such a young age, and I know you're capable of doing this, and doing it successfully. Meanwhile, it's a good idea to pack a bag of important things, just in case you have to leave in a hurry. There are lists out there of ways to prepare to leave, and what to do if you're in an abusive situation. Some, if not all, are in the stickies at the top of the Family and Friends page.

If you are NOT safe, that's a different story. The best thing to do is go to the domestic violence website and/or call their phone number.

Introduction - Domestic Violence

1-800-799-7233

Between this forum and the DV hotline, they likely saved my life.

You can get through this, Ingwer! Believe me, you CAN get through this! And, as always, we're here for you.

Hugs!
Tigger

1234

Hi Ingwer. I'm really sorry you're so miserable.

Have you been able to get any support for yourself yet?

I'm glad you're here.

1234

RollTide

Ingwer,
We all know exactly what you are going through. I recently divorced a man that I love very much because I simply could no longer stand the insanity of living with an alcoholic. I felt like I was on a train track and there was a train coming directly at me doing 90 m.p.h. I had a choice of getting off of the track or getting run over but me trying to stop the train was not going to happen. Nothing I did had any effect on his drinking.

I go to Alanon meetings and the support is WONDERFUL. I highly recommend that you find one.

You are in my prayers.

Jadmack25

When I looked at my near drunk AH, and my brain said, "I don't want to look at this anymore. I just can't keep doing this one more day." I knew it was the drink or me, recovery for him or I was gone.

I told him this, and he chose the drink. (also believe he never thought I would go)
Only 36 kours later I had moved out, into a unit and on my own...for the first time in my life....Terrifying, hurtful and numb braining time of black hole for me.

Have learnt so much since then, about myself and what I do NOT need.
I do NOT need to be a mum to, or mother anybody who is not my child or grandchild, and will NOT mother my RABF again, or any addict ever.

My sanity, health and vital needs come first, and have priority over everything and everyone else in my life.

God bless

barb dwyer

Ingwer -

i hope you'll continue to post here
and join in our other conversations as well.

I get the feeling you're so used to being alone
that we might well overwhelm you
but I promise if youstick it out
you're gonna learn something here.

I look forward to getting to know you better!

The first thing I felt
wehn reading your post was
that you've been in this relationship
half your life or better.

You don't need permission
to set your limit.
I am not sure you know that.

But half your life in a relationship
makes the 'outside world' a very big
very foreign place
when you're used to being
half of something else.

Take your time reading here.
Use the links and see where they go.

Again - welcome!

Ingwer

Thank you to all. Being welcomed so openly, so without limitations is overwhelming, but in a good way. Thanks to you for helping me make it through today. You all gave me strength to make a choice, right or wrong I did it. I told him that we were officially separated, that he could for the time being continue to live in the house, but the couch was now his new bed. That we would treat each other civilly or that I would force the issue of him finding an apartment (however for now I am trying to avoid that in order to keep confusion to a minimum for the kids as we both figure out this new phase) That I made no promises to him. That I was now going to work on me. Something I have never done, I was alway babysitting. I don't know how to be anything but a wife who babysits, I think I want to find a hobby lol anyone recommend anything, I thought of knitting but have a feeling someone may be coming to my house to untie the knots i created around myself and the recliner. THANK YOU ALL I HAVE EVEN FOUND HUMOR TODAY! And I am making my way around the links, a little confusing but hopefully I will figure it out quickly

Spiritual Seeker

Good for you ! You followed through !
Baby steps in the right direction are okay.

barb dwyer

Yes I know of a perfect hobby - recovery.

Find a group - or even START a group.
Let that take your time.
Read everything you can get your hands on.
Start a journal.

THis is one hobby that WILL pay off.

TakingCharge999

Wow.
Hi
Please take care of yourself...alcoholics don't like it when the grown up "rocks the boat".

10yrwasteland

I agree write a journal. It's interesting and informative to see what you have written from a long time ago. Plus, it could help to get some frustrations out. How old are the kids if you don't mind me asking.