Kind_Not_Weak

So, I've been with my Al-Anon sponsor for several months now and everything has been peachy keen with him... until now. Let me say first, that he's my second sponsor- first was many years ago, and also a man. I didn't consciously seek out men, I just clicked with them and it seemed right. My first sponsor and I really got a lot of good work done and it's a friendship I'll always cherish. I thought I was in the same sort of situation with #2... I appear to have been wrong.

He's been helping me through this time with my feelings about XRAB and my son. We've been having many talks about relationships, sex, trust... all of it. I've been very open and candid with him, and he with me. He's married to an alcoholic and is a recovering alcoholic himself. Today, when we were talking of my ex, with whom I am still struggling with the whole NC thing, he says... out of the blue... "He doesn't deserve you." I froze and just stared at him.

We sat there for a bit, and then he tells me that he can't be my sponsor anymore because he's developed romantic feelings for me and just says "I'm sorry." and walks out!!!

WTF???

I did NOT see this coming.

On one hand, I feel so betrayed. On the other hand, I am thankful that he owned up to it and cut me loose before we went any further.

What a mess.

Taking5

In a sponsor/sponsee relationship there will be a lot of sharing of intimate details of your life. This type of sharing can easily cause romantic feelings to develop.

This is why there is the unwritten rule that men work with men and women with women.

Spiritual Seeker

Absol. correct...we only choose sponsors who are the same gender.
Now you know why.
Good for him that he didn't get himself into trouble and broke it off, the only way he knew how...immediately

barb dwyer

yup.

find a woman.

it 'feels right ' ... because it's what we've always done.

if ever there was a time NOT to follow the 'feels right' thing .... it's now.

Kind_Not_Weak

I suppose the first time was just a rarity... for me it was no big deal. I have many close male friends that are strictly platonic. I can honestly say, it never occurred to me. Perhaps I was naive... no, I was.

I know he did the right thing. It was quite a shock, but now that I've had time to think it over... he did what he had to do.

Back to the drawing board...

barb dwyer

I see that as a HUGE teaching.
Nothing less than a Higher Power
saw you through THAT one.
You coulda gotten one of the truly SICK men in recovery
and man o man would that have been a mess.


I am always suspect of cross gender sponsoring.

bla bla bla one in ten hunner jillion works
and they all post here ...

whatever.

As codies -
we cling to men as stronger authorative yada yada....

in recovery we're changing.
committing - to change.
nothing changes if nothing changes.

so it's a way of doing it from the get-go.

Kind_Not_Weak

Barb, I was thinking about that one, too. About how I REALLY dodged a bullet... he could have been a creep, but wasn't. My guardian angel must be worn out with me! Talk about vulnerable... oh, man. It makes me shudder...

I never thought of it as being a man as an authority figure type of situation, but (again), you're right on the money.

Just when I think I know a few things, I realize I have soooo much left to learn.