Marlie

I have a co-worker who has spoken to me about what she thinks has become a drinking problem. She says that on Mondays, after her weekend drinking, that she has the shakes. I have worked wiht her for nearly 5 years and she is progressively becoming more and more angry and hostile. She sees insults and slights that aren't there. Yesterday, she got angry with me because I was unloading the dishwasher at work and insisted that there was a plate in the dishwasher that was still dirty. I have always liked her, considered her an office friend but her anger has become directed at me and it just isn't justified. She stormed into my office yesterday demanding why I had a problem with her and when I denied that there was anything wrong continued to yell and scream at me that there was a problem, she wanted to know what it was, and that I was not allowed to tell her that it was something wrong with her (I know this isn't logical). I told her that we could have a discussion with a boss present and she said no that we could talk about this like too adults. There wasn't anything adult-like in her behavior.

I had discussed my concerns about her increasingly hostile behavior with the office boss and feel so badly that I had to go to the boss about it yesterday. I don't know how to help her. The boss and I sat down with her and I told her that her increasing anger, constant complaints, etc. was affecting me and that I couldn't listen to it or be the focus of her anger. I told her that I had tried to distance myself and not be as available and that probably was what she had sensed. She insisted that I had done things to provoke her and I gently told her that she is seeing things in my behavior that aren't there. I told her that I felt so badly for her because she is so unhappy and she exploded and told me that she doesn't need my pity and walked out of the meeting.

I didn't want to discuss that I think her alchohol problem is affecting her behavior at work in front of the boss. I don't want to see her in trouble at work but as I told my boss I also don't want to be guilty by association. When she comes into my office to complain about everything wrong at the office, I don't want someone to overhear it and think that I am in agreement. I love my job, love the people, what I do, and am usually really happy. When she comes into my office an launched into another tirade about what terrible thing her boss or customer has done it is mentally draining.

She is miserable at work. She finds fault with everything, her boss, coworkers, customers, how I unload the dishwasher.... She has been passed over for raises because of her behavior, been chastised for slamming the phone down on her desk, talking rudely to people, etc.

I would love to be able to help her but how can I when I bring up the subject and she becomes so hostile.

I have read that alcholism can contribute to increased anger. Maybe this is what is wrong or maybe she is just an unhappy, lonely person. She says she has no friends, is frustrated that she is 34 and has no man in her life, is unhappy with her job and says that her life makes her drink. I have told her that if she is so unhappy she should find another job to which she reponds that she has looked and no one will hire her. When she asked if she had a drinking problem, I said that if you aske yourself that question then there very likely is a problem.

Anyway, I don't know of a solution but it makes me feel a bit better to bring this up on the forums.

coyote21

You just described one of my oldest friends behavior of 15 or so years ago. We worked in a service oriented business, where I was his boss. Actually met him when I took over as manager.

In retrospect perhaps it was drinking or drug use that was causing his similar behavior. I had to let him go, it was difficult because we'd become friends.

I ended up writing him a short note inside the cover of Louise Hays' book "You Can Heal Your Life" and presented it to him at the end of his "termination meeting" with me.

It took about a year for him to realize I'd done him (and all of us) a tremendous favor by cutting him loose. We're still friends today.

Good luck in what ever you decide to do. I know it's hard.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Marlie

I have often wondered if I have been actually helping my coworker's problem continue by being her sounding board and not being honest about the affect her behavior has had on me. In that respect, I have enabled the bad behavior by not telling her the truth. She is young and I am 20 years her senior and feel terribly that I have been unable to help her with her problem. What I have learned from these forums, however, is that she has to help herself.