Freude

I am in a close, emotionally very intimate and trusting relationship/friendship with an alcoholic. He just past his 90 days this past week, and then he dropped off the grid for about 24 hrs. I knew something was up - assumed he met another woman. When he finally called me late morning yesterday, he sounded like he just woke up, and though he was headed out of town for a family holiday, wanted to meet for lunch first. He confessed to me that the night before, he went on a bender. He was seriously hung over. This is not a man who can have 1 beer. When he starts drinking, he pushes it to oblivion as fast as he can. He told me he hadn't told anyone else, and I suggested he should call his sponsor as soon as possible. He said it just reminded him that he doesn't want to live that way. OK, so typical slip and HIS problem.

My problem is my reaction to it. First, how sick is it that I was relieved he was drinking, rather than out with another woman? Second, how sick am I that I was actually flattered he confided in me immediately after his slip. Now, I tried to call him twice while it was underway, and he deliberately didn't answer the phone, because he wanted to drink. And to further define my sickness, I was feeling guilty that he has been such a positive influence on my life (really - I mean that) and I felt like I let HIM down. AND...feeling guilty that I had absolutely no idea he was in the danger zone for about a week before he drank, as he told me. We spent a lot of time together during that week, and spoke every single day. We were together the day before, and had a wonderful spiritual evening together. He seemed content and upbeat. Shouldn't I have seen this coming?! Not that I could have stopped it, I guess.

So now I am trying to practice Live and Let Live, and wondering what this says about his mindset. While he told me he does not want to choose drinking, or feel like that again, he also said he's not beating himself up about this. It's almost like he does not consider this a big deal. I DO. I told him what makes him great is the trying, not the succeeding, and every day is a fresh start. He said this was a little slip, not a full relapse. I told him I didn't see too much distinction between the two. He also said he thinks he's doing well with the other steps, but I told him I kind of thought that was baloney if he hasn't truly accomplished the first one. I'm worried that he isn't more thrown by what happened and what that means for his recovery. His parents love me because they think I am such a good influence on him, and I even feel I let them down. Crazy, I know. It has nothing to do with me.

How have you guys handled these situations with your SO's?

Jadmack25

I may be a bit hard on this, but for me there is just relapse, whether it lasts 1 drink or a week of bingeing if my RABF is even holding a beer, he is in relapse mode.

The last time he had a drink, as usual it led to another 20 pots and home with a carton, and as I went immediate NC, he spent most of the night drinking his way thru those24 stubbies.

Next day was plea for help as he had trouble breathing, from asthma and chronic lung disease...I called ambulance and that was it.

I lost count how many "blips", (as he called those 1 to 3 days of drinking), he had as I stopped the count at 20,....in a few months.

I am determined not to be going thru the misery of those days ever again, and have told him if he wants to go there he can, but he will never have me in his life as of that first drink.

Relapse, fell off wagon, blip or whatever they call it....means one thing....sobriety time has been broken.

God bless

Freedom1990

The only 'slip' I know of is on a banana peel.

Relapse is relapse, period, and I don't mess with semantics. You either drink again, or you don't.

I can guarantee he didn't just up and decide to drink out of the blue.

I drank again after 4 years in the program, and I was drunk emotionally a good 90 days before I drank again.

Obviously he has reservations about being an alcoholic, and if he's not going to be honest with his sponsor and home group, those are huge red flags.

He never did fully accept step 1, in my humble opinion. You can't move past step 1 if you haven't grasped that one.

You'd be best advised to take care of yourself. Are you attending Alanon?

Freedom1990

And this is the crux of the whole thing. Wise words, my dear!

coffeedrinker

oh honey, you're in it bad. i say this with empathy, for i have experienced each and every things you described.

it's because you are SO connected to him (might i say that you don't clearly see where "you" ends and "he" begins?) that it hurts less to think of him in a love affair with a 12-pack rather than another woman. it's just quite a personal. when they come to us, heart in their hands, the intimacy that we so crave is created. part of the problem, however, is so is the roller coaster. you have to really WANT to get off that one before you truly take the steps to do so.

for me, it has taken one hell of a long time to learn what i have, to experience my addict the way i do today. i'm a long ways off, but SO much further than even six months ago.

so...it's possible! you have to really want it, though.

christine
p.s. you love beethoven too? i am working on "moonlight sonata" for the first time in my life, and the 7th symphony moves me like nothing else in the world.