Forgiveness
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Forgiveness
I woke up very early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep...I found myself thinking about my beloved dog, who passed away a year and a half ago. Toward the end of her life I wasn't able to have her living with me due to my separation from my husband and where I moved to be closer to a job, etc. (a choice I would have done differently nowadays), so she lived with him during that time. My pup and I had a really intense bond that I can't possibly explain, but it was profound. I missed her terribly during that time.
She developed a neurological condition and after all kinds of conventional and alternative approaches I had to make the decision to euthanize her because the vets and I couldn't get her pain under control. Before she died I talked to her, asked for her forgiveness for not being able to care for her in the ways she probably needed. I thanked her for being my dog and forever being a part of my heart. She listened to every word, licked a tear off of my cheek, and 3 days later passed away, forever taking a piece of my heart over the Rainbow Bridge.
As I was lying there in bed this morning, unable to sleep, it occurred to me that just as it was so important to me that my pup could communicate forgiving me for my actions that impacted her, I need to forgive my A. There's a part of me that hasn't wanted to do that, I think because there has been my perception of control in hanging onto the feelings. I didn't want to "gift" my A with forgiveness, I wanted to keep that away, perhaps as a sort of "punishment" for all the behaviors that hurt me. I found myself asking "what would happen if I actually forgave?" The answer that came was: I would forgive myself.
Wow.
If I forgave my A, and the circumstances of the relationship before this one, then I could forgive myself for having chosen these relationships that have been painful and disrespectful and angry and manipulative and emotionally abusive and...!! It almost doesn't matter what all the nitty-gritty details of those relationships were anymore. If I forgive myself then there's a gentleness around all of it. That doesn't mean I'm willing to put myself through that kind of crap again--in fact, with the forgiveness of myself I feel more respect for myself, too. I have no desire to ever, EVER put myself back in that place or in that type of relationship. This feels very different.
I'd love to hear your thoughts about forgiveness. It's feeling a whole lot like letting go, and serenity, and I've never had a clue about how to do this!
posie
She developed a neurological condition and after all kinds of conventional and alternative approaches I had to make the decision to euthanize her because the vets and I couldn't get her pain under control. Before she died I talked to her, asked for her forgiveness for not being able to care for her in the ways she probably needed. I thanked her for being my dog and forever being a part of my heart. She listened to every word, licked a tear off of my cheek, and 3 days later passed away, forever taking a piece of my heart over the Rainbow Bridge.
As I was lying there in bed this morning, unable to sleep, it occurred to me that just as it was so important to me that my pup could communicate forgiving me for my actions that impacted her, I need to forgive my A. There's a part of me that hasn't wanted to do that, I think because there has been my perception of control in hanging onto the feelings. I didn't want to "gift" my A with forgiveness, I wanted to keep that away, perhaps as a sort of "punishment" for all the behaviors that hurt me. I found myself asking "what would happen if I actually forgave?" The answer that came was: I would forgive myself.
Wow.
If I forgave my A, and the circumstances of the relationship before this one, then I could forgive myself for having chosen these relationships that have been painful and disrespectful and angry and manipulative and emotionally abusive and...!! It almost doesn't matter what all the nitty-gritty details of those relationships were anymore. If I forgive myself then there's a gentleness around all of it. That doesn't mean I'm willing to put myself through that kind of crap again--in fact, with the forgiveness of myself I feel more respect for myself, too. I have no desire to ever, EVER put myself back in that place or in that type of relationship. This feels very different.
I'd love to hear your thoughts about forgiveness. It's feeling a whole lot like letting go, and serenity, and I've never had a clue about how to do this!
posie
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. They are powerful, genuine and sincere. I think you are taking the right path on your recovery journey with forgiveness.
I am not able to spend as much time on this today as I wish, but I would like to share with you the language I used when I forgave my ex. I did not say this outloud to him. He and I were sitting in bed, I was reading and he was watching TV- I focused myself on the feeling of forgiving and I said inside myself: I forgive you _____ for not being what I wanted you to be. I forgive you and set you free.
It was liberating. I was able to release those "justified resentments".
The language I used to forgive my A (and I have used it with other relationships too) was something I learned in Louise Hay's book: "You Can Heal Your Life"
Peace and Hugs!
I am not able to spend as much time on this today as I wish, but I would like to share with you the language I used when I forgave my ex. I did not say this outloud to him. He and I were sitting in bed, I was reading and he was watching TV- I focused myself on the feeling of forgiving and I said inside myself: I forgive you _____ for not being what I wanted you to be. I forgive you and set you free.
It was liberating. I was able to release those "justified resentments".
The language I used to forgive my A (and I have used it with other relationships too) was something I learned in Louise Hay's book: "You Can Heal Your Life"
Peace and Hugs!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Thank you, Pelican. That's very validating to read. I've seen some of Louise Hay's quotes, and I think it's time I pick up her book...
I really look forward to hearing more about your experience with forgiving your ex when you have more time.
Hugs and gratitude,
posie
I really look forward to hearing more about your experience with forgiving your ex when you have more time.
Hugs and gratitude,
posie
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We have much to learn from our voiceless companions. They not only provide us with conditional love and loyalty beyond measure, but they serve to remind us that sometimes it's important to speak less and listen more.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Forgiveness is so powerful. I also felt righteous indignation for not forgiving people in my life that have done me wrong. All that does is poison YOU, and YOUR life. The person you have decided is unforgivable, probably isn't even thinking about you, or how they hurt you.
Our Heavenly Father forgives us for all our sins, if only we will ask him. There is salvation in forgiveness. You have given yourself the ultimate gift! How can we NOT forgive those that trespass against us, when our Father says we should? And he forgives US?
Bravo to you! You have set yourself free!
Our Heavenly Father forgives us for all our sins, if only we will ask him. There is salvation in forgiveness. You have given yourself the ultimate gift! How can we NOT forgive those that trespass against us, when our Father says we should? And he forgives US?
Bravo to you! You have set yourself free!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Thank you for your post. You said it so well.
I feel like I'm close to forgiving my xah. I want that, especially after reading your post!.
I'm somehow afraid of it though. I don't know exactly why. Like it will make it OK, like I'll lose some sort of invisible strength. I know that is not so but I can't shake that fear of spending to much time thinking about forgiving him.
I feel like I'm close to forgiving my xah. I want that, especially after reading your post!.
I'm somehow afraid of it though. I don't know exactly why. Like it will make it OK, like I'll lose some sort of invisible strength. I know that is not so but I can't shake that fear of spending to much time thinking about forgiving him.
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posie,
you are really jetting along. i would just say, please don't go to the "forgiveness" until you really feel ready. i think that we often want to rush things, to get on with life, to push away the bad feelings. you are very new to your separation and the realizations that you have had. i have found that time is one of my best friends when it comes to forgiving.
what you have said though, i think is right on the money. we do have to forgive ourselves - i think that's largely what the 8th and 9th steps are about.
i am a huge believer in the power of forgiveness. it is so cathartic. it is beautiful. it is freeing. in it, we relinquish to desire to continue to maintain a type of control over another person. we allow them to be human, and (perhaps also) realize that it wasn't us, personally that they were trying to hurt.
keep us posted on your process. peace...
you are really jetting along. i would just say, please don't go to the "forgiveness" until you really feel ready. i think that we often want to rush things, to get on with life, to push away the bad feelings. you are very new to your separation and the realizations that you have had. i have found that time is one of my best friends when it comes to forgiving.
what you have said though, i think is right on the money. we do have to forgive ourselves - i think that's largely what the 8th and 9th steps are about.
i am a huge believer in the power of forgiveness. it is so cathartic. it is beautiful. it is freeing. in it, we relinquish to desire to continue to maintain a type of control over another person. we allow them to be human, and (perhaps also) realize that it wasn't us, personally that they were trying to hurt.
keep us posted on your process. peace...
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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Posie you are so right, both about forgiving others and ourself as well.
Close to 30 years ago I hung on to anger towards someone whose actions turned our famly inside out and sent me in to a spin. It took quite a while, after I saw that the result was so much better than I ever thought possible, for me to forgive that person.
I also saw where I had played my part and had contributed to making the situation worse for us all, and I beat myself up for years about it. It caused me a lot of pain.
I later asked that person to forgive me for my angry and unkind words and behavior to him, and he did so, being very surprised as he said he had forgotten about it.
Speaking to my pastor, a much loved priest, I mentioned this, and he asked if I had truly forgiven the originator of our troubles to which I answered yes. He then asked did I think God had forgiven them also....I was startled but answered yes to that as well.
Then he asked if I had confessed my part in the trouble, and had I been forgiven by God, thru absolution by confessor, and of course said yes to that.
"So God has forgiven both of you, and you and the man have forgiven each other, but you can't forgive yourself ....you are harder on yourself than God is, because he already forgave you. Now it is time to let it go, be kind to you and forgive."
I was hanging on to my guilt, even tho I had confessed it and been forgiven, by both man and God, and it clouded my mind and was making me ill with migraines.
I did really and truly work at self forgiveness and finally told myself, "I forgive me".
I have had no migraine headaches in the years since.
Now I take a spiritual inventory each week, and if I need to ask forgiveness I do so, and then tell myself "I forgive me".
God bless
Close to 30 years ago I hung on to anger towards someone whose actions turned our famly inside out and sent me in to a spin. It took quite a while, after I saw that the result was so much better than I ever thought possible, for me to forgive that person.
I also saw where I had played my part and had contributed to making the situation worse for us all, and I beat myself up for years about it. It caused me a lot of pain.
I later asked that person to forgive me for my angry and unkind words and behavior to him, and he did so, being very surprised as he said he had forgotten about it.
Speaking to my pastor, a much loved priest, I mentioned this, and he asked if I had truly forgiven the originator of our troubles to which I answered yes. He then asked did I think God had forgiven them also....I was startled but answered yes to that as well.
Then he asked if I had confessed my part in the trouble, and had I been forgiven by God, thru absolution by confessor, and of course said yes to that.
"So God has forgiven both of you, and you and the man have forgiven each other, but you can't forgive yourself ....you are harder on yourself than God is, because he already forgave you. Now it is time to let it go, be kind to you and forgive."
I was hanging on to my guilt, even tho I had confessed it and been forgiven, by both man and God, and it clouded my mind and was making me ill with migraines.
I did really and truly work at self forgiveness and finally told myself, "I forgive me".
I have had no migraine headaches in the years since.
Now I take a spiritual inventory each week, and if I need to ask forgiveness I do so, and then tell myself "I forgive me".
God bless
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Thank you for all of the responses to this.
I've let this feeling of forgiveness "settle in" over the weekend. There are memories that have come up in my mind, from both of these relationships, that have been exceedingly painful. I haven't let go of them completely but I recognize that the pain I'm feeling is MY pain, MY experience, MY work to do. I somehow accepted those situations and the treatment I was given, however passively, when I accepted these relationships and the crap that came with them. There is no one to "blame", no one who is "wrong". There is just what has happened for ME, what the feelings are for ME, and what plan I want to make for MY life from here on out.
It's interesting, as I write those words I'm almost protective of myself and my experience in a different way. I want to own my feelings, even the hard ones, because they are MINE. I have a right to them and someone questioning the "correctness" of my feelings is going to have a hell of a fight on their hands now. They are my feelings, they are non-negotiable except for what I want to negotiate within myself. I'm open to the observations of those whom I choose to trust for input, but that is now a much more carefully-chosen group.
Forgiveness has brought me a lot of gifts this weekend and I'm so grateful. It feels like it's all coming together in it's own perfect time. I've grown a lot during this month of "taking a break" in this relationship, and as I approach the couples' session with my A in 2 days' time I feel I am ready and able to show up in that room with compassion and forgiveness for both of us, be who I am, feel what I feel and move ahead with my life. There will no doubt be tears, but as my sponsor says, tears are liquid prayers. I might be praying a whole lot.
Please send me good thoughts this week.
Gratefully,
posie
I've let this feeling of forgiveness "settle in" over the weekend. There are memories that have come up in my mind, from both of these relationships, that have been exceedingly painful. I haven't let go of them completely but I recognize that the pain I'm feeling is MY pain, MY experience, MY work to do. I somehow accepted those situations and the treatment I was given, however passively, when I accepted these relationships and the crap that came with them. There is no one to "blame", no one who is "wrong". There is just what has happened for ME, what the feelings are for ME, and what plan I want to make for MY life from here on out.
It's interesting, as I write those words I'm almost protective of myself and my experience in a different way. I want to own my feelings, even the hard ones, because they are MINE. I have a right to them and someone questioning the "correctness" of my feelings is going to have a hell of a fight on their hands now. They are my feelings, they are non-negotiable except for what I want to negotiate within myself. I'm open to the observations of those whom I choose to trust for input, but that is now a much more carefully-chosen group.
Forgiveness has brought me a lot of gifts this weekend and I'm so grateful. It feels like it's all coming together in it's own perfect time. I've grown a lot during this month of "taking a break" in this relationship, and as I approach the couples' session with my A in 2 days' time I feel I am ready and able to show up in that room with compassion and forgiveness for both of us, be who I am, feel what I feel and move ahead with my life. There will no doubt be tears, but as my sponsor says, tears are liquid prayers. I might be praying a whole lot.
Please send me good thoughts this week.
Gratefully,
posie
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
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As much as I wanted to share more with you on forgiveness (codie)
I also recognized that you were moving forward on your recovery journey and the healthy thing to do would be:
Be patient, more will be revealed!
Peace and hugs to you as you travel your journey. Your recovery is showing and it looks beautiful!
I also recognized that you were moving forward on your recovery journey and the healthy thing to do would be:
Be patient, more will be revealed!
Peace and hugs to you as you travel your journey. Your recovery is showing and it looks beautiful!
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Location: state of confusion
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When I was notified my AH had suddenly lost his life, I was in shock, not expecting his life to end so suddenly after so many years of pain and struggles. I suddenly was filled with a million emotions, memories and thoughts.
However, to my surprise, the one most powerful emotions that came through the strongest .... despite all the enormous pain and turmoil .... is that I wish I had a chance to let him know I forgave him. I had finally realized he had been consumed by an addiction so powerful and overwhelming ... an nightmare he was incapable of escaping from.
However, to my surprise, the one most powerful emotions that came through the strongest .... despite all the enormous pain and turmoil .... is that I wish I had a chance to let him know I forgave him. I had finally realized he had been consumed by an addiction so powerful and overwhelming ... an nightmare he was incapable of escaping from.
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Posie,
Your post brought back a flood of memories to the time (not too long ago) when I had the same epiphany.
Unlike you, who seemed to hold it together pretty well, I cried like a baby. There was a part of me that had waited so long for this:
I think I cried for an entire day.
And the next day, my life began anew. A powerful woman stepped out of the ratty cocoon I'd been living in for so many years - a woman I loved, trusted, and even feared (in a good way) because she suddenly seemed capable of so much.
Thank you a thousand times for sharing this experience with us. Personally, I was having a pretty bad day until reading it. Now, I remember who I am.
Your post brought back a flood of memories to the time (not too long ago) when I had the same epiphany.
Unlike you, who seemed to hold it together pretty well, I cried like a baby. There was a part of me that had waited so long for this:
I recognize that the pain I'm feeling is MY pain, MY experience, MY work to do. I somehow accepted those situations and the treatment I was given, however passively, when I accepted these relationships and the crap that came with them. There is no one to "blame", no one who is "wrong". There is just what has happened for ME, what the feelings are for ME, and what plan I want to make for MY life from here on out.
And the next day, my life began anew. A powerful woman stepped out of the ratty cocoon I'd been living in for so many years - a woman I loved, trusted, and even feared (in a good way) because she suddenly seemed capable of so much.
Thank you a thousand times for sharing this experience with us. Personally, I was having a pretty bad day until reading it. Now, I remember who I am.
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GL, now I'm the one crying...thank you for sharing your story with this, and for the support.
Pelican, thank you, I feel cheered on, and it lifts my spirits in the tougher moments.
And seeking wisdom, I believe that forgiveness can be communicated to your AH after death...there's a lot of compassion for him in your words...
I wish I could explain how this shift in myself feels, but I can't. I just know it's the only way out of the room I thought I had to live in and define with a sign that says, "MY LIFE". It turns out there's a door and forgiveness is the key. Just like that ratty cocoon that GL mentioned, I outgrew something all of the sudden and am very different now.
OMG, I think I'm actually beginning to like myself! So WHAT THE H*LL DO I DO NOW???!! LOL. It's definitely different.
Hugs,
posie
Pelican, thank you, I feel cheered on, and it lifts my spirits in the tougher moments.
And seeking wisdom, I believe that forgiveness can be communicated to your AH after death...there's a lot of compassion for him in your words...
I wish I could explain how this shift in myself feels, but I can't. I just know it's the only way out of the room I thought I had to live in and define with a sign that says, "MY LIFE". It turns out there's a door and forgiveness is the key. Just like that ratty cocoon that GL mentioned, I outgrew something all of the sudden and am very different now.
OMG, I think I'm actually beginning to like myself! So WHAT THE H*LL DO I DO NOW???!! LOL. It's definitely different.
Hugs,
posie
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Originally Posted by posiesperson 
I wish I could explain how this shift in myself feels, but I can't. I just know it's the only way out of the room I thought I had to live in and define with a sign that says, "MY LIFE". It turns out there's a door and forgiveness is the key. Just like that ratty cocoon that GL mentioned, I outgrew something all of the sudden and am very different now.
OMG, I think I'm actually beginning to like myself! So WHAT THE H*LL DO I DO NOW???!! LOL. It's definitely different.
Hugs,
posie
OMG, I think I'm actually beginning to like myself! So WHAT THE H*LL DO I DO NOW???!! LOL. It's definitely different.
Hugs,
posie
So happy for you!
L
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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I don't know if this makes any sense but for me, forgiveness was (and is) less about saying the words to someone, or granting some pardon in my heart. That just feels too self-righteous for me (not saying it should for anyone else, just sharing my own feelings about it). For me, forgiveness comes when I own my side of the street 100 thousand percent and let the other person own theirs 100 thousand percent . It is about seeking my OWN forgiveness from my own Higher Power and accepting that the other person's behavior, morality and forgiveness is between him and HIS OWN Higher Power. Seeing and accepting the other person's behavior as completely out of my own control allows me to do this. So, it makes sense to me, Posie, that you said this:
Honestly, I don't know how else to explain the way I see how these concepts are interrelated but, there you are. I hope this makes more sense to others than it does to me. All I know is it works for me and so I'll just keep on following the old adage, "Fake it till you make it." I would like to ask, though, Posie, a personal question out of my own curiosity, and that is do you have a Higher Power? It seems you come to this so easily when it took me until age 40+ to get to this. I am wondering if the difference may be because I did not have a HP until now?
Thank you God for this day and for this opportunity to participate in others' lives in a healthy way and thank you Posie for sharing what you are going through right now. I really needed to hear this message and review what is healthy behavior, because there is a major relationship in my life right now that I think requires "my forgiveness" as it were.
It's feeling a whole lot like letting go, and serenity, and I've never had a clue about how to do this!
Thank you God for this day and for this opportunity to participate in others' lives in a healthy way and thank you Posie for sharing what you are going through right now. I really needed to hear this message and review what is healthy behavior, because there is a major relationship in my life right now that I think requires "my forgiveness" as it were.
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Such powerful responses on this thread...
L2L, I'm almost 40 and it has taken me time to get to the concepts you're talking about, too. There have been so many contributing factors that led to me being in this latest relationship, and although this is the first time I've been in a relationship with an active A I have been in 2 other relationships: one with an ACOA, and then my exH's mother is the daughter of 2 alcoholics (as is my mother). This relationship involving active alcoholism presented me with the gift of clarity. It brought me "to my knees" as it were, and brought me to Alanon to address "the alcoholic in my life". How amazing to discover my own codependency!
I do have a Higher Power, found through my own seeking over the past 4 years in particular. I also believe that we have many teachers in life: people, animals, the clerk at the grocery store, the garbage man, the worm on the sidewalk, my A...each time we encounter someone or something in this vast Universe we have something to learn. I want to be open to that, and will be forever grateful for the teaching that each of the posters here have given and continue to provide.
I'm with you on owning my side of the street, leaving someone else's side of the street to them. I am coming to believe it's the only way to be open, honest, respectful, compassionate, forgiving, peaceful, free. And that is the very definition of true love, isn't it? If I can do that for myself, it will spread like the ripples in a pond.
Blessings and gratitude,
posie
L2L, I'm almost 40 and it has taken me time to get to the concepts you're talking about, too. There have been so many contributing factors that led to me being in this latest relationship, and although this is the first time I've been in a relationship with an active A I have been in 2 other relationships: one with an ACOA, and then my exH's mother is the daughter of 2 alcoholics (as is my mother). This relationship involving active alcoholism presented me with the gift of clarity. It brought me "to my knees" as it were, and brought me to Alanon to address "the alcoholic in my life". How amazing to discover my own codependency!
I do have a Higher Power, found through my own seeking over the past 4 years in particular. I also believe that we have many teachers in life: people, animals, the clerk at the grocery store, the garbage man, the worm on the sidewalk, my A...each time we encounter someone or something in this vast Universe we have something to learn. I want to be open to that, and will be forever grateful for the teaching that each of the posters here have given and continue to provide.
I'm with you on owning my side of the street, leaving someone else's side of the street to them. I am coming to believe it's the only way to be open, honest, respectful, compassionate, forgiving, peaceful, free. And that is the very definition of true love, isn't it? If I can do that for myself, it will spread like the ripples in a pond.
Blessings and gratitude,
posie
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