Confused...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 76
Confused...
So here is the thing. My husband is addicted to pills. And it's discouraging for me to always hear about couples divorcing over their spouse's addiction. I certainly don't blame them. This is definitely the hardest thing I've ever been through.
So what I'm asking is this- does anyone have any advice on how to make your marriage as happy as it can be in such circumstances? I don't believe in divorce. I married the exact man for me... but he's an addict. I'm not even willing to leave for one night. I'm not leaving him. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks. And he has had 3 relapses in the past year (that I know of).
I guess what I'm saying is...... is there anyone out there that understands my point of view? And dare I ask....... anyone out there with any success stories?
Christen
So what I'm asking is this- does anyone have any advice on how to make your marriage as happy as it can be in such circumstances? I don't believe in divorce. I married the exact man for me... but he's an addict. I'm not even willing to leave for one night. I'm not leaving him. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks. And he has had 3 relapses in the past year (that I know of).
I guess what I'm saying is...... is there anyone out there that understands my point of view? And dare I ask....... anyone out there with any success stories?
Christen
((Christen)) - welcome to SR!
This has been brought up before. The thing is, there aren't many people who come here to post of success stories because if things are going good, well most people seem to drop off. The majority of people here are here because their lives aren't going so good, the A (addict) in their live is causing some kind of turmoil in their life.
That's not to say some families don't stay together. I would strongly recommend you check out al-anon or nar-anon meetings for f2f support, as well as the support recommended here.
I'm a recovering addict, and I have loved ones who are addicts. The families who I know of that can deal with situations the best are where each person works on themself...you on you, him on him.
As both a recovering addict and a recovering codie (codependent) I can tell you that the only thing anyone else can ever do to help me is step out of the way and let me deal with my consequences. My family has, and my life is a lot better for it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
This has been brought up before. The thing is, there aren't many people who come here to post of success stories because if things are going good, well most people seem to drop off. The majority of people here are here because their lives aren't going so good, the A (addict) in their live is causing some kind of turmoil in their life.
That's not to say some families don't stay together. I would strongly recommend you check out al-anon or nar-anon meetings for f2f support, as well as the support recommended here.
I'm a recovering addict, and I have loved ones who are addicts. The families who I know of that can deal with situations the best are where each person works on themself...you on you, him on him.
As both a recovering addict and a recovering codie (codependent) I can tell you that the only thing anyone else can ever do to help me is step out of the way and let me deal with my consequences. My family has, and my life is a lot better for it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 131
I found this sight during the lowest point of my life. i was trying to find anything I could do to help the addict in my life. I to looked for stories of recovery so that i dould convince my self that it would all "go away" I just had to find out how to do it! Well, through al-anon and the wonderul people here i stopped desperately searching for ways to help the addict and to start helping ME. My daughter relapsed after 1 year, She knows what she needs to do but is not ready to accept that she has a problem ,so it is what it is
I found this sight during the lowest point of my life. i was trying to find anything I could do to help the addict in my life. I to looked for stories of recovery so that i dould convince my self that it would all "go away" I just had to find out how to do it! Well, through al-anon and the wonderul people here i stopped desperately searching for ways to help the addict and to start helping ME. My daughter relapsed after 1 year, She knows what she needs to do but is not ready to accept that she has a problem ,so it is what it is
You can't make your husband not use drugs. You can't make him use drugs. You can only control you. Once I got that, my life got better. I am with my husband who has not used drugs in over 3 years. I CHANGED ME, not him. I stopped taking care of everyone and started taking care of me. I told people when they hurt my feelings. I didn't do things I didn't want to do. I stopped trying to control my husband. I REALIZED I HAD MY OWN RECOVERY TO DEAL WITH. Take a look at you.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Jersey
Posts: 229
Hi.
My RAH (Recovering Addict Husband) has three years, 3 months, and three weeks clean and IN an ACTIVE recovery program.
Yes, I stayed with him. We are presently happy, healthy, our children are 14, 8 and almost 4 months old! We work at our problems separately... he goes to his meetings and I go to mine. The meetings helped more than I can ever imagine...they helped ME to deal with MY issues, put boundaries in place for ME (what I will or will not tolerate from him) and made me realize his actions and reactions are his to own.
His addiction started out with pills also... but this disease progresses... and he moved on to Heroin, crack when he couldnt get the heroin... you name it.
I stopped protecting him...making phone calls, asking other people to borrow money...
He lost his business, his brothers... we almost lost our home. I did what I had to do for me and our children, to save ourselves from his addiction.
Through no help from me, and some help through the courts from his decisions, he has turned it all around for himself and our family.
He has just re-started his business, we own two vehicles (they are not new, but they are good), expanded our family, and are beginning to expand on our home.
It by NO means has been an easy three years! It has been alot of work and struggles... we are still paying back for the mistakes he made... (those darn things keep popping up outta the woodwork!)
I just want to let you know that it CAN be done... They just have to WANT it and work at it.
My RAH (Recovering Addict Husband) has three years, 3 months, and three weeks clean and IN an ACTIVE recovery program.
Yes, I stayed with him. We are presently happy, healthy, our children are 14, 8 and almost 4 months old! We work at our problems separately... he goes to his meetings and I go to mine. The meetings helped more than I can ever imagine...they helped ME to deal with MY issues, put boundaries in place for ME (what I will or will not tolerate from him) and made me realize his actions and reactions are his to own.
His addiction started out with pills also... but this disease progresses... and he moved on to Heroin, crack when he couldnt get the heroin... you name it.
I stopped protecting him...making phone calls, asking other people to borrow money...
He lost his business, his brothers... we almost lost our home. I did what I had to do for me and our children, to save ourselves from his addiction.
Through no help from me, and some help through the courts from his decisions, he has turned it all around for himself and our family.
He has just re-started his business, we own two vehicles (they are not new, but they are good), expanded our family, and are beginning to expand on our home.
It by NO means has been an easy three years! It has been alot of work and struggles... we are still paying back for the mistakes he made... (those darn things keep popping up outta the woodwork!)
I just want to let you know that it CAN be done... They just have to WANT it and work at it.
Sorry no good news about staying together> getting a divorce after 22 years. I had to let go for my mental and physical health. Children need one sane parent. I could not stay sane with him. If you work a strong program of recovery maybe you can stay..... Just adding that I am a christian and do not believe in divorce, but I also dont believe in abuse and murder.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: atlanta
Posts: 90
I also would suggest you go to Nar-Anon, I have met others in Nar-Anon who choose to live with active addiction in their partners. I respect their decisions and support them if this is their choice. I couldnt do it..Maybe if he didnt lie about it, it might have been easier for me to live with it, but once the first lie starts, well it's all downhill from there.
Everyone here is offering better advice than I possibly could. It does come down to fixing YOU!
I just started reading "codependent no more", and if you haven't read it, I HIGHLY recommend you go out and get a copy for yourself!
You seem very dedicated to your marriage, so the best thing you can do is distract your attention away from him, and look deep inside. If not, you'll lose yourself in this mess.
Might I ask what led to his addiction? Are there alternatives; or did he start using for the simple fact he wants to get high?
I just started reading "codependent no more", and if you haven't read it, I HIGHLY recommend you go out and get a copy for yourself!
You seem very dedicated to your marriage, so the best thing you can do is distract your attention away from him, and look deep inside. If not, you'll lose yourself in this mess.
Might I ask what led to his addiction? Are there alternatives; or did he start using for the simple fact he wants to get high?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
I hear where your coming from. I am married to my AH for 26 years. He is on pain meds (dr.prescribed) and our lives became unbearable due to this. I tried for many years to help him as I too dont believe in divorce. BUT it took a toll on me. he stopped working, became verbally abusive (not like him at all) and
was always high. he was my best friend, we did everything together and told each other everything. I went through cancer treatments twice and he stood by my side every single day. I felt guilty that I couldnt no longer help him,but again it came to the point that I felt I was hurting him more by enabling him. I saw our finances going down, saw him going down hill and I too was going down hill. I tried everything to get him the help he needed in rehab. he has been gone out of the home now for 4 months. (he left because he didnt want me to go through this anymore) I was devastated in the beginning,but with the support here and reading posts and attending meetings, I learned to take care of myself. I miss him dearly but when I think of him on the drug I get goose bumps reliving the horror that happened in our lives. It took time for me to heal, that was hard,but I have come a long way. I still havent filed for divorce and either has he and I truly dont know when or if that will happen. but for now, I have to stand my ground and take care of ME. you will go through alot and will have to determine when and what to do, but I highly suggest you do read all the posts and try a meeting, something I didnt do for a very long time and wish I had.
was always high. he was my best friend, we did everything together and told each other everything. I went through cancer treatments twice and he stood by my side every single day. I felt guilty that I couldnt no longer help him,but again it came to the point that I felt I was hurting him more by enabling him. I saw our finances going down, saw him going down hill and I too was going down hill. I tried everything to get him the help he needed in rehab. he has been gone out of the home now for 4 months. (he left because he didnt want me to go through this anymore) I was devastated in the beginning,but with the support here and reading posts and attending meetings, I learned to take care of myself. I miss him dearly but when I think of him on the drug I get goose bumps reliving the horror that happened in our lives. It took time for me to heal, that was hard,but I have come a long way. I still havent filed for divorce and either has he and I truly dont know when or if that will happen. but for now, I have to stand my ground and take care of ME. you will go through alot and will have to determine when and what to do, but I highly suggest you do read all the posts and try a meeting, something I didnt do for a very long time and wish I had.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I couldn't live with someone in active addiction. As someone stated here recently, my integrity got the best of me. A relationship needs trust. I couldn't trust an active addict. I found that he was lying to me and manipulating me in regards to his addiction. He kept telling me he was going to quit using drugs over and over again, but he wasn't willing to stop. I knew this because he relapsed over and over and over.... (He wasn't and still isn't and may never be.) Actions speak much louder than words.
I wish you the best in your marriage! There are always miracles. I am one. But the miracle has to start within - for you AND for your husband. An addict quits using only for themselves and only when the consequences of using are worse than the pain of not using.
It has to be your choice. You are where you are because of the choices you have made. The beautiful thing is there is always hope for any of us - addicts and the ones who love them. There are no victims. Only willing participants.
I wish you the best in your marriage! There are always miracles. I am one. But the miracle has to start within - for you AND for your husband. An addict quits using only for themselves and only when the consequences of using are worse than the pain of not using.
It has to be your choice. You are where you are because of the choices you have made. The beautiful thing is there is always hope for any of us - addicts and the ones who love them. There are no victims. Only willing participants.
Christen, my aunt and recovering alcoholic uncle will celebrate 57 years of marriage next month. My uncle was an active alcoholic for close to half of those years.
My aunt did what anvil said; she made the best of her life through the worst of his. She raised their children, worked to support them, and she had a support system in place with her family and church. None of them focused on his disease outside of praying for him. They truly let go and let God.
What she didn't do was allow him to stay home when he was under the influence, infecting everyone with his disease. She had rock solid boundaries, as did her family, and my uncle didn't try to violate them. She didn't count on him to stay sober and she didn't depend on his support.
My aunt did what anvil said; she made the best of her life through the worst of his. She raised their children, worked to support them, and she had a support system in place with her family and church. None of them focused on his disease outside of praying for him. They truly let go and let God.
What she didn't do was allow him to stay home when he was under the influence, infecting everyone with his disease. She had rock solid boundaries, as did her family, and my uncle didn't try to violate them. She didn't count on him to stay sober and she didn't depend on his support.
i was married to 18 years to an alcoholic. although he got sober for a period of years, he never really embraced recovery.
it's not that i didn't believe in divorce, but i didn't believe in it for me, for myfamily.
i tried to utilize the power of acceptance. i made the best life for me that i could, made A LOT of friends, had a lot of social things, and other things, in my life. but, one day, i realized that as much as i didn't want to break up my family, i would create more stability, and be the role model that i wanted to be for my daughters, to NOT live with someone who was functioning on such a low level, if i did exactly that.
the acceptance thing worked for a time. but it didn't last, and i finally got to the point where i was pretty miserable. i thought of the two options, and did choose to divorce him. it was the best decision i ever made. but, that was for me.
i'd say, learn as much as you can, don't try and get in his face about it, get as healthy as you can, and give your children the tools that will help them face these things in their lives, cuz no matter what, they're facing them.
god willing, he will pull out and turn his life around. in the meantime, you're pretty powerless.
it's not that i didn't believe in divorce, but i didn't believe in it for me, for myfamily.
i tried to utilize the power of acceptance. i made the best life for me that i could, made A LOT of friends, had a lot of social things, and other things, in my life. but, one day, i realized that as much as i didn't want to break up my family, i would create more stability, and be the role model that i wanted to be for my daughters, to NOT live with someone who was functioning on such a low level, if i did exactly that.
the acceptance thing worked for a time. but it didn't last, and i finally got to the point where i was pretty miserable. i thought of the two options, and did choose to divorce him. it was the best decision i ever made. but, that was for me.
i'd say, learn as much as you can, don't try and get in his face about it, get as healthy as you can, and give your children the tools that will help them face these things in their lives, cuz no matter what, they're facing them.
god willing, he will pull out and turn his life around. in the meantime, you're pretty powerless.
Never say never, Christen. Allow yourself the dignity of being able to do what is right for you at any given time.
Saying you will never leave him will only serve to make you feel like a failure when and if it becomes necessary.
There are many success stories out there, and I sincerely hope yours is one.
Babs
Saying you will never leave him will only serve to make you feel like a failure when and if it becomes necessary.
There are many success stories out there, and I sincerely hope yours is one.
Babs
I dont believe in divorce without adultry. Its my bible based view. I am currently seperated from my husband. In the last 6 years of active addiction there were many times, days, weeks and even months that I was happy.
The key to this happiness was acceptance. I did not interfere with his choices and what he wanted to do, but I also stopped helping him pick himself up.
We have 3 children my decision to seperate occurred when I no longer felt safe and that I could be a sane parent and keep my children safe from the disease.
I hope someday we will live as a married couple again, but I never want to devalue myself or my children to do that
The key to this happiness was acceptance. I did not interfere with his choices and what he wanted to do, but I also stopped helping him pick himself up.
We have 3 children my decision to seperate occurred when I no longer felt safe and that I could be a sane parent and keep my children safe from the disease.
I hope someday we will live as a married couple again, but I never want to devalue myself or my children to do that
Someone asked me once...
If an addict has a roof over his head, hot meals, a warm body to share his time with AND his drug of choice.
Why would he EVER get clean and sober?
What I know from experience is that folks cannot generally get sober "for" someone else, they have to want it for themselves... and those reasons seem small, petty and flat out wierd (to me, anyway). My mom got sober cause she couldn't hold the first grandchild (despite screwing up her marriage and the relationship with her three CHILDREN), but that was her "bottom". My sister got sober cause she couldn't get a job (again, she was able to sacrifice a marriage and screw up her kid). Selfish, personal reasons are the ones that some addicts will give for getting clean.
I can't give my addicts those reasons - they have to figure it out for themselves. Addiction is far more than just taking pills or smoking something. It is more than mind and mood altering. It is a way of living, of being self-centered that is difficult to giveup.
I wish you the best (and I vote you find some meetings, too!)
If an addict has a roof over his head, hot meals, a warm body to share his time with AND his drug of choice.
Why would he EVER get clean and sober?
What I know from experience is that folks cannot generally get sober "for" someone else, they have to want it for themselves... and those reasons seem small, petty and flat out wierd (to me, anyway). My mom got sober cause she couldn't hold the first grandchild (despite screwing up her marriage and the relationship with her three CHILDREN), but that was her "bottom". My sister got sober cause she couldn't get a job (again, she was able to sacrifice a marriage and screw up her kid). Selfish, personal reasons are the ones that some addicts will give for getting clean.
I can't give my addicts those reasons - they have to figure it out for themselves. Addiction is far more than just taking pills or smoking something. It is more than mind and mood altering. It is a way of living, of being self-centered that is difficult to giveup.
I wish you the best (and I vote you find some meetings, too!)
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)