Why I am such a bitter shrew.

Old 04-01-2010, 09:49 AM
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Why I am such a bitter shrew.

To all of you new posters who are asking if you can have a happy life with your recovering-A boyfriend. And to those of you who desperately want your non-recovering ABF to get into recovery:

I seem so negative and mean and lecturing and overbearing because I know my own story (which continues to unfold) and I know the stories of the other ladies (and some men) on here.

If someone could have told me the things I am telling you, and I had listened, I could have done things differently.

I could have brought children into a stable marriage.
I would not have to blindly give up my kids to someone I know is actively drinking and probably drugging for days at a time.
I would not be spending Easter alone.
I would not be in financial despair.
I would not be fighting with my in-laws.
I would not be restricted by the courts to stay within my ex-spouse's home area, instead of moving closer to my own family.
I wouldn't be struggling with becoming a whole person at 40.
I wouldn't be caught in a world of alcoholic chaos.

My reality could have been so different.

And yours still can be.
Because what may be a minor annoyance (or even a problem for you to tackle!) now, will engulf your whole life once you are financially bound and once you conceive a child together. And all that takes is a birth control failure.

I hope that things get better for all of you. I hope that your ABF's straighten up, put you first and leave their drinking behind. I hope they all go to AA and never relapse. I hope they learn to appreciate how much you care for them and will stand by them on their recovery path. I hope that your love can make them see the light.

But that hasn't been my experience, and I am not optimistic for any of you based on the disease itself. You are not powerful enough or important enough to him to be successful in combating his disease.

And so I hope you can understand my harshness and my unwillingness to sugarcoat discussions about "love".

Thank you for your time.
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Old 04-01-2010, 10:05 AM
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Stella,
Thank you for your post. Alot of us DO feel that if we say the right things, do the right things, we can get them to change.

Here are just a few of the ones I have caught myself thinking or saying about my last relationship. I need to remind myself daily about how ridiculous I sounded:

My situation is different
He is my soul mate
He promised me he was sorry
He wants help from me
He needs help from me
He is strong and doesn't need a program
It's not his fault he lost his job
It's not his fault he rolled his SUV, it was raining that night
He's had some bad luck
It's not like he's hitting me or anything
It's not that bad, he only drinks beer
He can't live without me
I need to support him
everyone needs financial help once in a while
he's never lived with someone, thats why he acts like that
his heart is in the right place
he didn't actually hit me with the ironing board when he threw it, so it's okay
he has no friends because he works so much
he complains all the time and drinks so much because his job is so stressful
he calls me names in public because he's trying to be funny, because he's nervous
my girlfriends don't like him because they don't understand him
no one understands him like I do
I owe it to him to be there for him

Man i could go on, but you get my point

I am so grateful for people like you on here, that don't sugarcoat ANY of this. Newcomers like me need that "wake up sister!" We really don't know what we are in for until it is too late. Thank you for being honest about you experience, and revealing what really happens when we get sucked into that world.

There are many loving, wonderful people out there that don't have an addiction. How do I get my fishing pole in THAT pond? Maybe I just need to change my bait...
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Old 04-01-2010, 10:06 AM
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Originally Posted by stella27 View Post
Because what may be a minor annoyance (or even a problem for you to tackle!) now, will engulf your whole life once you are financially bound and once you conceive a child together.
Excellent post and truer words were never spoken then the above.

When I look back on the decisions I've made in regards to my xah the ones I regret the most are the ones that were made at the beginning of the chapters. The one's at the middle and end were often wrong, unfortunate, misguided, and may have resulted in greater pain, but the one's at the beginning of the chapters of my life were the ones I regret the most. Those were the ones that shaped the rest of the story - and gave birth to four children that had no choice. I started their chapters for them.
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Old 04-01-2010, 11:40 AM
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stella...you're not being harsh, you're being REAL. Sadly, I think I could have avoided a lot of what happened to me had I just been in contact with someone like you BEFORE I had DD with XAH. Until SR, I didn't even know whether or not XAH was an alcoholic or an abuser.

HOWEVER, let me just say this.
I found SR on October 1, 2009.
I posted a few times during that month and read much.
I told XAH it was over on October 8, 2009.
There were a few weeks of hell.
I left on October 31, 2009.

Obviously, I was ripe to leave that toxic relationship, but had it no been for the support I found here at SR, for the harsh but true words that were written to me, I don't think I would have left so swiftly and safely.

I'm not sorry I went through what I went through, because it has shaped who I am as a person, and without those experiences my beautiful DD wouldn't have been born. For those things, I am grateful.
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Old 04-01-2010, 11:47 AM
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Have you ever thought, that maybe being a codie is like being an addict and as we have to let the addict find his bottom so he can grow, we need to find an addict in order to help us grow
I believe all those things had to happen to you because at 40, it was time to grow.

Everyone has a path to take

Growth does hurt though.....ouch!
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Old 04-01-2010, 12:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach View Post
Have you ever thought, that maybe being a codie is like being an addict and as we have to let the addict find his bottom so he can grow, we need to find an addict in order to help us grow
I believe all those things had to happen to you because at 40, it was time to grow.

Everyone has a path to take

Growth does hurt though.....ouch!
I think that I did need to grow - but at 22, I was ill-prepared for what lay ahead. The glaring problems were there when we were engaged (I was 24), but I let romantic love and "Nobody understands him like I do" and "nobody loves me like he does" and misguided ideas about the sacrifices you are supposed to make for a loved one and wanting to be part of a couple...blind me to an ugly reality.

Yes, I am growing, and it hurts and it feels good alternatively, but I don't believe it is good for me to have so many of my choices stripped away because I got in too deeply with someone who couldn't grow up and deal with life.

I am accepting of it - this is my life now. But I don't think the fact that I am growing and maturing is helpful to my children who are young and defenseless as I send them off with someone who is not really fit to care for them. Whether I have hit bottom as a co-dependent and am growing is irrelevant to their safety and well-being.

And while I am glad to have my new, stronger to hold onto, so much pain and misery could have been avoided had I been smarter years ago.

And that is what I wish I could relay to my not-yet-bound-up-with-him (except emotionally) counterparts.
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Old 04-01-2010, 12:08 PM
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I know exactly how you feel Stella. My two children didn't deserve to be dragged along on my 'education.' It's hard not to have regrets about that. I think there should be a mandatory class in all high schools that teaches 'individual self-worth,' 'fairy tales are not real,' and 'love is not enough.'

L
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Old 04-01-2010, 12:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach View Post
Have you ever thought, that maybe being a codie is like being an addict and as we have to let the addict find his bottom so he can grow, we need to find an addict in order to help us grow
I believe all those things had to happen to you because at 40, it was time to grow.
This intrigues me! How do codies need an addict to help them grow? Can't we grow without the toxicity of being involved with the addict?
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Old 04-01-2010, 12:17 PM
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Thanks for this post, stella. Very helpful. I hope your heart allows forgiveness for you and all involved. Letting the past stay in the past is something I struggle with daily.

Also, I am not sure how old your kids are, but I read LTD gave them mobiles so they could call her anytime they wanted for her to pick them up.
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Old 04-01-2010, 12:23 PM
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Originally Posted by IamSaved View Post
This intrigues me! How do codies need an addict to help them grow? Can't we grow without the toxicity of being involved with the addict?
Not for me, seems like I've been codie all my life, but my two past long term relationships were not with addicts so was all good. Then when my last 2 were with addicts, it seems I discovered my issues and had forced growth.
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Old 04-01-2010, 12:24 PM
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I Am Saved, I believe Summerpeach meant that just as we are advised to let them go, and let them find their own answers when they are ready and change their obsessive/destructive patterns for real, alkies often "let us go" as we need to find our own answers and change our own obsessive/destructive patterns for real.

Not that we need them in the first place or keep needing their "help" ... I know there is probably easier and less painful ways to learn. But I went through numerous relations with "unavailable guys" and I have to accept the one with the alkie brought me to my knees to the point that I had to be honest with myself.. thus hitting bottom.


Sorry, I am Aquarius and tend to "mediate", lol.
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Old 04-01-2010, 12:29 PM
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
Thanks for this post, stella. Very helpful. I hope your heart allows forgiveness for you and all involved. Letting the past stay in the past is something I struggle with daily.

Also, I am not sure how old your kids are, but I read LTD gave them mobiles so they could call her anytime they wanted for her to pick them up.
I did give my 8 year old a cellphone so that he could call me if he needed anything. It makes me feel a little bit better.

And I do try to be gentle with myself. I just trigger sometimes and today is a hard day as I am giving them over to their dad after 10 weeks of not sharing custody. The doctors think he is okay to have them unsupervised, and I feel like I did the first time I had to turn them over to him. Scared, lonely, afraid, apprehensive, alone...and then I want to yell "run, you fool!" to every sweet new member here who thinks that if she can only convince him of her love and support, that he will be forever grateful and will put down the bottle.

I may need to step away from the computer and go for a walk.
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Old 04-01-2010, 12:35 PM
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Originally Posted by stella27 View Post
then I want to yell "run, you fool!" to every sweet new member here
Heh, that would make quite a welcome:

"Hi xyz, Welcome to SR. We're so glad you found us, but now that you're comfortable with us, let us just say RUN YOU FOOL!!!!"

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Old 04-01-2010, 12:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach View Post
Have you ever thought, that maybe being a codie is like being an addict and as we have to let the addict find his bottom so he can grow, we need to find an addict in order to help us grow
I believe all those things had to happen to you because at 40, it was time to grow.

Everyone has a path to take

Growth does hurt though.....ouch!
This intrigues me, too. It's almost like the chicken or the egg question.

Given the history of alcoholic husbands and codependent wives on both my mother's and father's side of the family, it was almost inevitable that I would marry an alcoholic. In fact, the only thing that doesn't fit the pattern is that I did end up growing from it. Up until now, they have all just stayed the same year after year until death. I broke the cycle.

I do believe everyone has a path. This is mine. Maybe I am the one to change the direction for future generations? I don't know. I sure hope so.

L
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Old 04-01-2010, 01:18 PM
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i was told last week that there was no way an alcoholic would get unsupervised access to his children until he could prove to the doctors he was no longer drinking, i am panicking please tell me this is true
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Old 04-01-2010, 01:29 PM
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Originally Posted by oln View Post
i was told last week that there was no way an alcoholic would get unsupervised access to his children until he could prove to the doctors he was no longer drinking, i am panicking please tell me this is true
Told by whom? Your attorney? If that is the case, then I wouldn't worry. The laws vary quite a bit from state to state here in the US, and even more throughout the world.

If someone else (not your attorney) told you this, then I would definitely check it out with an attorney.

L
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Old 04-01-2010, 01:35 PM
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Originally Posted by oln View Post
i was told last week that there was no way an alcoholic would get unsupervised access to his children until he could prove to the doctors he was no longer drinking, i am panicking please tell me this is true
First you would have to prove that someone is an alcoholic in Court.
I suppose this could be done by his or her admissions (things he or she said) or multiple witnesses speaking of his excessive drinking or multiple DWI convictions. Or maybe provide documentation of treatment for alcoholism. If he has doctors to testify that they believe him to be an alcoholic, that would be good evidence.

THEN you would have to prove that he/she is still drinking.
Again, by witnesses or admissions or documents.

Unless the other party wants to admit his or her alcoholism, you have a steep climb to make your case, and mine is not about to admit it. Plus, if my witnesses (his doctors) are going to say that he is okay to have the kids unsupervised, what evidence do *I* have to counteract that? the courts in my county will do what the psych doctors advise as they are the experts.
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Old 04-01-2010, 01:50 PM
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i live in england, he has been on antabuse for 9 years, i dont know whether he would admit to drinking now although he says he is no longer an alcoholic anyway. it was my solicitor who told me.
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Old 04-01-2010, 01:57 PM
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Originally Posted by oln View Post
i live in england, he has been on antabuse for 9 years, i dont know whether he would admit to drinking now although he says he is no longer an alcoholic anyway. it was my solicitor who told me.
Your solicitor would be more in touch than we would for sure. But I think taking antabuse would be pretty good evidence in either system.
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Old 04-01-2010, 05:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach View Post
Not for me, seems like I've been codie all my life, but my two past long term relationships were not with addicts so was all good. Then when my last 2 were with addicts, it seems I discovered my issues and had forced growth.
Ahh ok. I get it now! I was just confused! Thanks for clearing it up!
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