A-ha moment of clarity
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 55
A-ha moment of clarity
I went to my second counseling session Saturday and it might have been the most enlightening hour of my life. I’ve been processing it ever since and think other people might get something out of this, too… maybe I can save someone the copay!
I had been dreading it for a while, since the first session left me exhausted and raw for days. But I made myself go, got there early and sat in the car, giving myself a pep talk. By the time I walked in there, I probably looked like a person going in to battle… not exactly the right attitude to have in such matters, but whatever it took to get me through that damn door.
I sit down and start talking, getting it all out before I lose my nerve. I quickly realize I’m just rambling and stop talking. This woman, this tiny old lady starts smiling and begins talking herself. It might have been the most important speech of my life. I came home and wrote it all down while it was still fresh in my head, not wanting to forget a word of it.
“You know, you really are fine. I don’t think you realize your own power. I’ve only known you a brief time, and there are some very obvious things about you. You are a dominant and direct person, it’s clear from the moment you enter the room. You are very intelligent, it’s clear from the moment you open your mouth. So, why does such an intelligent woman give up her power to anyone, much less a bad friend? Why does a woman who will stand up to the devil himself, not tell her romantic partner that his words and actions hurt her? This is what you need to figure out. Yes, it’s OK to leave this dysfunctional relationship with your head held high and a clear conscience. You are not leaving him because he’s an alcoholic, you’re leaving him because he was a bad friend.”
It was such an A-HA! moment for me, and I am sure I won’t be alone in that. For someone like me, who NEVER GIVES UP, to realize sometimes it’s acceptable to leave when it’s unacceptable to stay… well, it was truly a life changing moment and I want to hold on to this feeling as long as I can.
I had been dreading it for a while, since the first session left me exhausted and raw for days. But I made myself go, got there early and sat in the car, giving myself a pep talk. By the time I walked in there, I probably looked like a person going in to battle… not exactly the right attitude to have in such matters, but whatever it took to get me through that damn door.
I sit down and start talking, getting it all out before I lose my nerve. I quickly realize I’m just rambling and stop talking. This woman, this tiny old lady starts smiling and begins talking herself. It might have been the most important speech of my life. I came home and wrote it all down while it was still fresh in my head, not wanting to forget a word of it.
“You know, you really are fine. I don’t think you realize your own power. I’ve only known you a brief time, and there are some very obvious things about you. You are a dominant and direct person, it’s clear from the moment you enter the room. You are very intelligent, it’s clear from the moment you open your mouth. So, why does such an intelligent woman give up her power to anyone, much less a bad friend? Why does a woman who will stand up to the devil himself, not tell her romantic partner that his words and actions hurt her? This is what you need to figure out. Yes, it’s OK to leave this dysfunctional relationship with your head held high and a clear conscience. You are not leaving him because he’s an alcoholic, you’re leaving him because he was a bad friend.”
It was such an A-HA! moment for me, and I am sure I won’t be alone in that. For someone like me, who NEVER GIVES UP, to realize sometimes it’s acceptable to leave when it’s unacceptable to stay… well, it was truly a life changing moment and I want to hold on to this feeling as long as I can.
Last edited by Kind_Not_Weak; 03-30-2010 at 09:08 PM. Reason: grammar correction!
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Location: Wizard Land Downunder
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You are right about those words being powerful, klm, and being of help to others.
It helps me to know that surrendering, giving up on some people, situations, ideas, hopes and even marriages, etc, is NOT always a loser thing to do, sometimes it is the only way to win.
I was raised to; never stop trying, keep on at the job, winners don't quit....and all the other sayings that mean the same thing.
I sometimes wonder if this "never say die" attitude isn't behind my continuing to battle on against the alcoholic chaos in my life, til I was almost out for the count. Refusing to give in, to quit fighting, sounds strong... but often I felt I was just going thru the motions, knowing I had no way of winning.
Perhaps being able to call out "enough" and walk away, with sanity intact is a victory over alcohol's ability to drive some A's partners and loved ones to total insanity.
Maybe knowing I am not a quitter or loser if I decide to get out of a place, situation or relationship that does not cut it for me, harms me or is not for my best, then instead of remaining in an unwinnable war and copping further hurt...I can disengage and feel good about doing so.
No more expending my thoughts or energy on trying to outplay the unplayable.
No more fear of what comes next, or when it may come.
No more waiting for the enemy to charge.
No more pain from wounds incurred from battle.
No more hearing the hurtful words, the mudslinging, the lies, the name calling.
No more losing myself, loathing myself, disbelieving myself.
To just say that "I am not going to keep this particular war going, I want out and I am now leaving this battlefield", and then doing exactly that....wow, what freedom.
God bless
It helps me to know that surrendering, giving up on some people, situations, ideas, hopes and even marriages, etc, is NOT always a loser thing to do, sometimes it is the only way to win.
I was raised to; never stop trying, keep on at the job, winners don't quit....and all the other sayings that mean the same thing.
I sometimes wonder if this "never say die" attitude isn't behind my continuing to battle on against the alcoholic chaos in my life, til I was almost out for the count. Refusing to give in, to quit fighting, sounds strong... but often I felt I was just going thru the motions, knowing I had no way of winning.
Perhaps being able to call out "enough" and walk away, with sanity intact is a victory over alcohol's ability to drive some A's partners and loved ones to total insanity.
Maybe knowing I am not a quitter or loser if I decide to get out of a place, situation or relationship that does not cut it for me, harms me or is not for my best, then instead of remaining in an unwinnable war and copping further hurt...I can disengage and feel good about doing so.
No more expending my thoughts or energy on trying to outplay the unplayable.
No more fear of what comes next, or when it may come.
No more waiting for the enemy to charge.
No more pain from wounds incurred from battle.
No more hearing the hurtful words, the mudslinging, the lies, the name calling.
No more losing myself, loathing myself, disbelieving myself.
To just say that "I am not going to keep this particular war going, I want out and I am now leaving this battlefield", and then doing exactly that....wow, what freedom.
God bless
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
Therapists can be powerful forces. The most powerful thing I heard (FOR ME) was that;
1.children learn to do the right thing(to be approprIate)
2.Children must play
3.Children must at times be rebellious
I was mostly nr. 1 . No alcoholic parents, no obvious craziness in the house. Just a very perceptive oldest child that mostly wanted to do the "right thing" not to rock the boat ever.
I learnt that I can play (live) and be rebellious(fighting for ME) and not always to do what is right for others.
1.children learn to do the right thing(to be approprIate)
2.Children must play
3.Children must at times be rebellious
I was mostly nr. 1 . No alcoholic parents, no obvious craziness in the house. Just a very perceptive oldest child that mostly wanted to do the "right thing" not to rock the boat ever.
I learnt that I can play (live) and be rebellious(fighting for ME) and not always to do what is right for others.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by klm 
“You know, you really are fine. I don’t think you realize your own power. I’ve only known you a brief time, and there are some very obvious things about you. You are a dominant and direct person, it’s clear from the moment you enter the room. You are very intelligent, it’s clear from the moment you open your mouth. So, why does such an intelligent woman give up her power to anyone, much less a bad friend?........ I want to hold on to this feeling as long as I can.
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
That was great! I didn't have much luck with therapists, but it's been a while. I always felt like I was just vomiting my stuff all over them, and left them dumbfounded (or bored). I never got a speech like that! Thank you for sharing it. :-)
- Kim
- Kim
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 55
When I think on it now, I realize it was all so obvious. I let so much go, even though it made me feel badly (physcially and emotionally) because I was afraid that, if I spoke up, he would get angry or defensive or... that he would leave me. It's so cliche. But now, I realize that I was clinging so obsessively to someone/something that made me feel bad about EVERYTHING and that's just nonsense!
Yes, I loved him. Yes, I still do. But it's been clear for quite some time now that we are not good for each other. Even knowing that, I still didn't let go when I should have.
What have I learned? That it's OK to love someone and still walk away. That's it's OK to take care of myself. That it's OK to be selfish and protective of my zen.
And yes, that was quite a speech from the therapist! I've been in and out of many therapist's offices over the years, some I clicked with, but most I didn't. But I never heard anything this direct and on point from any of them.
I'll never give away my power again.
Yes, I loved him. Yes, I still do. But it's been clear for quite some time now that we are not good for each other. Even knowing that, I still didn't let go when I should have.
What have I learned? That it's OK to love someone and still walk away. That's it's OK to take care of myself. That it's OK to be selfish and protective of my zen.
And yes, that was quite a speech from the therapist! I've been in and out of many therapist's offices over the years, some I clicked with, but most I didn't. But I never heard anything this direct and on point from any of them.
I'll never give away my power again.
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
I sometimes wondered why I gave away so much of my power... for what... 
And why did it take sooo long to finally get it.
But am so glad that I finally did & I have the rest of my life to celebrate.
And why did it take sooo long to finally get it. But am so glad that I finally did & I have the rest of my life to celebrate.
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