Plans for leaving-help?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 174
Plans for leaving-help?
OK- so those of you who had decided to plan your leave from your relationship, how did you deal with the spouse always asking for sex!? I am running out of excuses. He has come to the point tonight that he thinks I am cheating on him since I do not have a desire to do the deed.
He wonders why am I so angry still? He has been sober almost 2 months now, why can't I be happy? He says I am so happy and I have a new look on my life. I am just going to forget all my past and I will go to AA or whatever I need when I need it.
Will I loose my house if I am in school, previously I was a SAHM to our two little ones and don't have a job right now? My name is on the deed but it not on the loan. He thinks he has all the "POWER" since he has the money in our family and I don't work. He says he can remove my name off the deed if he wants to. I don't know the rules and if he can or cannot.
Holy man thankfully I have a meeting I can go to tmw between classes. I just hate the power trips, the "OH I didn't do anything wrong to you" You can just forget our past.
I had mentioned I feel smoothered with the billions of text he sends saying "I love you" just so that I will say it back...He asked everyday for sex...I also said, not sure if this was being codependentish, that if he wasn't going to be in recovery (he quit on his own 2 months ago when I refused to go buy his beer anymore-he refuses any programs or AA) that I was not goign to live with him. Well he expects me and the kids to leave the house since he works in town and has no license.
He really believes that our kids who are 2 and 3 are better off with both their parents, I said well not if one is an alcoholic who chooses to be a dry drunk and the other is so codependent it is unhealthy and not normal!
He thinks were fine. Were not as bad off as most people. We can make it through this..he thinks he can be dependent on me.He thinks this is a healthy way of life if we just have eachother, no friends...
I just want to be healthy, a healthy minded person who isn't so wrapped up in codependency!
I think I am just scared, not knowing what to expect and what will happen when we do separate.
Sorry, I just am frustrated and don't look forward to being around him EVER because I just feel so angry with him.
Lindsey
He wonders why am I so angry still? He has been sober almost 2 months now, why can't I be happy? He says I am so happy and I have a new look on my life. I am just going to forget all my past and I will go to AA or whatever I need when I need it.
Will I loose my house if I am in school, previously I was a SAHM to our two little ones and don't have a job right now? My name is on the deed but it not on the loan. He thinks he has all the "POWER" since he has the money in our family and I don't work. He says he can remove my name off the deed if he wants to. I don't know the rules and if he can or cannot.
Holy man thankfully I have a meeting I can go to tmw between classes. I just hate the power trips, the "OH I didn't do anything wrong to you" You can just forget our past.
I had mentioned I feel smoothered with the billions of text he sends saying "I love you" just so that I will say it back...He asked everyday for sex...I also said, not sure if this was being codependentish, that if he wasn't going to be in recovery (he quit on his own 2 months ago when I refused to go buy his beer anymore-he refuses any programs or AA) that I was not goign to live with him. Well he expects me and the kids to leave the house since he works in town and has no license.
He really believes that our kids who are 2 and 3 are better off with both their parents, I said well not if one is an alcoholic who chooses to be a dry drunk and the other is so codependent it is unhealthy and not normal!
He thinks were fine. Were not as bad off as most people. We can make it through this..he thinks he can be dependent on me.He thinks this is a healthy way of life if we just have eachother, no friends...
I just want to be healthy, a healthy minded person who isn't so wrapped up in codependency!
I think I am just scared, not knowing what to expect and what will happen when we do separate.
Sorry, I just am frustrated and don't look forward to being around him EVER because I just feel so angry with him.
Lindsey
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Oh ****{hug}}} I know that place you are in well, and it is a painful place to be.
Try to ignore his words. He is just yammering and yammering. It can be very emotionally manipulative and down right abusive, all their yammering. I wish I had more advice. Good advice will be coming soon I'm sure.
As far as the house each state is probably different but where I am both names go on the deed, regardless of who is on the loan, and you can not take someone's name off the deed just because you want to.
Try to ignore his words. He is just yammering and yammering. It can be very emotionally manipulative and down right abusive, all their yammering. I wish I had more advice. Good advice will be coming soon I'm sure.
As far as the house each state is probably different but where I am both names go on the deed, regardless of who is on the loan, and you can not take someone's name off the deed just because you want to.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by LS2 
I just want to be healthy, a healthy minded person who isn't so wrapped up in codependency!.............................
I think I am just scared, not knowing what to expect and what will happen when we do separate.
I think I am just scared, not knowing what to expect and what will happen when we do separate.
Stay strong and post frequently. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I think your sitch is complicated, with having money issues. I don't know how to address that; hopefully you are working on it.
His attitude is so typical. He's got it dialed, why can't you let go of the past, everything's fine now. Man.
If he believes this, he is not only in denial, he is not "working a program". If he is asking, or even hinting, for a sexual relationship with someone who is clearly not happy with her marriage, and not interested, there is a big piece of something wrong with his thinking. Is this type of lack of respect typical?
He's not getting it. On many levels, and on many issues. He's in denial, about who he is, the problems that have been created, and about his own sobriety. Don't worry, that's for him to figure out. Or not.
Keep moving forward, and try and minimize contact.
His attitude is so typical. He's got it dialed, why can't you let go of the past, everything's fine now. Man.
If he believes this, he is not only in denial, he is not "working a program". If he is asking, or even hinting, for a sexual relationship with someone who is clearly not happy with her marriage, and not interested, there is a big piece of something wrong with his thinking. Is this type of lack of respect typical?
He's not getting it. On many levels, and on many issues. He's in denial, about who he is, the problems that have been created, and about his own sobriety. Don't worry, that's for him to figure out. Or not.
Keep moving forward, and try and minimize contact.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by LS2
"OH I didn't do anything wrong to you" You can just forget our past.
Well he expects me and the kids to leave the house since he works in town and has no license.
Well he expects me and the kids to leave the house since he works in town and has no license.
A parent without a license to drive? The laws of our society have determined that he is not a responsible adult. His past is part of your everyday life. He can't run to the store for supplies, he can't take children to appointments or activities, etc...
For me, forgetting the past is not healthy. That would be denying it ever happened. My past did happen. It is part of my history. It is how I learned and grew into the person I am today. My mistakes are not forgotten, but forgiven. I can forgive my past and move forward with my life. I can forgive my A too, but I do not have to forget my experiences with my A.
For you:
What do you need to do to take care of yourself?
If you do not feel like being intimate at this time, then express your desire. This is your life = your choice. You deserve to be treated with respect.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
forgot this:
I know in my state, "it takes one to buy, and two to sell" real estate. I think that is universal. Meaning, if you are married, you own that house jointly. He CANNOT sell it without your signature, notarized, at the closing. The loan is a different matter. He has a loan, with a mortgage attached to it (collateral) that is the house you live in. He has every reason to continue to pay on that loan - a forclosure is a huge red mark. If he is crazy enough to default on the loan, you would still have time to live there until the foreclosure process ends.
I know in my state, "it takes one to buy, and two to sell" real estate. I think that is universal. Meaning, if you are married, you own that house jointly. He CANNOT sell it without your signature, notarized, at the closing. The loan is a different matter. He has a loan, with a mortgage attached to it (collateral) that is the house you live in. He has every reason to continue to pay on that loan - a forclosure is a huge red mark. If he is crazy enough to default on the loan, you would still have time to live there until the foreclosure process ends.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 174
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker
forgot this:
I know in my state, "it takes one to buy, and two to sell" real estate. I think that is universal. Meaning, if you are married, you own that house jointly. He CANNOT sell it without your signature, notarized, at the closing. The loan is a different matter. He has a loan, with a mortgage attached to it (collateral) that is the house you live in. He has every reason to continue to pay on that loan - a forclosure is a huge red mark. If he is crazy enough to default on the loan, you would still have time to live there until the foreclosure process ends.
I know in my state, "it takes one to buy, and two to sell" real estate. I think that is universal. Meaning, if you are married, you own that house jointly. He CANNOT sell it without your signature, notarized, at the closing. The loan is a different matter. He has a loan, with a mortgage attached to it (collateral) that is the house you live in. He has every reason to continue to pay on that loan - a forclosure is a huge red mark. If he is crazy enough to default on the loan, you would still have time to live there until the foreclosure process ends.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Yes, see a lawyer, even for one of those free consultations. It'll give you a better idea of where you stand.
Then start writing out your options, i.e.
Plan A: stay in the house and stay in school.
Plan B: stay in the house and find a job
Plan C: leave the house (find an apartment) and stay in school
Plan D: leave the house (find an apartment) and find a job
For each plan, write down *everything* you can think of that can be an issue: utilities, food money, transportation, insurance, school supplies, children's activities, potential babysitting, daycare, furniture, cost of moving, cost of legal consultations, ideal living situation vs. less than ideal living situation, rent, etc etc.
I often find that when my mind is buzzing and I can't seem to make sense of things, it helps a great deal to REMOVE myself from the emotions I'm struggling with and just look at the facts. Start brainstorming!
As for the demands for sex, it might be easier for you to refuse if you explain plain and simple why you don't want to anymore...if that's something that you consider too dangerous, then perhaps it would be best to think about options for leaving his presence.
Then start writing out your options, i.e.
Plan A: stay in the house and stay in school.
Plan B: stay in the house and find a job
Plan C: leave the house (find an apartment) and stay in school
Plan D: leave the house (find an apartment) and find a job
For each plan, write down *everything* you can think of that can be an issue: utilities, food money, transportation, insurance, school supplies, children's activities, potential babysitting, daycare, furniture, cost of moving, cost of legal consultations, ideal living situation vs. less than ideal living situation, rent, etc etc.
I often find that when my mind is buzzing and I can't seem to make sense of things, it helps a great deal to REMOVE myself from the emotions I'm struggling with and just look at the facts. Start brainstorming!
As for the demands for sex, it might be easier for you to refuse if you explain plain and simple why you don't want to anymore...if that's something that you consider too dangerous, then perhaps it would be best to think about options for leaving his presence.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by LS2
That is what I thought about the house, for the whole time we have had this house we ahve been using my social security money to pay for the loan. The only problem with our situation is that we down "own" the house yet, we have horrible credit and they let us do a contract for deed which is for 2 years until the house is technically ours. I also wanted to add that we are not married too.
I guess my advice to you would now be:
1. Take's NoDay's advice
2. See an attorney
3. Cut your losses on the house and get outta dodge. He is obviously unstable; my ex would NEVER have expected or even asked for (let alone demand or manipulate to get it) sex once I told him I wanted a divorce.
It is such bad form in many ways.
Figure out who you can live with and make that move as soon as humanly possible. The stress is sucking the life out of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 174
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker
Well, as I see it, without being legally married, if the house is in HIS name (who it's deeded to) then it's HIS house. You have been paying on a loan for something that you have HOPED you would one day receive.
.
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Ah, its so confusing-gr. :/
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