needsadvice

Hi everyone. I am very new to this, and am in desperate need of advice. My mother is a very steady, heavy drinker. I cannot remember a day in the last 10 years when she has not had at least 4-5 beers. She goes through a case like it's nothing every single weekend. Sometimes two. She drinks while she's driving, while she's riding in cars with people, and with her breakfast. The only time she doesn't have a beer in her hand is when she's at work. And she really believes that there is nothing wrong with her behavior, and that it's her body and she can do whatever she wants to with it. She only really gets "drunk" on the weekends, but is legally drunk most days. My brother and I have been living in denial for years and have finally realized just how bad its getting. She also has COPD and Emphysema and smokes 3-4 packs a day. I am watching my mom die. And it is killing me. My father is very level headed, but she is dragging him down with her.

She is very quick to anger and has no desire to change. Any advice any of you could give me to help approach her with the issue would be greatly appreciated. Our "intervention" will hopefully be this weekend. thank you in advance.

GingerM

Welcome to SR. I'm afraid I have no advice for you on interventions other than the usual caution that the alcoholic/addict tends not to change unless they hit bottom - and it doesn't sound like your mom has hit that yet. The other usual advice is to remember the 3C's - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

I support your attempts at an intervention, but urge you not to bet the house on its success. You and your dad may want to be making other plans in addition to this in the advent that it doesn't work.

Good luck to you and wishing you strength.

needsadvice

Thank you so much. I know she hasn't hit rock bottom yet, in a way I suppose I am trying to save her from that. But in the back of my mind, I know that's what it's going to take. If she ever gets a DUI, she will lose her job automatically. I know the only person that can save her is her. thanks again!

Livefree44

I have gone through this with my dad a few times and can understand what you are going through. Make sure you take care of yourself in all this first and foremost. I don't mean that in a selfish way but it is easy to put stress on yourself in terms of being the one who will make things right. Not our job as children of alcoholics. See how all this is affecting you and your life and focus on that because that is something you can change if it needs changing.
After my dad relapsed the last time my brothers and I pulled away and said we weren't going to be exposed to this dysfunction any longer. It was hard but it was the right decision. Dad did get help and attends AA but that is now his journey in recovery, I have my own. I pray things work out for you and your family but understand that a big part of the process is letting go if a person does not want to be helped.

tromboneliness

This is what makes it difficult -- although not impossible -- to do a successful intervention.

The thing is: we do not have the ability to save a person from the effects of his or her behavior. We do not have the ability to make a drinker give up booze or a druggie give up drugs.

The problem with this is that most of the people "out there" (by which I mean people who do not have a Program™) think that there is a way to make people give up booze and drugs -- and that if we don't, we're "giving up on them" or "abandoning our responsibility," etc.

Well, that is not the case. Believe me, if there were a way to make people get sober who did not want to get sober, we'd have it up there. It would be one of those "Stickies" at the top of the forum: "Read This First: How To Make Someone Get Sober." Anyone with an alcoholic friend or relative could just do the procedure, and everyone would be happy.

But that's not how it works. You can hire the best intervention counselor in the world, get all the person's friends/family together, make your best efforts to "love them into treatment," and whatever else you can dream up -- but the bottom line is: if they don't want to get sober, they won't.

This is basically where we're at with my Dad (90). And the problem is that I am -- as far as I know -- the only person in my entire extended family who has a program. Everyone else gets co-opted by my Dad, to the point where they see things his way and become, essentially, an extension of him. That's why I have to tune them out, just like I tune him out and just nod my head when he says something stupid.

Having said that, intervention can work -- my spouse is living proof of that. However, she said afterwards (a long time afterwards) that she wanted to get healthy -- it was just too scary to do on her own. If she had not wanted to get healthy, she'd have gone right on drinking, despite the intervention counselor, orchestrated meeting, etc.

T

GingerM

Well said! Hear hear! Ah, if only it were that easy!