Upset today - kind words needed

Old 03-30-2010, 06:23 AM
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Upset today - kind words needed

So, it’s all going wrong again with my ABF (as I knew it would at some point so at least I’m not surprised. I am feeling very angry and upset today. The last thing I posted about a couple of weeks ago was that he told me he wasn’t going to drink during the day anymore because he’d had enough of it and wanted a better life for himself and me. He probably held to that for a week at most and is now back to drinking during the day, swearing blind he isn’t and having a go at me for asking or just for anything really.

I let my boundary down last week and still said I wanted him to come round even though he was drunk and quite nasty to me on the phone. I wanted to get him away from the place he was in and stop drinking – I know it was a stupid thing to do. He bought a bottle after meeting me and took it into my house – I was upset but by that point I just told him to do whatever he wanted. He only drank a tiny bit in the end but I was annoyed at myself for not telling him to go home. I was trying to decide whether I wanted him to go away or stay with me and I wasn’t sure.

I’m so fed up with the drinking. I was doing really well getting on with my own things and not obsessing over him, but maybe that was because I thought he was doing well. Now I know he’s been drinking more than I thought, I can feel myself slipping again. There also seems to be one drama/problem after another with him – as soon as one thing is sorted, something else starts. This time it is an ex-girlf of his sending notes through his door. He hid it from me but I got it out of him today. Apparently she is going round there tonight because she wants to see him and talk – he is going to let her in and tell her to leave him alone. Sounds dodgy to me but I have to trust him. I thought she’d finally disappeared for good after he changed phone number in the first few months of our relationship just so she couldn’t keep calling and harassing him. It’s just one more problem and annoyance to add to our lives. I’m worried about it and he’s already drinking today so he’ll probably be drunk when she arrives.

And then there is the ongoing issue of his alcoholic mates he sees during the day. I told him in anger the other day to choose between them and me – he said he’d always choose me no matter what, but guess where he is right now? I regret saying he had to choose because I knew he wouldn’t stop seeing them, but I do want him to choose. That’s the main problem – I want him to choose me over alcohol and his alcoholic lifestyle, but I know he won’t. It’s not that he can’t because I think he could if he wanted it that badly. So now I’m stuck not knowing what to do. Nothing is getting better. There are glimpses of possibilities of him improving, like counselling starting and actually seeing the dr when he needs to, but the lying, drinking during the day and hanging around with those horrible people is not showing signs of ending.

I don’t know what I want anymore. I can’t understand my own feelings or thoughts. I think I want to be with him but I don’t want any of this stuff. I’m unhappy. Not just with this but generally, I’m unhappy more than I’m happy. I’ve even been wondering whether I might be suffering from depression – I’m going to visit the dr and get some advice I think. Oh it is all such a mess. I want everything and everyone to go away and leave me alone sometimes.

I don’t know how to deal with dating an A anymore. I don’t know if it is possible to deal with it. Any advice or even just a positive message would be so appreciated. I feel lost and alone right now. I don’t think a life where I get on with my own things in an effort to keep me away from dealing with my own BF is going to suit me. I truly believed he was going to beat alcoholism. It’s looking like I was wrong, but I can’t be sure, so that is why I stay. Please don’t be too hard on me, I’m on the brink of falling apart today.
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Old 03-30-2010, 06:45 AM
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Sweetie, you know what we will say. You will be done when you are done. Pinning all your hopes and dreams, all that you could be onto one active alcoholic man is hurting you so much. I just want to go over there and give you a hug! Go to your doctor and be assessed. Get some counselling for you.

Know that we all wanted our A's to choose us over alcohol. Its just not that simple. XAH just couldn't stop drinking and I, finally, couldn't accept him for who he is. I wanted something better for me - at that point anything would be! I'd like you to have something better too. Heck, I want everyone here to!
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Old 03-30-2010, 06:57 AM
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Originally Posted by iwantcontrol View Post
I don’t know what I want anymore. I can’t understand my own feelings or thoughts. I think I want to be with him but I don’t want any of this stuff. I’m unhappy. Not just with this but generally, I’m unhappy more than I’m happy.
Unfortunately, being with him includes all of 'this stuff.' It's kinda like wanting to eat ice cream for every meal without gaining any weight. You don't get one without the other.

I wish I could tell you something positive about being with an active alcoholic, but there just isn't anything positive about it. Sorry.

L
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Old 03-30-2010, 07:04 AM
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I think I want to be with him but I don’t want any of this stuff.
I would like to eat chocolate and not get fat. If I eat chocolate I get fat: this is a fundamental truth of the way chocolate and I interact, so I have to choose: chocolate or thin, I can't have both.

If I choose to eat the chocolate, I have to ACCEPT that I will be fat, I am just setting myself up for pain and disappointment and misery if I hope that I somehow things will be different this time, or see if I can persuade those calories to disappear or extract promises from the chocolate to act like lettuce once it's in my stomach.

That’s the main problem – I want him to choose me over alcohol and his alcoholic lifestyle, but I know he won’t. It’s not that he can’t because I think he could if he wanted it that badly.
Yes, he could if he wanted it that badly, he doesn't want it that badly. What does that mean to you?

So now I’m stuck not knowing what to do.
What do you think your options are here? When I am in the middle of a situation, often I find that I don't consider the full range of options: some never occur to me, others I shut down without thinking them through, because of fear or social stigma or what I think I should do, it can be helpful for an outside opinion sometimes.

I’m going to visit the dr and get some advice I think.
good idea, always best to get things checked out, even if just to set your mind at rest, and talking through where you are can be helpful.


Oh it is all such a mess. I want everything and everyone to go away and leave me alone sometimes.
if they won't go away and leave you for a while, could you take a little holiday? a weekend to stay with some friends, have some rest and some fun and pamper you away from his madness for a while?

Nothing is getting better. There are glimpses of possibilities of him improving, like counselling starting and actually seeing the dr when he needs to, but the lying, drinking during the day and hanging around with those horrible people is not showing signs of ending.
He drinks
he lies,
he hides things
he is nasty to you
you don't like his friends,
he has an "ex" entangled with him somehow.

not the description of an ideal mate, there must be some pretty big balancing good points for you to make him worth staying with, do you know what they are? I found when I did this, that some of the "bad" points were also on my "pro" list, like okay he's horrible to me, but …..

A lot of the stuff on my "pro" list was about me and my beliefs (hating being the one to end a relationship in case I was wrong etc) rather than his good points or good points about our relationship.

its also useful to have a pro and con list because over a period of two weeks you can note down how often the good and bad stuff happens, get a picture of the relationship and it's effect on you.

I truly believed he was going to beat alcoholism. It’s looking like I was wrong, but I can’t be sure, so that is why I stay
why do you think you have to stay while he decides whether or not to beat it? It is OKAY to decide that you don't want to go out with an addict, say give me a ring if you get better, why is that not an option you think will run, what feelings does that scenario throw up in you? (I'm not saying do that, but to an outsider it seems the obvious suggestion, I had my own reasons for not wanting to pursue that choice, I found it useful to look at them, you may find it useful to look at yours).
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Old 03-30-2010, 07:05 AM
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LOL LTD: I'm obviously a chocolate-girl rather than Ice-cream
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Old 03-30-2010, 07:11 AM
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I’m so fed up with the drinking. I was doing really well getting on with my own things and not obsessing over him, but maybe that was because I thought he was doing well. Now I know he’s been drinking more than I thought, I can feel myself slipping again. There also seems to be one drama/problem after another with him – as soon as one thing is sorted, something else starts. This time it is an ex-girlf of his sending notes through his door. He hid it from me but I got it out of him today. Apparently she is going round there tonight because she wants to see him and talk – he is going to let her in and tell her to leave him alone. Sounds dodgy to me but I have to trust him. I thought she’d finally disappeared for good after he changed phone number in the first few months of our relationship just so she couldn’t keep calling and harassing him. It’s just one more problem and annoyance to add to our lives. I’m worried about it and he’s already drinking today so he’ll probably be drunk when she arrives.

This paragraph stands out for me. You have been dealing with this guy and his drinking issues for quite a long time now. You've been miserable way more often than not. You've always said that if he cheated, that would be your limit to what you would put up with. Now, he's getting notes from an ex and hiding them from you. He says he's going to see her. If he didn't want to talk to her, he wouldn't. If he wasn't flattered by the notes she send him, he would have thrown them away and refused to see her. I'm sorry to sound so blunt, but do you need to actually see them in the act to realize that this man is throwing all your boundaries in your face? He is not interested in being the man you want him to be. He is what he is. You deserve better.
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Old 03-30-2010, 07:20 AM
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i want - here's what stuck out at me from your post:

What is happening in your life?

it’s all going wrong again with my ABF
he was drunk and quite nasty to me on the phone.
There also seems to be one drama/problem after another with him
Nothing is getting better.
There are glimpses of possibilities of him improving, but the lying, drinking during the day and hanging around with those horrible people is not showing signs of ending.

How do you feel about it?
I am feeling very angry and upset today.
I’m so fed up with the drinking.
I’m unhappy. Not just with this but generally, I’m unhappy more than I’m happy.

What actions have you taken?
I let my boundary down last week


How are you talking to/treating yourself?

I know it was a stupid thing to do.

What are you telling yourself that might not be true?
I have to trust him.
So now I’m stuck
I don’t know what I want anymore.
I can’t understand my own feelings or thoughts.

What are you spending your time wishing for that can't happen?
I want him to choose me over alcohol and his alcoholic lifestyle, but I know he won’t.



What does all that mean to me?
You are a smart person!
You are hard on yourself.
Changing our patterns is hard!
Leaving a person we love is hard!
Trusting ourselves is hard and scary if we don't have practice doing it.
Give yourself a break.

You know how you feel.
You know what is going on.
You know what is wishful thinking.
You have all the tools you need to grow.

The change in your behavior is the scary part, right? It is for me!!

As LaTeeDa told me -
first is awareness (you got that).
Second is acceptance (you and I are both working on this.) Accept he IS a drinker. He IS lying to you. He IS choosing alcohol over you, because he is. Stop wondering right now what to DO. Work on just accepting he is the way he is. You can't change him. No amount of you believing, hoping, trying, giving chances, talking to him in a certain way, getting him to make promises, treating him in a certain way is going to change him.
Later, comes action.

You're doing great!

Hugs,
w
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Old 03-30-2010, 07:32 AM
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iwc, I'm sorry this part of your learning journey is so hard.

When you are truly done (with the drinking, the drama, the lying, the disrespect, and (probably) the infidelity) then you will be done, and not a moment before.

As hard as it is for us to watch you suffer through this, the truth is that you MUST suffer through this if you're to find your own answers.

There is much more going on here besides alcoholism. You are dealing with a dishonorable man. That is a shame, because I know you hoped with all your heart that he would turn out to be something different. Realizing what he truly is, again, is your journey to take.

I'm sorry it has to hurt so much though

You are a good person who deserves to be with someone who is as loyal to you as you are to them. I hope you find that person some day, because it will open up new realms of joy for you.
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Old 03-30-2010, 07:32 AM
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Thanks for the replies.

JenT – your post made me think about what my options actually are – I see them as clear cut – stay with him and deal with all this rubbish or leave him. Do I have any other options that I’m not seeing? It hurts that i know he could do it but he isn’t trying hard enough – he says he is trying his best – that can’t be true can it? The thought of getting away from everyone is so appealing and I will have a proper think so see if I could do this somehow. I made a pros and cons list before but maybe that needs revisiting. I feel so stupid because when you look at it rationally it makes no sense to stay. But I want to be with him. If I left him and said ring me when your sorted out, I think he would probably get worse, hang around with the wrong crowd even more and sink further into alcoholism – he’d probably end up sleeping with horrible people again as he has hardly any self respect when he is really really bad (before he met me he did that for a while). You are right though, I need to explore that further.

Suki – the ex issue I probably haven’t explained very well. She is quite unstable (not just got that from him, others have said too) and she wouldn’t leave him alone before we were together and for a while after. She would text him and call quite a bit saying she loved him and wouldn’t accept it was over etc etc. He told her it was and had been for some time, but she would keep calling. He changed his phone number and finally grew a backbone and told her very clearly to leave him alone. She did for months but then asked him on facebook how he was and if he’d add her as a friend. He replied out of politeness (i’ve seen what he sent) and added her, thinking she’d got over it. Well, apparently since then she’s sent more messages asking how he is etc, but he is not on facebook anymore (unrelated issue) and so she had no way of contacting him other than going to his house – notes through the door for past couple of weeks. She said in last one apparently that she is going to his tonight and wants him to be in so they can talk. He is going to be there and tell her to leave him alone before it gets out of hand. That is what i’ve been told. I do actually believe him, but I was supposed to be going there myself tonight and now i can’t because she is – that wound me up. He just throws it back at me about me and my ex because we are actually friends still and often chat and sometimes see each other – then i feel guilty for moaning at him. But the situations are different – i don’t know if i am being unfair because he deals with me being friends with my ex most of the time without saying a word.

I probably do deserve better though, thanks. I’m an honest person who just wants a loving, sharing, trusting relationship to put my all into. I saw something in my ABF that I liked and wanted, but he is slowly eroding that all away.
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Old 03-30-2010, 07:37 AM
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I always thought that cheating on you was your final breaking point.
I would consider an old GF coming round to see you cheating.
(there was a time when I thought it was OK for him and I needed to trust him.
Now, 18 years later, I learned that they were "together" while I thought he was telling her all about me and why it was over with her.)

I read your post and I don't see what sounds rewarding or FUN in your life with him?

Dating is supposed to be fun.

eta: I read your reply to Suki. "Is he really doing the best he can? Can't he do more?" The answer is probably "Yes. NO. and at any rate, that is HIS business. Your business is deciding if you want him as he is TODAY."
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Old 03-30-2010, 07:39 AM
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Wife – thanks for taking the time to put my words into answering those questions – it is quite enlightening to see it like that. I guess i am too hard on myself a lot of the time. I am impatient and want things to be sorted and better just like that. I’m not good at things that take a long time to fix or get out of. I will work on acceptance and I know it wont come quickly. I thought I had accepted that he is a drinker and will lie but I clearly haven’t done that yet. Thank you.

Givelove – the thing is that my gut is telling me (i think) that underneath it all he is a good person, he does love me and he would never cheat on me etc. Or is my gut instinct telling me he is a horrible person who will never change? I don’t think so. But I’m not sure. It does really hurt. I can’t even make up my mind what I really and truly think.
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Old 03-30-2010, 07:42 AM
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Originally Posted by iwantcontrol View Post

Givelove – the thing is that my gut is telling me (i think) that underneath it all he is a good person, he does love me and he would never cheat on me etc. Or is my gut instinct telling me he is a horrible person who will never change? I don’t think so. But I’m not sure. It does really hurt. I can’t even make up my mind what I really and truly think.
When I get all knotted up like this, I like to write it down on paper and see what the EVIDENCE supports. No feelings or thoughts - just ACTIONS. But then, I am a lawyer and I aspire to look at things objectively.

In the end, I believe that thoughts, feelings and words are worth very little unless there are ACTIONS to accompany them. This has helped me immensely.
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Old 03-30-2010, 07:45 AM
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stella - cheating still is a breaking point. I truly don't think he has or would do but i'm a little insecure so it worries me that i am totally wrong on that. Her going round there isn't cheating if he is telling me the truth about it all. I still see my ex and he comes round to see me (he still has stuff at the house too) and I don't consider that as cheating because we are friends. I could be wrong and he could want to get back with her but in my gut I don't believe that. If i'm wrong I think i'd discover it pretty soon and we would be over. I know he loves me and he shows it a lot wen he's not drinking.
We do have fun together but I'm not writing about that because its the bad times and problems I'm upset about. The good times do exist but not when he's drinking. Thats it, I know they can happen and we could be good together all the time - I think
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Old 03-30-2010, 07:47 AM
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thanks, i'm a rational person too most of the time. I need to think through it all this way, but then you can't always rationalise the love part. thats where being rational comes unstuck for me.
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Old 03-30-2010, 07:49 AM
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and no, i don't want him as he is today. is it unfair to stay with him because i can't accept who is is being at the moment?
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Old 03-30-2010, 08:03 AM
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Originally Posted by iwantcontrol View Post
and no, i don't want him as he is today. is it unfair to stay with him because i can't accept who is is being at the moment?
yes. unfair to YOU.
Who he is 'at the moment' IS who he is.
You are telling us you don't like it.
Go up and read your post.
You say you don't know how you really feel, but you are saying how you feel - unhappy, frustrated and disrespected.
HONOR yourself by LISTENING to yourself and TRUSTING yourself and CARING for yourself.
That's the part that seems to be missing.

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Old 03-30-2010, 08:09 AM
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IWC...you came here in mid-December and have been asking these same questions ever since. Several people have suggested attending Al-anon meetings. Have you done this? Al-anon can help YOU be the best YOU you can be. You are still trying to control the situation with your boyfriend and it hasn't worked before, it's not working now and it won't work in the future. You don't like the person he IS. You are still attached to the "could be's" and the "what if's." Life is reality, not fantasy. It's time for you to let go of the fantasy.
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Old 03-30-2010, 08:10 AM
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If he wanted to change, he's do it himself, he wouldn't need you to ask him to.
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Old 03-30-2010, 08:11 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
it's just what we do in times of desperation - hold onto something purely to HAVE something to hang on to..........
that rings true. maybe i'm hanging onto the idea of being with someone, even if it isn't really working and isn't what i convinced myself it was? It just feels so damn right sometimes (or does it??). Urgh, how do you work it out?

(and how do you do multiple quotes in the same reply?)
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Old 03-30-2010, 08:12 AM
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anvil - you rock!
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