I can relate to the guilt cycle

Old 03-29-2010, 07:54 PM
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I can relate to the guilt cycle

I just wanted to share something interesting I noticed.

I know there is this cycle with addicts- you use, you do bad stuff, you stop using, you feel guilty for the bad stuff you did, so you use some more. The cycle varies but it's something like that.

I, in a very very small way, can relate to that. I was the normal girlfriend of an addict, I've had no previous drug experience. Well, lately I've been feel lonely and withdrawn. And I've grown distant from all the people that were close in my life. I've realized how much time I spent on him and trying to help him that I was ignoring the people in my life. I was missing them dearly too but I just haven't been able to make myself see them lately. I felt embaressed and ashamed of my situation, like addicts do, even though they would have no idea what has been going on in my life. Interestingly enough the guiltier and sadder I felt about neglecting my relationships with people the more I felt like avoiding them, like an addict wanting to use after thinking about the bad things he's done.

By chance I ran into some old faces this weekend, and I am SO glad I did. I wanted to try and avoid them at first but then they saw me and were delighted to see me. I hadn't seen them in MONTHS. I felt so bad for not keeping in touch with them but they understood, they just said 'hey- we're glad to see you now.' I feel so relieved. Honestly, the agony I've been feeling washed away. I went today to visit more people I was close to and I'm so glad I did. I suggest getting in contact with the people that were close in your life, you don't know their reaction and they will probably just be glad you're back.

I don't know why I'm sharing, it was just interesting the small concept of 'the cycle'. I feel amazingly better now. Literally it was like a light switch for me.

I guess I just want to give a warning to those out there in relationships with addicts. You start feeling the same way they do. Your social life is affected, you disappear to protect them like they disappear to take drugs.

Not sure if there's anything to get out of this lol, take what you can.
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Old 03-30-2010, 01:33 AM
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Ann
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Indeed, isolation is a huge part of codependency. Like you, we feel embarrassed and ashamed, and since there is nothing good going on in our life, we have nothing to say to them that they would understand. And we're so exhausted from looking after business at home, we have no energy to do anything anyway.

I am so glad your friends spotted you, that seems to have been the push you need to get back out there among family and friends.

I was surprised and delighted to find that my friends still loved me, even after I had treated them badly through neglect, and my family stood by me no matter what.

Something that helped me was to go to meetings. That got me "out" yet I was surrounded by supportive people who understood me. Often I would go for coffee after the meeting and begin to feel like "normal" people having coffee and fun.

Thanks for posting this, I think it's an important topic to talk about.

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Old 03-30-2010, 05:05 AM
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I found that when things were really, really bad in my house, I drifted apart from all my old friends. I started avoiding them because I got tired of hearing them say, "Why don't you get rid of that bum!?!" And they started avoiding me because they got tired of hearing about all that awful, scary, negative stuff I was living with and watching me not do anything about it.

They watched me get sucked into HIS addiction....they could see I was drowning, but they were powerless to help me. Does this sound familiar? I was doing to them what the addict was doing to me. Talk about a vicious cycle!

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Old 03-30-2010, 07:15 AM
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Thanks so much for posting this - I'm so glad you are breaking the isolation - it is a very difficult thing to do -

Stepping out of the cycle for US is as important as it is for the A's

If we want something different - we have to be willing to DO something different.

That's a challenging task - but one that is well worth the risk!

HUGS to you,
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Old 03-30-2010, 06:43 PM
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I'm trying to go out with friends more....but they all like to drink.

Now, I know not all people that drink are alcoholics....but I can't seem to get this chip off my shoulder. I just don't feel like being around it.

Guess I need to whittle away at that chip.

Still working on it.

Good post, thanks.
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Old 03-30-2010, 06:56 PM
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soleus,

you are one smart cookie.

been there, done that.

i isolated practically for months. except for showing up to work, not focusing on work, and doing the mandatory "kid stuff" i was not engaged in the work of simply living.

i didn't wanna talk to my girlfriends, cuz i did not want to lie and pretend i was fine, nor did i want to talk about what was really going on.

yes, it mirrors addiction in many ways.
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Old 03-30-2010, 07:01 PM
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I can totally relate to isolation. I get out for functions, but cannot get home quick enough. I've had invites lately from gf's or gf's/kids. I've declined because I'm just so ashamed of everything. I plan on branching out shortly. I am a social person by nature. I can for sure tell that I've holed myself up in this house all winter 'hibernating' because of AH's antics and the shame that comes with it.
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Old 03-30-2010, 07:17 PM
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I isolated as well and then he turned it "You never DO anything anymore!" ????? That was part of my cycle. After he used and/or drank, he literally became a fixture on the couch for DAYS! I thought, why am I up doing laundry, so I became a depressed fixture as well. Wow, am I so glad those days are over. The kids and I have redefined the couch, it is for US to snuggle on and watch a movie on at night.............just us..................PERFECT.
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Old 03-30-2010, 09:19 PM
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update

I was just talking to a friend and he said- 'wow, it is SO good to have you back. I've been missing you, I've really been enjoying the time we've been spending together' (We've hung out everyday for the past 4 days)


So everyone- get up and get out you'll be surprised at how easy it is to fall back into place, I sure am. The hardest part is making that first step, but once that happens you'll feel much better.
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