racaple78

Hello SR family. I recently posted on here about how well I was doing with my ex-AH being in jail and moving forward with my life, how the kids and I are doing well, how I have been dating and moving forward, and all of these things have been true.

But now, some recent events have started coming up, and I need the advice and words of wisdom of you all to help me understand what I am doing, and what the best course of action is in this situation.

The ex-AH has been released from jail and has been begun contacting me again. In the course of his prison time, I recieved 30+ letters from him, expressing his remorse of his actions, him missing his children, how he wouldn't ever go down the path of drug addiction again, etc etc. It was hard for me to respond to any of these letters as 1) I was trying to move forward 2) and his word is mud really. Still, upon hearing from that he was back out, I was immediately concerned and wondering if or when he would contact us (his children and myself) once he was out. After almost two weeks of no contact went by, I felt....dare I say it? Disappointed...hurt. Scared that he was already throwing himself back down the path of drugs again. Then the past Saturday before last, I recieved a call from him. I didn't know it was him from the caller ID when I answered the phone, but the moment I heard his voice say, "Hey, how are you?" I froze. I hadn't heard this man's voice in over a year, and the second I did it released a deep well of emotions in me. I was shaking. I whispered, "Is this (ex-AH name)?" and he said yes, and started asking me how me and the kids were doing. It was like talking to a ghost. We had a polite conversation, I asked him where he was, he said he was back at his mother's (which is NOT good...his mother is also a drug addict and was with her when he got arrested for drugs last year), and told me he was ready to leave Texas, that he missed the kids and wanted to be closer to them and to help me out. I told him I understood that he wanted a relationship with them, but that would come with a lot of stipulations and he said, "You mean, me not doing drugs?" and I said, "Well, obviously." and he said, "Right, obviously." and I said, "Well...have you done any since your release?" and he said, "No." (which may or may not be true, who knows....like I said, it took him almost two weeks to call.
I caught him up a bit with our children, our daughter who just turned four, and our son who will be two in May.He asked if he could talk to his daughter, and I froze again. I didn't want to disturb or upset her, but I knew she had missed him, and he had missed her. So I walked back into the other room where my daughter was painting and said, "Honey, look at mommy," and she did, and I said, "Sweetie....your daddy is on the phone." and she immediately brightened up and said, "Daddy?!?!?!" and picked up the phone. "Hi daddy!!!! I went to McDonald's today, and my mommy gave me ice cream, and I'm painting, and my mommy is cleaning the floor.....I love you too, daddy....I miss you too." She handed the phone back to me smiling and said, "That was my daddy!" and went back to painting, completely unaware. I took the phone back. I could tell my ex-AH was shook up. "Are you ok?" I asked. "Wow, I don't know what to say..." he whispered. "I miss her so much." I told him that I hadn't said anything bad to her about him, just that he was in Texas and that daddy was there because of daddy, it wasn't her fault..etc etc. She's been really fine except she's asked about him. My ex-AH told me that he felt overwhelmed because he had missed us so much and couldn't believe that we actually missed him back. I froze again. Then I said, "Well, I don't know really much what to tell you. All I can offer you is advice which is, I think you should try to recruit as many good people as you can to offer you help right now to get you back on your feet, and try to attend meetings and get on the best treatment for you." He got quietly then very quickly said, "OryoucouldjusttakemebackandI'llbeyoursforever ... haha, just kidding." I froze once again. He quickly changed the subject.
He told me he was working on getting a job, we kept a polite conversation for a few more minutes, then he asked if he could call back the next day, and I told him we'd probably be here. Then I just said I'd talk to him later, and hung up. Within minutes he immediately called back, I picked up the phone, and he said, "Hey....I just wanted to tell you before I hung up last that I love you." I stopped short and just stood there. Then I slowly said, "I....love you too. I just hope you can get back on the right track, ok? Please just look forward to a good future and focus on that, for now, ok?" And we got off the phone.
Of course, he didn't call back the next day. That whole week I thought about what he said, why he hadn't called like he said he would, and was mad at myself for the wellspring of emotions I was feeling for him just to hear his voice again. Its been a peaceful life, but its been LONELY being a single mom, and out of nowhere these silly thoughts started to pop up again in my head, the whatifs and maybes, what we had and what we might have in the future, was it possible? Was it possible? I started reminescing about him, and was also furious that he was acting so nonchalant in his actions while saying so many emotional things to me over the phone.
We spoke again this past Saturday, and he immediately apologized for not calling, saying he didn't have a phone and his mother was gone the whole day with her phone. The following day was our daughter's bday, and he said he would call back in a few minutes, and didn't once again.
The next day, our daughter's bday, I had a party for her, she saw some friends, I saw some of mine, we came home, had a busy day, and the whole time in the back burrows of my mind I wondered why my ex-AH hadn't called, and knew that he was probably back on drugs again.
At 9:30 he called, and asked if our daughter was asleep, and I told him yes, even though she was still awake. I told him he was calling too late, and he apologized again. And I was mad. He could tell I was mad, and asked me what was wrong. I told him that first of all, I had been moving along just fine with my life, and now all of the sudden he was saying things to me like he loved me, and missed his kids, and didn't call when he said he would. That the fact he had been out of jail for almost a month and had only called twice led after writing me long-winded letters about how he missed his family led me to believe he was back on drugs. I said all of this calmly. He listened. Then he said I was right, that he didn't want to be that guy who said he would do stuff, and not do it, and he didn't like it when he people did that to him, so he would no longer do that to me, or the kids. I told him I didn't want the kids to be disappointed in him, or be misled by him, and he said he understood. He also told me that the reason he had said what he had said to me was because he really felt those things, and wanted to let me know. Then we had a mature and straightforward conversation. Although he never admitted to relapsing, I said to him, "Look...if you have lapsed? There's still time to get help. You can still stop and try to get to meetings, or quit, or get treatment, its not too late." He asked me what he would need to do to be close to his family again, and I told him the first thing he would need to do is get himself straightened out first. Get stablized, get help, go to meetings. He tried to say, "Well, if I get around a bunch of ex-addicts sitting around talking about their addictions all day, then yeah, its going to make me want to do drugs again. I think the best way for me to stay off drugs is to make the choice not to do it anymore, and stay off them by myself." And I said, "I think the ONLY way you can get through this, realistically, is by getting help, going through the steps, and using the tools and skills those meetings will give you, and to really WANT to stop. You can only quit if you are open to those things." He agreed. In a way, it was nice to talk a openly to him about what bothered me, and we agreed that we didn't want to be on bad terms with each other, and that ideally he could get on the right path, and go to meetings, and be a father to his children again. I heard hope in his voice.
Now my situation is this: after a year of moving forward and moving on, I am now struggling with how to handle this situation with my ex-AH trying to get back in the picture. I have sole custody of our kids, I told him that we needed to go through all the proper legal channels (i.e. he would need to pay child support, etc)...he acted very respectful and responsive to my suggestions and seems to be open to doing the things we talked about; however, he is in a different state, I have no idea what he's actually doing, and don't really know if I can ever trust him again, as a parent, friend, father, ex, or anything else.
And yet also at the same time I'm struggling with these re-opened emotions I am feeling towards him. For years we were a happy family, before his drug addictions, he was my soulmate, and the love of my life. To hear his voice again brought me back to the love I had felt so strongly for him, and while rationally I know I shouldn't feel those things again, it is slowly creeping back up on me, the small sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe...he can get better, and we could actually be a family again. I don't want to get hurt anymore, I feel like I'm regressing, I don't want to make any bad choices here, and any words of wisdom I can recieve from my SR family would be immensely appreciated. I need some guidance from those who understand, and my family and friends either don't know what this is like, or hate him with a passion and wish him dead from all his past drug induced mistakes. Please let me know what you think.....

hello-kitty

(((hugs))) I've been there. The truth will reveal itself. You just keep making wise choices for yourself and your kids. Don't change your course just because he is out of jail.

I know it's hard. But I've been there. Like I said the truth will reveal itself in time... so take it slow.

It's already not a good sign that he said he was going to call and then didn't... all I can suggest is don't set any expectations for you or the kids. Expectations are premeditated resentments. And most important you don't want your babies to be hurt by him anymore than they already have been.

racaple78

You are 100% right hello-kitty. It is exactly that, having expectations become resentments later for those things not taking place. I told him in our phone conversation last night, "Look, I don't care if you tell me you won't call again in another month, or whatever.....just please don't say you're going to do something and then not do it. Don't worry about trying to sound good, because the truth is best. Just do what you say you will do." I say these things in a nice voice to him, if you can imagine that. LOL I read it on here and it sounds crass but in phone calls we are pleasant but honest. I had almost thought of telling him to just stay away from us if he can't follow through his actions, but again.....in moments of talking to him, instead of my firmness, I feel the urge to be helpful somehow to him, or supportive, or try to give him advice. I have to stay strong in my resolve to not get my hopes up.

outtolunch

Just a couple of observations.....

Back in January, 2009 you created a thread comparing his behaviors to a sociopath.

He's been back for a month and is not working. That's a long, long way off from being able to man up and contribute to the support of his children.

He's not calling when he says he will and missed the opportunity to wish his daughter a happy birthday.

He owns his recovery. No fair telling him how to do it or to work a program. That's his choice.

There is something in between pining away for what was and wishing him dead. It's called taking responsibility for yourself and your outcome. Being loney is not a good reason to take him back.

Best advise on this forum is to ignore the words and pay attention to the actions.

racaple78

Thank you outtolunch. I know. This does help to strengthen my resolve. I don't want to go back to that cloud of emotions and confusion, like I said...we've been moving forward and doing well. Thanks for the reminder.

hello-kitty

Yeah. But it's quite possible he isn't capable of doing this. That is the nature of addiction. Being honest is what an emotionally healthy person does. And addicts do not automatically get healthy in jail. It's very hard to stay clean and sober on the outside. And very hard to recover and become a new man without some kind of recovery program or spiritual awakening.

It doesn't sound like he has either.

My ex has been in and out of jail for years. He makes mucho promises regarding getting a job and being a good father.... He just doesn't make any action to follow through on those promises.

My number one boundary is "call when you say you are going to call. If you don't I won't take your calls in the future."

What's yours? How many missed phone calls are you willing to put up with?

racaple78

Thank you everyone. My next two questions, after putting up my boundaries about his actions, is this: 1) what should I do in regards to his interaction with our children...should I even allow him to talk to them on the phone at all? (for their sake, not his), and 2) what should I do if or when the time comes that he comes to me asking for help with his recovery? Should I help at all or allow him to take care of it completely on his own? Should I offer any support, even as a friend to talk to?

Callie

At this point I think I would severely limit calls to the kids. They're so young. You don't know what his future holds @ all. You don't want the kids to think he's abandoned them because you don't yet know if he will in the future. You could be destined to a life of this with AH and I think you need to be the buffer. I can totally see my situation playing out like yours. Try to remember to not listen to his words, but look at his actions.

Also step back and look at how your life has been going before his calls and look at the well of chaos/emotions it's brought up since his calls. Keep your serenity. He has a LONG way to go before he'll be fit to be any kind of father/partner. Let him find that and then bring it to the table if you wish. If you give in to him now without that in place you'll be right back to where you were a year ago when he was in his addiction.

hello-kitty

Yes. I severely limit phone calls and visitation for my son. The less he hears from his father, the less he expects to hear from his father.

This isn't about what makes daddy feels good and important. This isn't about helping a grown man "find his way" (he already knows his way but is NOT choosing to follow the path). This is about protecting children from irresponsible screwed up adults who make bad choices and the effects of addiction on the family.

86753091

If while you're creating the new boundries related to him, you allow him to call the children at a pre-arranged time each week - Saturday mornings? Or whatever works for you both. He would have an opportunity to show you his committment to the family and you would have an opportunity to see how serious he is about the committment by how often he keeps the appointment.

You can't have him emotionally upsetting you whenever he feels like picking up the phone. If you limit his access, you will have plenty of time to work on yourself and your emotions while still letting the kids have access to dad.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being prepared for a phone call - people do it in business every day.

Give yourself freedom - don't wait around for the phone to ring. You can enjoy your life and still allow him some time with his kids.

CB

86753091

I'm under the impression that while people are working their program that they are not to try to make amends where it may hurt the person their making amends to.

If he gets to that point in his process, you will have both had plenty of time to consider your level of participation. You don't have to decide today, he may not even ask for your participation. Once you've made a decision you can freely change your mind if necessary.

One day at a time, right?

CB