New member looking for feedback and/or support
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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New member looking for feedback and/or support
New to these boards. Gonna try to keep this as brief as I can as I tend to get waaaay to wordy, especially with emotional stuff. Just looking for feedback, and possibly support.
- I’m a 29yo female. I have a doctorate in psychology, and I’m currently collecting my postdoctoral hours.
- I’m an adult child of a dysfunctional family. I’m an only child, and while neither parent is an addict/alcoholic, many other relatives are/were.
- I have been in individual therapy for many years, and actively in Co-Dependents Anonymous for almost five years. I go to meetings regularly, hold service positions, have a sponsor, work the Steps, and sponsor a few women.
- My first significant romantic relationship was when I was 24/25 (late bloomer). He had way too many serious problems to get into here, but he was a sober alcoholic. I tried out Al-Anon when we were together, but it just didn’t click so I stopped going.
- Three months ago I reconnected with a guy I knew in high school. Turns out he’s…wait for it…a recovering alcoholic. He’d been to inpatient rehab a while ago, and had 6 months sober when we got back into contact. Active in program and all that. We’ve been dating for about two months.
- We are very strongly attracted to one another. He has many, many qualities I look for in a guy (MUCH better than my first BF by a longshot), and he’s the first guy I’ve had genuine feelings for in a long time.
- On Friday night he told me that he loves me/is in love with me. I reciprocated.
- He stayed over at my place Saturday, and I could tell something was off. Sunday morning he tells me that he relapsed over 3 days last week. Says he’s a binge drinker, so he can go for a while without drinking, but when he does drink it’s for several days. He had yet to tell anyone else about the relapse.
- At first I did the whole, “It’s fine, it’s ok, I’m fine” thing. Eventually I got more honest and cried a bit, saying that I was scared and I need someone who can be there for me like I’m there for them.
- I told him I have three boundaries: I don’t want to interact with him if he’s drinking, I don’t want to interact with him if he’s intoxicated, and I don’t want him to lie to me about drinking. I also said that I’ll be there as long as he’s active in his recovery.
- We left on ok terms. Since then he’s said he told his sponsor, landlord (he’s in a sober living-type situation), family, and home meeting about his relapse. He’s been to several meetings, and is seeing his counselor at his old rehab.
- I’ve talk to my therapist and sponsor, and am going to a bunch of Al-Anon meetings. I gotta admit that I’m resistant to Al-Anon. It just doesn’t click for me like CoDA always has. I don’t like that the Al-Anon 12 Steps refer to God as male. I don’t like hearing from a bunch of women whose husbands have been sober for 20 years. However, just today I realized that I need to stop looking at it as “I’m going because of BF,” but that I’m going because of ME. This is the second alcoholic for me…there’s gotta be something going on about that.
- Part of me says to just cut and RUN. Get out NOW. Another part says to trust that I will be able to determine if things ever get to be too dramatic or painful, and I know that I’m capable of leaving a “nice but ****** up guy” because I’ve done it before, despite being very much in love and attached.
- I’m feeling hurt, stung, confused, disappointed. But I really am in love with this guy. We both agreed that if we’re gonna work through this we need to be honest with each other about our feelings, which we have so far.
As I said before, feedback and/or support would be greatly appreciated.
PS: Even if things don’t work out with my BF, should I consider continuing to go to Al-Anon as the two men I’ve ever fallen in love and had relationships with were (recovering) alcoholics?
- I’m a 29yo female. I have a doctorate in psychology, and I’m currently collecting my postdoctoral hours.
- I’m an adult child of a dysfunctional family. I’m an only child, and while neither parent is an addict/alcoholic, many other relatives are/were.
- I have been in individual therapy for many years, and actively in Co-Dependents Anonymous for almost five years. I go to meetings regularly, hold service positions, have a sponsor, work the Steps, and sponsor a few women.
- My first significant romantic relationship was when I was 24/25 (late bloomer). He had way too many serious problems to get into here, but he was a sober alcoholic. I tried out Al-Anon when we were together, but it just didn’t click so I stopped going.
- Three months ago I reconnected with a guy I knew in high school. Turns out he’s…wait for it…a recovering alcoholic. He’d been to inpatient rehab a while ago, and had 6 months sober when we got back into contact. Active in program and all that. We’ve been dating for about two months.
- We are very strongly attracted to one another. He has many, many qualities I look for in a guy (MUCH better than my first BF by a longshot), and he’s the first guy I’ve had genuine feelings for in a long time.
- On Friday night he told me that he loves me/is in love with me. I reciprocated.
- He stayed over at my place Saturday, and I could tell something was off. Sunday morning he tells me that he relapsed over 3 days last week. Says he’s a binge drinker, so he can go for a while without drinking, but when he does drink it’s for several days. He had yet to tell anyone else about the relapse.
- At first I did the whole, “It’s fine, it’s ok, I’m fine” thing. Eventually I got more honest and cried a bit, saying that I was scared and I need someone who can be there for me like I’m there for them.
- I told him I have three boundaries: I don’t want to interact with him if he’s drinking, I don’t want to interact with him if he’s intoxicated, and I don’t want him to lie to me about drinking. I also said that I’ll be there as long as he’s active in his recovery.
- We left on ok terms. Since then he’s said he told his sponsor, landlord (he’s in a sober living-type situation), family, and home meeting about his relapse. He’s been to several meetings, and is seeing his counselor at his old rehab.
- I’ve talk to my therapist and sponsor, and am going to a bunch of Al-Anon meetings. I gotta admit that I’m resistant to Al-Anon. It just doesn’t click for me like CoDA always has. I don’t like that the Al-Anon 12 Steps refer to God as male. I don’t like hearing from a bunch of women whose husbands have been sober for 20 years. However, just today I realized that I need to stop looking at it as “I’m going because of BF,” but that I’m going because of ME. This is the second alcoholic for me…there’s gotta be something going on about that.
- Part of me says to just cut and RUN. Get out NOW. Another part says to trust that I will be able to determine if things ever get to be too dramatic or painful, and I know that I’m capable of leaving a “nice but ****** up guy” because I’ve done it before, despite being very much in love and attached.
- I’m feeling hurt, stung, confused, disappointed. But I really am in love with this guy. We both agreed that if we’re gonna work through this we need to be honest with each other about our feelings, which we have so far.
As I said before, feedback and/or support would be greatly appreciated.
PS: Even if things don’t work out with my BF, should I consider continuing to go to Al-Anon as the two men I’ve ever fallen in love and had relationships with were (recovering) alcoholics?
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
You do need to do it for yourself. Figure out what you want and go for it. Be wary of the manipulations of active addicts. Best of luck with your psychology career. Funny how it's relatively easy to analyze the situations of others without having any real insight into oneself (at least this was the case for me). As best I can figure out our emotions make life a rich and rewarding place; the downside is that they also skew our sense of reality a little.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by ElegantlyWasted 
You do need to do it for yourself. Figure out what you want and go for it. Be wary of the manipulations of active addicts. Best of luck with your psychology career. Funny how it's relatively easy to analyze the situations of others without having any real insight into oneself (at least this was the case for me). As best I can figure out our emotions make life a rich and rewarding place; the downside is that they also skew our sense of reality a little.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi and welcome. It sounds like you must already have so much insight into this situation already considering your background, your therapy and the years you have been involved in Coda and Alanon.
So, I'm curious what your therapist says about this.
Also curious what you would do if a therapy client or even your best friend came to you with a similar situation. How would you advise her? Because you have to be your own best friend... and in the end, you probably know what the wisest decision is for you and for the future you want for yourself.
So, I'm curious what your therapist says about this.
Also curious what you would do if a therapy client or even your best friend came to you with a similar situation. How would you advise her? Because you have to be your own best friend... and in the end, you probably know what the wisest decision is for you and for the future you want for yourself.
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty
Hi and welcome. It sounds like you must already have so much insight into this situation already considering your background, your therapy and the years you have been involved in Coda and Alanon.
So, I'm curious what your therapist says about this.
Also curious what you would do if a therapy client or even your best friend came to you with a similar situation. How would you advise her? Because you have to be your own best friend... and in the end, you probably know what the wisest decision is for you and for the future you want for yourself.
So, I'm curious what your therapist says about this.
Also curious what you would do if a therapy client or even your best friend came to you with a similar situation. How would you advise her? Because you have to be your own best friend... and in the end, you probably know what the wisest decision is for you and for the future you want for yourself.
I've spoken to my therapist about this whole thing, and she says that she has faith in my ability to determine when "enough is enough," as I (eventually) did do that in my last relationship. She also says she's a believer in second chances, but not so much in third/fourth/fifth/etc chances.
If I was talking with a client or friend who was in the same situation, I would encourage them to set boundaries, and to plan ahead about what they would do if the boundaries were crossed. I've done the first one, but still working on figuring out the second. I was able to completely end things with the last BF when things got ridiculous (didn't have to do with alcohol, but still), but it was insanely hard. I don't want to have to do that again, especially since this BF is a much nicer guy, but I guess I would if I felt I had to.
I don't feel that way yet. I think the hurt around this comes not from the fact that he relapsed, but that he lied to me about it at the time - I couldn't reach him one day last week, and he later said it was because his phone battery died. I questioned him about that after he disclosed the relapse, and the battery thing was a lie - he hadn't responded to me because he was drinking/passed out/etc. Also, I think he was texting with me another time while drinking, but I don't think I should get too mad about that one because I hadn't made my boundary about it clear beforehand. I suppose I could go into the, "Well, he should have known" area, but I don't think I will. Any thoughts on this last bit would be appreciated.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi jessie-
i think it is commendable that your alcoholic came to you and was honest about his relapse, then also worked with his sponsor. those are healthy signs that he is actively working his program.
let's face it, it's no easy task to beat the disease of alcoholism. i attended AA meetings for 6 months (to better understand) and learned that relapses happen quite often.
to me, what would matter would be the actions of the alcoholic post-relapse.
he was honest. that's a good sign.
as for him lying to you whilst drunk, that appears to just go along with the territory, unfortunately.
you have choices here. you could step back from the relationship and see where he is in his recovery in 6 months. or, you could choose to support him in his recovery.
you sound like you have a good handle on what you will tolerate. perhaps consider attending a few open AA meetings. i would imagine it would be helpful in both your career and in your personal life.
naive
i think it is commendable that your alcoholic came to you and was honest about his relapse, then also worked with his sponsor. those are healthy signs that he is actively working his program.
let's face it, it's no easy task to beat the disease of alcoholism. i attended AA meetings for 6 months (to better understand) and learned that relapses happen quite often.
to me, what would matter would be the actions of the alcoholic post-relapse.
he was honest. that's a good sign.
as for him lying to you whilst drunk, that appears to just go along with the territory, unfortunately.
you have choices here. you could step back from the relationship and see where he is in his recovery in 6 months. or, you could choose to support him in his recovery.
you sound like you have a good handle on what you will tolerate. perhaps consider attending a few open AA meetings. i would imagine it would be helpful in both your career and in your personal life.
naive
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Originally Posted by naive
hi jessie-
i think it is commendable that your alcoholic came to you and was honest about his relapse, then also worked with his sponsor. those are healthy signs that he is actively working his program.
let's face it, it's no easy task to beat the disease of alcoholism. i attended AA meetings for 6 months (to better understand) and learned that relapses happen quite often.
to me, what would matter would be the actions of the alcoholic post-relapse.
he was honest. that's a good sign.
as for him lying to you whilst drunk, that appears to just go along with the territory, unfortunately.
you have choices here. you could step back from the relationship and see where he is in his recovery in 6 months. or, you could choose to support him in his recovery.
you sound like you have a good handle on what you will tolerate. perhaps consider attending a few open AA meetings. i would imagine it would be helpful in both your career and in your personal life.
naive
i think it is commendable that your alcoholic came to you and was honest about his relapse, then also worked with his sponsor. those are healthy signs that he is actively working his program.
let's face it, it's no easy task to beat the disease of alcoholism. i attended AA meetings for 6 months (to better understand) and learned that relapses happen quite often.
to me, what would matter would be the actions of the alcoholic post-relapse.
he was honest. that's a good sign.
as for him lying to you whilst drunk, that appears to just go along with the territory, unfortunately.
you have choices here. you could step back from the relationship and see where he is in his recovery in 6 months. or, you could choose to support him in his recovery.
you sound like you have a good handle on what you will tolerate. perhaps consider attending a few open AA meetings. i would imagine it would be helpful in both your career and in your personal life.
naive
I'm definitely going to attend some open women's AA meetings. I actually went to an open AA meeting for six months before I got into CoDA. Long story, but it was extremely helpful at the time (even though I've never had a drink in my life!). Also, I'm fairly familiar with the ins and outs of addiction/alcoholism as I did my predoctoral internship at a huge rehab center.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Hi and welcome!
Alanon did not fit for me either. I don't know why. I just never felt right there. I've continued in with individual therapy and that has been very helpful. My father is an alcoholic and I've dated addicts and alcoholics. For me, it comes down to acceptable and unacceptable behavior. I no longer allow someone else's addictions to harm my life. I may still end up with an alcoholic, but I don't think that will be because I did not attend alanon.
Alanon did not fit for me either. I don't know why. I just never felt right there. I've continued in with individual therapy and that has been very helpful. My father is an alcoholic and I've dated addicts and alcoholics. For me, it comes down to acceptable and unacceptable behavior. I no longer allow someone else's addictions to harm my life. I may still end up with an alcoholic, but I don't think that will be because I did not attend alanon.
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Originally Posted by NYC_Chick
For me, it comes down to acceptable and unacceptable behavior. I no longer allow someone else's addictions to harm my life.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
Jessie....ya know even WITH a head full of knowledge and having earned our stripes, we can STILL get hung up on issues that haven't been totally resolved.
Originally Posted by anvilhead
exchanging the I Love You's already which...interestingly enough for him...
comes on the heels of his getting drunk LAST WEEK.
comes on the heels of his getting drunk LAST WEEK.
Originally Posted by anvilhead
you stated your boundaries, but not the actions YOU will take to enforce them.
Originally Posted by anvilhead
you' state that you will KNOW when it gets to be TOO much and will be able to simply extricate yourself at that time.
Originally Posted by anvilhead
this relationship is set up almost identical to the prior relationship that didn't work out long term.
Originally Posted by anvilhead
because i love him is a consistent theme that allows many involved with addicts and alcoholics to EXCUSE behavior that is inexcusable.
Originally Posted by anvilhead
and not exactly a stellar track record at getting sober and then STAYING sober, even while ACTIVE in the program.
Originally Posted by anvilhead
it's ok to adopt the wait n see attitude....knock the throttle back to an idle and just putt along for a bit. kinda like sight seeing....if we drive by too fast we'll miss all there is to see.......it will all become a blur and we won't be able to read the signs............
Believe it or not, this relationship moved a lot slower than the last one. I know, I know, that's not saying much. But instead of beating myself up over possibly moving too fast, I'm focusing on "progress not perfection" instead.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
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Hmmm, I've got mixed thoughts. I can see you think alot of him, care for him and want to stay. But I've got huge alarm bells ringing in my head, that say 'leave now before it's too late'.
I'm 29 too and my Mum is an alcoholic (and has been for about 19 years). My experience is they are sneaky, lie and deceive you... just for another drink. Alcohol will always be part of their life, whether they give it up or not.
If my best friend sat me down and said to me what you have just said I'd say, although it's going to hurt to leave, it's the right thing to do, you deserve more and you won't regret it. Don't let him bring you down.
Sorry if that's upsetting to read, but that's what my advice would be.
Hope everything works out. x
I'm 29 too and my Mum is an alcoholic (and has been for about 19 years). My experience is they are sneaky, lie and deceive you... just for another drink. Alcohol will always be part of their life, whether they give it up or not.
If my best friend sat me down and said to me what you have just said I'd say, although it's going to hurt to leave, it's the right thing to do, you deserve more and you won't regret it. Don't let him bring you down.
Sorry if that's upsetting to read, but that's what my advice would be.
Hope everything works out. x
Last edited by Ann; 03-31-2010 at 02:13 PM. Reason: Link not allowed
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
I love you therapist;
"I've spoken to my therapist about this whole thing, and she says that she has faith in my ability to determine when "enough is enough,"
To me this says it all, effective therapy takes the client to a place of healthy self-empowerment and accordingly effective decisions that we feel good about.
Hope all is well and getting better.
"I've spoken to my therapist about this whole thing, and she says that she has faith in my ability to determine when "enough is enough,"
To me this says it all, effective therapy takes the client to a place of healthy self-empowerment and accordingly effective decisions that we feel good about.
Hope all is well and getting better.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
- I told him I have three boundaries: I don’t want to interact with him if he’s drinking, I don’t want to interact with him if he’s intoxicated, and I don’t want him to lie to me about drinking. I also said that I’ll be there as long as he’s active in his recovery.
you stay at your home.
And he goes to his.
That's that 'distance' thing I keep talking about.
I think the boundaries you set up are clear
and defensible if need be.
You're not all that 'entangled' yet
and my meaning is financially
roof
car
etc.
I think it's a crapshoot really.
Because we can't determine what the other
person's dedication to their own sobriety is going to be.
But potential for growth? for learning?
whooHOOOOboyhaody.
grab a journal ...
and hang on.
I don't mean bad -
just mean the whole thing
big great times
big bad times.
big bored times.
Alcoholics don't do anything in the grey.
I think mindful actions
and heavy references to recovery
can be a great center
for a relationship to spiral around.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Something to ponderr: alcohol is an alcoholic's trigger and relationships are a codependents trigger.
You saying you love him after only 2 months may be equivalent to finding an empty bottle of booze in his back seat.
You saying you love him after only 2 months may be equivalent to finding an empty bottle of booze in his back seat.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
hey jessie,
welcome to sober recovery. you've probably already ascertained that this board is full of a lot of smart peeps.
it's so easy for me to sit in front of a computer screen, and even though i know you are real people out there, it is much easier to dole out advice without any emotional investment. i'd love to say:
he should not even BE dating yet, if he was a handful of months sober - doesn't he have a sponsor? he is falling into the classic move from addiction to alcohol to the high and security of falling in love. these are, in my opinion, two big red flags.
but!
i know what it feels like to care about something, and want to give them the benefit of the doubt, and believe in them and support them and build this wonderful relationship. maybe he IS "the one"?
what i know is, he's not just a 2-dimensional image (or name) on a computer screen - he's a real live person who has feelings for you, and you for him, and he certainly does have a chance of maintaining his sobriety. i heard once, years ago, that many people who have a relapse a short time out, have even stronger sobriety afterwards.
i guess, if i were to give you advice, it would be to look at those two flags, and to be aware of something you already know: you are in the infatuation stage. this takes, help me out, 6 months? 9 months? to start coming out of. right now even the way he picks his teeth is adorable. so keep your head on as straight as possible, don't have sex yet if you haven't already, and keep coming here.
welcome to sober recovery. you've probably already ascertained that this board is full of a lot of smart peeps.
it's so easy for me to sit in front of a computer screen, and even though i know you are real people out there, it is much easier to dole out advice without any emotional investment. i'd love to say:
he should not even BE dating yet, if he was a handful of months sober - doesn't he have a sponsor? he is falling into the classic move from addiction to alcohol to the high and security of falling in love. these are, in my opinion, two big red flags.
but!
i know what it feels like to care about something, and want to give them the benefit of the doubt, and believe in them and support them and build this wonderful relationship. maybe he IS "the one"?
what i know is, he's not just a 2-dimensional image (or name) on a computer screen - he's a real live person who has feelings for you, and you for him, and he certainly does have a chance of maintaining his sobriety. i heard once, years ago, that many people who have a relapse a short time out, have even stronger sobriety afterwards.
i guess, if i were to give you advice, it would be to look at those two flags, and to be aware of something you already know: you are in the infatuation stage. this takes, help me out, 6 months? 9 months? to start coming out of. right now even the way he picks his teeth is adorable. so keep your head on as straight as possible, don't have sex yet if you haven't already, and keep coming here.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
JESSIEV, Here is my feedback; hope something here is helpful to you.
Before I respond to specific things you have said, I just want to point something out to you that I understand only from having looked back on times in my life. You are 29 years old. This is the age by which MOST of us in this culture begin to long to settle down, get married, have a family, etc., whether or not we are conscious and aware of it. So, you must be "careful" because you can get severely emotionally attached to this person in response to very strong biological urges you probably are having.
Try to remain as emotionally detached as possible. Don't fall into the trap of believing you are "soulmates" or "meant to be together" or whatever. Do your best to stay in the present moment, avoid magical thinking, and fight any urges to view the alcoholic, yourself, or your situation as special or exceptional. Being "in love" is good but can go too far. Don't put him on a pedestal. If you are unable to do these things, any resultant pain and suffering will answer your question of whether or not to go to Al-Anon.
I have the sense that you are not going to cut and run, because you NEEDED life to bring this opportunity to you. We can say, think, feel, realize, understand, and discuss ALL WE WANT but until we PRACTICE it all in REAL life, OUTSIDE our heads and OUTSIDE the rooms, then what good is any of it? You get to it when you get to it and that is EXACTLY what you are doing.
Test out your strength, practice your boundary setting and communicating, and learn that he is only human. I guarantee you there is a life skill here that you have yet to learn, and THIS GUY has been sent to help you learn it. I believe that is why he is an old friend from high school and not some guy you just met--you are comfortable with him already, have an established sense of trust, and will be able to learn from HIM better than some "stranger."
You are wholly entitled to feel whatever you want to feel but why would YOU feel all these things because HE relapsed? What has he done to you? Have you been wronged in some way? Or did a man just relapse? Don't blow this out of proportion. If it's FEAR you feel, then feel it and get yourself to a meeting so that you can put it into perspective.
As I have grown and matured, I have realized that I have loved the people who have come into my life as deeply as I have, NOT so that I can GET WHAT I WANT or so that I can be right, but so that I can CARE FOR THEM in the MOST MATURE way possible. No, I don't mean careTAKING, babying, enabling, or any of that. I don't know how else to explain myself right now so I hope this is making sense. The long and short of it is, this is an opportunity for GROWTH, NOT an opportunity to RUN. In the end (assuming I have come to that), I have realized it is about being a true FRIEND to someone else, not about all the pain and suffering and wrong I have been caused.
You already know the answer to your question.
Before I respond to specific things you have said, I just want to point something out to you that I understand only from having looked back on times in my life. You are 29 years old. This is the age by which MOST of us in this culture begin to long to settle down, get married, have a family, etc., whether or not we are conscious and aware of it. So, you must be "careful" because you can get severely emotionally attached to this person in response to very strong biological urges you probably are having.
Try to remain as emotionally detached as possible. Don't fall into the trap of believing you are "soulmates" or "meant to be together" or whatever. Do your best to stay in the present moment, avoid magical thinking, and fight any urges to view the alcoholic, yourself, or your situation as special or exceptional. Being "in love" is good but can go too far. Don't put him on a pedestal. If you are unable to do these things, any resultant pain and suffering will answer your question of whether or not to go to Al-Anon.
- Part of me says to just cut and RUN. Get out NOW. Another part says to trust that I will be able to determine if things ever get to be too dramatic or painful, and I know that I’m capable of leaving a “nice but ****** up guy” because I’ve done it before, despite being very much in love and attached.
Test out your strength, practice your boundary setting and communicating, and learn that he is only human. I guarantee you there is a life skill here that you have yet to learn, and THIS GUY has been sent to help you learn it. I believe that is why he is an old friend from high school and not some guy you just met--you are comfortable with him already, have an established sense of trust, and will be able to learn from HIM better than some "stranger."
- I’m feeling hurt, stung, confused, disappointed. But I really am in love with this guy.
As I have grown and matured, I have realized that I have loved the people who have come into my life as deeply as I have, NOT so that I can GET WHAT I WANT or so that I can be right, but so that I can CARE FOR THEM in the MOST MATURE way possible. No, I don't mean careTAKING, babying, enabling, or any of that. I don't know how else to explain myself right now so I hope this is making sense. The long and short of it is, this is an opportunity for GROWTH, NOT an opportunity to RUN. In the end (assuming I have come to that), I have realized it is about being a true FRIEND to someone else, not about all the pain and suffering and wrong I have been caused.
You already know the answer to your question.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
P.S. I just want to add how IMPRESSED I am with you and all you have accomplished! Because by age 29 you:
At 29 I think I had only finished an associates. I will never go past a master's. You are a very intelligent woman to have accomplished this! You must not forget that, EVER.
At age 29, I had no IDEA that ANYTHING I had been doing was unhealthy (Being DRUNK since age 19 helped me be unaware).
At your age I was TOO DRUNK, TOO SCARED, and TOO MEAN to do ANY of this.
I am so happy to see HOW WELL you HAVE IT TOGETHER at such a young age. You should be PROUD of yourself and ALL you have accomplished. PLEASE do not let some man tear you down. NO relationship is worth allowing your self-esteem to degrade but it is more easily done than you imagine. Before you know it, it can be GONE, especially when dealing with alcoholics and addicts.
STAY AWARE of how dealing with an alcoholic can do this and PREVENT it from happening. Start by surrounding yourself with DAILY reminders of your accomplishments. This means keeping your degrees and evidence of other accomplishments in places where you see them every morning and every night. This means also putting pictures of yourself doing the great things you have done in picture frames and placing them in your living areas. This means avoiding toxic people and people who bring you down.
Maybe others have other ideas on how to avoid losing our self-esteem.
have a doctorate in psychology, and I’m currently collecting my postdoctoral hours.
- I’m an adult child of a dysfunctional family. I’m an only child, and while neither parent is an addict/alcoholic, many other relatives are/were.
- I have been in individual therapy for many years, and actively in Co-Dependents Anonymous for almost five years. I go to meetings regularly, hold service positions, have a sponsor, work the Steps, and sponsor a few women.
I am so happy to see HOW WELL you HAVE IT TOGETHER at such a young age. You should be PROUD of yourself and ALL you have accomplished. PLEASE do not let some man tear you down. NO relationship is worth allowing your self-esteem to degrade but it is more easily done than you imagine. Before you know it, it can be GONE, especially when dealing with alcoholics and addicts.
STAY AWARE of how dealing with an alcoholic can do this and PREVENT it from happening. Start by surrounding yourself with DAILY reminders of your accomplishments. This means keeping your degrees and evidence of other accomplishments in places where you see them every morning and every night. This means also putting pictures of yourself doing the great things you have done in picture frames and placing them in your living areas. This means avoiding toxic people and people who bring you down.
Maybe others have other ideas on how to avoid losing our self-esteem.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I am very very new in my recovery so you may want to take my observations with a grain of salt 
. I've also not embarked on any new relationships so I may not act the way I 'think' once I'm actually in the situation. I hope I do but I have not put it to the test so to speak.
My boundary personally, is that I no longer have intimate relationships with alcoholics. Way to complicated and painful. I'm done loving the underdog. Something to think about.
These make sense at first glance but I'm not sure how you move forward in a relationship with an alcoholic, and have these boundaries. Are you OK if he just drops off the map every few weeks when he is drinking? A binge drinker isn't like a man that just goes out of town every few weekends. The alcoholism causes all sorts of other problems that go on between the binges. All alcoholics lie about their drinking don't they? I thought it was a given.
I guess I'm just confused on why you would want to invest in a nice but *** up guy in the first place. Two months is about the amount of time it takes to know someone well enough to make a decision on if this is someone we should get to know more (not spend the rest of our lives with, just get to know more), or move on. This guy has a ton of work to do before he moves out of the **** stage. Look at your first post. You have so much to offer. You are worth a nice and together guy. Why not wait for that one. They are out there but if you are enmeshed with the **** guy you are not available to the together guy.
. I've also not embarked on any new relationships so I may not act the way I 'think' once I'm actually in the situation. I hope I do but I have not put it to the test so to speak.
- Three months ago I reconnected with a guy I knew in high school. Turns out he’s…wait for it…a recovering alcoholic. He’d been to inpatient rehab a while ago, and had 6 months sober when we got back into contact. Active in program and all that. We’ve been dating for about two months.
- We are very strongly attracted to one another. He has many, many qualities I look for in a guy (MUCH better than my first BF by a longshot), and he’s the first guy I’ve had genuine feelings for in a long time.
- We are very strongly attracted to one another. He has many, many qualities I look for in a guy (MUCH better than my first BF by a longshot), and he’s the first guy I’ve had genuine feelings for in a long time.
- I told him I have three boundaries: I don’t want to interact with him if he’s drinking, I don’t want to interact with him if he’s intoxicated, and I don’t want him to lie to me about drinking. I also said that I’ll be there as long as he’s active in his recovery.
- Part of me says to just cut and RUN. Get out NOW. Another part says to trust that I will be able to determine if things ever get to be too dramatic or painful, and I know that I’m capable of leaving a “nice but ****** up guy” because I’ve done it before, despite being very much in love and attached.
- I’m feeling hurt, stung, confused, disappointed. But I really am in love with this guy. We both agreed that if we’re gonna work through this we need to be honest with each other about our feelings, which we have so far.
- I’m feeling hurt, stung, confused, disappointed. But I really am in love with this guy. We both agreed that if we’re gonna work through this we need to be honest with each other about our feelings, which we have so far.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
I think you will be fine, no matter what your choice is. It sounds like you aren't deceiving yourself, and you trust yourself, so you just avoided two navigational errors that send lots of folks into bad waters.
If possible, you may want to try another AlAnon group-- they have vastly different personalities. I go to one that's a mix of males and females of varying ages, marital status, and orientations, and I like it a lot. I visited other groups that I would not have felt so comfortable with.
If possible, you may want to try another AlAnon group-- they have vastly different personalities. I go to one that's a mix of males and females of varying ages, marital status, and orientations, and I like it a lot. I visited other groups that I would not have felt so comfortable with.
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