Post Recovery Dysfunction
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Post Recovery Dysfunction
I have been thinking about this thread for a while now and I'm still not sure how to put it into words.
AH is in recovery and living 6 hours away in a homeless veteran's facility. It's a converted hotel and not like a homeless shelter. He is doing really good there and just finished a mini-semester of college course and earned 2 A's and a B. He is scheduled to begin another semester the Monday following Easter. He's been clean and sober and is off almost all of his meds except Suboxone which the doctors are mostly keeping him on so he also doesn't have to go back on any benzos for anxiety (multi-purpose for craving & a little pain control plus relieving anxiety).
We have visited twice since my kicking him out in July. Both times we've met, we have gone somewhere other than "home". He is coming for Easter this time and he's coming to the house. We just can't afford to meet out of town and stay in hotel rooms and eat out - not to mention the gas expense.
My older children (22 and 14 and not his) are going other places. Neither want to be anywhere near him. While I respect that, it is a holiday. They insist on not being at home but they are also making me feel guilty about spending a holiday without me.
Now I know since it is their choice to not be around that this is their problem. If they want to spend the holiday with me, they are welcome to be home and tolerate AH.
They ask me how I can possibly forgive him and they are happy to go down the laundry list of things he's done wrong, tick off the things he's stolen and pawned, reiterate the mean things he's said and done and while I need that reminder so I don't get sucked back in, I have forgiven him and do not want to live IN the past.
Now he's made amends to me and is working very hard to establish himself as a father, husband and breadwinner in the home. All things that he was incapable of being when he was active. I know that they will have a hard time forgiving unless he makes amends to them but its not my place to suggest to him that he do this. I think it will come but it will be on his timeline and not mine or theirs. I'm keeping my hands off his recovery and have expressed this to the kids on a number of occassions. I don't know if they are impatient or if they have so much anger and resentment toward him that they will never move past this. I still don't think AH see's just how much damage he's done to THEM or how much he has hurt them so I suppose my older children's repeated absences from all things "family" might clear that up.
I guess my issue is that I feel like I'm choosing. My husband and 3 year old over my two older kids. They tell me I am choosing him over them and I KNOW this isn't really the case. They are doing the choosing. They are welcome anytime (although secretly I hope they choose not to be around thus avoiding anything potentially very uncomfortable and strained).
What is everyone else's experience with forgiveness and family members?
Has anyone else been made to feel like they are choosing a spouse over a child or had an older child second-guess everything you do because of addiction?
P.S. My parents are also on the "We hate AH train" so I could faint wondering if they are going to stop by and say "Happy Easter". We are a strange family and don't do family get togethers in case anyone was wondering why we aren't feasting or Easter-egg huting with my extended family.
Does it get better? I can't even be happy because those kids are lined up to try and suck my joy out of me.
The other thing is that AH and I will not live together until he has one continous year of sobriety. Shouldn't that make them feel a little better?
AH is in recovery and living 6 hours away in a homeless veteran's facility. It's a converted hotel and not like a homeless shelter. He is doing really good there and just finished a mini-semester of college course and earned 2 A's and a B. He is scheduled to begin another semester the Monday following Easter. He's been clean and sober and is off almost all of his meds except Suboxone which the doctors are mostly keeping him on so he also doesn't have to go back on any benzos for anxiety (multi-purpose for craving & a little pain control plus relieving anxiety).
We have visited twice since my kicking him out in July. Both times we've met, we have gone somewhere other than "home". He is coming for Easter this time and he's coming to the house. We just can't afford to meet out of town and stay in hotel rooms and eat out - not to mention the gas expense.
My older children (22 and 14 and not his) are going other places. Neither want to be anywhere near him. While I respect that, it is a holiday. They insist on not being at home but they are also making me feel guilty about spending a holiday without me.
Now I know since it is their choice to not be around that this is their problem. If they want to spend the holiday with me, they are welcome to be home and tolerate AH.
They ask me how I can possibly forgive him and they are happy to go down the laundry list of things he's done wrong, tick off the things he's stolen and pawned, reiterate the mean things he's said and done and while I need that reminder so I don't get sucked back in, I have forgiven him and do not want to live IN the past.
Now he's made amends to me and is working very hard to establish himself as a father, husband and breadwinner in the home. All things that he was incapable of being when he was active. I know that they will have a hard time forgiving unless he makes amends to them but its not my place to suggest to him that he do this. I think it will come but it will be on his timeline and not mine or theirs. I'm keeping my hands off his recovery and have expressed this to the kids on a number of occassions. I don't know if they are impatient or if they have so much anger and resentment toward him that they will never move past this. I still don't think AH see's just how much damage he's done to THEM or how much he has hurt them so I suppose my older children's repeated absences from all things "family" might clear that up.
I guess my issue is that I feel like I'm choosing. My husband and 3 year old over my two older kids. They tell me I am choosing him over them and I KNOW this isn't really the case. They are doing the choosing. They are welcome anytime (although secretly I hope they choose not to be around thus avoiding anything potentially very uncomfortable and strained).
What is everyone else's experience with forgiveness and family members?
Has anyone else been made to feel like they are choosing a spouse over a child or had an older child second-guess everything you do because of addiction?
P.S. My parents are also on the "We hate AH train" so I could faint wondering if they are going to stop by and say "Happy Easter". We are a strange family and don't do family get togethers in case anyone was wondering why we aren't feasting or Easter-egg huting with my extended family.
Does it get better? I can't even be happy because those kids are lined up to try and suck my joy out of me.
The other thing is that AH and I will not live together until he has one continous year of sobriety. Shouldn't that make them feel a little better?
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Location: Seattle, WA
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I guess my issue is that I feel like I'm choosing.
I try to put my son first. In all that I do. Right now, that's how I judge whether what I am doing is the right thing or the wrong thing. It sure has taken the air out of my personal life but it hasn't sucked the "joy" out of my life. My joy is my son. He's more important than anything. So boys and relationships with men will just have to wait. But that's just me.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
i can only offer you my opinion and it's that my kid comes FIRST. i made the mistake in one short brief mistake of a relationship of NOT putting Renee first and i almost lost my mind AND my kid. i made a commitment as her mom to put her first and foremost, to not get side tracked until she was fully raised. children NEED us, depend upon us, we are their survival....other adults can fend for themselves.
Whether you agree with your older children's feelings and perceptions of him or not, MM, they have the right to feel as they do, and view him as they do.
I put my children second for far too many years for the sake of what I wanted (relationships, and never healthy ones).
It wasn't until my ex-fiance walked out that I saw, for the first time in my life, the pain in Amber's face, the pain she was suffering because of decisions that I made without her best interest in mind. It was no longer about me and what I wanted.
Just as actions speak louder than words where the addict is concerned, so it also is with our children as they watch us.
In my humble opinion, those kids have been through enough, and need a supportive mother to acknowledge their pain, and accept that their forgiveness time table is not the same as yours. They may never forgive.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
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I'm going to chime in too - because addict or not, like Anvil and others pointed out, blended families are difficult - with "normal" issues. Kids are going to feel protective of their parents, and until they get to an age where they can understand...
When my dad remarried, I got a step-mom and step-siblings. I am the one that felt like an outsider when I went to be with him. Now, I am an adult, and now I can handle it. When I was in my late 20's my Dad and I talked about his relationship and I said I would no longer visit him but respected his decision - I could handle it, when I was younger, not so much. Addiction or no addiction, blended families take extra care and balance - and kids... well, until they are well on their way and can understand a "whole" picture - and even that I say cautiously as I think we are always protective of our parents if we are close....
Not chiming in on whether I think you are making the right choice or not, that's not my call. Just remembering ...
When my dad remarried, I got a step-mom and step-siblings. I am the one that felt like an outsider when I went to be with him. Now, I am an adult, and now I can handle it. When I was in my late 20's my Dad and I talked about his relationship and I said I would no longer visit him but respected his decision - I could handle it, when I was younger, not so much. Addiction or no addiction, blended families take extra care and balance - and kids... well, until they are well on their way and can understand a "whole" picture - and even that I say cautiously as I think we are always protective of our parents if we are close....
Not chiming in on whether I think you are making the right choice or not, that's not my call. Just remembering ...
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
MM-
Looking at it from a bit of a different perspective.
I think of my home as a sacred place. A safe place. I may have to tolerate others, be around people I do not like or trust, OUTSIDE my home. But not here.
It is a huge boundary for me.
I expect the same for everyone else who lives with me. (At this point that is my two son's)
Keeping it simple. I just don't think it is all that hard to get along. To treat other people with respect.
Think of it this way- Is it okay with you, if they bring someone into your home, who hurt you or one of your other kids? Stole from them? Lied to them? What if THEY forgave them and trusted them, but you and your other kids did not?
If your husband has not made his ammends. Worked to repair the damage he caused with your son's. Then it looks to me like that is his problem.
Holidays to me are in a way more for the kids. Your 3 year old has had some rough one's already. Dad not being around will not be unusual. Heck she won't know if you tell her tuesday is Easter.
Your older son's will. And you don't have many years left where you CAN expect to spend the holidays with them.
Your husband chose this. Your kids did not.
ONE person should not cause such dissention in a family. I'm guessing the rest of you get along okay? No problems with the 4 of you? No walking on eggshells or distrust?
Enjoy easter with your kids. Go see your husband on another day. If he is in it for the long haul, you will have plenty of time in the future!
Looking at it from a bit of a different perspective.
I think of my home as a sacred place. A safe place. I may have to tolerate others, be around people I do not like or trust, OUTSIDE my home. But not here.
It is a huge boundary for me.
I expect the same for everyone else who lives with me. (At this point that is my two son's)
Keeping it simple. I just don't think it is all that hard to get along. To treat other people with respect.
Think of it this way- Is it okay with you, if they bring someone into your home, who hurt you or one of your other kids? Stole from them? Lied to them? What if THEY forgave them and trusted them, but you and your other kids did not?
If your husband has not made his ammends. Worked to repair the damage he caused with your son's. Then it looks to me like that is his problem.
Holidays to me are in a way more for the kids. Your 3 year old has had some rough one's already. Dad not being around will not be unusual. Heck she won't know if you tell her tuesday is Easter.
Your older son's will. And you don't have many years left where you CAN expect to spend the holidays with them.
Your husband chose this. Your kids did not.
ONE person should not cause such dissention in a family. I'm guessing the rest of you get along okay? No problems with the 4 of you? No walking on eggshells or distrust?
Enjoy easter with your kids. Go see your husband on another day. If he is in it for the long haul, you will have plenty of time in the future!
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Thank you for your input and Callie, Anvil and Freedom - I commend your memories!!
My daughter is 22. She lived in Puerto Rico for a year and another city 2 hours aways for year while going to school. She just moved back home last summer and is planning on moving out by the fall. We are very co-dependent on each other and I've been trying to put some boundaries in place.
My son is almost 15 and his father and I have joint custody. He is at his father's more than he's at my house and he has always wanted to live with him. Always - they are very close - almost inseperable. I've always thought that children need their mothers, especially during the early years but as he especially gets older, I realize that we rarely do things together because I have no interest in what interests him (racing high-end remote control cars, paint ball, hunting, camping, etc.)
They have been put through hell in many ways but they have also been spared and spoiled in many others ways.
AH is coming home but only for the weekend. My daughter is staying at a friends house while the friend is out of town and my son will be with his dad. They will probably go camping. They are not exactly going to be roughing it which is why I don't get the guilt. If AH wasn't coming to town, they wouldn't be concerned with what I would would be doing this Easter - they might still be doing the same things they already have planned. And, it's just a visit, it just happens to be a three-day weekend for me, on a holiday and just happens to be the weekend in between semesters.
AH has encouraged me to encourage the older kids to join us for Easter. He is a smart man and very familiar with recovery protocol so I'm sure he wouldn't expect the step-kids to throw their arms open and welcome him home. I think this is very brave on his part because he knows that a tough audience he will have. He probably plans on a heartfelt amends and just like with me, I'm sure he'll want living amends as well but what if they never allow him that opportunity?
My 22 year old has made reference to him needing to apologize and while I agree, I cannot facilitate nor will I be a messenger. I asked her how he could do that if she was constantly unavailable. She wants a letter. Not my job to suggest that is it? I don't want to run interferance between my daughter and husband.
Let me also point out that the 22 year olds father was an abusive, drug addicted, alcoholic with 9 back to back DUI's who had to blow into his steering wheel to drive. He became a successful business man although nobody knew his past. He had no relationship whatsoever with her until she was about 10 and then when she was 12, disowned her because she couldn't come to his wedding. She begged him to "forgive her" and they had a love/hate relationship until she turned 16 and needed a car. He died when she was 18 - he wouldn't allow her to see him before he died. He wanted to see his new wife and kids. Now, my daughter has placed him high on a pedestool because not only did he die from cancer - he got his life together after years of beating me, breaking up bars, wrecking havoc on the community and serving 2 years on jail (for the DUI's). She FORGAVE him and now wants to give him some sort of reward. Big ole double-standard but I understand the biological connection.
Son's dad has his issues too. He's been evicted from almost every place he's lived for non-payment, he's had 3 vehicles repossesed. He's the good time guy! He'll go buy a half gallon of vodka, go camping and fishing before paying his light bill or child support and yet he's a hero.
I think it's the double-standard that irritates me. My son wants me to get back together with his dad. We've been divorced for 11 years. I don't want to be with his dad. I want to be married to my husband and my daughter's father - as long as he stays in recovery and participates in being a contributing part of our family. If he can't do that then we have nothing to talk about.
It's the double-standard. It's the very unhealthy relationship I have with my 22 year old daughter and my son's unrelenting expectation that my ex and I should live happily ever after despite being divorced for 11 years.
This blended family thing sucks. I used to terrorize my step-dad too and tell my mom lies about him thinking she might leave him for us. 15 years ago, I gave my son, my step-father's name. Things change. Kids grow up. People heal and some even recover. Right?
My daughter is 22. She lived in Puerto Rico for a year and another city 2 hours aways for year while going to school. She just moved back home last summer and is planning on moving out by the fall. We are very co-dependent on each other and I've been trying to put some boundaries in place.
My son is almost 15 and his father and I have joint custody. He is at his father's more than he's at my house and he has always wanted to live with him. Always - they are very close - almost inseperable. I've always thought that children need their mothers, especially during the early years but as he especially gets older, I realize that we rarely do things together because I have no interest in what interests him (racing high-end remote control cars, paint ball, hunting, camping, etc.)
They have been put through hell in many ways but they have also been spared and spoiled in many others ways.
AH is coming home but only for the weekend. My daughter is staying at a friends house while the friend is out of town and my son will be with his dad. They will probably go camping. They are not exactly going to be roughing it which is why I don't get the guilt. If AH wasn't coming to town, they wouldn't be concerned with what I would would be doing this Easter - they might still be doing the same things they already have planned. And, it's just a visit, it just happens to be a three-day weekend for me, on a holiday and just happens to be the weekend in between semesters.
AH has encouraged me to encourage the older kids to join us for Easter. He is a smart man and very familiar with recovery protocol so I'm sure he wouldn't expect the step-kids to throw their arms open and welcome him home. I think this is very brave on his part because he knows that a tough audience he will have. He probably plans on a heartfelt amends and just like with me, I'm sure he'll want living amends as well but what if they never allow him that opportunity?
My 22 year old has made reference to him needing to apologize and while I agree, I cannot facilitate nor will I be a messenger. I asked her how he could do that if she was constantly unavailable. She wants a letter. Not my job to suggest that is it? I don't want to run interferance between my daughter and husband.
Let me also point out that the 22 year olds father was an abusive, drug addicted, alcoholic with 9 back to back DUI's who had to blow into his steering wheel to drive. He became a successful business man although nobody knew his past. He had no relationship whatsoever with her until she was about 10 and then when she was 12, disowned her because she couldn't come to his wedding. She begged him to "forgive her" and they had a love/hate relationship until she turned 16 and needed a car. He died when she was 18 - he wouldn't allow her to see him before he died. He wanted to see his new wife and kids. Now, my daughter has placed him high on a pedestool because not only did he die from cancer - he got his life together after years of beating me, breaking up bars, wrecking havoc on the community and serving 2 years on jail (for the DUI's). She FORGAVE him and now wants to give him some sort of reward. Big ole double-standard but I understand the biological connection.
Son's dad has his issues too. He's been evicted from almost every place he's lived for non-payment, he's had 3 vehicles repossesed. He's the good time guy! He'll go buy a half gallon of vodka, go camping and fishing before paying his light bill or child support and yet he's a hero.
I think it's the double-standard that irritates me. My son wants me to get back together with his dad. We've been divorced for 11 years. I don't want to be with his dad. I want to be married to my husband and my daughter's father - as long as he stays in recovery and participates in being a contributing part of our family. If he can't do that then we have nothing to talk about.
It's the double-standard. It's the very unhealthy relationship I have with my 22 year old daughter and my son's unrelenting expectation that my ex and I should live happily ever after despite being divorced for 11 years.
This blended family thing sucks. I used to terrorize my step-dad too and tell my mom lies about him thinking she might leave him for us. 15 years ago, I gave my son, my step-father's name. Things change. Kids grow up. People heal and some even recover. Right?
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Join Date: May 2008
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MM - You're in a tough situation no matter how you cut it if you stay with AH. It's a no win situation any way that you look at it. I was going to post last night, but don't know that I have the words right yet.
If he's coming for Easter, enjoy the day. I can definately understand your dd and ds's stance, but it puts you in the middle as well. I know that if I even thought about taking AH back after everything that he's done I'd have he(( to pay with my family. I can't imagine what you must be feeling to have everyone against you. They are against you because they love you and want the best for you. They had a front row seat to see him terrorize you with everything that he did. It's all so fresh still.
If he's coming for Easter, enjoy the day. I can definately understand your dd and ds's stance, but it puts you in the middle as well. I know that if I even thought about taking AH back after everything that he's done I'd have he(( to pay with my family. I can't imagine what you must be feeling to have everyone against you. They are against you because they love you and want the best for you. They had a front row seat to see him terrorize you with everything that he did. It's all so fresh still.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
They are also reinforcing their personal boundaries of not allowing someone who has hurt and stolen from them back into their inner circle. This sounds like recovery to me…and I would be proud of them.
Good point - didn't look at it that way! I've actually tried to get them to come to Celebrate Recovery. My daughter came a few times and actually liked it. She said she sorta "got it" but then she stopped. I don't think she wants to "get it".
My son is in counseling. He has a whole team of people working with him trying to help him sort out his feelings and work through his problems including that he's failing the 8th grade (which started long before the issues with AH).
The lady I hired to babysit the three year old last night has 6 years of sobriety. All the kids love her and thinks she walks on water. She was a drug addict. My best friend is getting ready to celebrate 5 years of sobriety. She was a drug addict and alcoholic. All my friends are in recovery and I think the thing I want to the kids to acknowledge is that these whom they love and admire are in recovery and living better than they ever have lived but that they hurt a parade of people in their addiction. They lost children, served time, relapsed multiple times, went missing for years, etc. and now they are productive, law-abiding, Christian people. Is is possible. I look at them and I look at ya'll and I see success. I know its possible and I know that those of you who have that good clean time didn't get cart blanche trust just because you got clean for a little while and I'm sure nobody threw you a parade.
AH is not working. He's still getting unemployment which is actually perfect while he's in school. He is looking for a part-time job or even a full-time job that he can work around his school schedule. Work was not an option with the Mini-Semester because each class was 4 hours long 2 times per week.
When his unemployment was re-established, he did send a couple hundred dollars and he has done that a few times.
The plan is for him to save money (while contributing to the baby's support) to fund a move and/or a new place to live (deposit, first month's rent, and moving expenses). The only bill he has besides his auto insurance is his cell phone whereas I have everything house related. Beyond that, before we live under the same roof, he has to be working and working a job that will support me and the baby should I not be able to find a job right away when we move. I won't go back into a marriage where I am the sole bread-winner. I just won't. I'm not made that way.
Besides meetings, AH see's a pschyiatrist once a week and a psychologist (or vice versa). He is drug tested weekly by the VA and the facility where he is living, breathalyzes every night at 9:00 p.m. and again if they sign out and sign back in after 9:00 p.m. He's keeping his side of the street clean and we are talking about things like we used to before things got nutty.
I am still doing a few meetings a week, in a step study and seeing a counselor as well. Everyone has been really supportive except my kids and mom. My mom and I aren't close and she doesn't like AH cause she can't bully him into doing things her way or just because she says so.
I am cautiously optimistic but don't plan on doing anything until later this year, if at all. Remember - one year clean (October) or very very darn close. There can't be a race to the "finish line". It may take longer. There are still many things I have to see and witness before declare that all is well. Shoot! I have a lot more work to do on myself before I believe I'll be in any shape to resume a marriage, especially with an addict. I'm not ready for more than a few visits right now.
Good point - didn't look at it that way! I've actually tried to get them to come to Celebrate Recovery. My daughter came a few times and actually liked it. She said she sorta "got it" but then she stopped. I don't think she wants to "get it".
My son is in counseling. He has a whole team of people working with him trying to help him sort out his feelings and work through his problems including that he's failing the 8th grade (which started long before the issues with AH).
The lady I hired to babysit the three year old last night has 6 years of sobriety. All the kids love her and thinks she walks on water. She was a drug addict. My best friend is getting ready to celebrate 5 years of sobriety. She was a drug addict and alcoholic. All my friends are in recovery and I think the thing I want to the kids to acknowledge is that these whom they love and admire are in recovery and living better than they ever have lived but that they hurt a parade of people in their addiction. They lost children, served time, relapsed multiple times, went missing for years, etc. and now they are productive, law-abiding, Christian people. Is is possible. I look at them and I look at ya'll and I see success. I know its possible and I know that those of you who have that good clean time didn't get cart blanche trust just because you got clean for a little while and I'm sure nobody threw you a parade.
AH is not working. He's still getting unemployment which is actually perfect while he's in school. He is looking for a part-time job or even a full-time job that he can work around his school schedule. Work was not an option with the Mini-Semester because each class was 4 hours long 2 times per week.
When his unemployment was re-established, he did send a couple hundred dollars and he has done that a few times.
The plan is for him to save money (while contributing to the baby's support) to fund a move and/or a new place to live (deposit, first month's rent, and moving expenses). The only bill he has besides his auto insurance is his cell phone whereas I have everything house related. Beyond that, before we live under the same roof, he has to be working and working a job that will support me and the baby should I not be able to find a job right away when we move. I won't go back into a marriage where I am the sole bread-winner. I just won't. I'm not made that way.
Besides meetings, AH see's a pschyiatrist once a week and a psychologist (or vice versa). He is drug tested weekly by the VA and the facility where he is living, breathalyzes every night at 9:00 p.m. and again if they sign out and sign back in after 9:00 p.m. He's keeping his side of the street clean and we are talking about things like we used to before things got nutty.
I am still doing a few meetings a week, in a step study and seeing a counselor as well. Everyone has been really supportive except my kids and mom. My mom and I aren't close and she doesn't like AH cause she can't bully him into doing things her way or just because she says so.
I am cautiously optimistic but don't plan on doing anything until later this year, if at all. Remember - one year clean (October) or very very darn close. There can't be a race to the "finish line". It may take longer. There are still many things I have to see and witness before declare that all is well. Shoot! I have a lot more work to do on myself before I believe I'll be in any shape to resume a marriage, especially with an addict. I'm not ready for more than a few visits right now.
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Join Date: May 2006
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((MM))
what a mess are lives can end up being huh?
as I was reading your post - the life history - I was thinking - geez - there she goes again - telling my story!!
As I was reading all of this the one thing that came to mind for me was BALANCE.
You know we seem to run from that word so often when it is actually what we need.
So if I'm understanding right - the older kids may already have some plans for the weekend/Sunday with others - Maybe you can balance your time.
Maybe Sat/Sun am can be with AH and younger child and then when AH has to back to his place - You can have Sunday afternoon with all 3 of your children and maybe even your parents too - A relaxing peaceful (no potential explosion) evening celebrating the holiday. It would require compromise on everyone's part - but hey that's what recovery, blended families and LIFE is all about right?
Prayers and BIG HUGS to you!!!
Rita
what a mess are lives can end up being huh?
as I was reading your post - the life history - I was thinking - geez - there she goes again - telling my story!!
As I was reading all of this the one thing that came to mind for me was BALANCE.
You know we seem to run from that word so often when it is actually what we need.
So if I'm understanding right - the older kids may already have some plans for the weekend/Sunday with others - Maybe you can balance your time.
Maybe Sat/Sun am can be with AH and younger child and then when AH has to back to his place - You can have Sunday afternoon with all 3 of your children and maybe even your parents too - A relaxing peaceful (no potential explosion) evening celebrating the holiday. It would require compromise on everyone's part - but hey that's what recovery, blended families and LIFE is all about right?
Prayers and BIG HUGS to you!!!
Rita
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Rita, AH is living 6 hours away in a "sober house" type situation. He has a 3 night pass from Friday through Monday so he will leave Monday morning to make the drive back. I know all this is hard to follow.
Yes! Balance. If it's any consolation, the kids got me Thanksgiving and Christmas. AH was not even an option. He had to tough those out all on his own. And yes, my son was already going to be at his dad's only now I'll ask that he stay one more night which he probably would have done anyway because I just found out that they don't go back to school until Tuesday.
Yes, possibly moving one day. I have wanted to "get out of here" for a while now and I've always dreamed of living in the mountains. I think if things work out, a change of scenery and as fresh of a start as we can get might be in order. The job market here stinks, stinks, stinks. I haven't done any research to see if its any better or worse there so it might not even be an option. The cost of living is much more affordable there than it is here at the beach. I live in a tourist town and the locals can't keep up with the housing market because retirees from other parts of the country are buying and driving prices up. My job is shakey at best too. I worry.
Yes! Balance. If it's any consolation, the kids got me Thanksgiving and Christmas. AH was not even an option. He had to tough those out all on his own. And yes, my son was already going to be at his dad's only now I'll ask that he stay one more night which he probably would have done anyway because I just found out that they don't go back to school until Tuesday.
Yes, possibly moving one day. I have wanted to "get out of here" for a while now and I've always dreamed of living in the mountains. I think if things work out, a change of scenery and as fresh of a start as we can get might be in order. The job market here stinks, stinks, stinks. I haven't done any research to see if its any better or worse there so it might not even be an option. The cost of living is much more affordable there than it is here at the beach. I live in a tourist town and the locals can't keep up with the housing market because retirees from other parts of the country are buying and driving prices up. My job is shakey at best too. I worry.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Oh.....moving is something that I will probably most likely do with my husband. I don't know if I'll move there are we will relocate all together but I'm not sure that living here with all the memories is an option. I just don't know yet what the future holds.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
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All my friends are in recovery and I think the thing I want to the kids to acknowledge is that these whom they love and admire are in recovery and living better than they ever have lived but that they hurt a parade of people in their addiction.
Try not to be surprised if you and he get back together and they make a hasty exit.
They'll deal with their pain in their own way, their own time.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: atlanta
Posts: 90
MM I hope this works out for everybody in the long run, I too have felt the pull between my EXAH and kids.
My oldest son 22 also had the same type of feelings about the man who raised him but also tore our world apart with his addiction. He just could not comprehend the fact that I had so much compassion for the person that broke my heart time and again.
He and I had many discussions about forgiveness and compassion, I am a firm believer that forgiving another person is for YOU not the other person. But what I tried to consider was this: If someone had repeatedly hurt, lied to, devistated, etc. one of my kids, I dont think I would have warm and fuzzies for them either, and probably wouldnt want to be around them maybe even after I forgave them for their wrongs.
I totally agree with Cynical One, it is a form of detachment, it is also what i condsider "self-preservation", something I've been practicing for awhile now. It makes it hurt less IF you are disappointed again.
My oldest son 22 also had the same type of feelings about the man who raised him but also tore our world apart with his addiction. He just could not comprehend the fact that I had so much compassion for the person that broke my heart time and again.
He and I had many discussions about forgiveness and compassion, I am a firm believer that forgiving another person is for YOU not the other person. But what I tried to consider was this: If someone had repeatedly hurt, lied to, devistated, etc. one of my kids, I dont think I would have warm and fuzzies for them either, and probably wouldnt want to be around them maybe even after I forgave them for their wrongs.
I totally agree with Cynical One, it is a form of detachment, it is also what i condsider "self-preservation", something I've been practicing for awhile now. It makes it hurt less IF you are disappointed again.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((MM))
I see - that does make a difference.
No matter how it works out, Honey - I pray that your weekend is filled with Peace, Love, Serenity, SANITY and Acceptance - from ALL that you spend time with!!
Seems like you will definitely need your tools of the program to help you take care of YOU in dealing with everyone - kids, family, or anyone else.
Prayers and HUGS to you!!
Rita
I see - that does make a difference.
No matter how it works out, Honey - I pray that your weekend is filled with Peace, Love, Serenity, SANITY and Acceptance - from ALL that you spend time with!!
Seems like you will definitely need your tools of the program to help you take care of YOU in dealing with everyone - kids, family, or anyone else.
Prayers and HUGS to you!!
Rita
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
MM,
If I were asked to take sides, I'd have to side with your older children. They have wounds, and have likely felt in the past that you "chose" your husband over them. I know it's not really this way, and it's more complicated than that, but I would guess, given the intensity of falling in love, and then marrying and creating another family, that this has been their experience.
I can't even be happy because those kids are lined up to try and suck my joy out of me.
I would guess on this comment, that your children aren't really out to get you, as your statement would make it seem.
All children are - to one degree or another - protective of their parents. So that's probably factoring in with the cold shoulders as well.
My 22 year old has made reference to him needing to apologize and while I agree, I cannot facilitate nor will I be a messenger. I asked her how he could do that if she was constantly unavailable.
Methinks that this statement indicates a bit of shifting. Just a reminder, that she is not one smidge, not an iota, responsible for his making amends. You are right, he doesn't need you to help facilitate, or even suggest anything. By that same token, you don't need to be his defense attorney on this stuff.
If it's any consolation, the kids got me Thanksgiving and Christmas
My kids would "get me" each and every holiday, if I didn't share them with my ex. I know you two are legally married, and have a family, but I always ask my children about including my ABF in family functions and holidays.
If I were asked to take sides, I'd have to side with your older children. They have wounds, and have likely felt in the past that you "chose" your husband over them. I know it's not really this way, and it's more complicated than that, but I would guess, given the intensity of falling in love, and then marrying and creating another family, that this has been their experience.
I can't even be happy because those kids are lined up to try and suck my joy out of me.
I would guess on this comment, that your children aren't really out to get you, as your statement would make it seem.
All children are - to one degree or another - protective of their parents. So that's probably factoring in with the cold shoulders as well.
My 22 year old has made reference to him needing to apologize and while I agree, I cannot facilitate nor will I be a messenger. I asked her how he could do that if she was constantly unavailable.
Methinks that this statement indicates a bit of shifting. Just a reminder, that she is not one smidge, not an iota, responsible for his making amends. You are right, he doesn't need you to help facilitate, or even suggest anything. By that same token, you don't need to be his defense attorney on this stuff.
If it's any consolation, the kids got me Thanksgiving and Christmas
My kids would "get me" each and every holiday, if I didn't share them with my ex. I know you two are legally married, and have a family, but I always ask my children about including my ABF in family functions and holidays.
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