posiesperson

Tomorrow is my individual session with the couples' therapist, the one who said that the conflict with my A is "healthy" and "helps (us) grow." After almost 4 weeks of minimal contact (e-mail only, for the purpose of arranging the next counseling session) I'm feeling strong, but not so much so that I'm not afraid of falling back into the black hole of emotions. Ugh. It has been SO painful at times, and I finally feel like I'm getting better. I think I'm ready to hand back the belongings, wrap this thing up and grieve with the sense of finality I need in order to move on with my life.

In the last 4 weeks I've begun to find a life of my own filled with healthy people who have stepped up to be there for me in positive ways and through positive activities. I've cried and prayed and let myself feel the agony of the pain and anger. I've felt the fatigue and intolerance of the drama, the lies, the self-betrayal. I've faced my fear of being alone and found that I'm not alone after all (thanks to Alanon, my sponsor, my friends and all of YOU!).

My A won't even be in the office with me tomorrow but there's this aching fear that I won't be able to be strong enough to hold the boundaries I want to establish and keep. The "what ifs" are plaguing me: What if I fall back into that hole, only to find that I have to begin climbing out again? What if this therapist (whom I respect very much) convinces me it's best for me to try again? What if I come home in such agony I can't handle the fatigue along with juggling the responsibilities in my life? Oh, I don't want to have to do all of this all over again, but WHAT IF I have to in order to get to a healthier place? What if I can't handle the subsequent couples' session next week and so I let my guard down?

It all seems so ridiculous as I type this. I get myself all mixed up. Today is hard, so I'm posting and have set up a meeting with my sponsor later on...

Desperately seeking words of wisdom,
posie

stella27

Here are your words of wisdom from me:

One day at a time.
Sometimes it's one hour at a time
And sometimes it's one minute at a time.

All I know is that your couples' session next week is not before you right now. You do not need to become caught up and overwrought over that session.

Just try to go into tomorrow's session with an open mind - and a written list of your boundaries, if necessary.

Our counselor advised us to reconcile and it felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I tried it anyway, but it only lasted 5 days before he was drunk again and I could ask him to leave knowing that I had done all that I could do to fix the problem.

But you don't HAVE to do anything the counselor says. Just listen and ask questions. Neither of these men get to tell you how you are going to live your one life.

((hugs))

alanonicnov2008

Your counselor is from what school of thought? No counselor has ever advised me to stay with someone, particularly someone actively using.

I would trust your gut over the counselor. Unless there is something you aren't mentioning (along the lines of you are totally financially dependent and have 10 kids).

LaTeeDa

Trust yourself. You cannot just "fall" back into the hole. If you choose to go back, you do it consciously. We make choices every day, from small ones like what to eat for lunch, to huge ones like committing to a relationship.

It's not easy to trust yourself, but one thing that helped me was to do nothing if I wasn't sure. If you aren't ready to make a conscious choice one way or the other, and then own that choice, then do nothing. There is no hurry. You can wait to make a choice when you are ready.

L

coyote21

Your post about "falling into the black hole" again sparked my memory of a story I've seen on here from time to time over the years.

I found it pertinent enough to copy to my desktop with other "nuggets" of wisdom. Here it is, maybe it'll help you or some one else.

THE HOLE

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep whole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in…it’s a habit…but,
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault.
I get out immediately,

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.


Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

MaryGoRound

this was great. really, thank you.

transformyself

Try writing down what you want to say and taking it in with you.
Hold fast to this growth and new found strength. Fight for it. You're stronger than you think you are.

naive

hi posiesperson-

try not to project into the future. the future doesn't yet exist (except perhaps in your mind). stay present, stay open and keep your mind out of negative projections.

and don't forget, this is a journey of self discovery!

who knows, you might surprise yourself with your courage, honesty and capacity for compassion.

i find it helpful to look at conflict as an opportunity.

it's when the going gets tough that we know what we are made of and have an opportunity to grow and blossom.

and i'll second the advice above...it's your life...you get to make your own choice as to what decisions you make...the counselor is only there to assist..

you are free...right now.

naive

MeHandle

I learned and found that mixed feeling, confusion if you will, meant to stay away from from the relationship.I was still to confused to hold to an objective decision. For me, when the confusion left , what was revealed was to stay away.

posiesperson

Thanks for the responses. Today is so much better than yesterday, I think that was some sort of terrible passage for me that yes, made me stronger.

I met with the therapist and after listening to me she asked what I need. After talking for quite a while it comes down to this: the only way I can truly love my A is to let go, because while there is drinking and the accompanying behaviors the relationship will never be enough for me. I cried.

After disclosing some specific details about the drinking (that hadn't been brought up in the couples' sessions for various reasons) I asked the therapist about why she said at the last session that this was "healthy conflict". She explained her stance, believes that we had the basic ingredients for making this relationship work, IF alcohol was not involved (now knowing what she knows after having talked about it today). Anything else, including the affair my A had just before we got together (and wanted to continue to maintain contact with that person), was potentially workable...but alcoholism is not workable when there is no recovery going on. I felt validated.

She told me to be strong in my stance next week when we have the combined session--basically, to be prepared to say in no uncertain terms what I need and want. I'm counting on y'all to send me prayers, good thoughts and strength, so I can wrap this up and grieve. Sigh. It feels heavy on me tonight.

And then I want to move on with my life and find what I deserve and want for myself and my children. D*mn, that feels good to type. Here's hoping my HP and the upcoming week brings me all of the strength and clarity I need to make it happen. I'm counting on it!

Hugs,
posie