aboutdone

Do you ever feel like, throwing yur hands up, and saying, oh what the hell, I ust can't win for losing???

Thats me today. My life was going along pretty good, trying to focus on only what I can control, and then all the things I can't control, came tumbling down on me, all at once this morning.

My car was repo'd, when the payment was due yesterday, my recovering XAH and I have been living together mostly for the last 5 months, and he was supposed to get up and watch kids so I could go to job interview, and he didn't, I was just awarded a sizable child support increase last month along with a prorated amount owed to me, and apparently out of spite, that EX decided not to pay any of it.

So, here I sit, just shaking my head, wondering WTF else is going to go wrong today???

So in regards to the forum category, XRAH and I broke up, and I told him to leave my apt. He has been sober for 8 months, and I swear every day that goes by, is just one day closer to him slipping back into old habits. We have come full circle, from the active drinker leaving me when I was 2 wks away from having our baby, to me filling for divorce, he went to rehab, I had a friend, then he had a friend, then he wanted back, then I gave him a chance, and then he was so sorry for everything he ever did, and was going to always put me and our daughter first, to now he sleeps til around 1pm goes to work at 2pm, gets off at 1am, and has went back to the man before, who is a very selfish self centered individual.

I am sure that at some point, I am at fault for ever allowing this crap to start again.

It makes me so darn mad, because I find myself questioning, does he just do the stuff on purpose? This is the second job interview I have had that he has said he would watch the kids while I went, and then didn't. It seems to me, that he is completely unreliable, yet says I should trust him?

I'm on the merry go round, and I think I am dizzy enough to get off and sit it out for awhile. What drives me freaking bonkers, is when we were done, and going through the divorce, he miraculously knew exactly what to say and do to be the caring, loving, kind, sober, man and father. Then months later, he has went back to the standard answer of, well I don't know what you expect from me.

As he was leaving today, I asked him what kind of visitation he would like to have with our daughter, as I have sole custody and there was no established parenting plan in the divorce, as we seemed to be placing our daughters best interests first. He told me, he didn't know, but would write something down, and left.

So I guess the time out will tell alot. Previously I offered him time with her on a daily basis, however, I think at this point, the burden of being a father is on him. It is up to him, to make arrangements to see his daughter. He has been a good dad to her so far, but when I look at it, he stayed the last or 5 months at my apt nearly every night, so he didn't have to make any effort to see her, other than get out of bed in the morning, which recently has proven to be too big of an effort for him.

Sorry this turned into a big vent session. I just want to go scream to the world, whoever is next to stick it to me, rip me off, use me, abuse me, please get in line TODAY, because tomorrow Super B is waking up, and I just don't have time for it. So get your last kicks and laughs today.

aboutdone

And sorry about the typos and spelling. Right at the end of my post, I spiilled an entire cup of coffee on the keyboard and just noticed that while drying and trying to fix stuff I typed I missed a few things. Dang what a day.

TakingCharge999

That is when one starts to compare their words with their actions and go "mmmh... they match 100%... NOT!" Seeing the actions instead of the words is a great "power" to own.

Can't you reschedule your interview?

aboutdone

Anvil,

I always love your posts. You always bring out the 2X4. LOL. Oh, yes, its quite complicated. The recovering XAH is the one who has his own place, yet has no furniture or vehicle, as I was awarded all of it in the divorce. We have a 9 month old together. The previous EX is the one owing the CS who hasn't paid, and I have a 4,6 and 16yr old with him.

I might add, that I just had the recovering XAH's 4 children from a previous marriage at my apt for the last 5 days, and I took care of them while he was at work. So, yes, I am ticked off, that he wasn't able to get up and watch the 4yr old and our baby this morning.

Yes, I got off track. I struggle immensely with putting me first, and trying to maintain a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. I do not disagree with AlAnon principles, or AAs. Yet at times it seems selfish, and I am not sure how to make it all work. Then the part of my mind that says a normal relationship is a "give and take" sort of thing, starts trying to accept that sacrifices are made in a relationship. I begin to start rationalizing the RXAH should be entitled to sleep all day if he likes, and most days I allow and never say a word, then when something important comes up, I get burned, and I wonder WTH???

I don't think I am without fault. In fact, I have again enabled the behavior of people walking all over me.

To me there is a fine line, between being a caring and considerate person, and people then taking full advantage of that. I don't like being a B, but it has just come down to that.

Does that make sense?? I leave little open doors, and it seems the people in my life, completely exploit them. So is it shame on me for trying to trust and believe people in general are good, or is it shame on them, for trying to suck the last little bit of life out of me??

I am having a bad day, after such a really good long time, I know tomorrow will be better, today is just one of those days that it is really hard to find the silver lining.

aboutdone

Taking charge, you are exactly right. Thanks! Yes, I did reschedule my interview, and actually just went a little while ago. I absolutely hate that though. How unreliable does that look to an employer? It is just a temp service though, and hopefully it all works out.

You know you make a good point. Something I have lost sight of for awhile. I guess I started stepping backwards too. As I want so much to believe in the RXAH words, because they always sound so good, that I kind of quit looking at the actions.

I think it has just become easier to believe that ya "someday" it will all work out, then to face the cold hard facts, and it is "insane" as I filed for divorce for a reason. I did just find without his butt last summer. I completely protected myself from him, from all angles in the divorce. Yet, I allowed myself to get right back into the chaos.