facing my fear/feeling my feelings
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facing my fear/feeling my feelings
I have been working on acceptance.
Accepting my husband, as is.
I realized last week, I have issues with acceptance of my own feelings.
The other day, I awoke with a feeling of fear - not wanting to get out of bed/depression - and wrote a post about all my intellectualizing about it - trying to squirm out of it. Being afraid of feeling afraid/sad!
A few days later, I woke with the same feeling.
I decided to accept it - become open to it - allow it - welcome it, even.
I was frightened that it would stay forever or overcome me; that's why I had avoided the fear in the past. But that wasn't working!
Instead, I laid still and felt the fear. I labeled the feelings I was having. I examined how I felt and where in my body it occurred. I kept still. I told my fear that I welcomed it as a valid part of the whole of me. I allowed it to exist. I was compassionate for myself.
Amazingly...
it eventually dissipated! I was left ready to get out of bed!
Totally amazing.
It may be obvious to you, but it was such a great change! It was a conscious stopping of running away from my feelings. We can intellectualize that they will pass, but I have had this fear that if I allowed the feelings they would overtake me and I would become depressed like in my teen years - overpowering, years-long, immobilized depression.
Nope.
!LOL!
Hooray!
Hugs to you all today.
May you fully allow whatever feeling comes.
w
Accepting my husband, as is.
I realized last week, I have issues with acceptance of my own feelings.
The other day, I awoke with a feeling of fear - not wanting to get out of bed/depression - and wrote a post about all my intellectualizing about it - trying to squirm out of it. Being afraid of feeling afraid/sad!
A few days later, I woke with the same feeling.
I decided to accept it - become open to it - allow it - welcome it, even.
I was frightened that it would stay forever or overcome me; that's why I had avoided the fear in the past. But that wasn't working!
Instead, I laid still and felt the fear. I labeled the feelings I was having. I examined how I felt and where in my body it occurred. I kept still. I told my fear that I welcomed it as a valid part of the whole of me. I allowed it to exist. I was compassionate for myself.
Amazingly...
it eventually dissipated! I was left ready to get out of bed!
Totally amazing.
It may be obvious to you, but it was such a great change! It was a conscious stopping of running away from my feelings. We can intellectualize that they will pass, but I have had this fear that if I allowed the feelings they would overtake me and I would become depressed like in my teen years - overpowering, years-long, immobilized depression.
Nope.
!LOL!
Hooray!
Hugs to you all today.
May you fully allow whatever feeling comes.
w
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Awsome! I'm reminded of Buddhism wisdom: Pain is unavaoidable, fear for me was pain. So, I just had to accept it and minimize the suffering as much as I can. Part of doing that was just accepting the pain.
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Location: Southwest
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Good for you, wife. It's hard to do that, I know, but it helps. I think it also helps us to identify our feelings. I got really angry last week, and it ruined 12 hours or so for me. Until I realized that I needed to acknowledge the anger as a sign that my boundaries were being violated. Once I figured that out and acknowledged the anger, I was able to move on. It was amazing.
So have a great day.
So have a great day.
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Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Thanks.
I am on a renewed kick of self-love and care and gentleness.
Things feel SOOOOOOO much better when I am in that space.
tender
gentle
respectful
honest
allowing
accepting
trusting
of self.
From Lorin Roche's website...
"If you do not learn to allow, you will learn to control."
That is so deep when you think about it!
Also inspired by him:
* I welcome all of who I am.
* I cherish my impulses.
* When I am uncomfortable, I will tend to my sensations and my emotions.
* I will practice balance.
* I will practice being tender, gentle, respectful, honoring, honest, trusting, and accepting of myself.
* I love myself - all of myself - however I may be feeling or acting.
Worries, fears, anger, sadness, and the good stuff - all are welcome!!
The rebel that denies those feelings is welcome, too!
I am on a renewed kick of self-love and care and gentleness.
Things feel SOOOOOOO much better when I am in that space.
tender
gentle
respectful
honest
allowing
accepting
trusting
of self.
From Lorin Roche's website...
"If you do not learn to allow, you will learn to control."
That is so deep when you think about it!
Also inspired by him:
* I welcome all of who I am.
* I cherish my impulses.
* When I am uncomfortable, I will tend to my sensations and my emotions.
* I will practice balance.
* I will practice being tender, gentle, respectful, honoring, honest, trusting, and accepting of myself.
* I love myself - all of myself - however I may be feeling or acting.
Worries, fears, anger, sadness, and the good stuff - all are welcome!!
The rebel that denies those feelings is welcome, too!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I'll share my favorite Rumi poem with you, wife:
This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
anvilhead - isn't it weird how you can know a phrase like that, but then you hear/read it again and it hits you, personally, like it is brand new? Very appropo!
beautiful! I love it, GL!
beautiful! I love it, GL!
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Join Date: Dec 2009
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I made a similar decision one morning.
I woke up with the usual sadness/depression of not wanting to awake.
I was trying to do some inner children work, and decided that that loud voice was probably the nine year old. I had forced helplessness then where there were things that were sad beyond my control as a child.
I decided to do something different as well. I decided to nurture that little girl, even speak to her (as nuts as that sounds). I told her that I really needed her resiliency, and she was loved and appreciated. After awhile her voice wasn't as loud in the morning, there was joy underneath.
Thank you for posting and for the memory!
I woke up with the usual sadness/depression of not wanting to awake.
I was trying to do some inner children work, and decided that that loud voice was probably the nine year old. I had forced helplessness then where there were things that were sad beyond my control as a child.
I decided to do something different as well. I decided to nurture that little girl, even speak to her (as nuts as that sounds). I told her that I really needed her resiliency, and she was loved and appreciated. After awhile her voice wasn't as loud in the morning, there was joy underneath.
Thank you for posting and for the memory!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi wife-
great progress and self-realization.
for myself, i find it helpful to remind myself of the nature of emotions: that they are transitory and pass thru.
at times in my life, i have also felt it useful to say aloud the emotion i am experiencing. this helps move me into the position of "observer".
naive
great progress and self-realization.
for myself, i find it helpful to remind myself of the nature of emotions: that they are transitory and pass thru.
at times in my life, i have also felt it useful to say aloud the emotion i am experiencing. this helps move me into the position of "observer".
naive
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Originally Posted by naive 
this helps move me into the position of "observer".
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if I might jump in Book, although I know Naive will have some top stuff to share, I have been in very deep dark pits of depression; one where i could actually see my physical edges disolving into the atmosphere like dark smoke, a lot of pain, an enormous crushing weight of pain and self-loathing. I have been very afraid of going back down there, and have been consequently afraid of feeling strong sadness (and afraid of strong anxiety, shame and guilt, the rest I think I am ok with). Therapy and ADs have helped so much, my therapist does integrated therapies, with motivational interviewing, CBT, mindfulness, a bit of psychoanalytical stuff, what-ever is called for in the moment, and she helps me find my own skills. I started, within the safety of her room, letting out seconds worth of grief and sadness, before shutting them down, I couldn't risk the banks bursting and me drowning again. but with the skills she helped me find, I have been able to develope a way to move myself to stage left, acknowledge and feel the feelings, without shutting them down or identifying myself as them. Now that I feel ready, and strong enough to feel the sadness, instead of running away and denying when I've felt something welling up, I've (literally) sat back, put my pen down and said out loud ok I feel sad or whatever, and welcomed the tsunami. funny thing is that every time I've done that, fully wanted to wallow and FEEL the emotions, it has petered out of it's own accord, very quickly, the force taken straight out of it. to be honest, sometimes it's a little frustrating, sometimes I would like a good wallow, and the blinking tears just vanish and I'm left sat here, feeling all content and fine. bah humbug.
If I am overwhelmed (or think I will be) I do a mindfulness meditation I've described before with a river and the emotions floating through me. I used to think that "I" was the summation of my thoughts and feelings, I identified them AS me, and I judged them as good or bad feelings, and felt ashamed and iretrevably broken, fundamentally wrong somehow, prone to this awful inability to cope with my own sadness, which was all in my head: how selfish! if I felt sad, I was sad, if I felt unworthy I was unworthy, if I wasn't the sum of my thoughts and feelings and memories, what was "I"? My therapist said that if I was able to name them, I couldn't be them, because the real me was observing the thoughts and feelings, they were somehow generated within me but were not who I was, I, the real core of me, was other, that I could change my thoughts and feelings and still be me, and although I didn't understand it (and she said it far more eloquently than that) it has helped me HUGELY.
I'm not sure that I will ever not be on anti-deptressants, I have had many episodes of crippling depression and anxiety, and right now these work so well for me, but it isn't just the ADs, it's the therapy too.
If I am overwhelmed (or think I will be) I do a mindfulness meditation I've described before with a river and the emotions floating through me. I used to think that "I" was the summation of my thoughts and feelings, I identified them AS me, and I judged them as good or bad feelings, and felt ashamed and iretrevably broken, fundamentally wrong somehow, prone to this awful inability to cope with my own sadness, which was all in my head: how selfish! if I felt sad, I was sad, if I felt unworthy I was unworthy, if I wasn't the sum of my thoughts and feelings and memories, what was "I"? My therapist said that if I was able to name them, I couldn't be them, because the real me was observing the thoughts and feelings, they were somehow generated within me but were not who I was, I, the real core of me, was other, that I could change my thoughts and feelings and still be me, and although I didn't understand it (and she said it far more eloquently than that) it has helped me HUGELY.
I'm not sure that I will ever not be on anti-deptressants, I have had many episodes of crippling depression and anxiety, and right now these work so well for me, but it isn't just the ADs, it's the therapy too.
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cymbal - I love my inner kiddos! Thanks for sharing about yours!
naive - thanks. I do "labeling" too!
bookwyrm - I feel ya! The crazy thing is, I'm not sure there is a magic way to go there, other than to go there. Of course, if your stuff is too huge or too scary, I agree with Jen that a good therapist is a must. I feel like a therapist can act as a knight to guide and protect you on your quest.
For me, I have so many parts - one part KNOWS if I feel the feelings I will die or get sucked back into depression of the past, and another wise woman knows I am safe. I listen to the wise woman when I can.
jen - your therapist sounds fab! I want YOUR therapist!
naive - thanks. I do "labeling" too!
bookwyrm - I feel ya! The crazy thing is, I'm not sure there is a magic way to go there, other than to go there. Of course, if your stuff is too huge or too scary, I agree with Jen that a good therapist is a must. I feel like a therapist can act as a knight to guide and protect you on your quest.
For me, I have so many parts - one part KNOWS if I feel the feelings I will die or get sucked back into depression of the past, and another wise woman knows I am safe. I listen to the wise woman when I can.
jen - your therapist sounds fab! I want YOUR therapist!
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Originally Posted by bookwyrm
naive, I am really good at distancing myself from my emotions, shutting them down like this. How do you tread the line between experiencing them in a healthy way and blocking them off? I'm a fraidy cat when it comes to experiencing strong emotions!
I don't think being the 'observer' of my emotions means blocking them off. Quite the opposite, actually. It means accepting they are there, but knowing they are just a part of me, not the entirety of who I am. Acceptance from a place of detachment.
Have you read 'A New Earth' or 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle?
L
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Martha Beck calls that kind of self-observation "going to the balcony." My therapist taught it to me as well. I can now sit separately from the drama of a chaotic emotional experience, and analyze it as I would actors in a play: "She looks angry, but really she's just afraid because she thinks she's opening herself up to more hurt." "She's eaten a lot of salt, fat, sugar...and hasn't slept well for days. Her emotions will return to normal if she just corrects those physical things." "She's thinking about the time she was beaten up - even though there's no danger of that right now, she's letting herself feel the emotion anyway."
You see, it's the opposite of blocking. It's loving acceptance, developed by stepping out of the craziness and looking down at it from above, and taking the Next Right Action based on calmness and love rather than the chaos of pure emotion.
Putting myself on the waiting list for Jen's therapist too
You see, it's the opposite of blocking. It's loving acceptance, developed by stepping out of the craziness and looking down at it from above, and taking the Next Right Action based on calmness and love rather than the chaos of pure emotion.
Putting myself on the waiting list for Jen's therapist too
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Originally Posted by GiveLove
Martha Beck calls that kind of self-observation "going to the balcony." My therapist taught it to me as well. I can now sit separately from the drama of a chaotic emotional experience, and analyze it as I would actors in a play
One of the most useful things I got from the Tolle books is about self-talk. Instead of saying I AM sad/angry/confused/afraid, saying there is sadness/anger/confusion/fear IN ME. That small change takes the power away from the emotions. It doesn't make them go away. It helps me accept that whatever feelings I have at this moment are there, but I am SO MUCH MORE than the feelings.
L
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The self-talk thing is huge, huge, huge with me.
For so many years, when I would make a mistake of some kind, under my breath I'd say (or think), "Nice going, you idiot."
When my AX significant other would say "You're not an idiot," I'd get such a tearful relief from being validated by him, told I wasn't stupid. I lived for that kind of acceptance from somebody else.
One day, at the suggestion of my therapist, I made a mistake and changed my self-talk. I was as kind to myself as I would've been to a child doing her best. I said instead, "Whoops. Aw, honey, we'll figure it out next time, don't cry. Let's go do something that feels good."
The tearful relief I got from being loved by myself -- finally treated with kindness and importance by ME regardless of what some other human said or did.....that was intense.
Going to the balcony helps me to step outside myself and see that young child again, doing her best, knowing that her feelings are legitimate, that she's worthy of taking stern measures to protect her values, her dreams and her feelings of safety and serenity.
Truly one of the most life-saving skills I ever learned.
How are you feeling today, wife?
For so many years, when I would make a mistake of some kind, under my breath I'd say (or think), "Nice going, you idiot."
When my AX significant other would say "You're not an idiot," I'd get such a tearful relief from being validated by him, told I wasn't stupid. I lived for that kind of acceptance from somebody else.
One day, at the suggestion of my therapist, I made a mistake and changed my self-talk. I was as kind to myself as I would've been to a child doing her best. I said instead, "Whoops. Aw, honey, we'll figure it out next time, don't cry. Let's go do something that feels good."
The tearful relief I got from being loved by myself -- finally treated with kindness and importance by ME regardless of what some other human said or did.....that was intense.
Going to the balcony helps me to step outside myself and see that young child again, doing her best, knowing that her feelings are legitimate, that she's worthy of taking stern measures to protect her values, her dreams and her feelings of safety and serenity.
Truly one of the most life-saving skills I ever learned.
How are you feeling today, wife?
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