mazajo

A little background story- I met DH when he had 7 years sobriety (mostly pills, though a bit of everything). We got married, had a son, everything was going well... Until the end of October 2008, when he had 12 years sobriety, he got laid off work. He was off and on- mostly off- of work for a little over a year. In Sept 2009 he came to me and confessed that he'd been using pills again since shortly after he got laid off. I really had no idea! My reaction was, after the initial shock, what do we do to fix this? I thought we could handle it. I thought we WERE handling it. Then about six weeks later, I found out he was still using. He'd only stayed sober for about 2 weeks. We nearly broke up, he spent a week sleeping at his mom's house, but I decided to give it one more try. Again, I thought things were going well, then two weeks ago I found out that he'd been using AGAIN. Third time's the charm, right? He's been staying at his mom's ever since. He's going to AA regularly, and working on getting into some drug and alcohol recovery program (counseling?) also. I've been to one Al Anon meeting and plan to go to more. I'm seriously on the verge of divorcing. What's holding me back, is that of course I really do love him, we have a child, he had 12 YEARS before so I know he can do it, we had other problems but all stuff that I know we could've worked out. But I simply cannot stay with someone who is doing drugs. No way in heck. To which he says this time he means it, he is done, he will never ever do it again. I don't trust him. I believe he's sincere at the moment, but I don't know how long that might last. I don't think I could ever trust him again, and I don't think I could be married to somebody I can't trust. Do you think there's any hope of reconciliation, or should I be filing for divorce ASAP?

Sorry that was so long, and thanks in advance for any advice!

suki44883

Welcome to SR. So sorry you are dealing with this. Keep posting and read this forum, especially the stickies at the top. There is a wealth of information from both.

You don't have to make any decisions today. Step back and breathe. Words mean nothing from an addict. It's his actions that will tell you whether or not he is serious. Only you can decide whether or not to wait and see if he takes serious steps toward recovery. In the meantime, focus your energies on yourself and your child, and continue to attend alanon meetings. If possible, continue living apart. Only time will tell whether or not he can regain your trust.

sofacat

Hi mazajo.

Though I cannot tell you whether you should be filing for divorce as only you can make that decision, what I can tell you is a little about Me.

Last December I broke away from my XAH after a 10 year struggle with His opiate addiction. It is tough to watch someone you love fight like hell to get away from those bad bad pills....but the fight seemed never ending. He went to detox, rehab, counseling, AA, methadone clinics, nutritionists...you name it. But in the end...deep down he hadn't hit his bottom....I on the other hand, had hit mine.

Your post was about trust....and for Me I just couldn't trust myself to be involved with an active addict. I couldn't trust that I wouldn't snoop, pry, try to control, worry, overcompensate, obsess, cry, manipulate or many countless codependent traits I have let overrun my life. I became completely obsessed with trying to "fix" him...what I should have been working on was fixing myself.

I needed the separation to get myself back....and I had to do it away from the chaos.

My reaction was, after the initial shock, what do we do to fix this? I thought we could handle it. I thought we WERE handling it.

I hate to break it to you...but there is no "we" when it comes to their addiction. They are the only ones who can make the changes to get and stay sober....The only thing you can do is work on yourself.

The best thing that ever happened to Me with this was truly embracing the First Step...admitting to myself that I am powerless over His addiction. That really freed Me.

I am glad you found SR....he people here have really helped Me on my journey and gave Me permission to be selfish for a little while. My life is the better for it, just as yours will be too.

Read everything you can on here and always know there are people here who are just like you....and we all get it!

Work on you....the rest will come.

ThatLittleGirl

Hello...I feel for you! I too am working through this issue...I am married to a 10 year plus opiate AH. Let me first say, I am just starting the step work I should have been doing a long time ago...but better late than never.

I have been putting a lot of thought into trust as it pertains to myself and my AH. I feel like our entire marriage has been built on lies...his addiction and my co-dependency. I just recently came to understand how deeply ill my AH really is...how often our life was a construct of lies, and how much of my energy I spent trying to "fix" it... It is a disheartening experience to realize how much energy and resources over the last ten years have been wasted.

So, can trust be reconstructed...do I even want it to? I think time will tell. Because I believe the lies are a symptom of the greater problem of drugs...the financial stress...drugs...the lack of an active husband in my and my children's lives...drugs.

So the greater question for me is...do I believe my AH will maintain his sobriety (if he is even sober as I type this)? I do not have the answer to that...and neither does he. That's the killer...there's no absolute black or white answer to the chaos of addiction. I do know that I will work my co-dependency steps and stop putting all my attention and focus on him. I will get centered, and I will move forward in my life the best way I know how. My hope is that one day I won't need to question it, I'll know what I want and need to do for me and the future of my children.

itisatruth

Welcome....

Trust is a difficult thing...it is so personal and it permeates every aspect of life....at least for me lately. At first, it was trust in whether or not he'd stay clean. Lately, it's whether or not he is where is says he is - or if he's being honest. I struggle with trust being my issue in being able to trust again or his issue to prove to me he is worthy of my trust.

You sound strong in what you want: no drugs. Keep that in mind always. Look at actions more than words.

mazajo

Thank you everybody for your replies. I guess it's just going to take time, right? I do feel like I have to hurry up and make a decision and that's a difficult thing for me to do, just wait it out awhile and see what happens.

All of this really spoke to me. Very true. Thank you.

Christen

Dear Friend,

I am also married to an addict. I know how you feel. During my circumstances I often thought way too much. I have learned to back away from the situation & ask myself- what do I believe in? Do I believe in divorce? Do I believe he can change? Do I believe anything he says?

After lots of soul searching, I came to the conclusion that I do not believe in divorce. I believe in standing by my man because he has a disease. I am his partner. Regardless of what he does, I said for better or worse, and I meant it. And if I was him, I would want him to be there for me.

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't leave him. I'm not saying divorce is right or wrong. I'm just saying it's not right to me. I think if you make an effort to really examine what is important to you, your decision will be easier than you think. I'm just trying to tell you- life gets easier when you stop questioning yourself so much. Decide what you believe in & stick to it. That's the best advice I have for you.

Stay tough,
Christen