Ugh - got triggered

Old 03-28-2010, 06:01 AM
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Ugh - got triggered

... And I was doing so well.

I'm in Alanon, I've been reading, I've done NC and I dropped my ex from FB earlier this month, which felt soooooo good. I have been doing so much better.

Heard from an acquaintance this weekend that he and his new girlfriend (the woman he left me for) are still together and that she's head over heels for him.

And man, has it brought up a heap of pain, of the "maybe there really was something wrong with me" variety. The "how come his life is trucking along and he hasn't missed a beat" variety. The "how did someone who was missing a week of work at a time after bingeing pull himself together" variety. They've been together longer than we were when the first cracks started to appear and in the back of my mind I guess I had decided that the trauma, and heartache and cleaning up and patience of a saint mantle was hers to carry now. But apparently they're extremely happy???

Did I cause it? Has she found a way to control it? Is he cured????

Having a rough day.

SL.
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Old 03-28-2010, 06:49 AM
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Originally Posted by stilllearning View Post
Did I cause it? Has she found a way to control it? Is he cured????
Sweetie, no, no and no. You're comparing what his current relationship looks like on the outside to how your relationship was on the inside - of course they're never going to match up! After XAH and I split, I was talking to my friend. She knew XAH was an alcoholic (yeah, he hid that well...not!) but had no idea of what our marriage was actually like. She had no idea about the emotional and verbal abuse I lived with!

It could be that denial is very strong with the new woman. Does it really matter though? Were you 'right' together? Were you totally happy with him? He is an X for a reason, don't forget it. And please don't forget your three C's!!
:ghug3

PS XAH has an OW and was living with her happily last I heard (over 6 months ago). This I count as a blessing. She kept him out of my hair and I imagine things could have been so much worse for me as I broke free of his control without her being there. I don't care if he is happy or sad. I do care if I am though!!
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Old 03-28-2010, 07:25 AM
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Bless you Bookwyrm.

I was ecstatically happy with him in the beginning - as happy as I've ever been, I think. Then he started bingeing in secret and it was like meeting a completely different person. Truly, night and day. He was pretty consistently awful for months after his drinking was out on the table and then I was summarily dismissed. For someone ... who adores him? Who's easier? Who wasn't around the week he got arrested for public drunkeness? Who doesn't know that he signed up for, then pulled out of, alcohol counselling?

Yes, it was bad - and no, I couldn't go back there. But it sounds like they're serious and going strong - and I guess it makes me feel ... less than. His long term ex is the one who left him, although they managed eventually to stay friends. His new relationship sounds great and apparently he's been welcomed as part of the family. And I was stuck in the middle like a landing pad. I got cut off at the knees with an abrupt, but not surprising ending - and haven't heard a peep from him since the breakup.

It hurts all over again. I think because I'm in recovery he knew that I knew how serious his situation was. I didn't harp, didn't interfere and didn't make any demands. But he had no intention of stopping and I guess we reached a fork in the road.

It's just so confusing. I'm still (STILL) confused about the whole relationship. Is he even an alcoholic? Because who manages to make a miracle recovery and develop a whole set of adult relationship skills in a matter of months - and yet he seems to be doing great.
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Old 03-28-2010, 07:35 AM
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When we are trying to impress someone or when our ego's are fragile, we do everything in your power for acceptance, and validation.
He is being on his best behaviour, showing this new person he's all that and a bag of chips. He needs to keep up apprearances.

He wore out his good side with you so he needed someone new to show it to and BELIEVE ME, she will get the bad side of him soon enough

There is no miracle recovery there.

When my ex of 15 yrs left me for someone else, two weeks after he moved out, someone we both knew came up to me to tell me she saw my ex with his new GF and he was buying her a cell phone.
OUCH!
It hurts!! But when he was done trying to impress her with his small d*ck and HUGE ego, he was trying to get me back...........Of course, I laughed in his face!

Stay away from anyone who knows your ex or if someone is about to tell you about your ex, tell them to STOP!
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Old 03-28-2010, 08:41 AM
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I learned this on here from someone very wise, sorry I can't remember exactly who but here goes:

You are assuming that this other woman is just like you, has the same needs as you etc. Maybe she doesn't need to feel “respected” like you did, maybe she needs to be with someone who is selfish and unavailable to her. It's absolutely fruitless to imagine that his relationship with her is like your but “better”. Impossible, 2 people bring 2 unique sets of needs, attitudes and behaviors to a relationship.

Like you, she does not have the power to change him, to control his addiction or cure him. It's always nice in the beginning, and what you have his knowledge of his history so you know how it's going to go, or how it's going to end. It's her journey now to either tolerate it or discover the things you yourself have discovered.

Not for nothing but I'd be quietly thanking her for taking out your garbage!!!!!
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Old 03-28-2010, 10:59 AM
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Still- I know exactly how you feel.

I've told my story a lot on here, but I will give you a brief:
My XA went back to his ex; BROKE my heart, devistated me. She is 23, we are both 34. I just couldn't understand it. He told me she was the only one who could make him happy, that he would rather die than be without her...OUCH!!! To my little heart. It's been almost a year.
A HARD year for me. I too couldn't believe that he got to go on and be happy and everything was peachy in his world. But is it???

It's really hard not to perfect the image of them in your head, when all of this time we perfect the IMAGE of HIM.
A little while ago, a mutual friend of ours told me that he spoke with my XA, and even now he is still trying to "defend" his actions while leaving out the WHOLE truth of our story. But he went on to tell him that he and his GF are planning to relocate and he was thinking about law school. The entire time he was telling our friend this he was getting drunk on the phone, by the end of the phone call he was smashed.
That's HIM.

He is STILL trying to present an image of himself that is not reality. I saw comments from him to his GF left on Christmas day.... it said "Merry Christmas Baby!! Now let's throw back some cold ones!"

That put a lot into perspective. What I imagine their life to be is not the reality. And the same for you.
My XA went back to his ex because she would not expect him to change...atleast not yet. When he went back to her, ironically it was at the exact same time I was starting to address his drinking with him. Coincidence? Nope. He doesn't want to change.
And I would compare myself to her..... because after he painted such a horrible picture of her, when he wanted her back, he painted such a perfect picture of her. It made me feel like I wasn't enough.
And that is so NOT the case. I was more than enough! And you are more than enough! At this point I take it as a compliment that he wanted her. To me, it means he knew my standards were too high.
And poor her, she's in his life, while he's calling our friends still trying to defend his actions about me. What a great relationship she is in!

Try, when it's the hardest, to keep it in perspective. No longer do I put so much energy into how they are feeling, but I definitely put it into how I am feeling. I have a great future, and it's open for someone who won't lie to me, won't use me until he's done, won't treat me as though I am insignificant.... and all of this is open for you too!

Tell the mutual friends that you do NOT want to hear anything about him or them. I have done that, and I am so happy I did. I do NOT want to know a thing. There is no point and it can cause anxiety. I don't need it...and neither do you!
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Old 03-28-2010, 01:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach View Post
It hurts!! But when he was done trying to impress her with his small d*ck and HUGE ego, he was trying to get me back...........Of course, I laughed in his face!

:rotfxko
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Old 03-28-2010, 03:01 PM
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Ah Stilllearning_
We sure are sisters!!

"how did someone who was missing a week of work at a time after bingeing pull himself together"
Well.. cause he has to, to find another enabler!!

Frequently I hear on these boards, my story. The ole prince charming, perfect. Dream come true. Soulmate. Okay- got a question for you? Would it really be so darn difficult to get someone to really like you.. love you.. think you were the best. If you didn't care about lying? If you just told them whatever they wanted/needed/liked to hear? Then really just did, whatever you felt like doing?

I've spent some time thinking. (WAY TOO MUCH TIME!!)
Frankly I think there is a distinct possibility, that my ex., actually used me- to GET the attention of other women. He was quite the gentleman.. loving and caring husband and father. Not at all unusual to hear other people say.. ".. I wish I had that."

So I don't even know, if it was even about me!! Had anything to do with me at all!

I understand my ex has had another spiritual awakening.. treatment sober. And yep- a new love of his life. Thank you God!!!!!!! Thank you God!! She is an Angel to me!! Cause when he is happy and feeling loved. Well- my life and my kids. Life is good!

At first I thought.. how could anyone be that stupid? :rotfxko Gee, I think I have a clue!!

But what I do know.. yep, my life looked darn good to alot of other people. Heck, even ME!! They didn't know the truth.. heck even I didn't know the whole truth at the time! Had I known where he was, and what he was doing, and with who.. Well I know this- I would NOT have thought life was so darn great! Or that he was!

People do not change over night. It takes alot of time, energy- work.
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Old 03-28-2010, 04:53 PM
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Thanks everyone,

This really helps. Stilllearning1, I think we are sisters

Yes, he needed another enabler - and I was in her shoes not all that long ago. And yes, for months I've been glad (more so as I read the boards) that someone else took out my garbage.

Reading the boards has helped so much - and in so many ways my story is here over and over and over. But I also read about the progression and about people's As reaching out, coming back into their lives, trying for reconciliation. Him doing well, his new relationship progressing and my being completely forgotten just really hurts. I was struggling, hard, with the relationship at the end. But I didn't get to keep struggling with whether to walk away - the choice was taken away from me.

Honestly, I can't figure out whether I was too sick or not sick enough. What I mean is, I wasn't willing to not be respected - and I wanted the guy I met in the beginning back. I had definitely started to descend into codie hell, to accept the unacceptable, all the bells and whistles. Mostly trying to keep up with his chaos was a full time job in itself and I was confused as hell. But I also had glue on my shoes. I made a half assed attempt to end it - but I went back. Then I got tossed aside without a backward glance and at that point I knew I should walk but just couldn't.

That's the nut of what I'm feeling today, I guess. I don't know whether it ended because I was too codependent or not codependent enough. Did I expect too much, or not enough? Am I as difficult as he told me I was at the end? Is expecting the truth and calling a spade a spade being difficult?

Ugh, this is awful. I haven't felt like this in months.

SL x
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Old 03-28-2010, 05:06 PM
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I think when we hear these little tidbits of info, it causes us to take our focus off ourselves and put our focus back on them. I think it's a good idea to make it a habit of recognizing that, and doing our best to get our focus back on ourselves. Did the relationship make me happy? Could I be my best self in the relationship that I had? And when thoughts that focus on him or her pop into our minds, we have to tell them to go away!
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Old 03-28-2010, 09:29 PM
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I am a firm believer in miracles and miraculous healings, have known cancer to disappear overnight, and an A to spew himself sober, (his wife and prayer group prayed he'd be sick if he drank).

But him finding a "new love" and turning his life around because of her....Rubbish.....
er....She isn't a Saint is she?

You say, you and he were not in the happy place they are still in, at this stage of the relationship......well that could be for a few reasons.

You got smart real soon, she has yet to get there.

He is better behaved this time, as you caught him out too early.

She is more enslaved than you were, and prepared to put on a brave face.

Probably a lot more, but you get the message.

You showed him you weren't going to play along and he pulled the rug out first. Now he is with someone new, seems fine and happy.
Maybe, maybe not. It really doesn't matter.

You weren't happy with him, he was not fine thanks to his drinking etc.
This is all that means anything.....what it WAS with him and you, not what he is like now with her.

I agree with Atalose, Quote: I'd be quietly thanking her for taking out your garbage!!!!!

God bless
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Old 03-29-2010, 05:21 AM
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Thanks Jadmack, Anvil, everyone.

I do so much better when I focus on me - on my own stuff - on things I can change.

I guess that the whole relationship was so Twilight Zone (my head took months to stop spinning) and his personality change was so dramatic, that I just ... I don't know. Did I imagine the craziness? I can relate to so many posts - one today about someone's A wanting to buy a cello, make a film, move ... I was literally nodding. I got a crick in my neck sometimes from watching him vitrually bounce off the ceiling. But I didn't ever see the sloppy drunkeness. Didn't ever see him drink. So I hear about him doing great and I sometimes wonder whether I'm in alanon and sitting on a recovery site making up a "case" to justify my grief over being rejected.

I do feel grateful to her for taking out my garbage - only what if I brought out the garbage?

I'm hoping that this is just a blip and that I'll bounce back quickly.

SL.
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Old 03-29-2010, 08:37 AM
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Heard from an acquaintance this weekend that he and his new girlfriend (the woman he left me for) are still together and that she's head over heels for him.
First, I would really cut all conversation about your ex with people who know him out of your life. Do not ask, they won't tell. If they start talking about it tell them to zip their lips.

Second, alcoholics are notoriously needy, will start something before the last thing has finished. It's all about them. Don't think he's changed for her or any such thing. He's the same person, particularly if he didn't have time to crash over your relationship.

One of the women in my al anon home group is very good friends with my ex, and she has heard every ounce of his side of the story and nothing of mine. She is good friends with my sponsor. It is so tempting to sit her down and tell her what he really is like. It's tempting to ask her what her perspective is. But the fact is, it's irrelevant. It's over, and we were not able to work it out.

Remember the reasons you broke up...really keep those in mind. The fact that he has moved on so quickly shows he is *exactly* the same person. Alcoholics only change when faced with crisis. Your ex has avoided that by hopping lilly pads. He's not there yet.
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