Codependent No More - Book Study: Chap. 10 - Live Your Own Life (Half-Way Point)
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Codependent No More - Book Study: Chap. 10 - Live Your Own Life (Half-Way Point)
Link to Chapter 9: Udepedence (and previous Chapters): http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2551211
Codependent No More:
How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
By Melodie Beattie
Book Study
CHAPTER 10 - Live Your Own Life
CHAPTER 10 - Live Your Own Life
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
We're at the halfway Mark with this Chapter! Woo Hoo! 
Live and Let Live
Starts out chapter ten. Melodie begins by stating that if there was one purpose for this whole book, it is this:
"The surest way to make ourselves crazy is to get involved in other peoples business, and the quickest way to become sane and happy is to tend to our own affairs".
The previous nine chapters discussed our unhealthy attachments and why we do what we do. So, now what's left? "Ourselves". We need to learn how to live and enjoy our own lives, since many of us forgot how. Some of us get so locked in emotional turmoil, that we think our life is pain. Life does not have to hurt and we need to "Get a life". We start with taking care of ourselves, we start by Self-care. Self care begins with an attitude (Melodie talks about each one, I've paraphrased and listed them here):
1.) I am responsible to myself
2.) I am responsible for living or not living my life
3.) I am responsible for watering and feeding my spiritual, emotional, physical and financial health.
4.) I am responsible for identifying and meeting my needs
5.) I am responsible for fixing my own problems, or accepting the ones I can't fix
6.) I am responsible for my choices
7.) I am responsible for ehat I give and receive.
8.) I am responsible for setting and achieving my own goals
9.) I am responsible for how much of life I enjoy
10.) I am responsible by how much pleasure I get out of each day
11.) I am responsible for who I love and how I do it
12.) I am responsible for how I treat others and how I allow them to treat me
13.) I am responsible for my wants and desires
14.) I am responsible to know that I have rights, and to assert them
Melodie explains that we need to foster our self-esteem. To begin doing this, we need to conduct ourselves in a manner of self-esteem. Placing all of the responsibilities above at utmost of importance. Self care basically means mutual respect to live our lives responsibly and to let others live their lives the way they choose. Self care is an art form of giving ourselves what it is that we need. many of us begin without an idea of what those needs are.
Giving ourselves what we need is not difficult and can be done quickly. This is how: "In any given situation, detach and ask "What do I need to do to take care of myself?"
Then we need to listen. We also need to listen to God (of the higher power of our own understanding). It could be to walk away, slow down, take a nap, do something we enjoy ect... If we have a need for understanding, perhaps an Alanon meeting, do we have anxiety, perhaps meditation, do we have physical sickness, perhaps a doctor, etc...
We also need to be aware of what those around us need from us, this is part of being a eresponsible human being. Being careful not to compromise our own goodwill. I get a vision of the oxygen mask on an airplane, giving oxygen to ourselves first. Then tending to another if needed. She explains "We need to base all of our decisions on reality, and we need to make them in our own best interests". We will not be misled if we listen to ourselves and Our Higher Power. We give ourselves credit when we do the right thing, and forgive ourslves for any mistakes. Ultimately no situation will improve if we do not care for ourselves. All codependents can learn how to see this and implement the above suggestions.
Activities (paraphrased):
1.) Ask what we need to practice self-care everyday. If there's a crisis, we may need to do this throught the entire day. Then give ourselves what it is we need to care for ourselves.
2.) Sit down with the people close to us (when appropriate) and discuss what we may need from them to practice self-care.
Live and Let Live
Starts out chapter ten. Melodie begins by stating that if there was one purpose for this whole book, it is this:
"The surest way to make ourselves crazy is to get involved in other peoples business, and the quickest way to become sane and happy is to tend to our own affairs".
The previous nine chapters discussed our unhealthy attachments and why we do what we do. So, now what's left? "Ourselves". We need to learn how to live and enjoy our own lives, since many of us forgot how. Some of us get so locked in emotional turmoil, that we think our life is pain. Life does not have to hurt and we need to "Get a life". We start with taking care of ourselves, we start by Self-care. Self care begins with an attitude (Melodie talks about each one, I've paraphrased and listed them here):
1.) I am responsible to myself
2.) I am responsible for living or not living my life
3.) I am responsible for watering and feeding my spiritual, emotional, physical and financial health.
4.) I am responsible for identifying and meeting my needs
5.) I am responsible for fixing my own problems, or accepting the ones I can't fix
6.) I am responsible for my choices
7.) I am responsible for ehat I give and receive.
8.) I am responsible for setting and achieving my own goals
9.) I am responsible for how much of life I enjoy
10.) I am responsible by how much pleasure I get out of each day
11.) I am responsible for who I love and how I do it
12.) I am responsible for how I treat others and how I allow them to treat me
13.) I am responsible for my wants and desires
14.) I am responsible to know that I have rights, and to assert them
Melodie explains that we need to foster our self-esteem. To begin doing this, we need to conduct ourselves in a manner of self-esteem. Placing all of the responsibilities above at utmost of importance. Self care basically means mutual respect to live our lives responsibly and to let others live their lives the way they choose. Self care is an art form of giving ourselves what it is that we need. many of us begin without an idea of what those needs are.
Giving ourselves what we need is not difficult and can be done quickly. This is how: "In any given situation, detach and ask "What do I need to do to take care of myself?"
Then we need to listen. We also need to listen to God (of the higher power of our own understanding). It could be to walk away, slow down, take a nap, do something we enjoy ect... If we have a need for understanding, perhaps an Alanon meeting, do we have anxiety, perhaps meditation, do we have physical sickness, perhaps a doctor, etc...
We also need to be aware of what those around us need from us, this is part of being a eresponsible human being. Being careful not to compromise our own goodwill. I get a vision of the oxygen mask on an airplane, giving oxygen to ourselves first. Then tending to another if needed. She explains "We need to base all of our decisions on reality, and we need to make them in our own best interests". We will not be misled if we listen to ourselves and Our Higher Power. We give ourselves credit when we do the right thing, and forgive ourslves for any mistakes. Ultimately no situation will improve if we do not care for ourselves. All codependents can learn how to see this and implement the above suggestions.
Activities (paraphrased):
1.) Ask what we need to practice self-care everyday. If there's a crisis, we may need to do this throught the entire day. Then give ourselves what it is we need to care for ourselves.
2.) Sit down with the people close to us (when appropriate) and discuss what we may need from them to practice self-care.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
As someone who has successfully avoided all household chores (and there are a mountain of them) today and irresponsibly abandoned the housework to spend most of the day playing Final Fantasy and watching Battlestar Galactica DVD's, I think I'll tackle this one tomorrow....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
12.) I am responsible for how I treat others and how I allow them to treat me
Hey, I get to practice this today. Friday night I was getting ready for a meeting when STBX Came and picked up the kids. He saw I was dressed to go out (the same way I always do for a meeting). He said, so got a date tonite? I said no. I then get an email saying that he "knows" I'm dating. So, I send one back telling him it's none of his business what I do in my free time, just like it's none of my business what he chooses to do in his free time.
I got an email calling me a Sl*t this morning!! Ugh. He's sick, I know.
Hey, I get to practice this today. Friday night I was getting ready for a meeting when STBX Came and picked up the kids. He saw I was dressed to go out (the same way I always do for a meeting). He said, so got a date tonite? I said no. I then get an email saying that he "knows" I'm dating. So, I send one back telling him it's none of his business what I do in my free time, just like it's none of my business what he chooses to do in his free time.
I got an email calling me a Sl*t this morning!! Ugh. He's sick, I know.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NYC
Posts: 132
I got an email calling me a Sl*t this morning!! Ugh. He's sick, I know.
I love this chapter in the book -- because it's the turning point. The previous chapters focus on deciphering and self-diagnosis, but this gets to the real heart of things -- why we haven't started living yet! I just back from an al anon meeting and it was moving to hear about all of the women there who are codependents and doing the difficult work of untying themselves from their pasts -- a lot of the discussion was financial. We go through the same process that an alcoholic does as we start to unwind the disease and the effects it has had on our lives.
Self care for me right now is as simple as it gets -- show up for my life. I am now conscious of the time I spend obsessing about my ex, or where my life isn't, or what-have-you. I'm not ready yet to actually start making plans for myself. I need to be able to stop babysitting my head before I can start filling it with stuff that moves me forward toward fulfillment.
My shrink describes it as moving from "mere survival mode" to "thriving mode". I cannot wait to get there and sometimes in a hurry and forget that I'm recovering too, and it's baby steps.
For me, right now, self-care is just being mentally present.
To achieve that I've asked my qualifier to stay away, that's step one. I will also need to make some changes regarding work and career. But I'm waiting for a clear sign on what that's going to be.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
1.) Ask what we need to practice self-care everyday. If there's a crisis, we may need to do this throught the entire day. Then give ourselves what it is we need to care for ourselves.
For me, I've been neglecting some daily items. My entire routine has been turned upside on it's head. While I certainly made the right decision regarding ending this marriage, It would be a lie to say he did not contribute anything. So, there's mundane jobs that he used to do such as taking the trash out. Keeping one of the corners that gets filled with toys clear. Putting groceries away. Things like that. What he used to do, I'm neglecting (except trash of course). I feel overwhelmed sometimes without the extra hand with the kids. Frankly, I'm out of my element. I need to shift gears and adjust. If I negelct household jobs, I feel bad about myself. So, I need to step it up.
I am spending time with friends. I had a visitor yesterday and some phone calls to make today. There's also an AA anniversary for a friend tomorrow. So, these next couple days should be good ones. As long as I do not let myself isolate too much, I should be fine. Isolation is a big enemy of mine.
2.) Sit down with the people close to us (when appropriate) and discuss what we may need from them to practice self-care.
Okie dokie! This will take some thought.
For me, I've been neglecting some daily items. My entire routine has been turned upside on it's head. While I certainly made the right decision regarding ending this marriage, It would be a lie to say he did not contribute anything. So, there's mundane jobs that he used to do such as taking the trash out. Keeping one of the corners that gets filled with toys clear. Putting groceries away. Things like that. What he used to do, I'm neglecting (except trash of course). I feel overwhelmed sometimes without the extra hand with the kids. Frankly, I'm out of my element. I need to shift gears and adjust. If I negelct household jobs, I feel bad about myself. So, I need to step it up.
I am spending time with friends. I had a visitor yesterday and some phone calls to make today. There's also an AA anniversary for a friend tomorrow. So, these next couple days should be good ones. As long as I do not let myself isolate too much, I should be fine. Isolation is a big enemy of mine.
2.) Sit down with the people close to us (when appropriate) and discuss what we may need from them to practice self-care.
Okie dokie! This will take some thought.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
two quotes I loved from this chapter:
"I have rights, and it is my responsibility to assert them."
and
"We get comfortable doing some things poorly and some things with mediocrity, for that is part of life, too."
The first makes things simple and puts the control in our hands.
The second gives us space to be imperfect.
"I have rights, and it is my responsibility to assert them."
and
"We get comfortable doing some things poorly and some things with mediocrity, for that is part of life, too."
The first makes things simple and puts the control in our hands.
The second gives us space to be imperfect.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
I made up for my self indulgent Saturday on Sunday by cleaning the house top to bottom. This is real progress for me. It used to be that I would beat myself up for being lazy and not doing all the things I 'should' be doing. But Sat I gave myself permission to relax and enjoy myself without guilt. I almost made it - just the odd twinge here and there!! I had forgotten how to enjoy myself for so long...
I still struggle with the whole idea in this chapter that:
'All of me, every aspect of my being, is important. I count for something. I matter. My feelings can be trusted. My thinking is appropriate. I value my wants and needs'
This is my aspiration, my goal.
I have a hard time assessing my needs. I allow the 'shoulds' into my thoughts far too often. I relied on XAH to 'tell' me my needs for so long that working out what they actually are, amidst the self loathing, fear and pain, feels like an impossible task. I am self destructive and self abusive (that was hard to type!). No wonder I allowed XAH to abuse me too!
Sigh.
So Saturday was actually a big step forward for me. I had a totally 'unproductive' day and I didn't care!!
I still struggle with the whole idea in this chapter that:
'All of me, every aspect of my being, is important. I count for something. I matter. My feelings can be trusted. My thinking is appropriate. I value my wants and needs'
This is my aspiration, my goal.
I have a hard time assessing my needs. I allow the 'shoulds' into my thoughts far too often. I relied on XAH to 'tell' me my needs for so long that working out what they actually are, amidst the self loathing, fear and pain, feels like an impossible task. I am self destructive and self abusive (that was hard to type!). No wonder I allowed XAH to abuse me too!
Sigh.
So Saturday was actually a big step forward for me. I had a totally 'unproductive' day and I didn't care!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Maui, HI
Posts: 26
1.) Ask what we need to practice self-care everyday. If there's a crisis, we may need to do this throught the entire day. Then give ourselves what it is we need to care for ourselves.
2. Get enough sleep even if that means a sleeping pill to aid me - I don't have to be a soldier and "buck up". If I need the sleeping pill, then I will take the d*mn*d pill.
3. Dress neatly and nicely - no more slob, well except if I am being lazy at home!
4. My favorite flavored coffee at my little coffee maker at my desk....yum!
Those a a few that come to mind. It's the "daily" that is tripping me up. I have decided to get a massage once a month, and some other regular expenses for myself that ding the budget, but I am the only income right now and I am going to do some nice things for me and stop being a martyr. good grief I actually had to talk myself into getting my hair cut! sheesh.
2.) Sit down with the people close to us (when appropriate) and discuss what we may need from them to practice self-care.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
i don't seem to be able to determine what i need to need to do to take care of myself in certain situations. I don't know i it is best to stay with someone because if i'm not there i am anxious and can't get on with anything anyway, or whether it is best to remove myself from someone because i'm not enjoying being there. This is a good chapter for me to study at the moment.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
iwant- Maybe what there is to do is examine those feelings of anxiety and not enjoying yourself and ask yourself why. When you are away and feeling anxious, those feelings MAY be about YOU and not this other person.
When I am feeling healthy and balanced, I don't feel anxious away or with others (because I have an internal balance). When I am feeling needy or insecure, I feel anxious alone.
Just a thought.
Hugs,
w
When I am feeling healthy and balanced, I don't feel anxious away or with others (because I have an internal balance). When I am feeling needy or insecure, I feel anxious alone.
Just a thought.
Hugs,
w
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
thanks, i do need to have a think about that. I think those feelings are about me so thats why I never know whether to stay in a situation or remove myself from it. Either way there is some pain and uncomfortableness for me - I never know which is better for me
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
"Self-care is an attitude toward ourselves and our lives that says, I am responsible for myself." Melody Beatty, Codependent No More
This is followed by a list of things I am responsible for (mentioned earlier in this thread). Then this part:
I am responsible for my wants and desires.
All of me, every aspect of my being, is important.
I count for something.
I matter.
My feelings can be trusted.
My thinking is appropriate.
I value my wants and needs.
I do not deserve and will not tolerate abuse or constant mistreatment.
I have rights, and it is my responsibility to assert these rights.
Good, postive affirmations for all of us!
I remember when I had that light bulb moment that I have rights too! I told my active alcoholic:
Your happiness is not more important than mine
Your comfort is not more important than mine
Your life is not more important than mine.
It was time to start living my life.
I am thankful for books like this, SR and Alanon for helping begin to start living my life for myself without being selfish or selfless!
This is followed by a list of things I am responsible for (mentioned earlier in this thread). Then this part:
I am responsible for my wants and desires.
All of me, every aspect of my being, is important.
I count for something.
I matter.
My feelings can be trusted.
My thinking is appropriate.
I value my wants and needs.
I do not deserve and will not tolerate abuse or constant mistreatment.
I have rights, and it is my responsibility to assert these rights.
Good, postive affirmations for all of us!
I remember when I had that light bulb moment that I have rights too! I told my active alcoholic:
Your happiness is not more important than mine
Your comfort is not more important than mine
Your life is not more important than mine.
It was time to start living my life.
I am thankful for books like this, SR and Alanon for helping begin to start living my life for myself without being selfish or selfless!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Maui, HI
Posts: 26
[QUOTE=Pelican;2556200
I remember when I had that light bulb moment that I have rights too! I told my active alcoholic:
Your happiness is not more important than mine
Your comfort is not more important than mine
Your life is not more important than mine.
It was time to start living my life.
QUOTE]
EXCELLENT!!!!
I remember when I had that light bulb moment that I have rights too! I told my active alcoholic:
Your happiness is not more important than mine
Your comfort is not more important than mine
Your life is not more important than mine.
It was time to start living my life.
QUOTE]
EXCELLENT!!!!
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