setting the facts straight in my own head
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
setting the facts straight in my own head
I was often accused of:
1)making stuff up..now I realize its because he was drunk and didnt remember what he did or said..He didnt remember talking to those girls on the phone and me overhearing and causing a fight..he also didnt remember the lies he told so when it came back to bit him he would blame things on me making stuff up
2) my nose whistle was so extreme he needed to sleep in the other room...now i know its because he ran from intimacy
3)that I didnt know how to talk to people..now I know its because he is an alcoholic and normal things I say he cant process
4) he would in a nutshell put me down..like how I dress, perfume etc (and I worked in NYC for many years so I feel confident that I knew stuff about fashion)..now I realize he despises himself and always obsesses about his self image and he told me that to make himself feel better.
5) He would say I intimidated him..Now I know he meant I knew a lot of his dirty little secrets that he never wanted others to know because he self image was so precious..
6) not loving him unconditionally..now I know its because my gut was protecting me from falling for his crap anymore and he didnt like that.
7) being a bad financial planner..now I know that I am financially stable and always have been since I was 21..he isnt. he makes money but spends it right away..I think I am a better finance guru than him who has an accounting degree.
8) of not being normal..now I know he was right because normal would never have gone near someone like him. So now I know I have to work on my own past issues so I never go near that fence again..
9) of not having friends and my own life...now I know I was working myself to death and didnt have time for friends..I am loveable though and I have some of the most wonderful friends ever now..
10) being bipolar and needing to be committed...I went through a depression in my early 20s and they classified it as bipolar 2..he never let me forget it. everytime I got mad I got accused of having an episode. now I know he needed to put me down to shake my confidence so I would leave him alone
11) being to sensitive about people who drink because of my childhood..now I know I was right..before his disease progressed where there is no doubt he is an A he would try to shake my confidence down so I would leave him alone
12) being a perfectionist and doing research before making any commitments or purchases...now I know its because he didnt like that I cared enough to make right and responsible choices..he wanted to get back home and drink so he wanted me to think quick and leave him alone.
13) getting too fat..he used to tell me to stop eating and stuff because he cares aboout my health..now I know its cause my weight affected his self image and I was no longer sexy enough for his friends to comment about me. Its ok..I did lose the weight once he was gone.
1)making stuff up..now I realize its because he was drunk and didnt remember what he did or said..He didnt remember talking to those girls on the phone and me overhearing and causing a fight..he also didnt remember the lies he told so when it came back to bit him he would blame things on me making stuff up
2) my nose whistle was so extreme he needed to sleep in the other room...now i know its because he ran from intimacy
3)that I didnt know how to talk to people..now I know its because he is an alcoholic and normal things I say he cant process
4) he would in a nutshell put me down..like how I dress, perfume etc (and I worked in NYC for many years so I feel confident that I knew stuff about fashion)..now I realize he despises himself and always obsesses about his self image and he told me that to make himself feel better.
5) He would say I intimidated him..Now I know he meant I knew a lot of his dirty little secrets that he never wanted others to know because he self image was so precious..
6) not loving him unconditionally..now I know its because my gut was protecting me from falling for his crap anymore and he didnt like that.
7) being a bad financial planner..now I know that I am financially stable and always have been since I was 21..he isnt. he makes money but spends it right away..I think I am a better finance guru than him who has an accounting degree.
8) of not being normal..now I know he was right because normal would never have gone near someone like him. So now I know I have to work on my own past issues so I never go near that fence again..
9) of not having friends and my own life...now I know I was working myself to death and didnt have time for friends..I am loveable though and I have some of the most wonderful friends ever now..
10) being bipolar and needing to be committed...I went through a depression in my early 20s and they classified it as bipolar 2..he never let me forget it. everytime I got mad I got accused of having an episode. now I know he needed to put me down to shake my confidence so I would leave him alone
11) being to sensitive about people who drink because of my childhood..now I know I was right..before his disease progressed where there is no doubt he is an A he would try to shake my confidence down so I would leave him alone
12) being a perfectionist and doing research before making any commitments or purchases...now I know its because he didnt like that I cared enough to make right and responsible choices..he wanted to get back home and drink so he wanted me to think quick and leave him alone.
13) getting too fat..he used to tell me to stop eating and stuff because he cares aboout my health..now I know its cause my weight affected his self image and I was no longer sexy enough for his friends to comment about me. Its ok..I did lose the weight once he was gone.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I always find that I can get straight more quickly when I go through the motions of writing it down. Good for you.
My husband left us in September. Then he wanted to reconcile. Luckily I had started journaling in May and I was able to see just how bad things had been leading up to the final blow. It gave me so much clarity. I rely on the written form of my thought processes to help me see where I was and where I am. I love your notes to yourself.
My husband left us in September. Then he wanted to reconcile. Luckily I had started journaling in May and I was able to see just how bad things had been leading up to the final blow. It gave me so much clarity. I rely on the written form of my thought processes to help me see where I was and where I am. I love your notes to yourself.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
You know lulu, you sound like someone who has been tortured by the CIA. This is deliberately done by our alkies to keep us off balance so that they can try to control us.
I too feel like I am losing my mind, even a year later. Then I just re-read all the emails that my ex wrote to me admitting her wrongdoings and saying that they won't happen again.
Of course the stories always change for them, mine now denies anything involving alcohol has ever occurred.
I too feel like I am losing my mind, even a year later. Then I just re-read all the emails that my ex wrote to me admitting her wrongdoings and saying that they won't happen again.
Of course the stories always change for them, mine now denies anything involving alcohol has ever occurred.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by Duped 
You know lulu, you sound like someone who has been tortured by the CIA. This is deliberately done by our alkies to keep us off balance so that they can try to control us.
I too feel like I am losing my mind, even a year later. Then I just re-read all the emails that my ex wrote to me admitting her wrongdoings and saying that they won't happen again.
Of course the stories always change for them, mine now denies anything involving alcohol has ever occurred.
I too feel like I am losing my mind, even a year later. Then I just re-read all the emails that my ex wrote to me admitting her wrongdoings and saying that they won't happen again.
Of course the stories always change for them, mine now denies anything involving alcohol has ever occurred.
I may adopt a doggie..
CIA..funny but maybe now I understand why my sponser tells me to be good to myself. I dont realize how bad it was you know? I adapted and adjusted and made it my reality.
Its true what everyone says - the pain can be good. I keep discovering new things about myself.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
If you ever reread some of my first posts here, especially when I discovered that the majority of the $hit my ex told me about his life were ALL FALSE, and most especially with regards to his delusions about how there's an apocalypse coming in 14 years and his son is going to lead mankind into a new era...I understand COMPLETELY about feeling like you're losing your mind.
It didn't help that I hid a lot of what XAH did and said from those I loved, so they didn't quite know what was going on...
When I left him, I let it ALL out for everyone to see and hear. It really helped to see people's eyes bulge and their mouthes drop open when I recounted certain stories or events...it also made me realize how much I'd been minimizing or how much I had believed what he said about me. I truly was living in CrazyLand and XAH was busily buying me a lifetime membership.
Hehe thank god for SR.
It didn't help that I hid a lot of what XAH did and said from those I loved, so they didn't quite know what was going on...
When I left him, I let it ALL out for everyone to see and hear. It really helped to see people's eyes bulge and their mouthes drop open when I recounted certain stories or events...it also made me realize how much I'd been minimizing or how much I had believed what he said about me. I truly was living in CrazyLand and XAH was busily buying me a lifetime membership.
Hehe thank god for SR.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by lulu1974
You are brave to re-read them. I stay away from everything to do with him. For now. Or maybe forever.
I may adopt a doggie..
CIA..funny but maybe now I understand why my sponser tells me to be good to myself. I dont realize how bad it was you know? I adapted and adjusted and made it my reality.
Its true what everyone says - the pain can be good. I keep discovering new things about myself.
I may adopt a doggie..
CIA..funny but maybe now I understand why my sponser tells me to be good to myself. I dont realize how bad it was you know? I adapted and adjusted and made it my reality.
Its true what everyone says - the pain can be good. I keep discovering new things about myself.
The decision to detach and go no contact (for the most part) was the right one.
Today I feel like I could stop and admire something of beauty around me, or enjoy the sunshine, or laugh. I went a long time without being able to do that.
I have set the wheels in motion that need to be. Now I have fulfilled what I set out to accomplish, it's in God's hands now.
Tomorrow something might happen that may stop me feeling like this. But at least I have today. I have right now, so I intend to let it infuse me.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day
When I left him, I let it ALL out for everyone to see and hear. It really helped to see people's eyes bulge and their mouthes drop open when I recounted certain stories or events...it also made me realize how much I'd been minimizing or how much I had believed what he said about me. I truly was living in CrazyLand and XAH was busily buying me a lifetime membership.
Hehe thank god for SR.
He is someone else's problem now, 2 months on match.com and he is still there ..well not sure since I havent checked in weeks but I am thinking his hunt for a new lady aint going so great. But I see what he is doing there too. The match.com was a bit for my benefit. His head games and guess what for a few weeks I fell for it,,.automatically I was like..Am I not good enough? Its amazing how I play right into the ridiculous..But what I wrote about is precisiouly why I fall into the ridiculous so I am trying to make peace.
Thank you for your kind words
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
It's hard lulu. It's real hard. I had to talk to a lot of my closer friends about it, often. Thank God I have such decent people in my life with patience. It was the only way I could sort out my ex's insanity from my own perceptions.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
When I left #3, I lost like 50lbs in 60 days.
People at work (and everywhere really)
asked me how much I'd lost -
adn I'd say -
"Counting the idiot? about ... 300 lbs and a truck payment."
People at work (and everywhere really)
asked me how much I'd lost -
adn I'd say -
"Counting the idiot? about ... 300 lbs and a truck payment."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by barb dwyer
When I left #3, I lost like 50lbs in 60 days.
People at work (and everywhere really)
asked me how much I'd lost -
adn I'd say -
"Counting the idiot? about ... 300 lbs and a truck payment."
People at work (and everywhere really)
asked me how much I'd lost -
adn I'd say -
"Counting the idiot? about ... 300 lbs and a truck payment."
I miss the fool but dont you worry I wont dare break the nc...
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
My nc was easy - he'd threatened to shoot me on sight.
the hard part was partying and not being seen.
I litereally went to work from the woods.
I camped in the Gallatin Wilderness...
and went to work from camp.
Amazingly enough -
it was one of themost wonderful amazing times of my life.
I was also in my early-mid thirties.
the hard part was partying and not being seen.
I litereally went to work from the woods.
I camped in the Gallatin Wilderness...
and went to work from camp.
Amazingly enough -
it was one of themost wonderful amazing times of my life.
I was also in my early-mid thirties.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Barb.....I am still chuckling at your answer to how much weight you'd lost.
noday....I remember your early posts, and his wacky stories had my eyes bulging and mouth sagging in amazement. You have come miles down your own road since then.
Lulu....Like you I have lots written in diaries and have wondered whether to toss them out or not. Decided to put them away as insurance policy, as tho RABF is doing well, and has even kept from smoking for 6 weeks, he is an A.
I want the original actions, hurts and pain to sift thru if I ever need to, to gather that misery around me like a shield and strengthen my determination never to go thru it again.
Funny how someone who is so damaged by addiction can convince me that I am the cause of HIS problems, tell me that I am useless, ugly, dumb and hateful, and I believe it for so long.
Wonderful when I finally learn it is a load of ABS and I am free to be the me I was meant to be.
Well done to us all, for where we have come to since leaving where we were.
God bless
noday....I remember your early posts, and his wacky stories had my eyes bulging and mouth sagging in amazement. You have come miles down your own road since then.
Lulu....Like you I have lots written in diaries and have wondered whether to toss them out or not. Decided to put them away as insurance policy, as tho RABF is doing well, and has even kept from smoking for 6 weeks, he is an A.
I want the original actions, hurts and pain to sift thru if I ever need to, to gather that misery around me like a shield and strengthen my determination never to go thru it again.
Funny how someone who is so damaged by addiction can convince me that I am the cause of HIS problems, tell me that I am useless, ugly, dumb and hateful, and I believe it for so long.
Wonderful when I finally learn it is a load of ABS and I am free to be the me I was meant to be.
Well done to us all, for where we have come to since leaving where we were.
God bless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by barb dwyer
Lulu -
it might be fun/even beneficial and healing ...
to take that list
and write a posiitive affirmation for each one.
it might be fun/even beneficial and healing ...
to take that list
and write a posiitive affirmation for each one.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by Jadmack25
Lulu....Like you I have lots written in diaries and have wondered whether to toss them out or not. Decided to put them away as insurance policy, as tho RABF is doing well, and has even kept from smoking for 6 weeks, he is an A.
.
Funny how someone who is so damaged by addiction can convince me that I am the cause of HIS problems, tell me that I am useless, ugly, dumb and hateful, and I believe it for so long.
Wonderful when I finally learn it is a load of ABS and I am free to be the me I was meant to be.
Well done to us all, for where we have come to since leaving where we were.
God bless
.
Funny how someone who is so damaged by addiction can convince me that I am the cause of HIS problems, tell me that I am useless, ugly, dumb and hateful, and I believe it for so long.
Wonderful when I finally learn it is a load of ABS and I am free to be the me I was meant to be.
Well done to us all, for where we have come to since leaving where we were.
God bless
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