cinderellawkids

I dont know what it is maybe my need for validation, maybe just being codependant or newly outta this, sorta. My feelings are raw, this has been a long month.

February 17 I filed an injunction against AH after he'd blown over 1500 dollars on crack and drank 10 bottles of whiskey all in 7 days. (and I worried he'd demand, insist and hurt me for money he knew I had in the bank)

ANyway fast forward to today. My kids were going for a supervised weekend visit. (Oldest 2 are his stepkids but he raised them and wants to be in their life) Anyway my 12 year old has decided not to go his stomach in knots ect, I think he's afraid of being hurt again.
When MIL called to arrange kids pickup, I told her he wasnt coming, she seemed disappointed-her son's 13 and they were close, but said well its his choice. Then somehow added Ahs been sober 6 weeks...well, it could only possibly be 5 weeks yesterday, but regardless I have so many mixed feelings about that, ANGER ect.

I want to be happy for him but today Im just not there.
My gut says he's fooling MIL and substance evaluator and I hurt for my children in that case, and actually himself too.

I dont know why i cant get this out of my head. Im also Angry he can do this now but not with me, and angry he didnt just leave in the days I begged him too before file injunction. (Although without injunction he'd likely still be trying to walk all over me and be free to show up at 4 am and refuse to leave and once again me have to have police tell me they can do nothing we are married.)

So those are my feelings today and they hurt like ^%*%.

Only thing that warmed my heart was my 5 yr old telling his 8yr old brother he's so happy he's coming this time because he always misses him

Ann

Go for a walk, stop at the library and grab some nice new books, maybe buy a treat for yourself, and take time to notice nature and the beauty of the day.

That usually helps me shake out the woulda, coulda, shoulda's and flush out the "what if's".

It is what it is, and your life is good today and your children have a stable home where they don't have to "guess how daddy is today".

Yup, get out for that walk, maybe find a meeting and go for coffee afterwards.

I promise you will feel better at the end of the day. Codie's Honour!

Hugs

liesagain

Cinder~~~~
Honestly IF it were that EASY for him to get and stay sober he would have done it at home you must know that deep down......
how many times did he say thats it I'm done, start reading NA stuff working out helping around the house being great with the kids etc.....????

You know it doesnt last that long, and maybe the family isnt seeing it, but the key word is YET, they arent seeing it yet. Besides arent several of his family members addicts too? Doesnt he use with his siblings? I'd bet they are all pretty good at hidding it from mom the enabler...

I'm sure it hurts to think hes doing oh so well without YOU but IT wasnt YOu to start with and it isnt YOU NOW, dont let anyone make you feel less than or doubt yourself.

CAPTAINZING2000

Don't fall for the blame game.

prayers going out to you and your kids!!

cinderellawkids

Lies, his brother he used with is stuck penniless on the streets of Ohio or somewhere...someday he'll make his way back and they always got each other drinking after sobriety. His sister is 6 months pregnant and staying clean.


Ok...keeping my head going. Ive doing well just gotta keep remembering that...it is great not to constantly think what will he say, will he like that, etc.

And Ann, like you said, Kids are in stable home now and with him they always had to wonder, now they know.

Also, I know had I not made him leave, nothing would have changed

CAPTAINZING2000

you said it there

You helped him hit a bottom hopefully!!

cinderellawkids

Im so mad...very very mad.

1yr old decided he wanted to go for visit with his brothers and it would be ok. His nerves have had his stomach full of knots. Ah told 12yr old he couldnt come now. SOn reasoned with him stomach was in knots, he wasnt sick but wants to come, thinks itll be ok and AH said NO.

Son has sent me 100 texts that he hates him. Talking to son I started to cry for him and his pain. What a jerk!

He knows darn well hes not sick and is doing this to punish him, and/or because he's hurt son wasnt overjoyed in going.(likely the latter)
I feel the same as I do when he's drunk and raging and Im backed against the closet wall.

I almost called MIL and gave her an earful about how he was again hurting the kid (since she's the go between for kids) but then decided the healthier thing to do would be comfort my son and show him all the love I can. Unfortuantely like me he's feeling all the same feeling we felt when AH was with us and active.

I cant let the dysfunction behavior to allow me to act dysfunctionally as well

I no longer care if hes sober, regardless he's a jerk.

(Interestingly he sent along a money order for child support. Ill be thankful for that $40, but know it means nothing, nothings changed. Leopards dont suddenly change there spots.

hello-kitty

What a feckin' jerk. For what it's worth, I'm sorry. That hurts and that makes me want to kill your ex. See?! Your gut instincts were right. The guy may or may not be clean. It doesn't matter because inside his heart is made of stone. What do you get when you take drugs away from an A-hole? An a-hole.

cinderellawkids

Love that thanks.

My poor son has been through so much this past month. His grandfathers death on the 1st hit him hard, preteen hormones kicking in big time, school peer pressure and now this. I told him AH was doing him a favor and we'd have fun, so he's going with me and my sister out to dinner and to see ALice in Wonderland tonite, Planning a get together with friends at skatepark tomorrow and maybe one of his friends to stay over on Saturday.

wicked

Yeah, I felt the same thing. Jesus please us, what a maroon! Pfffft.
My ex did the same friggin' thing, he knew that my children's pain hurt me, so he continued this crap for a while. I really, really, really wanted to hurt him.
But, I didn't.
CWK, I wish I had some words of wisdom, I don't, I want to tell you I understand how angry you are. Oh my, I do get that.

cinderellawkids

Funny how this snapped me into reality. Im very angry for my son, but now I KNOW I did the right thing filing the restraining order.

So todays gratitudes: So happy I can apply that $40 where its needed and he cant take it back; happy to have no fear of tvs or computer disappearing, happy when I have cash in my purse it stays there and happy I dont have to be over protective with my car keys when I should be sleeping. Tonite Im driving 45 min out of my way to see a movie on an IMAX screen and Im thrilled NOONE will tell me that's crazy

StillLearning1

Cinder-
Oh man.... Adult child.. adult child.. king baby... Self-centered, spoiled, entitled, ungrateful, yucky o yucko!!

Okay.. sorry now I feel better!
I love what you are doing tonight. Love the fact that your son's gut.. doesn't FEEL good, and he CAN tell you- and you are NOT ignoring or denying his feelings!

Earlier when you were talking about your anger. It has had me thinking all day. Anger, well heck- pretty normal/healthy feeling, considering...
It had me thinking about the "fight or flight" response.
When we are full of fear.. our bodies are programed, chemicals are released to either fight or run. Adrenalin is released.
Also.. the talking thing. I bet you wanted to scream. NOT just talk. But you can not even talk. Say how you feel.

So- my uneducated opinion? I think it makes us sick!!
Know what I used to do when that anger was raging? Nope- at least for me, the bath bubbles didn't do it for me. I threw ice cubes at trees. (I didn't want to break glass and gee- then have to pick it up!) So I threw ice cubes at trees.

My son's- they play football. They hit baseballs.
Heck I think some women play tennis, just cause they can wack that ball!!

So.. I love the idea of the movie. At the same time honey- it may be kind of hard to sit there, quietly.. you've had some adrenalin rushing!! If you can, get rid of it? Turn the music up high, throw on your favorite music and SING at the top of your lungs!! Sure encourage your son, to do the dashboard drums!!
And guess what? My 12 year old is on his way home. He and I are gonna find something to do tonight... to get rid of some of this adrenalin! (I've been ticked off lately!!)

cinderellawkids

Thanks Still Learning....we are gonna go jog before dinner. ( A few months ago we ran a 5 K together)

Love the ice cubes thing lol....but ice is a commodity around my house.

StillLearning1

See Cinder, YOU do it naturally!! You are WAY more healthy than me!! You are going for a jog... Did a 5k? Carrying the grocieries in, is a workout for me!!!

You have a fabulous time!! I am going to go for a 5k ride and sing and play dashboard drums and Maybe... a itty bitty walk?

cinderellawkids

I must admit....I walked quite a bit of the 5k...but I finished it...and under 45 min
lol, maybe the next one Ill do better

Ann

My son's ex stopped letting my son visit his son because he wasn't consistant, called it off far too often and it was emotionally unsettling for the boy.

I have to admire that woman, she took care of her son very well and could stand by her boundaries.

I'm glad you are having a special night at the movies instead of stewing around angry at ex.

You don't have to participate in his dysfunction, and neither do your kids.

Hugs

Babs

One of the things I had to learn when I divorced my XAH was to stay out of his relationship with my sons. My sons are a little older than yours, but the theory is still the same. I used to be like a switchboard between what the husband said and what the sons felt.......oh, Dad didn't really mean that........oh, Dad was just kidding.......... When XAH got out of jail and went for long-term rehab (2 years) I refused to enable him any more and he started sending his guilt letters (with requests for cigarettes) to my son. My son made it a point to go to see him. Why? To tell him that never, in his whole life had he ever felt like his father was there for him, and now that his father was the one in need..........sorry Charlie, don't call us, we'll call you. My son's feelings were justified. His father was finally feeling the consequences of his actions. I had to just stay out of it.

Kids know. They hurt......... sometimes they hurt bad........ but our dampening the interaction only prolongs the agony. They are the only ones who can (and usually do) finally decide to pull the plug on the relationship. The more we get mixed up in it, the longer it takes.

I cant let the dysfunction behavior to allow me to act dysfunctionally as well

Keep your eyes on that prize, Cindi. Keep your side of the street clean. Act honorably and kindly, but firmly. Your boys need one sane parent, and you are it! Taking yourself down into his dogfight does no one any good. Not you. Not your boys. Not even your AH. All it does is show him that he can still push your buttons......he can still manipulate you through your children......in other words, HE WINS......again. And it is your children who lose......again.

You are strong and tough and resilient, but your sons also need you to be wise, and gentle and calmly protective. Wisely and calmly make the visitation rules, and stick to them.

You can do this, Girlfriend.

Babs