teke

now that my ah is gone, i guess i'm trying to figure out why i'm having such a hard time moving on.

like most others, when my ah was good, he was very good but when he was not, he seemed to have been the worst of the worst. very mean, vindictive, mysterious, manipulative, selfish, unfaithful plus all the other common addictive behavior. the last few yrs he was just plan horrible towards me and around the kids.

you would think i would be relieved to be finally free especially since i didn't have to go through the pain of divorce. you know the "for better or worse" thingy. i really did struggle with that and it cost me a lot of wasted yrs even though i know i learned a lot through out the process.

can someone help me to understand what is wrong with me. why am i having such a hard time. it was easier to let go while he was alive but now that he's actually gone, it seems so much harder.

i am seeking counseling but it seems as if after all the pain and suffering caused by him and his addiction, i should be well on my way to feeling better about my life. how is it that i continue to grieve so hard over someone who i thought actually set out to take me down with him. yes, his last words to me was "i love you" but all the yrs of him saying and acting like he hated me, still rang louder.

it sometimes feel like my life is actually just about over, i guess i keep thinking about the fact that i'm much older than i was when i first started this ride.
thank you for any and all comments. when you guys start posting, i know i'm gonna hear what i need to hear.

Ann

Grief doesn't just disappear overnight, Teke. It takes time and it takes healing.

Be patient with yourself, there is no time frame as you work through this. Just know that you are in my prayers and I'm walking with you each day.

Hugs

suki44883

Awww, there's nothing wrong with you. You're still grieving, which is understandable. These are just my thoughts, so take them with a grain of salt.

I guess the difference between him being gone and getting a divorce is that everything is really final. There's no slowing down and getting off the ride. You were going down the road and suddenly hit a brick wall. That being his unexpected death. That's it. No more words to say, no more expectations, no more hope that he might get better. It's over. Your logical mind knows this, but it takes time for our emotional mind to catch up.

It's just going to take time. It really hasn't been that long. Don't try to rush yourself. Allow it to happen in its own time. (((HUGS)))

littlebird77

You are being so hard on yourself... Why in the world would you think this would be easy or a relief? If someone you love suffers from cancer and dies are you relieved they died? Sure they are not suffering... and neither are you at this moment, but it's still hard and you are grieving. Please give yourself a huge hug from me and know you have made it this far. It will take time.

Impurrfect

((Teke)) - I don't know about you, but when I finally let go of XABF, I knew without a doubt that we would never be a couple again, but I still honestly thought that at some point we could be friends. I had visions of us sitting around, a few years from now, talking about the good times, me visiting his family (because THEY are awesome and very healthy). I don't think it was something I sat around, consciously thinking about, but I know, now, that I did have those thoughts.

When he died, I felt like not only did I lose him, but I lost all contact with his family because I didn't really know how to get in touch with them after his mom had died. There wasn't going to be any "sitting around later, talking about good times". Yes, he hurt me tremendously, but it wasn't all bad and I know it wasn't all bad for you and your husband either.

When my mom died, it took me 6 months for it to actually sink it that she was gone..for my mind/heart/and gut to all get together and "get it". We all go through grief in our own time, in our own way, but it really hasn't been that long, sweetie...not compared to the years and years, all the memories you have of him.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Please don't be hard on yourself for how you feel. He was more than "just an addict", just as you and I are more than that. He may not have found recovery, but still...he was someone you loved, a father to your kids. I know it also has hurt you that his family has totally shut down on you, and that just adds hurt to a broken heart.

Give yourself all the time you need. Be gentle with yourself..you are not a bad person because you love an addict. Remember.....we are walking with you, sweetie. And please...call me any time, okay?

Love, hugs and prayers!

Amy

Freedom1990

I echo the sentiments of everyone else. Grief is a process that takes time! Be gentle with yourself. Be good to yourself. :ghug3 :ghug3

cece1960

(((Teke)))
I think when we decide enough is enough, we know that we made a decision and use that as our motivation. But when someone is taken from us, and from this world, we are forced to reckon with it. I do think being forced is sometimes harder in the long run.

Addicts can be mean and cruel and hateful, but they deserve a chance at life. It just doesn't always work out that way. Maybe this isn't about you moving on, but simply the loss you've experienced, and the finality.

I hope that in time you can celebrate the good and leave behind the bad. But as they say, time takes time.

You're in my thoughts and prayers teke...everyday.

Soleus

The lack of closure is something else that could be making this difficult. It's final and done, there's no way to ask the questions you want to ask or have the hope for the future. This is the father of your children, there's no way you're going to feel relief that their father is gone even though he made things difficult. Sometimes it takes time for the reality of passing on to settle in, we can never know what to expect. All the anger and resentment you may feel for him is all you can remember right now since negative thoughts surround him. You had years together and it's going to take some time to readjust. Things are calmer now, which is an adjustment in itself.

Take care, my thoughts are with you.

Chino

Letting go is the act of releasing. It doesn't bring back love that was freely given, or even stop it.

You loved him teke, you still love him and you always will. You're hurting because you had the courage to love. He loved you, too and always will. Your love is perfect now and will be forever.

teke

i just don't see how i can take much more. i'm just so tired of my heart hurting until i don't know what to do. when it hits, it hits like a whirlwind.

i don't really think i should feel relief, everyone deserves to live. maybe since i went through so much while he was here, i feel somehow i deserve to not have to keep trying to live through all the pain of him leaving.

the older kids bought me and the 2 younger kids keepsake urn pendants that i''m suppose to wear but i'm not sure if wearing it will somehow keep me stuck. i've been thinking maybe i should get rid of mine or something. every day has been a struggle.

impurrfect,
it does hurt that his family literally enable him to death but then wanted nothing at all to do with his passing. it hurts that they loved him soooooooooo much while he lived but after his death, they didn't want to claim his body. they wanted them to throw his remains away. thank god for you guys, the kids and i at least have a place to go visit from time to time. they have no idea where he's buried.

they couldn't shut me down though, i appreciate that they dont try to keep in contact with us, but i do i feel like they abandoned ah. for the first time in yrs, i don't have to deal with them and their little snide remarks.

his mom said "now that he's out the way, she can live" what that means i don't understand and i'm not really trying to. all i know is that i'm tired but don't know how to make the pain ease. you would think a 2yr separation would help but it feels like not so much.

Satya

Carol Star

" Take your time,'cause time is what it's gonna take , until one day you'll awake and there'll be one less tear, and you'll heal, I know you will......"-Ce Ce Winans

hello-kitty

When my boyfriend died of a cocaine overdose, I remember crying every day. I remember thinking would I ever get through the day without crying again? Then one night when I went to bed, I realized I hadn't cried that day. AND I was actually able to think of him without bawling. I think it took about 3 months to get to that point. Then after maybe 6 months, I specifically remembering going a full week without crying... and then it was a month.... Oh I do remember freaking out on the one year anniversary of his death. But then eventually, I don't remember how long it took, but one day I realized I hadn't cried in a really long time. I also realized I wasn't counting the days between tears anymore. That was when I was finally able to believe that it was true - eventually the grief passes and the sun comes out to stay. The earth keeps turning. Life keeps going. And I was able to keep up with it and not feel like all was lost.

It takes a while for the pain to go away. But it DOES go away. Keep the faith Teke. Stay in today. Just because he's gone, doesn't mean the work on your recovery is done. Life is a journey. You've just been through a tumultuous season.

(((hugs)))

Darina

I don't have any more words of advice than what others have said. Only this, don't deny your feelings. You're allowed to feel whatever you feel. Even if you think in your heart it's "wrong". There's no such thing. I'm sorry you're going through this pain

AWEDA

Teke,
I'm right there with you. It's been almost 3 weeks since my exah died of liver failure. Some don't understand how we can grieve after all the hell we went through.
I just know for me that I will hold him in my heart forever, that is between him and I.
Like everyone said it will take time,but my feelings are real and I will feel them each day.
Thinking of you with love and peace..........

catlovermi

I think there are two elements to this type of grief.

The first is grieving the person and all the experiences you had with them.

The second is grieving the dream within you of the life you had wanted, had envisioned, that the person was integrated into.

When the person is gone, the dream often persists and is much harder, and longer to let go and grieve. As long as we hold the dream, the person's role isn't over, because they represented that dream, they were the key to the lock to that dream.

We have to grieve to the point of letting go of the dream, before it all starts to settle out.

And FWIW, I think your grief process is normal. It is awful feeling, but normal.

Sending encouragement,

CLMI

frankly

((teke))

Deprived of fairness. It's not just mourning of his passing. It is also excepting and coming to terms with the injustice of it all.

Think about that, we are always taught that when you grow up, if you are a good person, treat people right, do the right thing, then you are rewarded with a happy life. When that doesn't happen, even after you have gone above and beyond to do EVERYTHING right, you got cheated. And it's not supposed to happen that way. You are supposed to be rewarded. This has been no reward. The chances of that reward are gone. So, not only do you have to mourn the man you loved, you also have to mourn the chance for it to turn out differently, the happy ending that we were promised while growing up.

That reality is often times overwhelming just by itself. It can leave you vulnerable to life and events beyond your control. And you may not even realize that you may be mourning your beliefs in justice, or right and wrong.

You are a good person Teke. You have done everything in your power to do. You followed the rules, you did everything right, yet I'm sure it feels like you are still being punished. It's not fair, and we have all been raised to believe in fairness, justice, right and wrong. This all must just feel so very wrong, yet you are powerless to change any of it. Not just his death, but the loss your kids feel, the actions of his family, the stress of holding it all togeather for all of you. That's a whole lot of mourning for a whole lot of different things.

Give yourself a break Teke, give it all up to your HP's shoulders to carry for a while. Give yourself permission to mourn all these things, it's ok to do that. There is no shame in what you are feeling. I promise that even though it may feel like it, you are not being punished, you have done nothing wrong. You have lost more than a husband, explore those other losses too, acknowledge them, mourn them and be kind to yourself as you walk through the pain.

Just my thoughts, they may not apply to you, but then again they just may.

Love you Teke. ((((((hugs))))))

B

teke

\

this feels so true, as far as i can remember i feel like i've gone out of my way to try to live a life thats pleasing to my hp who i choose to call god. even while i was so bound by my own addiction and couldn't seem to do what i knew was right to do, i still struggled to avoid doing as much wrong as i possibly could, so yes, i guess it feels like i'm constantly being punished for what? i just do know. i don't know how to fix my life so that it don't have to continue being this way.

i feel like a little girl who wants to throw a temper tantrum because its not my way only know that doing so, does no good. it changes nothing. seems like there has to be a road i can take that avoids all of this but the road is somewhere hidden, so even though i'm seeking it, i'm still feeling lost, like i'm having a hard time finding my way through.

aweda

i'm so sorry about your loss. you and your family are definitely in my thoughts and prayers.

just want to thank you all. i know you guys are here for me, i know that if there is a place that i can share my feelings and be excepted, its here, thank you.

sofacat

teke....

Maybe you just need some closure. Have you tried writing a letter to Him? Write down everything you are feeling and have always wanted to say? Throw His family in there too while you're at it! Sounds like you have a lot of unanswered feelings about them as well.

I did that years after my AF died. I realized how much of a pedestal I always put Him on...and now I see Him for who He truly was. I no longer hang on to any guilt or create any delusions in my mind of who I wanted Him to be. I hung on to that letter for as long as I needed to...and then the day came when I no longer needed it, and tossed it into my fireplace. It was very cathartic.

It could help.

(((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))

katiedid79

Grief and all those steps that you are now going threw are all part of the greiving process , perfectly normal and each person sets there own pace each persons experiances and the way we deal with them and what we have been threw are all different. Some can breaze by while others go back threw there steps of greiving , If indeed this is affecting your daily life meaning affecting your job and such then do seek help thats what they are there for.
Some of us go threw the steps feel better for a bit to then, later on something else will reserface and then must go threw the greiving process again. Sometimes we move foward somtimes back , as long as you are moving forward at you own pace even if you do get set back , pick your self up again and go threw the process again , that is all we can do . This is a vary good lesson in life that im am now faceing atm granted my addicted ex is no longer in my life as I have moved on , but something else will come up , we have a 2 year old toghether and the pain comes back again , I then have to start the process all over again. I dont try to make sence of him anymore , to make sence out of insanity is insantiy in its self . Big hug! :ghug3