Freedom1990

It's so difficult when my depression hits a 'surge' spot in my life and whacks me.

After I lost my 15 year old Newfoundland mix the 1st of this month, it was like the major changes of a year all hit me at once.

I lost four of my beloved dogs in one year, 3 to very old age and related conditions, and one to cancer.

My 21 year old moved out last September shortly after her dog Toby passed away.

I have a close friend I've known for about 7 years, and she has gotten so caught up in her sister's mental illnesses/chaos/dyfunction that she's all but dropped off the face of this earth. She's always been there for me when I've lost a dog (she's also a dog lover/owner), and I couldn't even get ahold of her the last 2 dogs I lost.

I got screwed at my job last September and didn't even get a kiss.

My pain level has been ramped up to maximum. When I first applied for disability, I got a limited medical card. My primary care physician put me on Neurontin to help with the sciatica/overall pain, and depakote for my migraines.

My medical card paid for those, but the 18 month limit on that came due in November, so I had to go off of those meds since I had had no work at the hospital since late September.

Increased physical pain = increased depression.

In the midst of all this I am trying to finish up college and look for another job.

I did hear back today from the one medical center that my application had been received (there was a glitch on my end when I filled out the electronic application and thought I had sent it, so I had to resend this morning) and will be forwarded to the appropriate person.

The good news is I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today, and thank God they have a full-time RN there who helps with patient drug assistance programs. She had samples of Neurontin there that she sent home with me, and I signed the form that goes directly to the pharmaceutical company so I can get the medication at no cost.

I've got to get past the initial drowsiness of starting back on the Neurontin, and I am trying so hard not to completely slide into the abyss of that paralyzing depression I've had in the past.

I'm trying to think positive about a potential job with the medical center. The depressed me says I won't even get an interview, which is that crap self-talk I tend to do.

My employment specialist is my hero, and she's been to the medical center to talk to them and sing my praises. So why do I keep hearing that crap self-talk in my head?

It's the damned depression, and I'm so tired of feeling this way.

I've been getting out and walking every day except when it has rained.

I just want this heavy cloud to lift off of my brain and heart.

I know this too shall pass. I've got to keep putting one foot in front of the other, right?

Carol Star

Yoga really helped (cured) my sciatia. 5HDP helps depression and walks are great. You have sadness from the loss of your pets. I think you are just feeling.

coffeedrinker

Just here to offer you a hug. You are doing everything right. This, too, shall pass.:ghug3

wicked

Yes, it will Anna. It will pass. I think you are doing a great job of taking care of business, sometimes I don't wanna do anything!
I have to go downtown tomorrow and talk to the pain management RN. She is always so distracted, but I am determined to get the help I need, instead of letting her run over me because I am low right now.
Your post helped my resolve, I was already feeling overwhelmed, and I saw what you are doing, thank you.
Beth:ghug3

Still Waters

One foot in front of the other...

What movie was that song in? OMG. Now it's stuck in my head and I can't remember what movie it was in!!!!!!11

Freedom1990

Make sure you do! I am so fortunate that this RN at the mental health center is so helpful! When I lost my medical card, I had asked my local pharmacy how much my Remeron would be, and they quoted me $84. It might as well have been $84,000,000! This RN told me about a pharmacy that coordinates with mental health, and I got the Remeron for $15! They even mail it out to me every month so I don't have to drive the 40 miles to the pharmacy.

It's so important that we stand up for ourselves when we need help. Keep us posted on how it goes tomorrow, okay?

least

I so much understand this. It IS like a heavy cloud pressing down on us, making it hard to breathe. I hope you feel better soon.:ghug3

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your dogs. That hits us so hard because we are so close to them. Big (((hugs))) for you.

Jadmack25

You have had a &%$#@))* of a year, DeVon!
Pain and rain do not make a good combination, as enough of both just drags me down.

So far we have had so many grey rainy days here, apart from cyclone Elui, that I look each morning to check if I have webbed feet.

I just rang the booking clerk for theatre and told her that I needed moving up the list for my foot op, as putting my weight on my other leg has sent my arthritic knee ballistic and my sciatica is growling, in spite of very, very heavy meds.

Sometimes it pays just to hide away, pull the sheet over my head and ignore the world for a while....til I feel able to look at life without a whimper or a snarl.



Hope the medications do their job and you are feeling much better soon, as you really are a beacon of hope for so many of us here.

God bless

transformyself

This is so true. Even without the loss of your beloved pets, the chronic pain would be contributing to the depression. Before I started practicing Bikram yoga, I crawled out of bed every morning. Crawled. Sciatica is evil. And I had other back issues. But like someone else said, yoga has healed my body.

I know others have recommended the same to you, but I had to be so freaking desperate before I tried it. It's one of the gifts my AH infidelity gave me. I was so traumatized I went into that yoga room, whereas I had known for years I needed it but didn't have the courage.

That being said, I just want to offer you support and huge hugs for now.

At least your hearing and acknowleding it. That means healing and changing it us up next, and knowing you, knowing the spit fire determination you have, it shouldn't be long.

Huge hugs Freedom

Still Waters

It was a Christmas special, one of those old stop motion ones. I swear.

Hang in there Freedom, I've got no words of wisdom, just hope - that things will get better soon.

barb dwyer

****** huggs }}}

PHIZ007

Freedom please add my suppoort to the pile!

You have had a crap time! but you know what? I actually think you are doing alot better than you think! You have posted here and you said it yourself this too will pass.

Keep going.....you will be fine!.....I agree with Jadmack too though sometimes its good to hide out for a while till you feel strong and ready once again to tackle the world.

Take care....keep posting and look after you. Phiz

lulu1974

Oh dear. You have my full support. I noticed these things always happen in multiples..Its never just one thing. It can never be one death or one cheating episode...Its always multiples. But nonetheless..You poor thing. I am sure you have many great memories of them. I would love one but I am not home during the day. Hugs!

Freedom1990

Oh my God, Jad, I started laughing when I saw this picture!

Thanks for lifting my spirits.

Thanks to all of you for responding.

Impurrfect

((DeVon)) - you have really had one helluva year, and I'm sorry you're struggling. I know, for me, it can either be increased pain and/or lack of sleep but they will lead me to depression.

I'm glad your psychiatrist has an RN who knows what she's doing and helps you. I'm praying that the job at the medical center comes through, if it's meant to be (I don't want you in another situation like that last job)....if it's not the right job, then darn it I've got a back up prayer for the right job!

You are STILL my hero. I haven't done any of my school work, lately, thanks to MY depression/anxiety, etc. You are so much stronger than I.

Hang in there, sweetie. You've got so many people praying for you, sending you good thoughts, etc. Just keep putting that one foot in front of the other

((Jadmack)) - I just want to thank you for all the smiles you've put on my face with you're pictures and your ES&H - you are awesome.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Ann

Hugs from me too.

I lost my dear Toby almost 8 months ago, and I still get very sad about that when I think of him, so I cannot imagine how hard it would be after all you have been through.

You're a strong woman, and smart enough to know when things are okay with you and when they are not, so I have a feeling you'll come through this just fine in time.

Meanwhile, we're walking with you and keeping you in our prayers.

Hugs

Freedom1990

You know, there are days I decide I'm just going to do the assignments for one class, and that's it. I'm carrying 5 classes this semester, and I just have to keep plugging away.

Some days it's just one stinking assignment. Then I'll get on a roll and do 8 hours of homework the next day.

I'm back to taking it 5 minutes at a time, and that's okay.

I'm glad I have friends who understand depression because my family sure doesn't.

I'll never forget when Dad said I wouldn't need antidepressants if I had God in my life (which interprets to mean I'm a disappointment to him because I don't attend church anymore).

That one really hurt.

Impurrfect

(((DeVon))

:ghug3 I know. My dad recently told me I was still a "dope addict" - I'm just using legal drugs, now. All I'm taking is stuff for depression/PTSD/sleep and migraines.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

GiveLove

((( DeVon )))

Jadmack25

So where does that put me?
I am on anti-depressants and have God very much in my life.
Some Saints suffered from depression, not that I am up to that standard yet.

Actually I thank God constantly for his gifts of medical folk, medications and research that give so many a lifestyle that otherwise they may not have.

I have noticed that some very basic comments and advice, can come from those who do not have much understanding of a subject.

I got told once to "think positive thoughts and pull myself together".

It did ease my depression for a short while....as I contemplated just how to kill them in the slowest, most painful way possible ...whilst telling them to "think positive thoughts now if you can."

Know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

God bless