Soleus

For the recovery addicts out there, and I hope this isn't too personal a question, I keep hearing that addicts don't care about others when they're active. That "if he really cared about you he wouldn't be doing drugs". I have a small issue with that, he was using way before I ever came along and by that time all the problems he had were way too deep for me to have an affect on.

I wanted to ask you if that's how you felt even when seeing your husband/wife/children/friends day in and day out, if you were more focused on drugs to care about anyone else. Drugs become a necessity like eating or water for an addict so maybe significant others and 'normies' don't know what it's like to not have necessities.

Just working through some things in my head. Any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated and please be honest. It's always hard to hear 'I didn't care' but it's better to know the truth.

Thank you

teke

i'm a ra and can only share my esp. i really did care about my loved ones but while in active addiction, the addiction would take over my thoughts and all i could think of 24/7 was drugs.. addiction has a mind of its own.

my love for my family and my hated for what my life had become was only another excuse for me to want to stay high so i wouldn't have to feel the pain. it wasn't until the pain of using became greater than the pain of not using, that i was ready to commit to any help offered or that i could find for myself. hope this makes sense.

Freedom1990

Okay, I'll hop from codependent to recovering addict.

My addictions eventually brought me to a point where I was incapable of caring. Life hurt too much. My only goal was to self-medicate that pain.

To care meant I would have to look at the pain I had caused others, and I absolutely 100% could not do that while active in my addictions.

DecBaby

This is a great question. Did I care? I did love my husband and my kids when I was using but Like the previous poster said caring would mean that I have to feel. And feeling was something I didnt want to do. Caring would force me to see how horrible I was and cause me more pain making me want to use more. So while I did love them I don't think I actually CARED. If I cared, I would have stopped a lot sooner than I did.

I think Teke said it, The pain of using became greater than the pain of not using. I just know I don't want to go back to that warped place I was in ever again. I see things clearly now and want things to stay that way.

sunnygirl68

The advice that has been given is exactly what my ex has told me when he was clean. He never stopped loving us, only could not stop using because then he would have to face the shame and self-loathing from his own actions while using.

A truly vicious cycle.

1234

Decbaby, Freedom1990, teke, and Soleus,

Thank you for answering - it really helped me to hear that today. Really really. My compassion for my A fluctuates.

I'm so grateful that you all were able to find a way out of it. Every day spent relieved from that kind of pain must be so precious.

1234

hello-kitty

I cared more about feeding my addiction than I did about my family when I was using drugs. I loved my family. But they were sure a hindrance to my drug-addict lifestyle.

Soleus

In a sense, not caring was a coping mechanism. If you cared than you'd feel even more awful than you already did. I'm starting to kinda get it. I ask because I'm sure that this is what it boils down to for significant others- family and friends, wondering how could you do this to me if you cared about me? The wives and the sons etc. feeling hurt because they don't feel like they're important, which is of course the root of all the other feelings and the lies, cheating and stealing add on to everything else. Not caring is a way to run away from problems and responsibilities and be able to do the things you do, it's your body prep you to stay on drugs. It's part of your defense system to keep you doing what your body craves. If you had the capacity to care about others then you'd never do any of the stuff you do, and you don't realize how much of a problem you have so you're kind of in limbo.

This is another point to think about in addition to the previous question.
How can you love someone without caring about them? Love is thinking and doing the best for the other person, how is it possible to feel or think you love someone but not care about what you do?

I'm sorry, I know these are very hard questions. I think it's the center point for many of the feelings we all feel and I want to try and help us all understand a little more.

Soleus

Oh- it's not just the addict doing things to other people. The biggest person they hurt is themselves.

Freedom1990

It is precious! There isn't a day go by that I don't thank God for the beautiful life I have been given in recovery.

When my EXAH died a few years back from complications due to AIDS, I was profoundly affected even though we had been divorced since 1990.

He went through rehab shortly before me, and he made the choice to drink/use the same day he got out of rehab.

He never embraced recovery. I did.

I had to leave that man for my own sanity/safety/recovery.

It was through my marriage to him that I finally hit my own bottom in my addictions, and for that I will always be grateful.

Impurrfect

I'm late on this, but I have to agree with the other RA's. I cared, but when I would actually come down from my high enough to realize how much I was hurting everyone....it would overwhelm me so much that I would do what every other addict does to deal with it....get high. My feelings, back then, where "I'll deal with that when I get clean". I distanced myself from my family.

I won't say that I ever stopped loving my family, I simply didn't allow myself to feel ANYTHING- I stayed high 24/7.

In the end, when I relapsed after having a good little chunk of clean time, I couldn't GET high enough...the pain of what I was doing just wouldn't go away, so I chose recovery.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Chino

cynical one, right on! you read my mind!

Almost 25 years ago I gave birth to my son after 27 hours of agonizing labor, 2.5 hours of futile pushing. I went through that without drugs because I wanted natural childbirth, only to end up needing an emergency c-section. He was sunny side up, 24 inches long and 8.5 lbs. I'm 5 ft nothing, and it just wasn't going to happen.

I'd do it all over in a heartbeat and I love my children.

Having said that, flash forward to a few years ago, when my son asked me if he needed to be an addict to get my attention.

I didn't realize what I was doing until he pointed it out. I saw the truth because I wanted to and my brain wasn't hijacked by drugs.

wicked

wow, anvilhead, amazing.
well done.
my drug was alcohol, but yeah, i didnt love my children less, every other day, i would quit. then the shame and self loathing would come back and the only answer my alcoholic brain had to soothe the pain was drink to blackout. every other night.

ever see the movie "trainspotting"?

ElegantlyWasted

My take is that they do, but convince themselves they don't while pretending that they do. Twisted layers of Denial if you will. Feeding the beast at the expense of doing what you think you really should be doing results in a lot of self hatred...

least

.


I couldn't have said it better myself!

Chino

I had to comment on this, it brought tears to my eyes. There were a few times I got to see my daughter during those brief moments, before she ran off again searching for anesthesia. During those moments I saw so much pain and self loathing, oh my God it hurt just seeing it. I still see them every once in a while, except now she works through them... and so do I

enodm

Yesterday I found myself thinking... At what point did my sweet loving son decide he hates me and didnt need or want me anymore.... Reading these replies helps me re-focus on WHY he is acting this way. THANK YOU!!!!!

It's an AWFUL feeling, prob one of the worts things I have ever felt. Through my recovery at Al-non I am slowly detaching and taking care of myself, but my hell it's hard!!!!
xoxo

outtolunch

May I add, looking back on that time when I was a raging and active co-dependent, ( daughter's addiction) it was really all about me. I did not raise her to be a heroin addict, so how dare she..... have a mind of her own. I did not cause her to be a heroin addict, so, how dare she become one. I was hell bent on controlling her free will and curing her addiction.

It was about my ego. Accepting this was off the charts humbling for me. While I am not a 12 stepper by any means, I have an intense appreciation for the lessons and it's all about ego.

cinderellawkids

Thats exactly what was obvious from my husband in and out of use. I know he cared, I know he didnt want to be that way, but he wasnt ready to work at it, ongoingly and would give up and give in. I think often they think Im not that bad, I remmeber a group of addicts sitting together one time saying at least we arent like so and so, we would never sell ourself for drugs....sad, I think now they all have, or manipulated money from someone believing they would

Soleus

Thanks for all your replies, that helps. Nothing made my exabf madder than for me to mention something about not caring- he'd say don't tell me I do or don't, how can you possibly say that to me when you know I love you.

Something I've been thinking about, something I came across in a book I'm reading so I thought I'd see what responses were out there. A lot of my time is currently consumed with learning about addiction. I'm sure I'll have many more questions as I go along so I appreciate everyones response.

Honestly, with this information in mind it changes my perspective some on things. I'm understanding addiction more, that it's not something personal towards others and more to do with chemical rewiring. I can be more sympathetic towards him and less angry, but that doesn't mean I have to put myself in unfavorable situations to be with him. And I don't feel like it's all about me with his addiction, but of course it's me writing so it will be things from my perspective.


A lot to think about with the previous posts.