new and need help

Old 03-24-2010, 03:50 PM
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new and need help

i am very new to this....i am a mother with 2 little girls....my sister is an alcoholic. Right now she is detoxing, in a cardiac unit of a hospital in california. we have never been close..but this is another story. my family has been dealing with this for about 15 years now....when we think that she has hit the bottom...she gets back up and goes for it again. i am so mad and hurt...because my kids adore her...and it kills me that this is where we are in life right now...please help!!
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Old 03-24-2010, 03:59 PM
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Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!

We're glad you found us! I am glad your sister is getting medical help for her detox as it can be dangerous. I hope that she is ready to embrace sobriety for life this time.

You will find lots of support and information for yourself here.

Have you attended any Alanon meetings? They offer face to face support for friends and family of alcoholics. The steps and principles are based on the same 12 steps of AA.

Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home by posting and reading as much as needed.
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Old 03-24-2010, 04:12 PM
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Your sis is very sick.
Maybe you can simply have compassion.
this does not mean you have to fix, help, or even have her around.

Just keep her in a special place in your heart.. If she could do better she would.
Addiction is a terrible place and no one knows this more than your sis. No one feels more shame abt. it than her.
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Old 03-24-2010, 04:26 PM
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hi shan welcome to SR!

I hope you'll read the stickies at the top of the forum...
and if you're looking for a better understanding
of the disease of alcoholism
please feel free to read the stickies
at the top of the Alcoholism forum.

There's also information there
about resources for your own well being
during this time
so you can keep yourself
and your family going.

Welcome aboard!!!

Read and read and read and read!!!!!!
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Old 03-24-2010, 05:01 PM
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hello shan,

welcome.

this is a super great forum. you can come here anytime and read, post, write back to folks -- we're open 24/7!
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Old 03-24-2010, 11:36 PM
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Sorry about your pain. Having a front row seat to addiction is heartbreaking as you know alreay. There is not much that you can do at this stage , but for looking after yourself for the sake of your children! So sorry.

This is a wonderful place to share. keep on coming back.
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Old 03-25-2010, 02:36 AM
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Hello
Welcome to SR
I agree there is a lot of reading, learning and supoprt here.
You are not alone
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Old 03-25-2010, 11:43 AM
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madder than hell

thank you everyone for the warm welcome. this has been very hard for me and the first time that i have asked for help. she is still in the cardiac unit and has been placed in restraints for ripping out her iv's and refusing to complete the liquid diet that would allow her body to start healing. she refuses to talk to me or my mother...who has been her biggest cheerleader....she is very combative...but is for the first time in months dry. i am not sure how much longer she will remain in the hospital....i am so mad...that i am seeing RED!!! how can someone have so much disregard for themselves and the people who love them???
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Old 03-25-2010, 12:26 PM
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I would get a copy of Melody Beattie's Codependent No More. She writes a lot about detachment.
Your sister is not yours to fix.
She is on her own path and needs to do it her way.
Love her at a distance.

Sorry you have to see her suffer.
And welcome.
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Old 03-25-2010, 01:08 PM
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what am i supposed to do....i am at a distance....we never talk, but when my mother calls...i rush in to "fix" and i know that is wrong...but i was able to get the doctors to talk to my mother...my mother is now seeing a counselor who says that my sister has a disease, this is just another excuse that my mothers offers to my sister. I am now that the point where i have asked my mother not to share anything about my sister with me. Like she isn't even there anymore. I know that this sounds so horrible and mean, but I have to take care of me and my children.
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Old 03-25-2010, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by shan123 View Post
. I am now that the point where i have asked my mother not to share anything about my sister with me. Like she isn't even there anymore. I know that this sounds so horrible and mean, but I have to take care of me and my children.
It is not horrible or mean. It is a healthy boundary. Good on you!

You can't fix your mom or sister by being your mom's sounding board. Listening to her whine about your addicted sister does not heal, cure or make anybody feel positive or sane.

Let your mom know that you do not want to hear progress reports about your sister, in a gentle way. If she brings up your sister (it takes time to get the point across) again, change the subject or let her know you have to run. Hang up.
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Old 03-25-2010, 01:24 PM
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That's the hardest part, isn't it? Because they ARE there, darn it! And they are making bad choices!
Oh, I feel you!!

Here's a quote from the book I previously referenced (pg 62)

"Detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawl; a resigned, despairing acceptance of anything life and people throw our way; a robotical walk through life oblivious to, and totally unaffected by people and problems; a Pollyanna-like ignorant bliss; a shirking of our true responsibilities to ourselves and others; a severing of our relationships. Nor is it a removal of our love and concern, although sometimes these ways of detaching might be the best we can do, for the moment.

Ideally, detachment is releasing, or detaching from, a person or problem in love. We mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy (and frequently painful) entanglements with another person's life and responsibilities, and from problems we cannot solve..."


The hard part, for me with my A, is that I don't want to accept he is really that way. He's so self-destructive. So my anger and disbelief and sadness is my reluctance to accept that it is so. As if, when I accept it as reality, I somehow am complict, or approve, of it. I don't want to!!
I somehow miss that I have no control and all I am doing is denying reality. <sigh>

All there is to do is accept that it is not your life to control. It is their life and choices and we TRULY do not know what is best for them, only what is best for us.

Sounds easy, hmm?
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Old 03-25-2010, 02:22 PM
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I see and understand what you wrote i know in my head what is the right thing to do but i go back and forth again and again then I get so angry again...and i want blame someone...or even go to california and kick the crap out of her. what type of person wants to do that?? i can go from being from being perfectly fine to crying and raging the next...and this is not the type of person that i am....
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Old 03-25-2010, 02:39 PM
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Please encourage your Mom to go to Alanon. If your Mom is enabling your sister it will likely slow down your sister's bottom. Can she be forced into treatment? Maybe the hospital can help but it doesn't sound like she is ready. I enabled my XAH for years. It didn't help him and made me CRAZY! Tell your Mom to focus on taking care of herself. oR....maybe you need a vacation from both of them.
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Old 03-25-2010, 02:48 PM
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my mother has started going to therapy and to aa meetings...but she keeps saying that my sister has a "disease" and we need to handle her with kid gloves...i feel that all my life my mother has excused her behavior. and now with this "disease" excuse...i am so sick of it. I have made my first appt for therapy..so that is a good step right???
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Old 03-25-2010, 06:36 PM
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alcoholism is recognized in the dsmv, and by the ama, as a disease.

think: dis - ease.

even diabetes and some cancers can be triggered by our own actions. once you have one of them, it is a disease as surely as one you caught by unprotected sex, smoking too many cigarettes, or a whole host of other "unnatural" forces that bring it on.

your anger is understandable. if this is what helps your mother to accept her affliction, her curse, her bad choice, then so be it. it may be a form of denial on her part, but you all want the end result to be that your sister has a chance to get well. i hope someone can have her committed.
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Old 03-25-2010, 08:26 PM
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I have a lot of trouble believing the whoever "disease" theory. You can't choose to quite having cancer or diabetes. You can choose to get help and quit drinking. Wish I could believe it. Still don't.
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