transformyself

From Thursday until Sunday I'll be seeing STBXAH every day. Sons performance, family in from out of town.

I know how I WANT to conduct myself. Strong, detached. But I'm not feeling that strong or detached. Had an evil trigger recently (and am going to do EMDR for it YAY!!!I CAN'T WAIT) and will drug myself up with anti anxiety meds if necessary. Even though I hate them, I hate being triggered more.

I"m just asking for support. I have been awake all night, working (and posting here) and will need to be working over the weekend as well, so the lack of sleep is not good. But loving my job and knowing I will be successful and happy without him is.

Oh, and I'm asking for tricks too. I know I have to be on guard with my thoughts. Don't engage on any level.

thanks ya'll.

MsPINKAcres

Praying for hedge of protection around you - for strength, courage and wisdom for you to be able to be the strong, recovery person that you are!

Remember when the ducks start quacking - you don't have to really "listen" to the words -
This is also something I like to read before I face one of those challenging situations:

Slogans in Action:

Just for Today,
I will let it Begin with Me
and THINK, How Important Is It
Before I lose my Serenity, and
If I Keep It Simple,
When my mind wants to burst
I will remember Easy Does it
and place First Things First
And isn't it kind of funny
When I feel I've bottom out
I find Hope and Courage when
I finally Let Go and Let God
But for the Grace of God
I can keep An Open Mind
and learn to Live and Let Live
One Day at a Time

HUGS to you,
Rita

coffeedrinker

I know you don't work in retail, but I do. Sometimes I am just stressed, or tired, or worried and that last thing I wanna do is interact with the customers. This is a restaurant inside a corporate setting with many "regulars". So these people are very familiar with me, for the most part - know my name, etc. On those days, I have no choice but to still engage with them, with my staff, and try my best to be pleasant. I feel as though sometimes I am an actor and this is what I must do to get through those days without seeming like I'm really off.

Put on a mask for these days. You have absolutely nothing to gain by having any discussions, letting your anger seep out, feeling like you need to "let him know" how much he's hurt you, or outing him to his family. Be the bigger person!

Don't know if that's at all helpful...

wicked

Hello transform,

sigh....
i want to be helpful, but all of my visual escapes are violent for him.
thinking of lobster lothario hangin over a pot of boiling water.
"help me! help me!"
but that would be letting him take up more space in your head.

do you have a favorite place you like to meditate on?
like the beach, or the mountains?
when i have to talk to ex on the phone, it is nice to start thinkin happy thoughts.
he rambles on and on about his latest victimhoood (his gf is a mean drunk he says lol)
and i am in my happy place.
or imagine what kind of luxury car your next boyfriend will drive.
if he tries to engage, just go to the happy place
\and get the thousand yard stare.
"what? oh, sorry, i was thinking bout my next article."
he will quickly lose interest cause it ain't about him.
Beth

transformyself

Rita thank you for the lovely prayer
Coffee- I worked retail for 20 years and your recommendation sings to me!
And Wicked, I've gotta say, I'm a little worried about us living so close. When I've got this next issue out and distributed, I say you and I get together for a wee bit of mischief. Just to see what happens...

GiveLove

I think when you're teetering on the brink of engaging with his chaos, you should think of Wicked. Imagine reporting back at the end of this weekend - what good news would you like to be able to report?

I'd also limit any conversations with him to three minutes. Set your watch if you have to. Or an egg timer. And when it goes off, smile, shrug, and walk away.

I like the suggestion from the book "Do One Thing Differently" that says if you are bound and determined to let someone drag you into a fight, then you have to agree that you'll do one thing differently. You'll have to put on a big hat, or stand in the bathtub, or do it while in downward-facing dog, or something.

Better yet, three minutes. And out.

There's only so much you can do with three minutes, y'know?

Get some rest, transformie. That'll be your best weapon.

Jadmack25

Transform, I have you in my Healing and Prayer list for Friday (my time) and Mass on Sunday.

Here is my Prayer to cover You.

I pray that…
You are blessed with total clarity of mind.
That humility is your base for every thing you do.
You receive Divine Inspiration that is yours.
That passion burns more brightly in every task you do.
That courage and caution have a perfect balance in your life.
That integrity and excellence are in all your works.
That your body, spirit and soul will forever, dance, laugh and sing!

God bless

wicked

Yes, I think that is an excellent idea.
Just a wee bit of mischief.
To keep me young.
LOL

transformyself

Thanks GL. The good news is I will still be working frantically all weekend: proofing, editing and answering my phone to work with our new lay out guy. So that's one thing I'll be doing differently-enjoying my life and career instead of focusing on him.

And three minutes is more than enough time to give him. I love the smile, shrug and bail act. Perfect.

I think the best thing I've learned recently is to just agree with an arguing A who is trying to get you to engage in teh drama and chaos. I learnt that in the mediation session with the business partner. Just kept agreeing with any of his terms. he finally gave up. It was beautiful.

But the danger this weekend lies in having ANY contact, because of my ability to trigger. He doesn't have to do anything. It's all me Baby, and I'm pretty triggery as it is.

So, lots of clonipin. I"ll keep Wickeds phone number handy and keep working. Three minutes. Do one thing differently.

transformyself

Jadmack this is so beautiful! It gives me chills.

wicked

GiveLove,
Thank you for this. hehehehe
Three minutes is an excellent idea too.
Keep pointedly looking at your watch, and when the time is up you say,
"Gotta make an important call, LL" (lobster lothario!), then call me and laugh it up big time.

transformyself

Well I did get about 6 hours of sleep last night, have a full day of work ahead so I can't nap, but already am starting to obsess about OW and STBXAH. WTF???? Triggering, that punch to the stomach feeling when I think of them together. WHAT. THE. HELL??

I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT THIS ANYMORE, NOT REALLY. IT'S LIKE A SICK JOKE.

I AM SO SICK OF THIS CONDITION. It's brutal. There is no relief. When I say I've talked aobut this in therapy for years I'm not lying. It doesn't go away. I can't wait to find the EMDR doctor and start getting rid of this crap, cutting it out of my head.

Ever see Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind?

wicked

transform,

six hours of sleep is a great start! I know how hard it is to get a good night's sleep.

now, about those other creatures. would it be possible to start searching for the EMDR when they pop up in your head? sort of like snapping a rubber band on your wrist to distract you. open a page on your browser with the search results and read something there when the thoughts start to overwhelm.

and take it easy on the clonipin. they can sneak up on ya. you want to be serene, not limp...bend like the willow, but keep firmly rooted in the ground. whatever they do cannot change you, or the fantastic person that you are.

if it's been years, okay. that means the answer is right around the corner, serenity in this moment, in this second, if that is all you can do.

i am thinking about you and sending you strength. you can do this, one second at at time.

Beth

transformyself

THANK YOU! YOU'RE FREAKING BRILLIANT
I'm going to do this today. I was rerouting my thoughts to the work at hand, but this is even better

wicked

<nodding wisely> yes, i know, took me a long time to believe it though.
:rotfxko

bonus is i got something to think about too!

transformyself

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)1 is a comprehensive, integrative psychotherapy approach. It contains elements of many effective psychotherapies in structured protocols that are designed to maximize treatment effects. These include psychodynamic, cognitive behavioral, interpersonal, experiential, and body-centered therapies2.

EMDR is an information processing therapy and uses an eight phase approach to address the experiential contributors of a wide range of pathologies. It attends to the past experiences that have set the groundwork for pathology, the current situations that trigger dysfunctional emotions, beliefs and sensations, and the positive experience needed to enhance future adaptive behaviors and mental health.

During treatment various procedures and protocols are used to address the entire clinical picture. One of the procedural elements is "dual stimulation" using either bilateral eye movements, tones or taps. During the reprocessing phases the client attends momentarily to past memories, present triggers, or anticipated future experiences while simultaneously focusing on a set of external stimulus. During that time, clients generally experience the emergence of insight, changes in memories, or new associations. The clinician assists the client to focus on appropriate material before initiation of each subsequent set.

TakingCharge999

Remember its about your kid not ex or you. Try to focus on how much you love him, on his performance, on good moments that you have lived.

Here at work I remember its about my career and earning food for my cats. So it makes working with ex etc easier. I'd do anything for my cats lol. Focus on the real reason why you are going

transformyself

Genius! Thank you.

Jadmack25

Here's a solution that may give you a smile, but of course you will have to imagine you are doing it.

Mind you it could give his a hell of a shock if you actually did do it to him.

God bless

PHIZ007

Now then lets see.......go to the mirror...yep right now look straight in that mirror and say " I am strong and detached I CAN do this".....repeat....repeat.....repeat. Then when you are in the situations in the next few days (without the mirror)...do the very same in your head.....

I am strong and detached...I CAN do this!....I am strong and detached....I CAN do this!.....Oh and B-R-e-a-t-h-e.....deeply.........

Sending you support, strength and Detachment! Keep us posted...and remember...I am strong and detached...I CAN do this!

take Care transform.....and the very best of luck.......it wont be easy....Phiz