Why do I hang on?
Only stepping forward
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
Why do I hang on?
I did the "song and dance" that is referred to on here for a long time. The song from Jordon Sparks "Battlefield" described every part of our "relationship" to a "t". That's what it had become between us too....a battlefield.
Well, he finally realized that I've had enough. I've worked hard and it's not the drinking that bothered me so much as it was the way his attitude changed and the crap he dished out at me....either "choice phrases" he used verbally or the fact that he'd go on and on and on repeating the same thing like his brain didn't function well enough to have a conversation with more than one topic so he'd just repeat the same one to make the call last longer.
Anyway. He finally gave in to my refusal to give in and has respected my boundaries of "drink if you want to, but leave me out of it". Don't call me, don't come over, don't talk to me, don't write to me, don't leave me a voice mail, don't send an email, yadayadayada. If you're going to drink you're going to know I don't exist in your life. And he has accepted that, finally.
So here we are, almost 6 months into this and things have been fairly good between us. I'm able to keep my head high.
But now I'm ready to let go. I got what I wanted--a relationship (if you call it that) that doesn't involve dodging an intoxicated conversation or attitude. We share most of the week together and go nc for two or three days.
But I feel like I'm ready to move on. I want to be with someone that I can call whenever I want to or have a spur of the moment date night.
I don't know how to approach this though. A part of me almost feels guilty...I mean, he's respected everything I've asked and we are doing fine, much better than we had been. But I just don't want it anymore; not like this. Especially since I'm ready to settle down and build a forever life with someone and this is not forever. But I don't want him to feel like I think what he's done hasn't been good enough; even though in somewhat of a way it hasn't been because though it's changed today it's not enough to make for a tomorrow that I want.
I'm happy but I'm not. Just wondering if anyone's ever been through this. I just need some positive thoughts. I guess I've always had "bad breakups" and this one isn't really going to be a bad one. You know?
Well, he finally realized that I've had enough. I've worked hard and it's not the drinking that bothered me so much as it was the way his attitude changed and the crap he dished out at me....either "choice phrases" he used verbally or the fact that he'd go on and on and on repeating the same thing like his brain didn't function well enough to have a conversation with more than one topic so he'd just repeat the same one to make the call last longer.
Anyway. He finally gave in to my refusal to give in and has respected my boundaries of "drink if you want to, but leave me out of it". Don't call me, don't come over, don't talk to me, don't write to me, don't leave me a voice mail, don't send an email, yadayadayada. If you're going to drink you're going to know I don't exist in your life. And he has accepted that, finally.
So here we are, almost 6 months into this and things have been fairly good between us. I'm able to keep my head high.
But now I'm ready to let go. I got what I wanted--a relationship (if you call it that) that doesn't involve dodging an intoxicated conversation or attitude. We share most of the week together and go nc for two or three days.
But I feel like I'm ready to move on. I want to be with someone that I can call whenever I want to or have a spur of the moment date night.
I don't know how to approach this though. A part of me almost feels guilty...I mean, he's respected everything I've asked and we are doing fine, much better than we had been. But I just don't want it anymore; not like this. Especially since I'm ready to settle down and build a forever life with someone and this is not forever. But I don't want him to feel like I think what he's done hasn't been good enough; even though in somewhat of a way it hasn't been because though it's changed today it's not enough to make for a tomorrow that I want.
I'm happy but I'm not. Just wondering if anyone's ever been through this. I just need some positive thoughts. I guess I've always had "bad breakups" and this one isn't really going to be a bad one. You know?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hmm, from your description of the relationship, it doesn't really sound "ideal" (i.e. spending a few days together and then going NC). Yes, the intoxication factor is gone, but that doesn't mean this person is your "perfect partner".
I know there's a natural tendency to feel guilty when considering the end of a relationship, but if you remove emotion from the equation, the reality is you're not satisfied. If you're not happy, then the best thing you can do for your boyfriend is to give him the opportunity to find happiness with someone else. Yes, you may have to don the Bad Guy Mantle, but then who cares? Worrying about what he's going to think or feel is, to be quite blunt, pointless, since you cannot control it. He's going to think and feel whatever he's going to think and feel.
Heck, these days, people break up for so little, I don't see a reason to feel guilty for pursuing your own happiness.
I know there's a natural tendency to feel guilty when considering the end of a relationship, but if you remove emotion from the equation, the reality is you're not satisfied. If you're not happy, then the best thing you can do for your boyfriend is to give him the opportunity to find happiness with someone else. Yes, you may have to don the Bad Guy Mantle, but then who cares? Worrying about what he's going to think or feel is, to be quite blunt, pointless, since you cannot control it. He's going to think and feel whatever he's going to think and feel.
Heck, these days, people break up for so little, I don't see a reason to feel guilty for pursuing your own happiness.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi kv!
I can understand the frustration, its not that anything has changed, its just that you don't see Hyde anymore. Doesn't mean Hyde has gone anywhere, maybe it has even got worse.
I moved in with "new" BF and by now I think the only way to even start *knowing* someone is being with them 24x7... not only when things seem nice and both are in a good mood......
Wish I had wisdom to share
But I remember you
You are a wonderful person
And I wish you the best.
(I think I channeled barb with that writing style...!)
I can understand the frustration, its not that anything has changed, its just that you don't see Hyde anymore. Doesn't mean Hyde has gone anywhere, maybe it has even got worse.
I moved in with "new" BF and by now I think the only way to even start *knowing* someone is being with them 24x7... not only when things seem nice and both are in a good mood......
Wish I had wisdom to share
But I remember you
You are a wonderful person
And I wish you the best.
(I think I channeled barb with that writing style...!)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by kv816 
But I don't want him to feel like I think what he's done hasn't been good enough; even though in somewhat of a way it hasn't been because though it's changed today it's not enough to make for a tomorrow that I want.
That was crazy-making behavior for me for years on end. I was always feeling responsible in some way, shape, or form, for others' feelings.
People-pleasing is a miserable way to live. I don't care to return there!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
First of all, I feel the need to differ on noday's opinion that because you're "n/c" for a couple days each week, that it's not an ideal relationship. I love having a BF who I'm with sometimes, and not with sometimes. If we have no need to call one another, and we're not seeing each other that day, we don't. I guess I think that's better than being like you need to live together, you need to talk on the phone every day, etc.
I get what you're saying - I am also at the point of extricating myself from a long-term relationship and I feel like I have to have the reasons stacked up in my mind to justify the decision. Even if someone that I trust, like Freedom, says just not wanting it is good enough, I still have to have that list.
For me, mentally preparing is crucial. The next step is pulling back. You guys don't have to spend five out of every seven days together - maybe you start being a little more social and unavailable. Someone might call me on this as a cop-out, and partly it is. But I think going cold turkey is so difficult. I also think that you both might be seeing the writing on the wall, not just you.
Do you believe he is still drinking? If so, that in itself is reason enough to end things. If you wish to start a family, and you know that alcoholism is progressive, it's like a death sentence for a marriage. But you don't have to tell him that, cuz if he's active, he won't get it. You CAN tell him, I think, that you feel the need to be in a relationship that is traveling somewhere. Are you two getting closer and closer, sharing goals and dreams, planning to one day have a family?? "Well the thing is, although you have done what I've asked of you, I cannot have a family with an alcoholic. Not an option. So I guess I'm thinking that it's time to just move on."
I get what you're saying - I am also at the point of extricating myself from a long-term relationship and I feel like I have to have the reasons stacked up in my mind to justify the decision. Even if someone that I trust, like Freedom, says just not wanting it is good enough, I still have to have that list.
For me, mentally preparing is crucial. The next step is pulling back. You guys don't have to spend five out of every seven days together - maybe you start being a little more social and unavailable. Someone might call me on this as a cop-out, and partly it is. But I think going cold turkey is so difficult. I also think that you both might be seeing the writing on the wall, not just you.
Do you believe he is still drinking? If so, that in itself is reason enough to end things. If you wish to start a family, and you know that alcoholism is progressive, it's like a death sentence for a marriage. But you don't have to tell him that, cuz if he's active, he won't get it. You CAN tell him, I think, that you feel the need to be in a relationship that is traveling somewhere. Are you two getting closer and closer, sharing goals and dreams, planning to one day have a family?? "Well the thing is, although you have done what I've asked of you, I cannot have a family with an alcoholic. Not an option. So I guess I'm thinking that it's time to just move on."
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
kv I heard this song and it reminded me of you
The Rasmus Living in the World Without you Lyrics:
It's hard to believe that it came to this
You paralyzed my body with the poisoned kiss
For 40 days and nights I was chained to your bed
You thought that was the end of the story
Something inside me called freedom came alive
Living in a world without you
You told me, my darling
Without me, you're nothing
You taught me to look in your eyes
And fed me your sweet lies
Suddenly someone was there in the window
Looking outside at the sky that had never been blue
Ah, there's a world without you
I see the light
Living in a world without you
Ah, there is hope to guide me
I will survive
Living in a world without you
It's hard to believe that it came to this
You paralyzed my body with the poisoned kiss
For 40 days and nights I was chained to your bed
You thought that was the end of the story
Something inside me called freedom came alive
Living in a world without you
You put me together
[ Find more Lyrics on THE RASMUS "LIVING IN THE WORLD WITHOUT YOU" Lyrics ]
Then trashed me for pleasure
You used me again and again
Abused me, confused me
Suddenly naked I run through your garden
Right through the gates of the past and I'm finally free
Ah, there's a world without you
I see the light
Living in a world without you
Ah, there is hope to guide me
I will survive
Living in a world without you
It's hard to believe that it came to this
You paralyzed my body with the poisoned kiss
For 40 days and nights I was chained to your bed
You thought that was the end of the story
Something inside me called freedom came alive
Living in a world without you
It's hard to believe that it came to this
You paralyzed my body with the poisoned kiss
For 40 days and nights I was chained to your bed
You thought that was the end of the story
Something inside me called freedom came alive
Living in a world without you
Ah, there's a world without you
I see the light
Living in a world without you
Ah, there is hope to guide me
I will survive
Living in a world without you
Living in a world without you
Living in a world without you
Living in a world without you
Living in a world without you
The Rasmus Living in the World Without you Lyrics:
It's hard to believe that it came to this
You paralyzed my body with the poisoned kiss
For 40 days and nights I was chained to your bed
You thought that was the end of the story
Something inside me called freedom came alive
Living in a world without you
You told me, my darling
Without me, you're nothing
You taught me to look in your eyes
And fed me your sweet lies
Suddenly someone was there in the window
Looking outside at the sky that had never been blue
Ah, there's a world without you
I see the light
Living in a world without you
Ah, there is hope to guide me
I will survive
Living in a world without you
It's hard to believe that it came to this
You paralyzed my body with the poisoned kiss
For 40 days and nights I was chained to your bed
You thought that was the end of the story
Something inside me called freedom came alive
Living in a world without you
You put me together
[ Find more Lyrics on THE RASMUS "LIVING IN THE WORLD WITHOUT YOU" Lyrics ]
Then trashed me for pleasure
You used me again and again
Abused me, confused me
Suddenly naked I run through your garden
Right through the gates of the past and I'm finally free
Ah, there's a world without you
I see the light
Living in a world without you
Ah, there is hope to guide me
I will survive
Living in a world without you
It's hard to believe that it came to this
You paralyzed my body with the poisoned kiss
For 40 days and nights I was chained to your bed
You thought that was the end of the story
Something inside me called freedom came alive
Living in a world without you
It's hard to believe that it came to this
You paralyzed my body with the poisoned kiss
For 40 days and nights I was chained to your bed
You thought that was the end of the story
Something inside me called freedom came alive
Living in a world without you
Ah, there's a world without you
I see the light
Living in a world without you
Ah, there is hope to guide me
I will survive
Living in a world without you
Living in a world without you
Living in a world without you
Living in a world without you
Living in a world without you
Only stepping forward
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
He's responsible for his own feelings, not you.
Not to mention I'm so awful with words and having what's in my head come out of my mouth with the same meaning.
BUT, I do also realize that I am in a BIG way trying to avoid the hurt and the hatred (feelings I know in him I cannot control). And, yes, a part of me is still concerned with what he'll do when I'm gone. Yes, I still worry about running into him in the future and seeing him with another woman.
Those are the things I think I'm still struggling with.
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker
Do you believe he is still drinking? If so, that in itself is reason enough to end things. If you wish to start a family, and you know that alcoholism is progressive, it's like a death sentence for a marriage. But you don't have to tell him that, cuz if he's active, he won't get it. You CAN tell him, I think, that you feel the need to be in a relationship that is traveling somewhere. Are you two getting closer and closer, sharing goals and dreams, planning to one day have a family?? "Well the thing is, although you have done what I've asked of you, I cannot have a family with an alcoholic. Not an option. So I guess I'm thinking that it's time to just move on."
Are we getting closer sharing goals and dreams? Yes, and no. We talk more, laugh more. He's more open with me about his thoughts and feelings than he used to be. Yes, we discuss the 'future'. But, to be honest, a lot of what he says about the future goes in one ear and out the other. Though I think he honestly wants these things and hopes for them I know because he continues to drink they won't ever happen. So though we are talking and sharing more I wouldn't say we are growing closer because I just don't believe his goals or dreams to be anything more than a hope. But it's not enough of a hope that he'd do whatever it took to reach them.
Thank you Coffee. I think I like your thoughts about spending less and less time together until it is finally no time at all. I think, for me and my racing always wondering mind, that would be easier.
Dang you, Taking!! Now I gotta search for ANOTHER ring tone!!! hehe Thanks, I always love the songs you post for me (though I still haven't found that Brittney Spears one).
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