Trigger at home
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Trigger at home
Hello SR Family. I haven't posted that much lately because there seems to be virtually nothing going on with XAH. I'm still waiting for legal proceedings to be finalized to have him served, but aside from that, he's quiet as a mouse and all contact has been civil.
I wanted to write about something that happened yesterday between my father and I, after my little girl had emergency dental surgery under general anesthetic.
The surgery was to fix DD's top incisors, top molars and bottom incisors, all of which had cavities. It was bad enough that they put caps on the 4 top teeth, did 2 root canals and scealed her molars. Apparently she's got hypoplasia, which is some sort of genetic deficiency in her tooth enamel, which explains why she has cavities at 20 months of age. Previously, I had been told by many dentists that it was due to my nursing her for this long, and I'd felt very guilty doing something I believed was in her best interest.
Anyhow, once the surgery was over, the surgeon came to talk to me and tell me about the hypoplasia, which had been previously undiagnosed. She assured me that nursing DD was a great thing and that I should continue for as long as I can. We (my father and I) then went to the recovery room to see DD. She looked very strange with her eyes unfocused and her body lolling around. We were told by the recovery room nurse that she'd be dizzy and nauseous all day, not to offer her any food unless she really asked for it, and NOT to nurse her for 48 hours after the surgery, "because breastmilk is a milk product" and "it'll cause abcesses in her mouth which will need to be drained". So, I was suitably scared and figured we'd "tough it out".
The ride back home was HELL. Pure hell. DD was a mess and she desperately wanted to nurse, whether for food and comfort. I tried to hold off and offer her water instead but she reacted VIOLENTLY, kicking, flailing madly, bitting me, hitting me and herself and crying uncontrollably. I couldn't get her in the carseat, so I tried to craddle her in my lap while my dad drove us all home, all the while yelling at me to "keep calm" because I couldn't stop bawling while DD attacked me. It was horrible.
I finally called the surgeon and asked her why I'd been told not to nurse. She sounded really embarassed and told me to just go ahead to prevent DD from freaking out some more. Apparently, there's a real prejudice in the dentistry world about nursing even though there are a lot of studies supporting the fact that it is not to blame for infant caries. So, I nursed DD and she calmed right now. I was still shocked/angry though.
The rest of my afternoon was spent caring for/nursing/feeding DD, who wouldn't let me out of her sight for a second and cried at the drop of a hat. As soon as we got home, my father disappeared into the basement to "go do some work". He barely helped me with DD, so by the end of the day, I was completely exhausted, both physically and emotionally.
When my mother got home, I really needed to vent, so I described the events of the day to her, and got a tiny little bit carried away telling her about the "b.s." and "lies" the recovery room nurse told us about the supposed dangers of nursing after surgery. This is a huge issue with me because I've had to fight left, right and center with my family and medical practicioners to defend my choice to nurse DD this long. Before I can finish my sentence, my father EXPLODES at me, yelling that I'm intolerant, that I hold a grudge etc etc. He finally walked away yelling. Needless to say I was stunned. And hurt.
Later on, I discussed it with my mother once again and I couldn't help but start to cry. I know I was probably fatigued and more vulnerable, but still. I didn't leave an abusive situation with my XAH to move into a house where I'd be yelled at by family members. I just cannot deal with yelling, especially when it's so uncalled for.
I know I need to talk with my father, but I'm still so emotional about this I don't think I could hold it together long enough to get the words out. I'm trying to rationalize and tell myself that he was tired too, he's been sick, his mother just died, etc etc...but honestly, there's no justification, and I don't want this to happen again.
During my childhood, my father was an angry man; I was afraid of him. We never agreed and had a few explosive conflicts when I was a teenager/young adult. As he got older, he became a lot more sensitive, emotionally available and communicative. We've both changed and developed our relationship a lot. But this incident brought me right back to being 5, afraid daddy would spank me (or worse, right back to staying absolutely still while XAH freaked out and broke things around me).
Ugh, I don't know where I'm going with this. I just needed to write it out. Thanks for listening to my rant.
I wanted to write about something that happened yesterday between my father and I, after my little girl had emergency dental surgery under general anesthetic.
The surgery was to fix DD's top incisors, top molars and bottom incisors, all of which had cavities. It was bad enough that they put caps on the 4 top teeth, did 2 root canals and scealed her molars. Apparently she's got hypoplasia, which is some sort of genetic deficiency in her tooth enamel, which explains why she has cavities at 20 months of age. Previously, I had been told by many dentists that it was due to my nursing her for this long, and I'd felt very guilty doing something I believed was in her best interest.
Anyhow, once the surgery was over, the surgeon came to talk to me and tell me about the hypoplasia, which had been previously undiagnosed. She assured me that nursing DD was a great thing and that I should continue for as long as I can. We (my father and I) then went to the recovery room to see DD. She looked very strange with her eyes unfocused and her body lolling around. We were told by the recovery room nurse that she'd be dizzy and nauseous all day, not to offer her any food unless she really asked for it, and NOT to nurse her for 48 hours after the surgery, "because breastmilk is a milk product" and "it'll cause abcesses in her mouth which will need to be drained". So, I was suitably scared and figured we'd "tough it out".
The ride back home was HELL. Pure hell. DD was a mess and she desperately wanted to nurse, whether for food and comfort. I tried to hold off and offer her water instead but she reacted VIOLENTLY, kicking, flailing madly, bitting me, hitting me and herself and crying uncontrollably. I couldn't get her in the carseat, so I tried to craddle her in my lap while my dad drove us all home, all the while yelling at me to "keep calm" because I couldn't stop bawling while DD attacked me. It was horrible.
I finally called the surgeon and asked her why I'd been told not to nurse. She sounded really embarassed and told me to just go ahead to prevent DD from freaking out some more. Apparently, there's a real prejudice in the dentistry world about nursing even though there are a lot of studies supporting the fact that it is not to blame for infant caries. So, I nursed DD and she calmed right now. I was still shocked/angry though.
The rest of my afternoon was spent caring for/nursing/feeding DD, who wouldn't let me out of her sight for a second and cried at the drop of a hat. As soon as we got home, my father disappeared into the basement to "go do some work". He barely helped me with DD, so by the end of the day, I was completely exhausted, both physically and emotionally.
When my mother got home, I really needed to vent, so I described the events of the day to her, and got a tiny little bit carried away telling her about the "b.s." and "lies" the recovery room nurse told us about the supposed dangers of nursing after surgery. This is a huge issue with me because I've had to fight left, right and center with my family and medical practicioners to defend my choice to nurse DD this long. Before I can finish my sentence, my father EXPLODES at me, yelling that I'm intolerant, that I hold a grudge etc etc. He finally walked away yelling. Needless to say I was stunned. And hurt.
Later on, I discussed it with my mother once again and I couldn't help but start to cry. I know I was probably fatigued and more vulnerable, but still. I didn't leave an abusive situation with my XAH to move into a house where I'd be yelled at by family members. I just cannot deal with yelling, especially when it's so uncalled for.
I know I need to talk with my father, but I'm still so emotional about this I don't think I could hold it together long enough to get the words out. I'm trying to rationalize and tell myself that he was tired too, he's been sick, his mother just died, etc etc...but honestly, there's no justification, and I don't want this to happen again.
During my childhood, my father was an angry man; I was afraid of him. We never agreed and had a few explosive conflicts when I was a teenager/young adult. As he got older, he became a lot more sensitive, emotionally available and communicative. We've both changed and developed our relationship a lot. But this incident brought me right back to being 5, afraid daddy would spank me (or worse, right back to staying absolutely still while XAH freaked out and broke things around me).
Ugh, I don't know where I'm going with this. I just needed to write it out. Thanks for listening to my rant.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
(((noday)))
It really stinks to know that your baby is suffering and that you can't do anything about it - especially when all the comfort she needs is her mother's breast. And she was wild and crazy from anesthesia, pain, disorientation and you couldn't nurse her.
It sounds just awful.
Your dad was way out of line. That is exactly how my xAH would have responded and there's nothing worse than having your own sadness, fear, anger, frustration trigger ANGER in a someone who is supposed to love you.
You need to decide if you need your parents' help enough to risk your dad's angry outbursts. Their physical support might actually be worth it at this point, but you do need to consider that.
I know how you feel about yelling - I can't stand it any more. It makes me feel sick after living in it for so long.
(((hugs))) to you and your sweet nursling.
It really stinks to know that your baby is suffering and that you can't do anything about it - especially when all the comfort she needs is her mother's breast. And she was wild and crazy from anesthesia, pain, disorientation and you couldn't nurse her.
It sounds just awful.
Your dad was way out of line. That is exactly how my xAH would have responded and there's nothing worse than having your own sadness, fear, anger, frustration trigger ANGER in a someone who is supposed to love you.
You need to decide if you need your parents' help enough to risk your dad's angry outbursts. Their physical support might actually be worth it at this point, but you do need to consider that.
I know how you feel about yelling - I can't stand it any more. It makes me feel sick after living in it for so long.
(((hugs))) to you and your sweet nursling.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Thanks for responding...I just needed to hear that I wasn't going crazy or over-reacting about this stuff. I think I'm still very raw when it comes to someone--anyone, yelling at me, for whatever reason. Heck, my father is THE reason I started having aversions to any kind of yelling, because he used to raise his voice a lot when I was younger, and he and my mother had a few scream fights that I specifically remember. I guess kids are really affected by the slightest conflict in the home...
Anyhow, I haven't spoken to him yet, because I'm still...angry and emotional and I want to address this calmly. If I'm going to be living there for another year, this kind of thing cannot happen or I'll just have to leave in a hurry, much like I did with XAH.
Anyhow, I haven't spoken to him yet, because I'm still...angry and emotional and I want to address this calmly. If I'm going to be living there for another year, this kind of thing cannot happen or I'll just have to leave in a hurry, much like I did with XAH.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
maybe i can offer some thoughts based on what I've experienced since moving in my grandfather for the past 3 months. although i've no children living at home, and my ABF died, the living arrangement is somewhat parallel to yours. When he died, I moved into my grandparents home. Grandma had been placed with dementia into a facility and one month later ABF overdosed and died. Anyways, the first few weeks with grandpa were very trying. I found that he spoke to me disrespectfully and somehow the "family" roles of grandfather and granddaughter had taken seed and began to germinate. I am still tip toeing around him and it is quite trying at times. I've had to really put my foot down and explain that I'm a full grown woman, but he has no respect for women in general so it's uncomfortable. I'm sure you're feeling a bit under the microscope and having your mothering decision scrutinized just compounds matters. I've found that keeping out of the way, busy, out of the house really helps me. Is it a possibility for you too?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Because my DD is 20 months old and I work full-time, there's not a lot of time spent at home anyways--mostly evenings and week-ends. The time spent there however is really in full family mode, with both my parents helping me parent and care for DD. My father's been instrumental in helping DD adapt to her new home, and she's *very* attached to him. In the past, I would even let him take over the difficult stuff because she seemed to respond to him better than to me. Lately though he's been all over the map emotionally...My grandmother's death was drawn out and painful, the subsequent bronchitis hasn't been easy and his business is very slow so he's at home, sick and depressed. Not fun for the rest of us. I do feel as though I'm "emotionally tiptoeing", half waiting for the next yelling outbursts,...and yet, he's been more attentive and sweet in the last few days, almost as if he knows I've been holding back...which makes me suspicious! Ugh. I hate this cycle. I know it well and I hate it.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Oh noday, I'm soooooo sorry. First I want to say good for you for nursing your daughter and caring for her this way!!! I loved nursing my children and know it strengthened our bond. It's not easy to go against the strong opinions of others (especially family, not to mention society), but I think of your protection of the nursing time as a wonderful metaphor for your protection of yourself and your daughter...and of your inner 5 year old. You know that the nursing works for your daughter and for you, and you know it's best. The medical field does not specialize in bedside manner (though some docs/nurses are really good at this). YOU know what's best. Your 5 year old knows what's best. I read in my Alanon book [U]Courage to Change[U] the other day that recovery is really about remembering who we are, remembering who we were when we were hurt so much as children. You already know everything you need to know.
As for your father's outburst, he sounds resentful. Maybe he didn't really want to be with you during your daughter's surgery and afterwards--maybe he found it upsetting and couldn't deal well with it. You might never know what was really happening for him, but I'd encourage you to remember that it's not about you, though it's hard to remember that when it's all coming at us full-force, and our inner kids definitely don't realize that!
I wonder if you want your father to protect you, and he didn't when AH was crashing about all around you. I feel like asking you, "What can you do to protect yourself?" You can do this. You're a tuned-in Mom who knows what's best for your daughter, and you know it for yourself, too.
You can do this.
Hugs,
Posie
As for your father's outburst, he sounds resentful. Maybe he didn't really want to be with you during your daughter's surgery and afterwards--maybe he found it upsetting and couldn't deal well with it. You might never know what was really happening for him, but I'd encourage you to remember that it's not about you, though it's hard to remember that when it's all coming at us full-force, and our inner kids definitely don't realize that!
I wonder if you want your father to protect you, and he didn't when AH was crashing about all around you. I feel like asking you, "What can you do to protect yourself?" You can do this. You're a tuned-in Mom who knows what's best for your daughter, and you know it for yourself, too.
You can do this.
Hugs,
Posie
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
He has no right to yell, but everyone has bad days and sounds like he's going through his own worries.
Maybe he needs your understanding instead of the other way around?
Being a codie can keep us lost in ourselves and makes us forget about how others may be feeling or how they react.
Chalk it up to a bad day. Everyone gets them
Maybe he needs your understanding instead of the other way around?
Being a codie can keep us lost in ourselves and makes us forget about how others may be feeling or how they react.
Chalk it up to a bad day. Everyone gets them
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