coffeedrinker

I think I mentioned a bit a few days ago about some texts between my daughter and myself. For background, see post from a week ago Saturday:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ughter-er.html

I asked through the phone if she planned to stop over when she got back into town and she said "I'm sure I'll just hear the same things you've been saying for the past two years." I told her it was my intention to mostly just listen, and be a sounding board or a support person for her.

We work at the same place (I know, unfortunate, but it is as things are right now) and I am a professional, never mix personal with work, but I discreetly asked her today if she would sit with me for a few minutes after the end of the workday, when no one would be around. I reiterated what I had planned to say to her, which was really just to listen and hear what she was thinking, if her perspective has changed. She said obviously it has, but she truly does not agree with me, that she's actually an alcoholic (even though I haven't used that word, we know what I think). She doesn't drink every day, she can certainly have fun without it - she did for the past week in Florida with her friends - and it's just that she was very excited to be on her first vacation outside the family, spring break, etc. She over-did it. Case closed. I nodded, and then I said "so, you don't believe your dad is?" That threw her a little, said "huh?" I said "do you not think your dad is an alcoholic; he did go to rehab for it." She didn't say anything except "I don't really know about if he is or not. He never drank in our house." I said "that's true, but what happened with your dad, was that every once in awhile, he would drink way too much. And he would not recognize that it was happening, he just wanted to have fun and whereas some people can recognize when it's time to stop, he sometimes cannot. I think maybe you have the same deal? Alex, honey, we know you have blacked out. More than once. I know you aren't going to agree with me, and of course I still love you, that's forever, and I want to be there for you when you need me. We just don't see things the same about this."

On the way home, I realized that when she called me crying from the hospital, telling me how much she wished I was there with her, she was probably still intoxicated. Should I have jumped on a flight and gone? Oh, I guess not. I knew it was a longshot, but talking to her when she was so broken and hurting.....

Sad.

suki44883

((((coffeedrinker))))

Just my opinion, said as gently as possible...I think it's time to just let it lie for a while. You've let her know that you love her and will be there for her, so now, leave it alone. If you keep pushing, you might just push her away. Give it time. Let her come to you when she is ready.

bluebelle

It is sad. I'm not sure that there is anything that you can say or do to make her listen to you. You have learned from life experience. It sounds like she is going to have to learn from life experience. She will have to learn her own lessons, even though some of those lessons will be very hard. There is a part of her that has to know that she has a problem, but she may be too stubborn to admit it to you. At her age, I would have argued against anything my mother said and would have insisted on doing things my own way and learning my own lessons. Some of those lessons were certainly harder than others. I'd suggest that you pray for her, and then hand her over to God's care.

Serenebynow

Yes, it is so sad. Cunning, baffeling( spelling?) and powerful!
I hope she figures out powerless soon. She's got the denial down, just needs more consequences? I dunno! I'm sorry your powerless over ad's denial. You do seem to handle it well.

Impurrfect

((Coffee)) - by the time you would have gotten to Daytona, she would have been sobered up and ready to go back to the beach with her friends. Remember, they thought it "wasn't so bad because she didn't get her stomach pumped".

At her age, they have short memories, they think they are invincible, and though I DO think they hear us...what we say just goes to the back of their minds. They're too focused on having fun at the time.

My niece is 16 and her entire focus in life is having fun. However, when things have gone wrong in situations, she has told me "I remember when you told me......" so I know she does hear at least some of what I say.

I agree with ((Suki)) though....let it rest. Even though I'm way older, when anyone keeps talking about something, if I'm not ready to deal with it, I just get irritated and annoyed. I have to bite my tongue, quite often, where my niece is concerned, but I've seen her totally shut me out when she's "heard enough".

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Callie

Coffee - I agree with the others. Step back but with a single closed eye. I know I've been through times with AH where my parents think they know what's best...but they don't. I've sheltered them from what I KNOW and SEE. Keep the lines of communication open, but not overridden on your part. Try to stay close, but let her find her way. Just today, my parents overstepped "MY" boundaries. They had no clue they did - because of me. I'd 'protected them' from what I knew about AH. My mom semi 'gets it' , but dad doesn't.

Stay close, KNOW what's going on, but no way, no how can you do this for your dd. Trust in your instincts and let this go through her.

If you keep pushing, you might just push her away. Give it time. Let her come to you when she is ready. Yet again Suki nailed it. My parents are THE most important to me, but they just 'don't get' how deep addiction runs. I do. 'we do'. I hope they NEVER know the truth that I've faced, the deceipt that I've faced, the lies that I've faced. I hope they NEVER know what I have tolerated because it's unforgivable.

My point is 'we' understand this, but 67% of the non addict world does not understand this.

cessy68

Coffee, my experience is from myself:

Mom never ever drank. Dad is an alcoholic.( but never obvious / wasn't a fall down /not come home drunk/ or violent).... nonetheless an alcoholic.

My mom when I was a teen, cried, pled, and begged everytime I got drunk... telling me she didn't want me to become an alcoholic like my dad. (as a teen I thought she was being an overreactive mom--- and COMPLETLY disregarded every concern she had).

I turned out fine.
My brother ended up being a bit of a drinker, (but got sick w/ Lyme disease) and now can not drink because of the meds for the lyme.

All and all, her kids turned out fine-- luck of the draw I guess.

With that being said, it's kinda sad-- because if her fears came true, there was nothing she could have said to stopped me back then.....

Keep an eye on her, don't 'allow' it in your home if your uncomfortable, but she is grown now.... not too much you can 'do' or say to stop it.

Sorry you're hurtin.
Love,
Cess

wicked

coffeedrinker,

after many stops and starts,
i just want to say,
:ghug3

Ann

Hugs from me too.

At times like this, I find the Serenity Prayer helps me sort out what is "mine" to change, and what is not. As a mama, it's hard to "know the difference".

Keeping your daughter in my prayers.

Hugs

coffeedrinker

Thank you for the support, encouragement, and prayers.

I do know that I can't manipulate her, shove this viewpoint of mine down her throat, or otherwise convince her of my truth. As I have said, I've really not pushed her on this much at all - just brought up the possibility that she may have a problem WHEN the consequences have arrived. Probably had this conversation with her three times total.
But, yes it's true - she does remember everything.

Consequences:
She got a DUI when she was 17, just one day after getting her license and first car.
She got kicked out of her home when she was 18, after breaking a houserule of no alcohol/no parties.
She lost the apartment of her dreams two days after moving in right before her second year of college. Their party was so over-the-top they didn't even get a warning - they were immediately evicted and lost the deposit and first month's rent
She walked to my house the 2 miles in the way-sub-zero temperature last winter, with no coat mittens or hat, when BF would not get out of bed to drive her.
She was unconcious for several hours and woke up in the emergency room of a hospital one day after arriving in Florida for her first spring break holiday.
And these only those things that I know about!


There are none so blind as they who will not see.

Admitted we were powerless...

God grant me the wisdom to know the difference.

Thanks again, and Love to you all,
Christine