Learn2Live4Me

:rotfxko

Alrighty, so all those little faces are exactly what I'm feeling right now. My AM is in a skilled nursing facility for a broken arm/shoulder from her last drinking stupor (which she doesn't remember)...a variety of things have happened since the end of February, but this latest one has me laughing and pulling my hair out at the same time. I really wonder how much damage the alcohol has done to her brain to make her think that this last hare-brained idea is a good one...wait for it...

She is going to be 68 in August. She can barely walk five feet down the hall of the facility she is in now. She has swelling in her legs and ankles that they really haven't determined the cause... We have no idea when she is going to be released, let alone if it is a good idea for her to continue living on her own (which she is not coming to live with me - that would just be a disaster)...I say all these things to lead into the idea she told me this morning - she wants me to take her to the Black Eyed Peas concert in August. Please tell me that you all reading this are having the same reaction I did - WHAT?? I think she only knows one song & knows who they are because of Oprah, for pete's sake! It is being held at a VERY LARGE arena in the downtown area, so parking and maneuvering around are a challenge, even for able bodied people!

Please let me know what you all think & feel free to laugh or cry along with me. She is also convinced that this incident/injury was caused by stress, not just alcohol, and will not talk to me or the staff about continued treatment for alcohol abuse, and any time I do bring it up, she gets very defensive. She has not had a drink since February 21, and yet the alcoholic manipulative behaviors are gradually getting stronger and stronger and I am doing my best to set my boundaries and stick to them, which is a struggle at times.

I'm laughing, shaking my head & trying not to cry...what do I say to this woman?

SarahDoll

Well, my reaction was laughter...but if it was my mother I'm sure I would have shed tears, too. Boundaries are so hard with addicts/alcoholics... especially when one feels obligated to look out for them. Being in that situation has made it easy for others to take advantage of me. Boundaries have more than once been the only thing that have saved me from being manipulated. Good luck in your search for the best way to handle this.

wicked

Black Eyed Peas!~
OMG! that is so hilarious. is she gonna meet oprah backstage? will.i.am?
hehehe

and her broken arm/shoulder is a stress fracture? LOL nothing to do with blacking out and falling down?

oh my, i am so glad i quit drinking, i won't be doing this to my kids.
sigh......
i understand your feelings though, my mother had a series of small strokes, and she became like a child, couldn't even use the phone. thought my 5 year old daughter was out to get her. man. what a life.

dothi

Oh I hear you. It's crazy-making, not to mention demoralizing if you take it seriously.

Short-term response: Deflect. Deflect. Deflect.

Long-term response: Distance. Distance. Distance. To me it sounds as though your AM's behavior still has a very powerful influence on you. It's a very unhealthy stress for your mind.

Why not say, "no" with some token excuse? Do not worry about having a rational reason to say no when you're dealing with an irrational person. Whether you are 100% honest about the reason or not, it's not going to change your AM overnight. Don't burden yourself with the responsibility of thinking, "if I treat her fairly, then maybe she will learn how to treat me fairly." ... If that's where your thinking is leading you.

If she pushes the subject, draw a boundary. "I already gave you an answer. If you continue to bring this up, I'm going to leave," and hang up or leave the conversation as necessary.

Quote:

She has not had a drink since February 21, and yet the alcoholic manipulative behaviors are gradually getting stronger and stronger and I am doing my best to set my boundaries and stick to them, which is a struggle at times.

Unless she is working her recovery, the only thing that's changed is she's dry. Alcohol is often just a label for what we don't like, and ceasing to drink does not address what actually hurts us: their behavior. Her behavior is still short-sighted and selfish (from the sounds of it), and it's that behavior that made her so intolerable to be around when she was drinking. Without the drinking the behavior hasn't changed (maybe just dulled down a bit), and so your stress response (intense overwhelming laughing/crying/screaming emotions) is still very high. If I were you, I wouldn't let my guard down. I would still treat her as an alcoholic, and continue to protect myself (boundaries, distancing, etc.) from the powerful impact of her negative behaviors.

Learn2Live4Me

Dothi - thank you for the insights. It really helped reading everyone's responses and giving myself a few days to process the situation. I've decided that I will deflect and distance myself from her, and only speak to her when I feel like it - when my boundaries and walls are firmly in place. I've used this approach for the past several years and it works well for me - drives her crazy because the relationship is not on her terms, but on mine, therefore she isn't in control - but this is about ME being a healthy person because I CHOOSE to recover from this and be a healthy person - she does not. I can only control myself and how I handle her, and your words really helped me refocus. Thank you for that!

Craziness aside - I'm very glad that it brought laughter to Sarahdoll and Wicked Sometimes I find that laughter is fantastic medicine, which it most definitely helped to know that others found it humorous, too.

Wicked - I give you HUGE kudos for quitting drinking & not doing this to your kids. I'm in your corner cheering you on ever step of the way! And thanks for making me laugh - reading your post put a smile on my face.

The Black Eyed Peas will have to rock on without my mother. I know it'll be difficult, but I'm sure they will survive.

Me, on the other hand, will still keep listening to the great wisdom from you all & jam out to their CD's on occasion! hehehehe

tromboneliness

Yup -- this is me and my Dad. Everything has to be on his terms, his way, or he can't stand it. It's only now, finally, when he's so weak that he can't get up and walk across the room without help, that he's beginning to accept any change whatsoever in his position as Dictator of the Universe™. (Mind you, he's only beginning to accept anything -- as far as he's concerned, he's still in charge... but at a certain point, reality does set in, when you can't even go to the frigging bathroom without help.)

I keep reminding myself that I don't have to win this game -- all I need is a tie.

T

Learn2Live4Me

LOVE this!!! I read that and realized that is a perfect way to look at this - I might just make myself a little sticker of that (or something as a reminder to carry with me) if you don't mind, that is! Anything I find that redirects me from heading down that path - whether it's the Serenity Prayer or a simple statement like the one you made - makes my day go sooooo sooooo soooo much smoother.

Thank you.