Triggers....

Old 03-22-2010, 10:18 AM
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Triggers....

I had a rough weekend. I seem to have a problem with Saturdays. I trigger all day long!

Last Saturday, I was at Bed Bath and Beyond. I LOVE that store, I was doing some shopping, picking up stuff for MY Place, doing my THING...and BAM. I am walking down the middle aisle, and I see a bunch of fun, palm tree glasses. I have the same glasses at home. My A used to call them 'the party glasses.' He asked me many times where I got them. I had no idea, they were a gift. But..here they are! Staring at me! I literally grabbed my phone, and started to look for his number. I was so excited!! "BABE! I found the glasses!!!"

Then.......................

SWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The wave hits me. Right in the middle of freaking BBB. I cannot call him. I cannot talk to him. I cannot share this with him. HOW STUPID! I stood there, my phone in my hand, just staring at it, tears rolling down my cheeks.

TRIGGER!

So, my excellent shopping experience was totally ruined by those stupid glasses. I went home, and spent the rest of the day sobbing. How could he do this to us? How can he forget me? How can he NOT TRIGGER like I am? How can he live in our memories, at his condo, sleep in OUR bed, and NOT TRIGGER? Why am I such a fool????



This past Saturday....more triggers. I was making vegetable soup, one of his favorites. I was doing just fine. Then, I thought to myself, who's going to taste test this soup? He always did. Who's going to eat all this? Is he eating? Did he go grocery shopping (Saturday was always my day to do our shopping).

Again.

SWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Tidal wave....

I was a mess all day. Terrible! I'm sick of triggering! I think I need to sleep through the next 6 months of Saturdays! I'm tired of being sad! I'm tired of him having all this control over my emotions.

It's not fair...I'm the one that left. No contact now for SIX WEEKS. And that's killing me too. I know, in the long run, it's the BEST thing. He is not attempting any contact, but WHY NOT???? Is it that easy to just forget about me? Was I that inconsequential in your existence, that you can just let me walk away.

So hard...I hate that I loved this person that never loved me. I really need to get over it!
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Old 03-22-2010, 10:27 AM
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I have to count my blessings that I am not in love with my exagf. I can't imagine having that extra burden on top of all the crap. It must make things 10 times harder. Now, I'm just scared sh*tless of her, which isn't a good feeling either, but at least that's my brain talking without interference from my heart.
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Old 03-22-2010, 10:28 AM
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I feel your pain...so very much. Ive had an active restraining order for almost 6 weeks and I so get those feelings.
How can he forget me? How can he NOT TRIGGER like I am? How can he live in our memories, at his condo, sleep in OUR bed, and NOT TRIGGER? Why am I such a fool????
They do. Most do, probably all do unless they are too busy drowing there pain or escaping in anger but the thoughts still come.
In times Ive been seperated previously from Ah he would not try to contact stay away ect to get my attention....Sadly it worked many times. So please don t think that way, he's effected you just have to keep going, you finding the healthy you.

This weekend I went through the same feelings. MIL tried to throw in my face AH isdoing great doesnt even ask about you, care what your doing ect. That stung at first, it stung bad, but when I stopped and thought about it, I remembered that was his act, its how it had always been. The pride wont let them show their feelings, the same pride that keeps them from getting help for themselves.

Take care of you, in time, im told the feelings will pass, will lessen ect
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Old 03-22-2010, 10:37 AM
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My friend, you do not know that he is not triggered by everyday events. You don't know whether he misses you or thinks of you. You don't know how he is able to move on or if he is able to move on at all.

Someone actively using their drug of choice is not going to be feeling a whole heck of lot, and if they are, they're going to be doing all they can to mask those feelings with that DOC.

Those of us feeling our emotions in raw form have to find healthy ways to work through them. Reaching out to others as you have here is a good start.

I cried at home, in the car, in restaurant bathrooms, and sometimes standing in the grocery aisle. It happens without warning and as times goes on it happens less and less.

You will get through this, I know you will. One step at a time, one day at a time.

Hugs,
Alice
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Old 03-22-2010, 11:25 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
you came face to face with some of your demons. they only hold as much power over you as you are willing to let them. i am in now way minimizing the emotions you are going thru. but in the final analysis, they were just glasses, sitting on a shelf. nothing more, nothing less. it might even be a healthy act to go back to the store, buy one or two of em, take them home, and smash them to bits. BREAK the connection.

getting ourselves all pulled back together is a bit like sweeping marbles up hill....for a time. til we find new better ways to catch marbles. right now you can take a stand, reclaim ownership of your own thoughts and feelings, take your power back. not easy, never easy, just worth it!!!


I need that! And you are right Anvil...the trigger only has control if I let it! Going to work on ways that it doesn't control me!
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Old 03-22-2010, 11:41 AM
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I try to redirect my thinking as in yes that happened or it has to do with him but its my life and has to do with me. Thinsg will remind me of him but I still have myself and my life. Like our wedding pics..I am just putting them in the basement. It was part of my life. I dont need them but maybe one day I want to look at them. I learned I cant hide from what happened. It was part of my life but doesnt have to rule it going forward.
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Old 03-22-2010, 11:49 AM
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It's real hard re-framing your life from your perspective when for so long it's been from your alcoholic spouse's.
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Old 03-22-2010, 12:10 PM
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How long ago did you end it with your A? I ask because initially it's expected you'll be sad, be in that grief part of acceptance. The longer you go NC with him, though, the easier it'll be.
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Old 03-22-2010, 12:26 PM
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Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
How long ago did you end it with your A? I ask because initially it's expected you'll be sad, be in that grief part of acceptance. The longer you go NC with him, though, the easier it'll be.
I walked out and left him on Feb 5, 2010. So, it was 6 weeks on Friday. NO contact, no emails, no texts. Nothing.
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Old 03-22-2010, 12:31 PM
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Girl you're way early in the game. You're right where you're supposed to be. That's why the feelings are so intense. You're not subduing them with contact, not getting your fix, so you can move through this grief. It's wonderful, really. You'll be stronger every day and facing your demons and making your life better.

You're working hard, and will earn serenity from it.
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