MissFixit

Captain's poll - thread about what A's biggest lost was got me thinking. What is it that I/we need from them? Why did/do we stay in abusive situations, honestly? Is it really low self esteem, fear of being alone, money or family reasons?

cinderellawkids

I think its fear of the unknown. Its easier to get comfortable in bad and even horrifying situations that to head out without knowing what to expect

tchappy

I believe all of the above....on my part it was low self esteem. But then being with a A will make your selfesteem even worse. Also I wanted to have children and my clock was winding down. So, I took the first crap that came along.

But, I woke up and realized after I found SR that I needed to work on myself and GET OUT!!! That is what I did. I'm thankful now. My self esteem is better and I know I deserve better.

CAPTAINZING2000

I stayed in one for the kids . That along with money. years ago, any domestic dispute between a man and a woman, the man was always told to leave the house. Anything short of me lying in the floor with a knife in me, I had to leave.

Thank God the laws are a changing.


Sadly, I'd go to a bar after I was told to leave. It was an unhealthy place for me to go.

I understand the same for women. You pack up things for you and your kids, where do you go next

coffeedrinker

I didn't click any of the choices for the poll, because for me it's clear that I have always held out hope that things would "click" for him this time. We haven't gone through all that many times as yet....and I know that I won't either.

Being seduced by the sparkle in his eyes when he is clear-headed and working it, and the promise (translation: hope/wish) that it will be long-lasting and he will continue to progress and work on his issues is what has kept me there.

NYC_Chick

I stayed because I was too sick to see my life was more important than his. I began to get better the first day I left and get better each day.

Carol Star

It took me years to accept I wasn't getting my white picket fence. I think also I had low self-esteem, I was believing him when he said he would clean up, I didn't want to give up on the marriage,(my parents divorce had effected me), I didn't want to lose the home we had worked on for so long, and mainly I was blind. Addiction is just so powerful. 51% of me just couldn't do it anymore.......I was codependent. I was in shock it was happening to me. Now 3 yrs. post divorce.......I see.... it was alot of stuff. I was emotionally and verbally abused. I didn't know how serious it was until a friend who was a social worker showed me a questionare that showed me..... I was abused. I loved the potential of the guy- not who he was. SR helped me because people who went before me were wise. I heard my story. I wasn't crazy. I wasn't alone. I could survive it- one day at a time. There was life after X. It was uncomfortable, sad, and $ costly. But..... now.......whew.......no quacking, no worrying about jails, courts, lies, accidents, financial consequences, no embarrasment, no abuse, no beer cans opening every 7 minutes, no pot growing in the closet, no warrents, no parole officers, no fighting, no dissapointments, and no worrying am I crazy. Serenity, no crazies, no chaos......quiet.

freefalling

I am not scared of being alone. I am scared though of the reponsibility to raise the kids alone. I realised have been raising them alone now for seven years - he was sober for the middle seven years of our marriage and drunk/stoned last seven..Time to go.

He could not cope without me - He got OW because I bored him... Time to go.

I am a stay at home home mum.No money or career of my own. I am however (long story - thank my HP) a shareholder and the business is still going. If I am with him or not will not make a major difference at this stage. I must do my bit and get involved in business. Also went back to college.Time to go...

I am a Christian and did not believe in divorce. At peace with God . No more loving somebody more than myself - but AS myself. Time to go....

Ceres

For me it was the 'ol fear of being alone.

You know what? It's gone. I love my home. I do not think I'd be interested in another marriage - In any future I can forsee. The dirty laundry. the preparation of his culinary needs. All that, stole the precious intimacy. Both of us becoming one blob of mental illness. I may not be cut out for marriage. As the possibility of being in love and totally SEPERATE looks irresistable.

So, I'm okay being alone - The question for me now is, am I okay without love?

IamSaved

I always believed that I could love him enough to make him not want to drink. I always thought if I just loved him, and showed him that we could have this great life, it would make him want it, and and want to change.

I was wrong.

LS2

For me it is the kids and money and I guess hard to admit the fear of being alone, as of right now I am new to all this and it is going to be a process and it isn't going to happen overnight and somedays it is hard to live with that I wish it could be RIGHT NOW! I mean if I needed it to be it could, but I want to have a plan.

I am in school right now and I don't have a job and I haven't had a job or any education since high school...I had 2 kids with this man at age 21 who are now 2 and 3 yrs old so..that is the hard part for me...

Thumper

For me it was because I wanted my perfect life. I was not going to give that up easily. I slid further and further in my mission to *make* that perfect life happen the *way I saw it in my head* until I was so lost I didn't realize how bad things really were. I was filled with resentment. I was exhausted and I became confused and immobilized by guilt about the choices I had made and what that meant for my children. The regret was huge and the acceptance did not come easily. I wanted to hold out hope because I didn't want to let loose of my dream.

justsomegirl

I am afraid he will change for the better and I will miss the husband I know is somewhere in there. I am also afraid that this will never happen. He does so well and his times of doing well seem to get longer each time, however ever time he seems to go back to the path where drinking and getting high overrule everything else.

Duped

I didn't stay. I realised her sickness was starting to invade me, and, luckily, my mother had heard all about my exagf's antics and she said, "Son, get the hell out of there". I listened to my mamma and I thank God everyday for her advice and that she had given me enough wisdom over the years to take it. I tried to fix the relationship shortly thereafter because I got sucked back in. Realised it was more of the same, and went no contact/gave up. Now I'm in self preservation mode. I felt obliged because of family reasons, that is why I went back.

LittleApple

I stay for our 4 kids. My wife is a "functional" alcoholic and I figure, rightly or wrongly, that the kids are still better off with the two of us together.

good_luck

I entered into my relationship much too soon after a 10 year relationship. I'd never encountered addiction, or abuse, and it took me a long time to realize what had happened. Man, that stuff is disorienting.

Summerpeach

Hope, fear and love.......All the same reasons any relationship faces

spinner

I stayed because I couldn't believe that anyone could do the things he did, that anyone could be as messed up as he is. Now that I have left and I see the truth I can't believe that I thought he was a wonderful person. He is living in another galaxy.

Spinner

MissFixit

Thanks everyone! I am learning that most of us are pretty similar with our reasons.

Summerp: I agree with the idea of what you write. For me, I have never stayed in such an abusive situation as I did with my A. I tolerated much less abuse from others. I wondered why folks stayed in their abusive situations as I see them as different than normal or healthy relationships.

posiesperson

Hm...it was hard to put my vote in...fear of being alone. Ugh.

I'm with Alizerin, though: now that I'm sorta kinda doing it, I love it. I love my house, the extra time with my kids when I'm really and truly present for them, I'm even enjoying cleaning the house because it's mine, mine, mine! And that's just as a result of taking a one month break from my A. I'm surprised how fast I'm settling into the notion of being alone. I was so, so, so exhausted from all of the drama, this is almost like a vacation compared to that rollercoaster!

That being said, the urge to rely on someone else comes up pretty frequently, still. I can't imagine not choosing to share my life again, and I'm sure I will. But in the meantime I keep reminding myself that enjoying the time alone definitely has it's perks. Here's hoping I get comfy enough with that I'm able to be in a relationship w/o losing myself...

Fingers crossed,
Posie