MSS

I have been with dating a guy for a little over a year now. At first I was not aware of the alcoholism, and by the time I realized it I was in way to deep to let him go. I have made myself literally sick due to his drinking. He has been away for home for the last 5 days on one of his binges. I know he will be back in the next day or two. I am trying to figure out ways to help myself while he is away this time. I have drafted a letter I am going to read to him when he returns, and I would like some input on it. So here it is: (feel free to tell me what I need to change or remove it won't hurt my feelings)

I am going to start this by saying, I Love You, but I hate the drinking and what it is doing to you. I fear that one day it is going to be the death of you. But I have come to the realization that it is not my choice to force you to quit, that has to be your decision when you are ready. You last told me that I needed to figure out what was wrong with me and to fix it because you could not live that way any longer. Well after spending these days I apart, I have come to the conclusion that I am making myself sick from worrying about you and whether you are going to run off and drink again and trying to force you into not doing it. This is solely because I fear it is going to kill you with your health problems. I could not imagine living my life without you in it.
During this time, I have found myself spending my entire day worried about you. Whether you are eating, if your blood pressure was too high, if your ulcer is bleeding again, are you throwing up blood, do you have a place to stay, who you are with etc. etc. etc. I have had dreams of attending your funeral service. I feared that every ambulance siren I hear is you on your way to the hospital. In doing all of this I have felt my symptoms increase. I cannot continue going on like this.
So in order to fix myself, I have spent the last several days researching ways to help myself. I know I cannot change you, I have to change myself and determine what I can am willing to live with. At this point, I have decided I do not want a life without you in it, but I have to remove the stressors the alcoholism is creating. So I have decided to set boundaries for myself to live by. I am not promising you that I am going to be able to spend my life with you while you are drinking, but I am not willing to let the relationship go without trying. So this is what I have decided:
 I will not allow alcohol to be brought into my home or on my property. If you choose to drink, I will have to ask you to leave to do that. I do not want it around me or the kids.
 I will not drive you to where you want to go to drink. It is going to be your responsibility to get yourself to where you are going and to find your way back home once you are sober.
 I will not allow you in my home when you are drunk. I will ask you to leave.
 I will not take care of you when you have a hangover, if you cannot get up and get what you need for yourself, I will not do it for you.
 I will not give you money for anything. If you need something, I will get it for you provided it is not related to alcohol or pills not prescribed to you.
 I will not force you to attend AA meetings or a rehab facility, but if you choose to go at anytime, I will take you and when possible stay with you.
 I will not miss work any longer because you need me to stay with you so you can remain sober, take care of your hangover, or because I fear you are going to drink. However, if I come home and you have violated the no alcohol boundary, I will ask you to leave and stay gone until you are sober.
 I will dispose of all alcohol and pills not prescribed to you that are in my home and/or property.
 I will no longer allow my bedroom door to be padlocked. There should be no reason whatsoever that the kids should not have access to the entire house.
 I will not talk to you on the phone while you are drinking, I will immediately hang up the phone if you call drunk.
 I will not lie for you to your family and friends regarding your lifestyle.
 As much as I love your children, I will not take care of them for you while you are drinking. I will take them home until you are sober again.
 I will not pay off any debts you create while you are drinking and using pills.
 I will not come to your rescue if for some reason you go to jail due to drinking/pills.
 I refuse to not express my opinion regarding situations because of fear that it will make you upset and send you into one of your binges.
 If you want to talk about your drinking or your options, I will be there to listen and help you in any way that I can, but I will not force you to talk about it.
 I will not miss family events or activities that my children are involved in due to your drinking. You are welcome to attend with me provided you are not drinking and/or drunk, but I will not miss them because you don’t want to go or you are drunk.
 I will not marry you until you are sober for a minimum of six months straight.
 I will continue to ask myself if it is worth remaining in this relationship, and if at any point I choose it is not, I will ask you leave for good. The next time I do this, you will know I have given up completely.
By doing this, I am hoping to reach peace in my life. It is in no way to punish you for your drinking. It is to help me cope with the alcoholism because it affects my life as much as it does yours and others that love you. I am also not saying it is okay for you to run off and drink, because it is not. I am just saying I am willing to cope with it better. I still have hope and faith you will be able to quit drinking. Remember through all of this I love you. I am willing to try this, but I am not going to guarantee that it will result in a happy ending for us. Now the decision is yours. Are you willing to live your life with me by these boundaries I am setting?
I Love You!

OK so there it is. Am I on the right track or do I need to restart?

Ceres

Less is more! Boundaries: I'm still to new to know anything.

I'd at least suggest editing it down. Get rid of a few words here and there and It can be half the length. His alcoholic foggy mind probably couldn't wrap around all that.

suki44883

Just my opinion...These letters don't do any good. He's already told you that he doesn't want to live with you the way things are now. Why would he change his mind and want to live with you after you add all these rules? You may call them boundaries, but to him, they will be rules. The only question you should be asking is whether or not YOU want to live with HIM the way things are right NOW.

You are never "in too deep to let him go." If you are not happy with the way things are right now, then quit trying to make deals with him and concentrate on getting yourself out of the situation.

wicked

I think you are definitely on the right track with boundaries, MSS.
Do you think he will read all that?
Maybe what Alizerin says is right, keep it simple and with consequences.
But, you do have consequences in there,
such as If you are drinking, I will not take care of your children.
And you have to be able to follow through.
Of course, this advice is from a raging codependent.
beth

megan09

To me, a healthy relationship would be sharing my life with someone on a daily basis. Even if your bf adheres to these boundaries/rules, you would have no stability, no real commitment. Is this what you want? I have been apart from my ex for 18 months now, and though it has been painful to stay away, I am at last starting to feel that I am coming out the other end. My recovery was to look at why I was accepting so little from a so-called life partner; why did I think that was what I deserved? Healthy people attract healthy people. Your list sounds exhausting to me, and to put it into practice will take a lot of recovery for YOU and a lot of Al-Anon. You deserve more. Hugs.