HurtingWife2010

Hi Everyone. I'm new here. I'm happy to have found SoberRecovery.com. I'm having some issues with my recovering husband.

We have been married for 8 months and he told me on March 8th that he had been abusing painkillers (oxycodone and percocet) since right after our wedding. He had used in the past (he was clean for almost 8 years before this relapse) and I truly thought this was in his past. During these past 8 months or so that he has been using, I had no idea. He had me tricked. We had been fighting all the time, but I thought it was just the growing pains of new marriage. We didn't live together before we were married so we had a lot to get used to with each other. But as time went on, he became pretty mean to me. When we fought, he would insult me, hurt me, etc. It was pretty horrible. He would threaten divorce when we fought, he would say that maybe we weren't meant to be, etc. He seemed like such a different person. He didn't seem like the person I thought I married. And I had no idea what changed! When he came out and told me about his relapse, I knew we could get through it. I even felt relief that there was an explanation for his behavior. It was all clear why he was acting the way he was and hurting me so badly.

So when he told me about his relapse we decided to get him into Suboxone treatment. The Suboxone is doing what it's supposed to do and he is not using, which is wonderful. He is going to NA a few times a week. My issue is that the bad habits he has developed during our new marriage have not changed. He is not abusing drugs, but he is still pretty mean. I see that he tries, but he hurts me in some way or another on a daily basis. I feel so low and hurt. I don't want a divorce, I want to help him, but I feel my self esteem is shot. When will this all change? When will the bad habits he developed during his drug use change? When will he realize that he has hurt me and want to fix our relationship?

I've been reading posts and decided to finally post because I do not know what to do or where to turn. I feel like he doesn't understand my perspective and how I'm feeling. Thanks for reading.

suki44883

How long did you know him before you married? Did he treat you badly before you married? You know, sometimes, people are just jerks who abuse drugs or alcohol. You sober up a jerk and you're still left with a sober jerk. I'm not saying this is the case, but it is something to think about.

Hunny1116

Hi and welcome! You are in the right place and I am glad you decided to post. I, too, came to SR when I was at the end of my rope with my addicted son and "didn't know what to do or where to turn." You'll find so much support and so many people here who do understand your perspective and how you are feeling.

This is a great first step. Alanon has also helped me so much as I live in a small city and they don't have Naranon here. You might check out some Naranon and/or Alanon meetings in your area.

JMO, but there is a great sticky at the top of this forum titled, "For the Abused Woman." It is full of excellent information.

Although the our drinker/user is affected physically, mentally, and spiritually by the disease, so are we, the sober family members. Education about the disease is one of the things that has helped me. Also, being with people who understand and care about me no matter what. You will find that at SR.

Keep reading and posting. I'm glad you are here....

Freedom1990

Here is the link to the sticky that Hunny was referring to:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html

Abuse is never okay, hon, never.

I was married to an abuser, both physical and emotional.

When I left the EXAH, I thought a huge portion of my problems was solved.

Unfortunately I did not realize how much that abuse had pervaded every ounce of my being, and that I needed to work on me.

Every day that the abuse happened, another little slice of me died.

So what I did after I left him was simply repeat the pattern over and over, with different men. I would rationalize each one was different, not like the EXAH. They didn't beat me like he did.

They were emotionally unavailable at best, and emotionally abusive at worst.

Suki is right in that some people are jerks whether using or not using. It's just a part of who they are.

I would encourage you to get your hands on a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood is also an excellent read. They were both eye-openers for me.

Also check into Naranon or Alanon meetings in your area for yourself. Alanon is more widely available.

You are a child of God, and deserve to be treated with kindness and respect! :ghug3

HurtingWife2010

Thank you for the kind words. I was with him for 6 years before we married. He was the sweetest person in the world. I wanted to marry him. We were in a car accident just before our wedding which he was prescribed percocet. This is what started the relapse. He had me convinced he could handle it. I was pretty naive I guess. And never thought this would happen.

I want to make this work. I know that same person is in there, but how long until he comes back to me?

I'm planning on checking out the Naranon/Alanon meetings. I'm sort of scared to go. I don't know what to expect.

Chino

He may never understand unless/until the shoe is on the other foot. It's kind of the same thing for us on this side of the fence. I'm able to intellectually understand my daughter's addiction and I sincerely hope I don't ever understand how she's feeling.

Please check out some meetings. You don't have to say anything if you don't want.