Feeling weak today ...

Old 03-21-2010, 07:21 AM
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Feeling weak today ...

In my previous post you all gave me more credit than was due .... I left my lying recovering dry drunk boyfriend 12 days ago. No contact on either side since then. I am sure I am the only one who is suffering.
It is taking all my will not to contact him and I am doing everything possible to get thoughts of him out of my head. It is just not so easy! I allowed myself to stay in a relationship that was unhealthy and one that I was extremely short changed in. Why should I give him any thought at all? Why do I miss him?
Interestingly enough, I do not read on this site enough about the issues that plagued my relationship.. This man continually lied and did things behind my back. He continually frequented dating sites even though we were engaged to be married. I think he needed the social attention while he was at work etc because we were together too much for him to have actually met someone in person. He prioritized his hobbies and his friends - who had very little contact with him - above and beyond me and my children. He always claimed to have no money; but is a compulsive shopper on Ebay and never goes without anything. He is a fixture at AA and group meetings but never actually worked at any of the steps.
I read somewhere on here the term "Rejected by the Reject". That is what I am suffering from! After 3 years together I find it unfathomable that he can just let me walk. I know he is doing me a favor - it doesn't make it any easier.
I just seem stuck although I want to move on.
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Old 03-21-2010, 07:37 AM
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In my previous post you all gave me more credit than was due .... I left my lying recovering dry drunk boyfriend 12 days ago. No contact on either side since then.
To me, safetygirl, you get plenty props just for leaving and going no contact for 12 days!
Wow, that is major. You can do this!
Have you found any AlAnon meetings?
I believe they can help you, and you already know alot.
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Old 03-21-2010, 08:00 AM
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Hey Safety,

I find these boards a life saver also! But there is nothing better than face-to-face. I've been trying real hard to suck it up! To surrender to the ladies on this board and my friends. Which, for me, is not doing ANYTHING without asking for suggestions and really listening to the adivce given.

I've found that codependency recovery and AA recovery are the same in the sense that I have to SURRENDER and take ONE DAY AT A TIME.

At 12 days, maybe the 'ol "one day at a time" saying can help you through each day.
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Old 03-21-2010, 11:32 AM
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I went through the dating site thing too, closing the internet page down when I walked in the room etc. It drove me so crazy that I installed keyloggers on the PC and had the joy of reading his chat logs and emails. It did nothing but validate what I already knew.
Only when he stopped drinking did he find hobbies, those came before the family too, infact everything to do with him and his needs and wants came before the family.
Some people are just selfish cheats whether they're drunk or not.
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Old 03-21-2010, 11:47 AM
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Once tried out one of that internet dating things myself..She turned out to be a pyscho bunnyboiler..
Took some breakin free from...pHEW...am sure she,s said the same thing about me...Close shave was had by both parties...Theres always 2 sides to every story, though am sure theres many a happy relationship been found this way,.. hi to the missus, am also a merseyside lad myself..
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Old 03-21-2010, 12:40 PM
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Oh I can so relate. Listen, The Cheating is a tool to keep you hooked in and the drama on him.
These four sentences, repeated whenever I felt abandoned and desperate, gave me freedom.

I am leaving you now.
This is my choice.
I am free of you and your toxic behavior
All is for my greater good.


This will put the power of choice back in your hands and reprogram what you say to yourself. If you're spinning "why did he leave me? Why doesn't he love me anymore?" over and over again, you'll never be able to detach.
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Old 03-21-2010, 12:48 PM
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pyscho bunnyboiler <--- Ha ha, that was me me in my 20's. Wouldn't boil thumper tho. Just broke stuff.
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Old 03-21-2010, 12:58 PM
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talkin relationships now,...Ever feel your tryin to build your foundations on quicksand???
talk about bein held captive by a cheatin partner..Its kind of or somewhat the same as being held captive in a marriage you have both invested heavily in...But it just aint workin out..But the thoughts of breakin free, alone...Are very scary indeed.but until you do, the mental limbo gets worst..And you just begin to dislike each other that little bit more...Stalemate..HELP...
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Old 03-21-2010, 01:15 PM
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Sorry should explain myself here..This is were me and my wife are at..Child involved also
its cool we will work it somehow...Just gettin it off my chest..Damm i wish i could persuade my wife to post also on here..Then you can get the full jist of things...From both parties as it were.. SR for being here..
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Old 03-21-2010, 01:19 PM
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kerbcrawler,

we should get transformyself over here.
she said something great about the cheating.
just paraphrasing
the cheating is only part of the drama that keeps you in a bad relationship.

yes, i tried to stay with a cheater, actually begged his stupid a$$ to stay with me and quit cheating. he couldn't do it. too bad i needed more damage done to finally give up.
and yeah, two kids involved.
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Old 03-21-2010, 01:31 PM
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"Just gettin it off my chest..Damm i wish i could persuade my wife to post also on here..Then you can get the full jist of things...From both parties as it were."

NOOOOOOOO!

Make this your sanctuary. You'll prbably regret it if she came here. You'd end up editing no doubt.
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Old 03-21-2010, 01:38 PM
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How funny is it that me, the one with true love in my heart and the non - addict, spends my time researching help on the computer; whereas my alcoholic boyfriend who is only 3 months out of rehab is spending his time on the computer on ebay, porn sites, and dating sites. Whats wrong with this picture? Hurting or not it WAS my choice to leave and I know I will move on and find happiness eventually. He, on the otherhand, will suffer from his demons forever because he CHOOSES to do nothing about them.
Thank you all for the comments. Please keep them coming.
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Old 03-21-2010, 01:41 PM
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"pending his time on the computer on ebay, porn sites, and dating sites."

^
Ewwwww. Now read that aloud to yourself 50 times a day. ;-)
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Old 03-21-2010, 01:43 PM
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thanks Alizerin, for that..Yeah right probably end up with a few new Lawsuits comin my way...Out of misguided love... , Dig your ongoing pics shoot of cool characters.. TX.
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Old 03-21-2010, 01:58 PM
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Bye the way...Mixing humour with real life Tragedy pain..Is no easy task..Was always told if you dont laugh you cry...Laughter also in hardship can be a great thing.. If your predicament is quite bizzarly funny its worh a laugh right.:rotfxko
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Old 03-21-2010, 02:14 PM
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If your predicament is quite bizzarly funny its worh a laugh right
Too right!
Yeah, without my morbid and decidedly self-deprecating wicked humor,
I tell ya, I would be crazy.
:rotfxko
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Old 03-21-2010, 02:18 PM
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Originally Posted by safetygirl View Post
How funny is it that me, the one with true love in my heart and the non - addict, spends my time researching help on the computer; whereas my alcoholic boyfriend who is only 3 months out of rehab is spending his time on the computer on ebay, porn sites, and dating sites. Whats wrong with this picture? Hurting or not it WAS my choice to leave and I know I will move on and find happiness eventually. He, on the otherhand, will suffer from his demons forever because he CHOOSES to do nothing about them.
Thank you all for the comments. Please keep them coming.
Oh honey, it is not funny. You are in the beginning of your recovery.
I am years from my pain and still suffer the codependency.
You know that even you are hurting now, you will move on and find happiness.
Focus on that.
You are my hero for no contact for twelve days.
I was insane trying to find out what that A$$ was doing without me.
Oh, yeah, found another woman to suffer his illness with, didn't take him too long either.
Beth
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Old 03-21-2010, 02:41 PM
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Wicked, thank you.
My counselor told me last week the following, "Be realistic. He is never going to pull of with someone else what he couldn't pull off with you".
I find alot of comfort in those words regardless of how sad I am over the breakup. He is incapable of having a healthly relationship no matter who he manages to get stuck in his web. I feel really sorry for him.
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Old 03-21-2010, 02:53 PM
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I just seem stuck although I want to move on.
I want you to know that after a 14 year marriage, three affairs, two seperations, and several slips of sleeping with him since I moved out in September, I am really loving my life and glad to be rid of him, finally. I never thougth I would feel this way. Ever. I thought my heart would be broken forever. That was before I learned how to take my life back, take responsibility for my own happiness and stop obsessing about him.

And I still have the same feelings surface, the same difficulty you describe. I just work hard to let them go.

I just went into the store where STBXAH works and bought some specialized meat at the counter next to his. He runs the seafood department, and right next to it is the meat counter. I use a special smoked sausage to make a soup and have been avoiding going in there in order to maintain NC and also because i can get triggered very easily there. It's where he had his affair with the nasty, homeless alcoholic he worked with.

I asked the twenty something little blond girl behind the meat counter for the sausage and of course he came right over and started talking to me. This girl had no idea who I am or what's going on. I"ve never seen her there before. She started blushing and giggling and flirting with him, which is a common reaction women have to this very handsome, very charming, very selfish, manipulative, soon to be ex-husband of mine.

I've had women throw themselves at him for our entire relationship-right in front of me. If you had several hours I could tell you the litany of horrific things he's said and done to me, but my guess is you already know. You've been living it too.

I wanted to kill both of them. Instantly. It was like a solar flare. And while I"m grateful I no longer react with unyeilding pain and torment, grateful that this anger has replaced it, I also know I have to let it go ASAP and get back to my life. Or I will be eaten alive.

It was as I FORCED myself to smile, say thank you and walk away that I thought of you and this post.

What does it mean to want to move on but feel stuck?

For me, I have to acknowledge the feelings I"m having, then let them go and force myself to admit I cannot even THINK about him. Not a luxury I can afford. Not my business. Not my problem.

I'm de-escalating pretty well right now, whereas in the recent past this could have tripped me up for days. But I"m going to get back to the yard work, make burgers for me and the kids and do anything, anything other than call him and scream at him about how he betrayed me. Which is what I want to do.

I think my point is that sometimes this doesn't go away. I believe in time, with NC and working on myself, that it will. But it will take time. It will take my being kind to myself and letting go and not obsessing.

Go make a life you love more than anything instead of wasting your time on this guy. He doesn't deserve to lick your shoes.
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Old 03-21-2010, 03:01 PM
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Hey safetygirl..sos for jumpin in wit my own marital Dysfunction...Hope you find a better guy to look after you...An a better guy that deserves bein looked after by you...
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