ferrari355

Good evening, or morning, depending on timezone.

I completed a questionnaire online, it said I had a "very high tolerance" but "low dependency" (But a low dependency is still a dependency, right?)

One of the questions was "Are you an alcoholic?", and I answered straight away, without hesitating, 'strongly agree'. So my perception of myself is that I'm an alcoholic. And allegedly, alcoholism is self-diagnosed. So I'm going to run with that.

Someone with a healthy relationship with alcohol doesn't register on a forum called "sober recovery", having browsed the forum, and other similar ones, numerous times in the past three months or so - as I've done.

Someone with a healthy relationship with alcohol doesn't set a goal of giving up for a month - and then fail, as I've done recently.

Someone with a healthy relationship with alcohol doesn't drink 30 units in a 24 hr period when they're in a 'moderation' phase - as I've done recently.

I don't have a physical dependency, and have never woken up with cravings. But I don't judge people that do, because I know, in a odd way, that my dependency - emotional and psychological - is not significantly different from theirs. I use alcohol as a crutch, have done for years. And its damaged me, and I'm kind of fed up with the demon, so it's time for change.

I was updating my CV during the week to apply for a more senior job in my company, and reviewing it, actually, it turns out I have a really good CV. And yet, most of the time, I have issues with self-esteem, and at times, almost hate myself. It was only on reviewing my accomplishments that it occured to me, they're not bad. And that's what booze has done to me, basically. A fracturing of self-assessmeent.

So I have, and have had, a great career, and at times a great life - some of this with booze.

Without it, I can become much better. Without the crutch, I can become what I really want to be.

I want to be good again, whatever that means.

I want to lead a big life.

Dee74

Hi Ferarri

It sounds like to me you've got a good handle on the acceptance bit - that was the big hurdle for me - took me 10-15 years to get there, but it was a real turning point for me - I hope it will be for you too

I have a life now bigger than I dared ever dream of LOL

You'll find a lot of wisdom and support here
Welcome to SR!

D

CarolD

for joining with us and for sharing your thoughts
Welcome to our recovery community....

ferrari355

Hi Dee

I think you're right in saying I have a handle on the acceptance bit, for me, the main challenge is actually confronting it. I've known I've a problem for a long time now, yet only recently have take concrete actions to deal with it. There was no specific event that led to this realisation, it was just a confluence of various things, I suppose.

Anyway, thanks for your support.

ferrari355

Thanks for your support, Carol.

NewBeginning010

Welcome to SR ferrari355

preta

Hello, and welcome!
The AA 'definition' of alcoholism is found in the first few chapters of the book "alcoholics anonymous'. Its a quick read, especially if you can relate. If you find yourself in much of what is written there, your probably an alcoholic. The physical dependence on alcohol gets worse, trust me, and it aint fun. If your an alcoholic, I wouldnt waste any time. Seek help! Alcoholics Anonymous saved my life. There are other programs that work as well. Find out what's available in your local area!
Wish you the best..

NEOMARXIST

I think you sound nicely grounded. I like how you say you don't feel any better than someone who drinks as soon as they wake and that you don't 'judge' them. You appreciate that this is where alcoholism takes you and it's all related; just at different stages.

It took me there and there ain't no turning back to just a night-time binge after you discover morning drinking. This is where my alcoholism really started impacting upon my life and those around me and I began to 'feel' like an alcoholic.

You admit you're an alcoholic. This is also a great starting point. Many never get to that part. If you can totally accept this and realise it's the first drink that does all the damage then you're making good progress imo.

Remaining humble and having humility are all qualities which will help with sobriety. You sound like you have been successful with booze in your life, so think how successful you could be living a sober life 'recovering' from your alcoholism.

I also relate to the self-hatred thing too. I think many alcoholics struggle with that trait. Self-jeopardising. I know I had/have that trait but 'recovery' from alcoholism has taught me so many things about myself.

All The Best,

intention

Hi and welcome.

I never considered myself physically dependant on alcohol but once I quit I realised that I had been having withdrawal symptoms for a year or so.

Every time I drunk I passed out and woke within two to three hours. I could never get back to sleep, despite being tired and I was anxious and my heart was racing. These are subtle withdrawal symptoms when the blood alcohol level starts to drop. OK, they were not life threatening like the DTs can be but considering for over a year I spent most nights wide awake suffering from this, it really was insane that I continued to drink.

I would guess that it would not have been long before I would have reached for the bottle in the middle of the night to get myself back to sleep. The last few times that I drunk, I despised the taste of the alcohol and I just knocked it back to get the stuff in my body, knowing that very soon I wouldn't have to feel or taste anything.

One thing that I know about my drinking which I have in common with other alcoholics is that when I had my first drink, I was always thinking about the second, third, fourth etc and I always ended up drinking more than I intended and into oblivion.

Well done on making the decision to quit. Are you thinking about going to AA?

ferrari355

Have thought about it, certainly.

I don't want to be telling fibs - the fact is, I still drink. The problem is, alcohol still gives me 'good feelings' so I seem to get something out of it. I think it's a matter of substitution, substituting other more healthy activities.

This year I am physically much fitter than I have been in many years as a result of adopting a moderate exercise regimen, so the demon plants the thought at the back of my mind: "Well, you can still drink, you just need to keep up your exercise regime, you obviously don't have a big problem with booze, you can't possibly be an alcoholic if you can do this and still keep drinking."

My understanding is that the above thought process is what is called "Stinking Thinking" in the AA community - I think this is a good description of the thought process.

I keep coming back to this quote, I read it in a book about addiction:

"Addiction, any addiction, is a craving for emotion."

Toronto68

Ferrari, I guess that book on addiction is right, that is a craving for emotion - or it is an avoidance of emotion. I think I used alcohol for both reasons.

I relate to your self-criticism. It seems like I am better at building up others than myself, but I am working at it smarter lately, or I hope so. It took several years but alcohol eventually started to weigh down my ability to rebound from periods of low self-worth, work and otherwise. It added to it. Even though things can be really rotten and not good enough, whether it is dissatisfaction with work or a relationship, I would rather see myself deal with it without alcohol now. Why should I harm myself with a FAKE ANTIDOTE as a way to get through rough patches? (S&()#$#^ that.)

If you reach a point where you can drop the drinking, go for it - but also be careful medically speaking. Hoping the best for you!

coffeenut

Welcome!

ferrari355

Yes, agreed. It is similar for me.

"Fake antidote"- that's a very good description.

I'm not drinking at a level whereby I'd be concerned about physical withdrawal symptoms, it's more in the way of a psychological and emotional crutch for me.

Toronto68

Ferrari, I kind of said the medical part because I figured I should in case.

Do you think you are going to wean it down or just drop it clean? I just stopped. There was only about half the beers I would normally take in in the fridge, and then I just "resigned" on the drinking. There may even have been only 3 or something, I don't really remember. After that, there was a series of things I had to take care (place looked like a cyclone hit it, blah blah)...so I took care of those with the mantra "bit by bit, I am getting my life back." I still say it, several weeks later, even if it is not a huge task I am looking after - like if I cope with something that ticks me off with my own coping skills instead of alcohol, I will say it to myself sometimes. Alcohol is a bad friend without a face, and I just left it.

Other people have their own ways of getting through each day, day after day. The littlest things are BIG things. They aren't silly either, they matter.

least

Welcome to SR! I'm glad you joined the family.

Hevyn

Ferrari - so glad you joined us. You are realizing, early on, what continued drinking will probably do to your life. I wish I'd been that wise. Many years ago I had already reached the conclusions you have - but I dismissed them and kept going. Spent ages trying to moderate - all the while building a huge tolerance & heading towards insanity.

You will never have to know the chaos and misery caused by a lifetime of drinking. Be thankful you are one of the few to acknowledge your problem before reaching a so-called bottom. Let us know how it's going for you.

Tazman53

Welcome to SR Ferrari, sounds like you are starting off on fairly good ground, why not check out some AA meetings?

What do you have to lose? A drinking problem perhaps?

What may you gain? Possibly a whole new way of living sober & free.

RacerX

Hi ferrari,

I've loved reading your well thought-out posts. Thanks so much for joining SR!

The quote above really hit home with me. I've always been very active in my workout routine. I was running 3 times a week, lifting weights another 2-3 times a week, very healthy diet....and downing a magnum bottle of wine every night.

I, too, told myself the lie of "I can't be an alcoholic and still be so physically active" as well, and this was yet another road block that my mind used to keep me from recovery.

As I'm sure you know, us alcoholics come in a variety of forms and it really doesn't matter how rich or poor we are, whether we are employed or unemployed, if we are a workout freak or suffer from the eternal beer gut, if we are divorced or happily married with the 2+ kids and the white picket fence, etc, etc. I tried to make it rocket science for years but it all came down to one simple thing. When I take that first glass of wine, I do NOT want to stop drinking and I won't stop unless someone actually takes the bottle away. Even then, I'll try to make up an excuse to run to the store to get more. It's that simple for me - regardless of any other circumstance in my life.

Last note. I think we can get too carried away in trying to define ourselves as alcoholics (although I know for a fact that I am one) and we can run the risk of using the whole "am I or am I not" process as yet another wall. I think the founders of AA realized this as well and, therefore, made it real simple - all you need is a desire to stop drinking. That's it.

I heard someone say that they could think of a million good reasons not to drink and zero good reasons to continue drinking. Wise words indeed!

RacerX

ferrari355

I was thinking about my historic pattern of drinking.

Started university in 1990 at only 17, was the second youngest in the class IIRC.
1990-1992 (Ages of 17-19): I drank a few beers now and again but mostly very moderate amounts by later standards. There was not a huge drinking culture in the class, or if there was I wasn't part of it. Didn't drink at all from January to September 1993, i.e., most of my third year as I was focussing on getting a good result in my exams. Don't remember missing it that much.

Late 1993, on finishing exams and starting work embarked on a few social bingeing sessions but not necessarily unusual for someone of that age and cultural background. Though I definitely did overdo on a few occasions.

1994/1995: Would have a few beers most Fridays, generally nothing excessive apart from the odd 21st birthday party or something of the like.

1995-1998: Between 20-40 (UK) units per week, including plenty of mid-week drinking.

1999-2000: 20-60 units per week, I'd guess 30 or 40 on average. Period of abstinence: January 1999.

2001-2004: moderated somewhat as 2000 had been a very heavy drinking year. Probably on average 30 units per week. Abstained for January 2002 and January 2003 (in fact I think I did most of February 2002 also).

2005-2009: Some time in early 2005 having way too much time on my hands being (voluntarily) unemployed, got into the unfortunate habit of daily or almost daily drinking, including beer phases and a short cider phase (gave it up as I didn't like what it was doing to my teeth and blood sugar) but mainly wine. A bottle of wine a night on average or its equivalent. Reading a lot of stories here, quite a few of us slipped into a similar pattern for various reasons.

Probably less social binging during this period, more steady (often solitary) drinking than in previous years. 2007-2009 I kept a daily log of my drinks consumed and I drank on average 80% of days, 20% were non-drinking days.

2010 to date: 30 units on average.

ferrari355

Well, the good news is I had blood tests recently done and seemingly the results came back 'completely normal'. Blood pressure reading is also completely normal. My resting pulse rate seems to be around the late 70s which could be better. Will try to get it down with exercise.

I guess now I have to decide if I should abstain completely or go on with moderation.