thinking about dating a recovering prescription drug addict
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thinking about dating a recovering prescription drug addict
I found this forum online and need some advice from others who have gone through the process of deciding whether or not to get romantically involved with someone who has a past history of prescription drug usage.
A co-worker and I have developed mutual feelings for each other. In many ways, he a very sweet, kind, warm person, and I find myself really falling for him. He has been upfront about his past addiction problems, and he has been clean for 23 months. I don't see any signs of relapse, but since this is all new to me, I need to gain a better understanding of where a person is emotionally after just two years of being clean.
Here are my questions. Any help anyone can give me would be much appreciated.
1. Is two years of recovery and sobriety enough time for a person to be able to commit to a serious relationship?
2. Are there any common characteristics people who are only a year or two in recovery tend to have that I should be aware of, especially when it comes to romantic relationships?
3. Are there any red flags I should be looking for?
4. This guy is really into me. Is there any reason I should see his deep feelings for me as just part of his addictive personality? He is seriously into me, possibly in love with me.
Any advice anyone has would help me out so much!
A co-worker and I have developed mutual feelings for each other. In many ways, he a very sweet, kind, warm person, and I find myself really falling for him. He has been upfront about his past addiction problems, and he has been clean for 23 months. I don't see any signs of relapse, but since this is all new to me, I need to gain a better understanding of where a person is emotionally after just two years of being clean.
Here are my questions. Any help anyone can give me would be much appreciated.
1. Is two years of recovery and sobriety enough time for a person to be able to commit to a serious relationship?
2. Are there any common characteristics people who are only a year or two in recovery tend to have that I should be aware of, especially when it comes to romantic relationships?
3. Are there any red flags I should be looking for?
4. This guy is really into me. Is there any reason I should see his deep feelings for me as just part of his addictive personality? He is seriously into me, possibly in love with me.
Any advice anyone has would help me out so much!
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Boy did "Cynical One" hit the nail on the head with that post! Thus, the name "Cynical One!" LOL
All kidding aside, you didn't say how long you have known this co-worker. Does he/she continue to be active in recovery meetings?
I sure would be very careful only because he/she can relapse at any time.
I think 23 months is great though; however, if it were me, I would probably shy away only because I think it's just as easy to fall for a person without baggage!
Sorry, only my opinion. Probably sounds harsh, but been around addiction so long I've become very distrustful.
Don't rush into anything.
Hugs, Devastated
All kidding aside, you didn't say how long you have known this co-worker. Does he/she continue to be active in recovery meetings?
I sure would be very careful only because he/she can relapse at any time.
I think 23 months is great though; however, if it were me, I would probably shy away only because I think it's just as easy to fall for a person without baggage!
Sorry, only my opinion. Probably sounds harsh, but been around addiction so long I've become very distrustful.
Don't rush into anything.
Hugs, Devastated
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Originally Posted by cynical one 
First red flag- normal relationships are not rushed, they are not whirlwind romances where you meet and within a couple of months they are so "into you" and "in love". Other red flags are inviting someone over for dinner and them never leaving, having to prove your love, hearing about their psycho ex-girlfriend, or controlling parents, "lending" them money, giving them a place to crash, food in their tummy, or allowing them to use your car. More early red flags are losing their wallets, having their stuff stolen, not being able to hold a job, not having their own place to live, being very needy, losing their phone/battery dead for hours or days, lots of drama, things that don't seem quite right, things you swore they said or you saw but they now deny.
I'm getting out of another relationship myself that I rushed into, mistakenly, and I don't want to make that mistake with this new guy.
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Originally Posted by devastated
Boy did "Cynical One" hit the nail on the head with that post! Thus, the name "Cynical One!" LOL
All kidding aside, you didn't say how long you have known this co-worker. Does he/she continue to be active in recovery meetings?
I sure would be very careful only because he/she can relapse at any time.
I think 23 months is great though; however, if it were me, I would probably shy away only because I think it's just as easy to fall for a person without baggage!
Sorry, only my opinion. Probably sounds harsh, but been around addiction so long I've become very distrustful.
Don't rush into anything.
Hugs, Devastated
All kidding aside, you didn't say how long you have known this co-worker. Does he/she continue to be active in recovery meetings?
I sure would be very careful only because he/she can relapse at any time.
I think 23 months is great though; however, if it were me, I would probably shy away only because I think it's just as easy to fall for a person without baggage!
Sorry, only my opinion. Probably sounds harsh, but been around addiction so long I've become very distrustful.
Don't rush into anything.
Hugs, Devastated
I seem to attract people with baggage, or perhaps I am attracted to them.
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Originally Posted by cynical one
In my experience people who become attached quickly can also become detached quickly leaving our heads spinning with the what if's, if only's, and what is wrong with me's.
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welcome to sr. i like all that cynical is saying. i'm a recovering addict with 8yrs clean. i think its good that he has 2yrs sobriety but it seems as if you may not really know for sure, since you've only known him for a yr and emotionally involved for about 5 months. i don't mean to be harsh, i just know what its like to love an addict. my husband of 24yrs was an addict, it took me 21yrs of pure he''' to realize that i had to separate myself from him or literally lose my sanity.
i also know that addiction is life long, recovery is a life long process, that relapse can happen at any time, for any reason, last for any length of time and can happen after any amount of sobriety. without continued commitment to recovery, addiction gets progressively worse. may be it would help if you could take a step back for a bit and think long and hard about whether or not you are willing to take this chance, if so, please proceed with great caution.
take it slooow and watch his actions rather than paying much attention to what he says. addicts tend to lie to protect their addictions. by no means am i saying that this is the case with your guy, just somethings for you to think about.
try educating yourself about addiction, keep reading and posting here. gosh i hope i'm not scaring you off.
i also know that addiction is life long, recovery is a life long process, that relapse can happen at any time, for any reason, last for any length of time and can happen after any amount of sobriety. without continued commitment to recovery, addiction gets progressively worse. may be it would help if you could take a step back for a bit and think long and hard about whether or not you are willing to take this chance, if so, please proceed with great caution.
take it slooow and watch his actions rather than paying much attention to what he says. addicts tend to lie to protect their addictions. by no means am i saying that this is the case with your guy, just somethings for you to think about.
try educating yourself about addiction, keep reading and posting here. gosh i hope i'm not scaring you off.
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Originally Posted by teke
welcome to sr. i like all that cynical is saying. i'm a recovering addict with 8yrs clean. i think its good that he has 2yrs sobriety but it seems as if you may not really know for sure, since you've only known him for a yr and emotionally involved for about 5 months. i don't mean to be harsh, i just know what its like to love an addict. my husband of 24yrs was an addict, it took me 21yrs of pure he''' to realize that i had to separate myself from him or literally lose my sanity.
i also know that addiction is life long, recovery is a life long process, that relapse can happen at any time, for any reason, last for any length of time and can happen after any amount of sobriety. without continued commitment to recovery, addiction gets progressively worse. may be it would help if you could take a step back for a bit and think long and hard about whether or not you are willing to take this chance, if so, please proceed with great caution.
take it slooow and watch his actions rather than paying much attention to what he says. addicts tend to lie to protect their addictions. by no means am i saying that this is the case with your guy, just somethings for you to think about.
try educating yourself about addiction, keep reading and posting here. gosh i hope i'm not scaring you off.
i also know that addiction is life long, recovery is a life long process, that relapse can happen at any time, for any reason, last for any length of time and can happen after any amount of sobriety. without continued commitment to recovery, addiction gets progressively worse. may be it would help if you could take a step back for a bit and think long and hard about whether or not you are willing to take this chance, if so, please proceed with great caution.
take it slooow and watch his actions rather than paying much attention to what he says. addicts tend to lie to protect their addictions. by no means am i saying that this is the case with your guy, just somethings for you to think about.
try educating yourself about addiction, keep reading and posting here. gosh i hope i'm not scaring you off.
I have been reading everything I can get my hands on regarding addiction and recovery in order to educate myself. It seems like I am in a gray area. There aren't necessarily any clear cut signs that this would be a mistake, and yet I do not know whether 23 months of being clean is really enough time for me to feel completely comfortable. Of course I really like him and haven't felt this way about anyone in a long time. I very much appreciate your advice.
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Originally Posted by oshkoshberjosh
I have been reading everything I can get my hands on regarding addiction and recovery in order to educate myself. It seems like I am in a gray area. There aren't necessarily any clear cut signs that this would be a mistake
If you are reading everything you can to educate yourself about addiction and recovery... I think that is a clear cut sign that you are focusing on him rather than you... if this isn't a big red flag... it could be a tiny one... but one nonetheless.
My experience... meeting, marrying and divorcing a "recovering" addict/alcoholic all within a 3 year period. I was really taken with his "honesty" and in the beginning I couldn't imagine someone being so "open and honest"..... I mean how can you NOT trust someone who is so "open and honest".... right?
WRONG. The disease is horrible and it was a constant battle for him and if I had to do it over again... I'd let him tend to his recovery and just be his friend... but now the friendship is gone too...
IMO... there is no hurry... this is your precious life... guard it with tooth and nail..... proceed s-l-o-w-l-y.
Please keep coming back.
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Originally Posted by cynical one
First l commend you on seeking answers to your questions before you get too heavily involved…I wish I had been so smart before I sold my soul. Second, I don't want you think what I've said/am saying means I think this guy is just a junkie loser and for you to run far and fast. You just may want to proceed...or not...with your eyes wide open, ya know?
As always I usually have a lot of questions, but not ones you need to answer here, just things to spend some quiet time on being honest with yourself. Most times, if we don't have much knowledge about addiction and we hear someone is almost 2 years clean…we think it's in "the past"…yet you are seeking help…which to me sounds like somewhere maybe deep inside something isn't sitting right with you and maybe your trying to convince yourself that all is well. It also seems that maybe things are moving too fast for you, yet you're afraid of putting the brakes on out of fear…maybe of losing him…maybe of getting hurt. Something you said that is very revealing was that you attract people with baggage or you are attracted to them, this is a good place for you to start looking at you and figure out the whys. Seems like you are jumping out of the fire into the pan, going from one broken person to the next and I wonder if you tried to fix the guy your with now and were unable to, so by god you're gonna fix this one. Or maybe I'm just full of crap and projecting things on you that I had to address in me. : )
As always I usually have a lot of questions, but not ones you need to answer here, just things to spend some quiet time on being honest with yourself. Most times, if we don't have much knowledge about addiction and we hear someone is almost 2 years clean…we think it's in "the past"…yet you are seeking help…which to me sounds like somewhere maybe deep inside something isn't sitting right with you and maybe your trying to convince yourself that all is well. It also seems that maybe things are moving too fast for you, yet you're afraid of putting the brakes on out of fear…maybe of losing him…maybe of getting hurt. Something you said that is very revealing was that you attract people with baggage or you are attracted to them, this is a good place for you to start looking at you and figure out the whys. Seems like you are jumping out of the fire into the pan, going from one broken person to the next and I wonder if you tried to fix the guy your with now and were unable to, so by god you're gonna fix this one. Or maybe I'm just full of crap and projecting things on you that I had to address in me. : )
That said, I would be blind if I didn't see the parallels between these two people in terms of having troubled pasts. I would not rush into a serious relationship with this new guy, and yet you hit the nail on the head when you said maybe I don't want to lose him. It would be a lot easier to back off if he wasn't a co-worker.
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Originally Posted by Hammerhead
Welcome. I say this as loving as I can.... IMO... I commend you on educating yourself and reaching out with questions... so please don't misunderstand me...
If you are reading everything you can to educate yourself about addiction and recovery... I think that is a clear cut sign that you are focusing on him rather than you... if this isn't a big red flag... it could be a tiny one... but one nonetheless.
My experience... meeting, marrying and divorcing a "recovering" addict/alcoholic all within a 3 year period. I was really taken with his "honesty" and in the beginning I couldn't imagine someone being so "open and honest"..... I mean how can you NOT trust someone who is so "open and honest".... right?
WRONG. The disease is horrible and it was a constant battle for him and if I had to do it over again... I'd let him tend to his recovery and just be his friend... but now the friendship is gone too...
IMO... there is no hurry... this is your precious life... guard it with tooth and nail..... proceed s-l-o-w-l-y.
Please keep coming back.
If you are reading everything you can to educate yourself about addiction and recovery... I think that is a clear cut sign that you are focusing on him rather than you... if this isn't a big red flag... it could be a tiny one... but one nonetheless.
My experience... meeting, marrying and divorcing a "recovering" addict/alcoholic all within a 3 year period. I was really taken with his "honesty" and in the beginning I couldn't imagine someone being so "open and honest"..... I mean how can you NOT trust someone who is so "open and honest".... right?
WRONG. The disease is horrible and it was a constant battle for him and if I had to do it over again... I'd let him tend to his recovery and just be his friend... but now the friendship is gone too...
IMO... there is no hurry... this is your precious life... guard it with tooth and nail..... proceed s-l-o-w-l-y.
Please keep coming back.
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Originally Posted by oshkoshberjosh
....you hit the nail on the head when you said maybe I don't want to lose him. It would be a lot easier to back off if he wasn't a co-worker.
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For me ,the fact that you are focussing on his clean time (and will keep on counting) is already a huge red flag. But maybe I am just too cynical after a marriage of 22 years with an alcoholic/addict . Be careful,take yor time and listen to that voice inside !
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Originally Posted by freefalling
For me ,the fact that you are focussing on his clean time (and will keep on counting) is already a huge red flag. But maybe I am just too cynical after a marriage of 22 years with an alcoholic/addict . Be careful,take yor time and listen to that voice inside !
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One of the things I take great pride in is that I have a strong work ethic. It hasn't mattered whether it was working in a welding shop running a drill press, working as a veterinary assistant, or working as a health information clerk.
Many employers have policies specifically banning relationships between co-workers, and understandably so. Some of the employers I have worked with also have a policy of relatives not being allowed to work at the same place.
If I've got someone making gaga eyes at me at work, wanting to start something up, and I'm having trouble keeping my emotions in check, I'm not a very effective employee. Maybe you're different.
You also said you are extricating yourself from a current relationship.
I have yet to meet anyone, myself included, who had a successful and healthy relationship with someone they met/got involved with while getting out of another relationship.
The common denominator in all my failed and very painful relationships was me.
Until I decided to tackle the issues/baggage of my own codependency, I kept repeating the same mistake over and over with unhealthy men.
It took me 12 long and miserable years after I left the EXAH to finally figure that one out.
Many employers have policies specifically banning relationships between co-workers, and understandably so. Some of the employers I have worked with also have a policy of relatives not being allowed to work at the same place.
If I've got someone making gaga eyes at me at work, wanting to start something up, and I'm having trouble keeping my emotions in check, I'm not a very effective employee. Maybe you're different.
You also said you are extricating yourself from a current relationship.
I have yet to meet anyone, myself included, who had a successful and healthy relationship with someone they met/got involved with while getting out of another relationship.
The common denominator in all my failed and very painful relationships was me.
Until I decided to tackle the issues/baggage of my own codependency, I kept repeating the same mistake over and over with unhealthy men.
It took me 12 long and miserable years after I left the EXAH to finally figure that one out.
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Until I decided to tackle the issues/baggage of my own codependency, I kept repeating the same mistake over and over with unhealthy men.
It took me 12 long and miserable years after I left the EXAH to finally figure that one out.
It took me 12 long and miserable years after I left the EXAH to finally figure that one out.
Still working that at nearly 51 years old!
With a coworker? I agree with Freedom on that one. But, I was in the Army, so fraternization was a punishable offense. I drank, but didnt break the rules.
LOL
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I'm getting out of another relationship myself that I rushed into, mistakenly, and I don't want to make that mistake with this new guy.
I'm married to a prescription drug addict, I met him while he was supposedly sober but that sobriety did not last long. In the three years that I have been married to him, I have endured countless lies, infidelity and enough loneliness to last a life time.
Would I ever have a relationship with a recovering drug addict again.. my short answer is no! because once bitten twice shy.. however if I ever were to find myself in this position again, the recovering addict would have to have many years clean under his belt, I'm not talking two or three years I'm talking ten and twenty years and he would have to be very active in his recovery, meaning that his recovery would have to be the most important thing in his life..
Continue to read here on this forum and read closely the stories about the spouses of addicts.. you will find that it is a road you do not want to take.
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Originally Posted by jerect
This to me is a big red flag... If you are currently getting out of a relationship with someone else then by all means get out of that relationship and spend some time "alone" with YOU!! And while you are spending time alone with you pick up the book codependent no more and read it cover to cover.
I'm married to a prescription drug addict, I met him while he was supposedly sober but that sobriety did not last long. In the three years that I have been married to him, I have endured countless lies, infidelity and enough loneliness to last a life time.
Would I ever have a relationship with a recovering drug addict again.. my short answer is no! because once bitten twice shy.. however if I ever were to find myself in this position again, the recovering addict would have to have many years clean under his belt, I'm not talking two or three years I'm talking ten and twenty years and he would have to be very active in his recovery, meaning that his recovery would have to be the most important thing in his life..
Continue to read here on this forum and read closely the stories about the spouses of addicts.. you will find that it is a road you do not want to take.
I'm married to a prescription drug addict, I met him while he was supposedly sober but that sobriety did not last long. In the three years that I have been married to him, I have endured countless lies, infidelity and enough loneliness to last a life time.
Would I ever have a relationship with a recovering drug addict again.. my short answer is no! because once bitten twice shy.. however if I ever were to find myself in this position again, the recovering addict would have to have many years clean under his belt, I'm not talking two or three years I'm talking ten and twenty years and he would have to be very active in his recovery, meaning that his recovery would have to be the most important thing in his life..
Continue to read here on this forum and read closely the stories about the spouses of addicts.. you will find that it is a road you do not want to take.
If this guy hadn't been honest with me about his past, I'm not sure I ever would have suspected that he had ever had a problem. But since he has, I am now looking at everything through this whole new addiction prism. I will continue to visit this forum and read more stories from others in similar situations. This board has been immensely helpful to me!
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I was going to start a post asking for similar advice and I believe I have the advice i needed. My ex is in recovery for only two months. He wants to be a part of my life while we both work on our problems. I have been wanting to end the relationship, but have felt soo guilty because he seems to be trying. However he has a lonnnggg history and several troubling character flaws. He has been trying to make me feel like I have all these issues that I should be working on as actively as he is. I have been getting help through this forum and self help books. I have not attended group therapy so therefor he uses it against me. Too hard to explain everything going on, but I just wanted advice because I just dont trust him and probably never will. I care about him...but I am tired of these kinds of relationships and DO NOT want to risk being re- involved with him again. Its very hard to let go and trust my gut feeling that the relationship is most likely doomed! 
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oshkoshberjosh,
Since everyone else who has commented has been burned or at least jadded let me speak from the addict side. He was honest with you about his problem and 23 months is definetely a good start. His he a risk, of course but so is anyone. I can't help but feel like he is being punished for telling you the truth about his past but again I say at least he fessed up. If nothing else you'll be going in with your eye's wide open and I suspect will recognize very quickly if he relpases.
I only hope you two share the same happiness my wife and I have shared for over 20 years. Yes she stayed with me during my addiction but our marriage is stronger as a result. Good luck and give him a break and LISTEN TO YOUR HEART!!!!!!
Since everyone else who has commented has been burned or at least jadded let me speak from the addict side. He was honest with you about his problem and 23 months is definetely a good start. His he a risk, of course but so is anyone. I can't help but feel like he is being punished for telling you the truth about his past but again I say at least he fessed up. If nothing else you'll be going in with your eye's wide open and I suspect will recognize very quickly if he relpases.
I only hope you two share the same happiness my wife and I have shared for over 20 years. Yes she stayed with me during my addiction but our marriage is stronger as a result. Good luck and give him a break and LISTEN TO YOUR HEART!!!!!!
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